Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
Yes, after taking an unprecedented three weeks off, we’re back with a rather lousy week of music news. Luckily, I have notes from my vacation, as I drove from Chicago to California in what was a pretty nice 12-day break from reality. My friend Ryan (who was going out to Silicon Valley for an internship) and I left on Tuesday, May 15, and drove pretty much continuously through Missouri and Oklahoma (and yes, I did break loose in Tulsa) before getting to Amarillo about 18 hours later to let the car rest for the night. From there, we drove through New Mexico into Arizona, where we hit the Grand Canyon, and finally got to L.A. on Friday. There I caught a Mike Eagle show on Saturday night before renting a car on Sunday and whisking off to San Diego. There I got some drinks in with That Bootleg Guy, though the night got cut short as he had to go home early because his house exploded or something. Not one to cry over spilt milk, I went down to Tijuana by myself and I had a kickass time doing stuff like eating tacos and other things that aren’t really apropos for this column. The next day I drove up to the Bay Area and stayed with my friend Shane for the rest of the week.
Some notes from the trip:
– Driving through Oklahoma sucked, but not as much as driving through the Mojave.
– I really, really wish that Chicago still had Jack in the Box. If I had to choose between that and White Castle, the Slyders would still win, but I want both. I would also like to see Carl’s Jr., Green Burrito and more El Pollo Loco locations.
– Fuck the California law that prevents bars from letting people consume alcohol after 2:00am. I went to a bar in L.A. on Friday that was open until 3:00am. Being from Illinois, where we have bars that are open until 5:00am (and serve alcohol until about 15 minutes before close), I was not too pleased at having to choose between pounding my drink or dumping it out at 1:45am. Yeah, not only can one not order alcohol after 2:00am, but one cannot even continue to drink the beverage that one had ordered before the cutoff. Bollocks.
– Mike Eagle’s crew was a blast. See photo below.
Luckily, myself and Mike Eagle had time to drink filthy Pabst at a warehouse across from the Staples Center. No, really…
– Aaron Cameron and I also had a blast, as we drank beer while gawking at hot Pacific Beach co-eds and talking about everything from Tommy “Tiny/Zeus” Lister Jr. to the McDonald’s Angus Third Pounder burgers to Mathan Erhardt.
After consulting with That Bootleg Guy, who hung out with Mathan last year in Vegas, the world-renowned art department here at The SMonday Swindle Sheet has constructed the very first known image of Mathan Erhardt. You saw it here first.
– In a note that is completely unrelated to my vacation, whomever that marketing exec was that green-lighted that new Popeye’s commercial that mimics “I Want Candy”, that person needs to be smacked upside the head with a two-by-four.
– Back to those McDonald’s Angus Third Pounder burgers: That Bootleg Guy reviewed one of them here, but I was fortunate enough to be able to try all three varieties during my time in Southern California. Apparently, L.A. and San Diego are being used as test markets for these new burgers. There’s a “deluxe” one with red onion, “deluxe” pickle, tomato and cheese, which I found to be mediocre; a “bacon and cheese”, which basically just adds bacon to the mediocrity; and a “mushroom and swiss”, which whips the llama’s ass. It must have been the sauteed mushrooms, but they were so good that I didn’t even care that the beef was pretty average.
– On another McDonald’s-related note, that green chile double cheeseburger that they sell in New Mexico needs to make its way to Chicago. Trust me, it would have plenty of fans.
– The Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, Texas, is an absolute blast and is an obligatory stop if you happen to passing through. If you can through down a 72-ounce steak in an hour, you get the thing (and the subsequent abdominal agony) for free.
Methinks that Jessica Simpson has put on a few pounds in the past few months. Being a Hispanic, I can totally dig it.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
THE POLICE drummer Stewart Copeland wrote up an incredibly self-disparaging blog following the band’s first date on their comeback tour, which took place at General Motors Place in Vancouver last Wednesday. “This is unbelievably lame. We are the mighty Police and we are totally at sea,” he mused. “The mighty STING momentarily looks like a petulant pansy instead of the God of rock. And so it goes, for song after song. It usually takes about four or five shows in a tour before you get to the disaster gig. But we’re The Police so we are a little ahead of schedule.” The other members of the band also agreed that they were a bit off that night, though they were able to shrug it off and prepare for the rest of the tour, as Copeland added, “What are you gonna do? It’s only music. Unless it’s LIL JON‘s music, then it’s only a big stinking pile of horseshit.” Well, he does have a point there.
Obviously still crying over the spilt milk that was the Best Video Award at last year’s MTV Video Music Awards, KANYE WEST recently spouted some gibberish complaining about why he thinks he doesn’t win awards, and even likening himself to Mel Gibson in the process. “My favorite movie this year was Apocalypto and I love Mel Gibson. Sometimes I feel a little like Mel Gibson,” West said. “[People tell him,] ‘OK, Mel Gibson, we know [your film is] the best, but if you shut up, maybe we can give you an award.’ That’s how I think that’s how people feel about me sometimes: ‘OK, [your album] was the best’. Apocalypto was the best movie. It’s probably some complete bullshit that got nominated over it. Around the time of the awards, if you want to ask me what’s the bullshit that got nominated, I will tell you. It’s my opinion, it doesn’t mean it’s good or bad. I’m a movie buff.” Actually, Kanye West, it isn’t because Mel Gibson is outspoken that Apocalypto didn’t win, but rather because Hollywood and President Bush don’t care about Mexicans. That’s right, asshole, I just stole your heat.
After having invited THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE BUT CURRENTLY KNOWN ONCE AGAIN AS JUST PRINCE to join him on tour, MICHAEL JACKSON was turned down by the singer, who apparently wasn’t interested. According to an inside source, “Michael seemed pretty gutted about it. He said he’s approached Prince to see if he would like to work together, but Prince wasn’t interested in gigging with him. … There would be so much hype surrounding the first gig, it would end up turning into the Michael Jackson show. Prince had his own plans [with his own London tour later in the year]. He is a legend in his own right. He doesn’t need to be supported by anyone.” Jacko has reportedly “devastated” by the snub, so much so that he curled up into a fetal position inside of a cardboard castle and had a 12-year-old boy urinate on his face as a naked Verne Troyer threw peeled grapes at his buttocks.
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE singer/guitarist Josh Homme recently told Blender magazine that his worst summer job ever was performing at Ozzfest in 2000, “because they treat the bands like shit. And now, this year, you get to play for free, but it’s under the guise of, ‘No, we’re doing it for the fans!’ But it’s really for the people who fan Sharon and Ozzy with palm fronds at their house. I only make mistakes once, and I won’t be playing Ozzfest again.” When OZZY OSBOURNE heard about this, he reacted by adding 14 more shitty emocore bands to this year’s Ozzfest lineup. Look, Ozzy, I know you’re upset, but don’t you think you’re being a little too rash, here?
According to a spokesperson for Warner Brothers Records, jail-bound celebutante PARIS HILTON has dropped by the label after dismal sales from her debut album, Paris. The representative added that the singles “Stars Are Blind” and “Nothing in This World” failed a rake in the amount of money that label had anticipated, and told reporters, “We are not expecting any new Paris Hilton material in the foreseeable future.” For those of you who have been repeatedly chagrined over my incessant stating that there is no God, I’ll admit that this one’s got me rethinking my stance.
A very pissed off Jack White of THE WHITE STRIPES called Chicago’s Q101 radio station last Wednesday to reprimand local DJ Electra for airing a leaked version of the band’s new album, Thump, which is slated for a June 19 release. White, who was touring in Europe at the time, told the DJ that she was helping “speed the demise of the music industry.” Oh, shut up. … In other Jack White-related news, he announced this past week that he will playing ELVIS PRESLEY in the upcoming film Walk Hard, which is slated to be released next year. All right… I take that back. There is definitely no God. You heard it here first. Sorry, Mitch…
News Headline: Marilyn Manson attacks Lindsay Lohan’s genitalia
There’s probably an interesting story behind that.
Singer Jim Reid recently confirmed to reporters that THE JESUS AND MARY CHAIN is, indeed, in the process of recording their first new album in almost a decade, after having reformed a couple of months ago to perform at this this year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. “The reunion is not necessarily about any nostalgia trip,” Reid said. “There will be a new record, otherwise there wouldn’t be any point to reforming. And furthermore, yes, the new album will feature a 50 CENT diss track.”
Fuck THE BEATLES and f*ck Sgt. Pepper.
SCISSOR SISTERS singer Jake Shear was recently lambasted by ELTON JOHN after he lost a set of keys to John’s home in London, where he was staying recently while in town to accept a British songwriting award. According to a source close to John, “Jake flew into a panic when he realized they were lost. He even retraced his steps in a desperate attempt to locate them. … He was really sheepish and apologised profusely, but Sir Elton wasn’t exactly impressed. He’ll probably have to have all the locks changed.” Let’s hope that this incident embitters him enough to get the ball rolling on yet another Elton John heel turn, as MADONNA and BRITNEY SPEARS were casualties of the highly entertaining 2004 one. If I’m LILY ALLEN, I’m watching my peas and carrots, and the Britney rematch is bound to be an absolute blast.
MARILYN MANSON told Spin magazine in a recent interview that EMINEM had approached him to sing on “’97 Bonnie & Clyde”, which appeared in his 1999 album, The Slim Shady LP, but Manson turned him down because he didn’t approve of the subject matter. “He asked me to sing on his first record, and I would have, except that the song he asked me to sing was… too misogynistic,” Manson said. “It was the one about killing his girlfriend and putting her in a trunk. It was on a record I could listen to, but it was too over-the-top for me to associate with. It didn’t represent where I was at. … First of all, I don’t drive. And I wouldn’t put a girl in a trunk; that’s where I keep other stuff.” Priceless.
BABYSHAMBLES/ex-THE LIBERTINES singer PETE DOHERTY is planning to file a lawsuit against the organizers of the Gatecrasher festival after they advertised him as a guest DJ at the event without having actually booked him. A representative for the oft-volatile singer told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “Pete’s supposed non-show was reported extensively in the media and, despite an admission from Gatecrasher that Pete was never confirmed to appear, they have so far refused to issue a public apology. That’s all we really want, is an apology. That or a milk crate full of black tar heroin.”
PAULA ABDUL recently lashed out against critics who have panned her for being an alcoholic, saying that fellow American Idol judge Simon Cowell is responsible for starting the rumors by making comments on the show that she had something in her Coca-Cola cup other than Coca-Cola. In an interview with OK! magazine, Abdul said, “I’m sick of it. I’ve never been drunk, and I don’t do recreational drugs.” Hold on. WHAT? Never been drunk? Then this must’ve been someone else impersonating Paula Abdul. Probably 50 Cent, because 50 Cent looks like Paula Abdul.
After a bitter court battle over the rights to use the band name, three of the original members of FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD prevailed over former singer Holly Johnson, who was upset after Peter Gill, Paul Rutherford and Mark O’Toole replaced him and continued to use the band name. In the end, an official at the U.K. Intellectual Property Office ruled that the name did not belong any one person, viz. Johnson, and also told him to relax.