The Long and Short Of It – A Mixed Bag

The Start of It

This week there was nothing, NOTHING I TELL YA, worth spending my time reviewing fully. It was a sack-load of “I don’t care” delivered straight to my doorstep. Or to my comic shop for me to pick up. I’ll never get those minutes back that I spent reading this stuff. I might as well have smoked two packs of cigarettes for the amount of my life I’ve just lost to mediocrity. And so, for this week only, I’m going to do something completely different. Something so radical and left-field, it’ll catch you completely by surprise. I’m going to do exactly what everyone else here does and just do the mini-capsule-baby-sized reviews. Crazy, huh?! I’m livin’ on the edge right here, I can tell ya. Better to burn out than fade away, right? But better still to dissolve, leaving only your cloak and hat, when someone throws some water over you. I’M MELLLLLLLLLTIIIIIIINNNGGGGG!!!!

OK. Breathe. It’s alright. I’m back in the room. I think I’d better start with some stuff that people actually asked for.

X-23: Target X #6 of 6

Writers: Craig Kyle and Chris Yost
Art: Mike Choi and Sonia Oback
Letters: Troy Peteri

Kyle & Yost, who month-on-month deliver the best-written, most entertaining X-book of the bunch (New X-Men), have once again produced a great little story.

The only feline rodent I know, RatCat from the forums, asked to me to spew forth some words about X-23: Target X as a series, and now that I’ve finished reading Issue 6 I can do just that. Now when I said earlier that everything I’ve read was mediocre, I was probably being unfair to this book. ONLY to this book, mind you. Kyle & Yost, who month-on-month deliver the best-written, most entertaining X-book of the bunch (New X-Men), have once again produced a great little story, continuing the tale of how X23 finally ended up at Xavier’s. We’ve seen Weapon X Jr get several severe beatings from her handler, Kimura, while trying to protect her friends Megan and Debbie from being slaughtered. We’ve also seen that this story is being told in flashback as X23 is being held and interrogated by Captain America and Matt Murdock. There’s been great dialogue, and touching moments throughout. And the art has also been solid throughout. It’s a cute little book that makes you keep reminding yourself that X23 is underage. I’ve felt like I’ve been doing some Hal Jordan-style perving throughout this series. And this issue, X23 is off hunting the man that’s ultimately responsible for everything she’s gone through. Wolverine. The original Weapon X. Only he also has a Weapon Y chromosome.

It’s well-written, well-drawn, and well…. it’s finished. Nice little series, but origin books don’t tend to be classics except in very rare circumstances (Wolverine: Origin being an obvious exception).

Grade: B Nice and solid. I’d be happy if Kyle and Yost got a more high-profile book to work on.

Spider-Man: Fairy Tales #1 of 4

Writer: CB Cebulski
Art: Ricardo Tercio
Letters: Artmonkeys Studios

But really – what is the point? I just can’t get myself excited about this sort of self-indulgent crap that Marvel wallow in sometimes.

A_Faceless_Name from the forums asked me to consider spending my oh-so precious time reviewing this little gem, following on from the success (Really? Was it successful? OK. Whatever, as the valley girls say) of X-Men: Fairy Tales. This one is a little less obscure than the previous series, because unlike the somewhat unusual decision to use little-known Japanese fairy-tales as the basis, this one kicks right off with an adaptation of Little Red Riding Hood featuring Mary-Jane in the lead role. Yeah, it’s kinda cute. Yeah, there’s a certain charm to the writing. Yeah, it’s a lot more accessible than the X-Men series. But really – what is the point? I just can’t get myself excited about this sort of self-indulgent crap that Marvel wallow in sometimes. Were people really clamouring for this sort of story? No, I didn’t think so.

Grade: C+ OK, but I just don’t want Marvel to disappear up their own arses. What’s next? Punisher: Nursery Rhymes? OK, forget that. That would actually be pretty cool.

New Avengers: Illuminati #3 of 5

Writers: Brian Michael Bendis and Brian Reed
Pencils: Jim Cheung
Inks: Mark Morales
Colours: Justin Ponsor
Letters: VC’s Cory Petit

By means of a request from Dhaise, I hereby bring you my thoughts on New Avengers: Illuminati. My first thought is that I’m f*cking sick of having to put colons in book titles. That’s my third one already. Lets face it – this shit isn’t exactly Lord of The Rings, is it? Stop all this nonsense already. I don’t even see why this has to be linked with New Avengers anyway, seeing as only two of the main protagonists have been in New Avengers at all, and they weren’t in it at the same time. It’s just Bendis self-fellating by making it look like he has a brand all to himself, isn’t it? I mean he pretty much does, but I don’t want that fact shoved in my face all the time.

They like to call it Shooter-Time, and they studiously ignore it like the plague. If you could ignore the plague. Which in 17th-century Europe you probably couldn’t, what with pustules and sores breaking out left, right and centre. Probably. I have no idea what the symptoms of the plague actually were, really.

As to the book itself, I’m going to shock Dhaise by saying it’s not as bad as it could be. Certainly in terms of the dialogue and the fact that it actually has a plot this time. It’s a hell of a lot better than the first two issues of this series, particularly that cockshambles (new word – like it?) with the Infinity Gems. This one’s set in the time around Secret Wars II, a time period that Marvel does their very best to forget about. They like to call it Shooter-Time, and they studiously ignore it like the plague. If you could ignore the plague. Which in 17th-century Europe you probably couldn’t, what with pustules and sores breaking out left, right and centre. Probably. I have no idea what the symptoms of the plague actually were, really. But I digress. Really? Moi? Digress? As if! But yes, Secret Wars II is in full-flow and the Beyonder is bestriding the Earth like… what’s more powerful than a Titan? Oh yes, the Beyonder. The Beyonder is bestriding the Earth like The Beyonder. Well he would, wouldn’t he? And the Illuminati have leapt to intercept him before he causes more carnage. Except for Tony Stark who’s leapt into the sack with some cheap floozy, probably. And in this story, we discover that The Beyonder is apparently a mutant Inhuman. Well yes, he would be. Because that makes all kinds of sense.

It’s a whole bundle of fun for us Net-Geek Comic-Fan Continuity-Monkeys.

And herein lies the problem. While it may be written better than the first couple of issues, it’s a whole bundle of fun for us Net-Geek Comic-Fan Continuity-Monkeys (or NeGeCoFaCoMons, as I have never liked to call us). Firstly, aaaagh my brain hurts. Secondly, the Illuminati managed to stop The Beyonder while he was still hanging out with Power Man and Iron Fist, which means everything that happened subsequent to that in Secret Wars II never actually happened. Thirdly, they’re clearly trying to delete Shooter-Time from continuity, because they’ve decided that Secret Wars II was on a different version of New York that The Beyonder had created elsewhere and not on “real” Earth after all. Which ignores the fact that some of Secret Wars II happened on a massive sea-station the Beyonder created in the middle of an ocean, which clearly wouldn’t have existed in this Fake-New-York-Only Secret Wars scenario. Fourthly, try figuring out what The Beyonder is really now, considering this story that identifies him as being a mutant Inhuman comes at a time when Reed Richards still believed him to be a universe-sized being from outside this multiverse, just before he “discovered” that this wasn’t true and that he was from a race of beings called the Beyonders, and some time before he changed his mind again and decided that The Beyonder and Molecule Man were actually two halves of a cosmic cube. Fifthly, although this is less important, why the hell are we traveling through time in such an arbitrary manner? Secret Wars II was well before Infinity Quest/Crusade/War etc. Bendis, you’re confusing me again. And after I said such lovely things about Mighty Avengers. Stop it. Everyone on the net is supposed to either god-worship you, or hate you with a passion that will burn throughout eternity. I can’t do either. I want to stab you in the heart with a rusty coat-hanger, and then hug you while you’re dying. I don’t like being this confused.

Jim Cheung though? Always makes with the pretty art.

Grade: D Nicely-written, cerebral-embolism-causing gibberish.

Wolverine #54

Writer: Jeph Loeb
Pencils: Simone Bianchi
Inks & Washed Halftones (Pretentious pricks): Simone Bianchi & Andrea Silvestri
Colours: Simone Peruzzi and Morry Hollowell
Letters: Comicraft

It looks like Loeb and Bianchi have just relieved themselves all over the pages of Wolverine. Fuck off. Really, just f*ck off.

Another RatCat suggestion here, with Jeph Loeb’s Wolverine. Firstly, “LOOK MA – NO COLONS!”, so that’s a f*cking relief. And I’m not the only one that’s relieved, clearly. Because for this entire arc, it looks like Loeb and Bianchi have just relieved themselves all over the pages of Wolverine. This is bollocks. The story is garbled nonsense which can only be even slightly salvaged by a cop-out dreaming, “none-of-this-is-real” ending next issue. Anything else and this will be officially the worst Wolverine arc in history. And there’ve been some doozies. What Jeph Loeb was thinking when he wrote this, I have no idea. This is the guy that only two weeks ago gave us one of the best books of the year, in Fallen Son: Captain America (more colons, whoop-de-f*cking-doo). And now this? Fuck off. Really, just f*ck off. And as for Bianchi’s art, this is clearly a person who has never seen these characters before. These are the worst interpretations of these characters I have ever seen. Sabretooth and Wolfsbane are extraordinarily awful, but nothing can compare to the fact that Sasquatch has apparently become Chewbacca. No, really.

Grade: F “F” for “Fuck right off.”

OK, enough of Marvel now. They’re hurting my head. Time for some DC.

Blue Beetle #15

Guest Writer: J Torres
Guest Artist: Freddie Williams II
Colours: Guy Major
Letters: Phil Balsman

If Superman’s going to go all aggressive-homo on you, you’re not going to tell him no.

Ah, what the hell. Time to be nice. This may be a stand-in creative team, but they still manage to make Blue Beetle one of the most fun books on the stands. It’s not laugh-a-minute funny, but that’s not what I mean by fun. It’s light, harmless, and with the odd comical moment. This issue doesn’t feature much of Jaime’s supporting cast, but it does get a cameo from Superman, which should be enough for any aspiring young superhero. It’s not as good as the Guy Gardner issue, but it’s still nice, clean superheroing fun. The only slight problem is on the penultimate page, where I swear Superman is going to kiss Jaime. But if Superman’s going to go all aggressive-homo on you, you’re not going to tell him no.

Grade: B Yay! Some fun. We like fun.

Justice Society of America #6

Writer: Geoff Johns
Pencils: Dale Eaglesham
Inks: Ruy Jose
Colours: Jeremy Cox
Letters: Rob Leigh

Feels a bit of a waste to me. Four issues of build and then a rushed climax.

The Lightning Saga as a storyline has been developed nice and smoothly, throughout the arc. I have no idea about, the history of the Legion of Super Heroes, and quite frankly I don’t care. It’s just quite a smart tale that seems to have significance. That Meltzer and Johns are able to tell a tale across two different books and have it appear to be seamless, is credit to them both. But the fact that the story has been developed so smoothly, means they’ve effectively run out of time. We’re just getting to the crux of the story and yet that’ll all have to be rushed through in one more issue. Feels a bit of a waste to me. Four issues of build and then a rushed climax. But never mind; as I said, it’s quite nicely written, and Eaglesham’s pencils are as reliable as ever. I do have to question any book not written in the Golden or Silver Ages where the antagonist is called “Computo”, but it’s a minor point.

Grade: C+ Not too bad, but nothing special. Could’ve been worse.