Evening all. I’m Tom Pandich and this is my last night as the regular Raw guy. Someone else is taking over next week. I don’t know who so I can’t pimp them yet. Ah well. Keep it here all night and I’ll be here all night too.
You’d really think they wouldn’t run a “who won at One Night Stand” teaser when they’re only going to reveal it two seconds later. Opening, fireworks, Tampa. Tampa is a funny town. Pretty much everybody refers to it as Tampa Bay because of the sports teams. Having been to Tampa on many occasions, I refer to it as “that hellhole”. While not the worst big city in Florida, it’s a pretty scuzzy place, much like most of Florida.
Here comes Cena. He won last night in Jacksonville Florida (which makes Tampa look like Lakeland). Big-ish pop for John followed by the post music boos. Cena apparently loves being booed. He points out the fat guy telling him he sucks. He points out “the hot chick with a top two sizes too small” *cut to a chick with a shocked look on her face*. He points out Wade Boggs!!! Cena beat Mr. Punjabi, and he’s happy…. except for the draft. Cena talks about being drafted. Cena takes a second to take it all in. Some guy is incredibly excited in the crowd. “The champ is….. No chance”.
Here’s Vince who lost his ECW championship. Vince looks like a sad, kicked poodle. JR tells implies that Bobby Lashley invented the Dominator. Vince says he knows why Cena is here. Vince thinks Cena is here to embarass Vince. Vince is nearly in fake tears as he spits out hatred to Cena as an asshole chant breaks out. Vince won’t bow. He won’t break. He will however say his name and Cena turns his back on Vince. Cena chant. Good to know who’s the next Stone Cold.
Cena tells himself many things about Vince. He says Vince may be beat up, upset, and even a bit delusional tonight. Vince tries to say his name again and Cena says the only thing keeping Vince alive is Cena’s patience. “We all have bad nights, so suck it up.” John says Vince is babbling like he lost his frigging mind. Vince hasn’t lost a “damn thing”. He has his money, empire, yada yada. He puts Cena in a triple threat match against Umaga and Khali for the WWE Championship. The two have a staredown and Vince exits the ring slowly with a lost looking smile on his face. Commercials.
Raw has an energy drink exclusively at Wal Mart. It’s called Socko. Marketing really has no idea. Last night there was a
Cryme Time and Candice Michelle vs Melina and Nitro Dykes
Yeah, I can’t remember what was said on the Rabblecast. JTG starts things out with Kenny and gets into trouble early. Quick tags between Dykstra and Nitro keep JTG down. They have silly ways of throwing punches and what not. Slingshot, punch, backbreaker, leg drop gets one as the other half of Cryme Tyme breaks it up. JTG gets locked in a headlock, but he almost breaks it. JTG gets tossed into the corner, but pops up to the second rope. Tries for a double axe handle, but he runs into boot. JTG runs almost into a clothesline, but rolls through and tags Shad. Shad runs over everyone. Cryme Tyme finishes it with their neckbreaker thing.
Winners: Cryme Tyme and Candice Michelle
In the back, Santino is chatting with Melina. Vince tells him to “git” to the ring as he’s got a title match. Vince then says git over and over. Good lord. Vince is more annoying then ever. Commercials.
Chris Angel’s tv show is hillarious. JR wishes us an “Extreme” thank you. Derrick Brooks and many of the Bucs are here. Hot.
IC Title Match: Santino Marella vs Chris Masters
Santino kicks and punches Masters before missing a drop kick. Raw is three hours next week. I’m looking forward to not recapping that. Masters lays Santino across the ropes and runs a leg into him. Masters follows that up with a few kicks and an eye poke. Masters drops Santino across the top turnbuckle followed by a leg drop for two. Masters works Santino’s neck and follows it with a headlock only to get hip tossed by Santino. Santino hits a jawbreaker followed by some punches and a reverse leg sweep for two. Santino charges but gets dropped across the top rope. Masters tries for the Masterlock, but gets stopped cold by a kick to the head. Santino arm drags Masters down and rolls him up for the win. Give him a finisher already….
Winner: Santino Marella
In the back, Cade and Murdoch want a shot eventually at the Hardys (when they’re a 100% of course). Vince pops in and forces the Hardys to go and defend the titles tonight against Cade and Murdoch. Vince keeps walking and runs into Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson. Vince hates degenerants hanging out with women half their age. Torrie Wilson reminds Vince of that one time… Carlito vs Torrie later tonight.
Ric Flair and Vince get into it a bit. Ric tells Vince to stop whining. Vince goes on about how Flair is a legend and of course, sets up Randy Orton/Ric Flair later tonight. Commercials.
Last night, Rob Van Dam won his stretcher match. Randy proceeded to kill Rob after the match. He’ll be out forever now. Let me get this straight though….. Randy Orton lost a stretcher match, but he was still able to give a post match beat down. How completely lame must that stretcher match must have been.
Ric Flair vs Randy Orton
Slap to Flair, chops to Randy. Tons of chops to Randy. Flair stomps Randy’s nose. Snapmare takedown followed by another nose stomp and more chops. Orton finally hits a powerslam and sets up for an RKO as we go to commercial? That was unannounced and poorly planned.
We’re back and Randy is in the figure four? Okay… Orton makes it to the ropes and drops Flair across the top rope. Chop to Orton as he comes in, but Randy drops Ric with that reverse shoulderbreaker. Randy does his goofy circle stomp followed by a knee drop which Orton, to his credit, sells the leg. Pin gets two. Orton punches Flair and follows it up with a headlock. Flair fights out of that but gets dropped by a dropkick for two.
Flair gets up only to be tossed into the corner and backdropped. That gets two. More headlocking from Randy. Flair fights up and hits a side belly to back suplex. Flair goes for a figure four, but gets cradled for two. Orton hammers away at Flair in the corner with closed fists! THAT’S A DQ REF!!!! Flair covers up as Randy comes in again, and he hits a few chops. Thumb to the eye to Randy and that’s followed by a chop and cover for two. Knee drop by Flair. Randy turns things around with a huge clothesline in the corner. Flair flop! Both men are up and Flair hits a chop first. Randy gets chopped outside. Flair pursues but is lured into a clothesline. Suplex on the outside by Orton. Orton rolls Flair in and hits his punt kick. RKO by Randy. That’s it.
Winner: Randy Orton
Post match Randy lines up for another kick to Flair. The ref protects Flair though. Randy heads off. Recap of what just happened. Later tonight, Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship.
Ladder Match DVD in store tomorrow. I wonder if they’ll give credit to Hart for inventing it or to Michaels.
Carlito vs Torrie Wilson
Sigh. Carlito pretends he’s going to let her go before telling her to walk out. Take down to Torrie Wilson. Backcracker and that’s it.
Winner: Carlito
Hardys are coming to the ring.
The Hardys vs Cade and Murdoch
Matt and Lance start things off. Clean break by Matt and Lance Cade. The King asks what’ll happen if the Hardys are split up after the draft……. JR says that’s a great question…… MATT IS ALREADY ON FUCKING SMACKDOWN YOU DIPSHITS!!! *sigh* Murdoch gets the tag and hits a few shoulderblocks before getting back dropped by Matt. Tag to Jeff and they both drop a leg. Jeff drops himself across Murdoch. Tag to Matt who hits a double axe handle off the second rope. Here comes a Whispers in the Wind for two as Lance Cade breaks up the pin. Cade gets scoop slammed and dumped outside as Trevor rolls outside. Jeff goes over the top after Trevor, but he fake tweaks his knee on the landing. Tag to Matt as we go to commercial.
We’re back and Matt is in trouble. He gets yanked off the second rope by Murdoch, and Lance Cade gets the tag. Quick tags between the two as they work Matt’s ribs. Side Russian leg sweep gets two and Cade gets a tag in. Matt gets destroyed by a spinebuster for two. Tag to Trevor who hits a shot that echoes across the arena on Matt’s ribs. Murdoch locks on a bear hug which Matt fights out from to hit a reverse neck breaker. Jeff gets the tag and destroys everyone. Neckbreaker. Leg drop. Jaw breaker. Leg drop. Jeff goes up top, but he gets slugged by Murdoch. Murdoch gets dumped. Side effect by Matt to Cade. The Swanton misses though. Lance covers and Jeff gets hit foot on the rope. A half hearted attempt to push the foot off fails, but the ref doesn’t see it. Whatever. New tag champs.
Winners and new Tag Champions: Cade and Murdoch
Matt confronts the new tag champs about Jeff’s foot on the rope. Belt shot follows for no reason in particular.
In the back, Vince has something caught in his throat. He has an ominous feeling. A black cloud is rolling apparently. Next week though, Vince will feel better. It’s the draft next week. Next week will also be……. well, why doesn’t the Coach come out and tell us. Commercials.
Here’s the Coach. Raw is three hours this week. Everyone will be on Raw next week. Next week will also be Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night. Okay.
WWE World Championship Match: The Sadly Underwhelming Khali vs Umaga vs John Cena
Cena runs at Khali and gets clotheslined. Umaga bolts to get some wire. Khali boots Khali and then tosses Cena into steps. Umaga picks up the ring steps, throws them at Cena, but they hit Khali. Hillarious. Cena holds himself up in the corner as Umaga charges. It doesn’t work once. It doesn’t work twice. Umaga runs over Cena with a clothesline. Cena makes it to the apron and tries a sunset flip. Umaga hangs on, but misses the Bastion Booger drop. Cena tries a slam, but he has Umaga fall right on top of him. Umaga drops Cena a few times, but Cena gets his knees up one time. He goes up top and is caught. Umaga catches him. Sidewalk slam and Cena rolls out.
Here comes Khali. The Woefully Inadequate Khali and Umaga have eye glances. They exchange blows and Khali gets his leg up. Umaga rolls out. Cena comes in and catches Khali dropping his neck across the ropes. Cena tries for the FU but Khali fights out. Boring offense follows until Umaga comes in Khali gets tied up in the ropes…. again. That’s his new gimmick apparently. Umaga misses the butt bounce, and Khali frees himself. Umaga nearly gets double handed chokeslammed by Khali, but he hits the thumb of doom. Cena hits a shoulderblock sending Umaga outside. FU to Khali. That’s it.
Winner: John Cena
Cena celebrates as we fade to black. Alright folks I’ll see you….. around. Check the DVD Lounge and Not A True Ending for stuff from me in the near future. Hope Raw gets better for the guy taking over.
The Inside Pulse
-Cryme Tyme and Candice Michelle beat MnK.
-Santino Marella retained the IC Title over Chris Masters.
-Ric Flair was concused by Randy Orton.
-Carlito defeated Torrie Wilson in a five star classic.
-Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch became Tag Champs over the Hardys and turned heel right afterwards.
-John Cena FUed the Slightly Retarded Khali to retain his WWE Championship as Umaga wandered around aimlessly outside.
