LASHLEY WON – CANDICE WON
NOBODY ELSE WON
ALTHOUGH A FUN SHOW…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
I sat down last night with full intent to Rabblize One Night Stand. What happened from there was a comedy of nobody showing up to my house. It’s an intriguing thing to write a weekly report that is dependant on the kindness of friends. So instead, I goofed off with the Inside Pulse Insyders and the few that did arrive.
Tonight though, we will be in full effect with:
Jeffrey – BARTENDER GUY
Bill – OMEGA GUY
Hernandez – SPANISH GUY
Mike – INDY GUY
Eric – BIG GUY
Jenna – GIRL GUY
Laura – WHATZER GUY
..and the WEBCOMIC RABBLIZING GUY.. Me, James Hatton
And the FORUM GUYS – The Inside Pulse Insyders.
“I predict John Cena first..” – Mike
“I predict Vince.” – Me
“Shane.” – Bill
“Warrior?” – Hernandez
It was John Cena. Mike was right. And Cena is going to talk. He claims ‘That is what I love about this business’.
“Shitty PPV endings?” – Me
He comments about the hot girl in the crowd. Part of the audience chanting he sucks. Tonight though it all seems a bit louder.
“Because the champ is here?” – Mike
After six weeks of getting his ass beat.
“Again?” – Hernandez
He has told Khali ‘F.U.’ Next week though is the draft, and he knows what it’s like to be drafted.
“He was neck high in the shit! He was in the Nam!” – Me
“Your shit?” – Bill
“…Nam shit.” – Me
“Oh. Ok.” – Bill
“And the entire point of Cena talking tonight is… PLUG FOR THE DRAFT! Wonderful…” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
Cena wants it heard even if it’s only once more.. loud.. proud..
“IF YOU SMELLLALALALALALLA… Oh wait.” – Me
The champ is – Hey, Vince is here!
“He looks like he just woke up” – Hernandez
“Has he lost his strut.” – Bill
“And his smile..” – Me
“He had a smile?” – Bill
Vince gets into the ring and explains that he knows why he’s here..
“He ran out of his medication.” – Hernandez
“Now Vince announces he has cancer in his stomach.” – Insyder Kromadas
“So whos on more roids in that ring right now? Cena or Vince?” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
“Lillian Garcia” – Insyder kromadas
“I want Vince’s cancer in his stomach to be either Paul Heyman or the nWo!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Or WOYAH” – Insyder JP
He claims that Cena is out there to embarrass Vince and point out that he lost his ECW title. The ‘asshole’ chants begin. Vince babbles into the microphone, barely intelligable. Apparently, he said something that offended Cena, but we have no way to know what it was.
Cena takes it to heart though, and explains that MAYBE Vince is a little tired. A little beat-up. A little crazy tonight.
“Cena really has to sell himself on that.” – Bill
“Vince has cancer.” – Hernandez
“He can be GM for a night!” – Bill
Vince claims that he hasn’t lost his empire. His dignity. His money.
“What dignity?” – Jenna
The only thing Vince has lost is his title. So he’s going to make Cena lose his.
“Against.. against… who haven’t we fired?” – Bill
Triple threat match tonight – Cena vs. Umaga vs. Khali.
“Because we have yet to use three together in a match.” – Me
“We might get a little bit of classic dialogue.” – Bill
Weirdest opening to the show in a long time. Fifteen minutes to do that. Seriously.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15
YO YO YO!
“WHOA WHOA WHOA!?” – Hernandez
Crime Tyme is here! And they have a valet….
“Is that a flygirl?” – Bill
“Apparently RAW is still trying to give the illusion of a tag division…” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
No.. it’s… Candice Michelle!? She looks ok as a flygirl.
“Could they have picked a whiter girl to match up with Cryme Tyme? (I mean, besides Jeff Hardy.)” – Insyder Breschau
And it’s Kenny, Nitro, and Melina!
“Hey, Kenny just did the Hollywood blondes reel.” – Mike
CRIME TYME & CANDICE vs. NITRO DYKE & MELINA
“Guess Melina didn’t lose her title last night.” – Me
“Nitro Dyke On A Horse” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
So Candice and Melina are pulled off each other by the teams and the ref.
“Bitches get back! BITCHES. GET. BACK!” – Bill
JT starting with Kenny. Kenny throws him to the ropes, slides underneath the ropes to trip him and Nitro leaps over the top for an elbow. Nice spot. Nitro now in with JT. Nitro hits a handplant capoeira kick! Tag to Kenny, with a short arm clothesline for two. Stompy bits from Kenny. Tag to Nitro – Forward flip to the elbow that we’ve seen before.
Nitro goes for the pin and Shad breaks the count.
Nitro now locks in the headlock.
“Shades of Randy Orton right there.” – Me
“Someone shat in a bag?” – Bill
JT fights to his feet, gets thrown into the corner, rolls out for a tag to Shad.
He takes a couple big clotheslines on Nitro and clears out Kenny! He goes nuts!
“Stop that, w edon’t see you enough to get impressed yet.” – Bill
Bodyslam to Nitro and a HUGE elbow for two. Candice now runs in and attacks Melina. Shad heaves up Candice and THROWS her on Melina! JT trips down Nitro and Shad goes for the pin… gets it!??!? Cryme Tyme won!?!?
WINNERS: CRYME TYME WON!?!?!?
In the back, Maria is talking to Santino… the belt is shiny like Maria’s dress. Heeeeeere’s Vince.
“…boooobiesss…… i’m done…” – Hernandez
He explains that he used to have one of those, gesturing to the IC belt that Maria is holding.
“Vince used to have a Maria?” – Insyder bluelobster
“Her name was Trish.” – Insyder Kerry B
Vince then tells Maria to shut up… Santino tries to defend her, but then gets a slap and is told to get to the ring to defend his belt.
“Woulda been funny if after Vince slapped him, he said…”We don’t take kindly to foreigners round here!”‘ – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
Santinoooo is here!
“It’sa Meeee, Santino!” – Bill
SANTINO vs. MASTHTERPEETH
“Even Santino is going.. this again?” – Bill
“Fuck. I cheer for the lighting rig to fall on both of them.” – Insyder kromadas
Masters goes for a lock-up and Santino ducks out of it a few times with those snapkicks. Stiff as hell. Finally Masters drops him and hits with an elbow. Chokes him against the second rope. Hits the ropes and legover for two.
They get to their feet and lock-up again and Santino hits some kneelifts, eats an eyerake. Masters picks him up and drops him onto the turnbuckle. Hits a big legdrop for two.
Chinlock now from Matherth. Santino fights out of it and throws a hiptoss. Jawbreaker. They now punch it out, Santino taking the top of it with hits, kicks, and a standing urinagi. Masters out of nowhere hits a stun gun!? Nice!
Masters sizes up for the masterlock. Santino kicks up on Masters and rolls him up for the pin! What a tight little match.
“That was nice! Urinagi! Stun gun! Two f*cking great manuevers in there!” – Me
“They are now both banned.” – Bill
“Wait… Does Santino seriously have a Chronicles of Narnia tattoo on his back?” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
In the back – the Hardyz are talking about how last night’s match went with Cade & Murdoch. They want the Hardyz to defend their titles again with them when they are feeling 110%.
Vince comes on down and asks ‘HOW YALL BOYZ DOIN!’
“Vince discovered percocet.” – Jenna
Of course, Vince makes the Hardyz defend the tag titles tonight. Against Cade and Murdoch, natch. He also runs across Ric Flair and Torrie.
“Ric has new tights… wow.. and a four horseman championship.” – Mike
There’s one thing that Vince can’t stand.
“Women!” – Me
Men hanging in the back with women half his age. Torrie then asks if Vince remembers when his wife walked in with Vince’s pants around his ankles. Ric remembers it!
“CONTINUITY!” – Me
“Hell, I Tivo’d it!” – Hernandez as Flair
So tonight… Carlito versus….. TORRIE!
Ric tries to get into his face about it.
“Hell, I’ve lost the belt 16 times.” – Bill
Telling Vince to get over it… Vince, of course, gets annoyed that all he hears when Ric is around is ‘Woo!’ – which makes Ric a legend. So of course, Ric must face a legend killer.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:46
“HEY!” – Bill
“HEY?” – Jeffrey
HEY! Randy Orton.
“SAY!” – Me
“BILL’S GAY!” – Hernandez
“Hey? Woo! Goodbye Ric.” – Insyder bluelobster
ORTON vs. FLAIR
“HEY…gon-na play with Flair’s TIT-TAYS!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
Bell rings and Orton gets chopped. A lot. Stomping. Kneedrops. Finally Orton drops Flair and now he’s setting up for the RKO.. just like that.
Oh.. Commercial.. weird…
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
“Have we ever had a swerve commercial break before? Obviously, Russo works for USA now.” – Insyder Breschau
“That’ll teach him not to trash a hotel room.” – Insyder Chuckles
We return and Ric has Orton in the figure four.
“And the match is over!” – Bill
Orton flops over to the ropes.. amusingly so.. anyway, finally gets the rope and rolls to the outside apron. Ric goes after him and he eats a choke against the top rope. Back in and Orton eats a chop, hits the Orton-backbreaker and and sells the knee fairly well as he goes into a Garvin-Stomp.
Hits a kneedrop and sells the hell outta knee.. good work Ort!
ORTON HEADLOCK COUNT: 1
Ric fights out of it. Elbows to the gut. Chops to the chest. Ric hits the ropes and eats a dropkick as Randy holds onto his knee and rolls to Ric for two. Throws Ric to the corner, back body drop.
Kneedroppings for two… Headlock!
ORTON HEADLOCK COUNT: 2
Orton gets up and hits a belly to back suplex. Ric goes for the figure four and a nice bridge over for a pin from Orton for two. He throws Ric to the corner and starts punching him down. His knee all better as a note.
WEIRD SIGN: Jon Stewart is my homie!
Randy now punching the hell out of Ric in the corner. Flair hits a chop. Punch to chop attack. Thumbpoke from Ric sends Randy down. Kneedrop from Flair.
“I love that Ric is the dirtiest player in the game AND a face.” – Bill
Picks up Randy in the corner now, throws him, reversed and a short clothesline to Flair ends in a Flair flop. Punch to chop attack again. Ric throws Randy to the ropes and hits an elbow. Randy heads to the outside and Ric comes after him with a HUGE grin on his face… he rounds the corner and BLAM – hit with a big clothesline.
Suplex on the outside from Orton to Flair. GBoth back in and Orton sets up the RKO. No.. wrong again.. Field Goal Kick!
“Ric’s busted.” – Hernandez
“Ric’s been busted since birth.” – Me
“It’s been awhile, we haven’t seen Ric busted in weeks.” – Bill
“He’s been stocking up.” – Hernandez
Now Ric slowwwly gets to his feet while Randy watches on… SNAP – RKO – DONE!
“He’s setting up for the RKO! Quick go to commercial!” – Insyder DarkStar
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
“I’d hate to see the push Orton would get if he wasn’t being punished.” – Insyder kromadas
“See: John Cena” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
Randy is sizing up Ric as he’s trying to get to his feet. The ref stops him and Randy slides out eyeballing the scene.
“Did JR just say ‘Ric’s MAGICAL career'” – Me
“Yes, he summons butterflies.” – Jeffrey
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
HEY! .. Oh, wait.. it’s just Carlito. And Torrie. Torrie is wearing tape on her leg, because she was apparently injured from last week’s backcracker. Wow.
CARLITO vs. TORRIE
“Ok so, who is going to run in to give Torrie the win over Carlito?” – Insyder SychoJason
“Kidman?” – Insyder Darkstar
“Doink?” – Insyder JP
So Carlito admits that he doesn’t wanna get into this fight as they are talking.
“Lemme kiss it.. lemme kiss it.” – Hernandez
He tells Torrie to just walk out. Just leave. He has the ref ring the bell, and tells Torrie to leave.
Torrie heads out to leave. Of course Carlito hits a belly to back. Hits a backcracker. Pins her. The end.
“That’s my kinda match.” – Hernandez
“You always took longer beating them up though.” – Bill
“That’s because I’m always trying to figure out bigger combos to use on them..” – Hernandez
(As a note, we are commenting on Hernandez’s propensity for fighting divas in Smackdown vs. Raw.)
In the back – here come the Hardy.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:17
“I think the draft is simply to let Matt know which show he is actually on.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“I keep telling you, it’s ECW.” – Insyder JP
HARDYZ vs. CADE & MURDOCH
“Why have the champs been coming out first lately?” – Mike
“Writers don’t know what they’re doing?” – Hernandez
Matt is taped up as he starts off with Cade. Cade pushes Matt to the corner and breaks it on two. Lock-up again and Cade reverses it into a headlock, reversed by Matt, takedown from Cade and a hammer lock from Matt… reversed back and forth between the two. Matt breaks it and holds his tape. Small package shot – backslide pin – all two counts.
Sideheadlock now from Matt. Shouldercheck to Cade. Back to the ropes, and a leapfrom from Cade – flying cross from Cade for two. Tag to Murdoch now.
Murdoch elbows Matt down for two. He starts to lock up Matt’s arm. Shouldercheck and second one Matt hits a backdrop and tags in Jeff. Double elbow and the rolling elbows for two. Jeff now in the ring. Snapmare for two. Tag to Matt now and he wrings Murdoch’s arm. Tag to Jeff… Poetry in motion hits.
Jeff hits the toprope dropkick for two. Cade breaks the pin and Matt comes in and slams Cade down. They both clothesline Murdoch out. Jeff plants over the top rope onto Murdoch and seems Jeff hurt his knee there as he rolls back in.
He tags to Matt, Jeff holding his knee..
“He pulled a Lita”- Mike
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:28
We’re back and Matt’s got Murdoch in a headlock. Jeff is standing on the outside, but nursing the knee.
Murdoch tags Cade and begins working on Jeff’s back, knees to his back. Fast tags now between Cade and Murdoch. Continued beatings to Matt as they work his lowerback. Finally out of nowhere Matt hits a HARD ddt! Matt rolling for the hot tag. Gets it to Jeff! He comes in over the toprope, hitting a huge dropkick on Cade. Double legdrop on Murdoch. Jawbreaker to Cade. Double legdrop to him. He heads up to the top!
Swanton time! Murdoch though clocks him hard! Cade runs in and Matt hits the Twist of Fate. Jeff hits the Swanton – CADE MOVES!!!! THAT’S IT! Jeff’s leg was on the rope, Murdoch pushed off… nice.
WINNER: CADE & MURDOCH!
“I like this damn storyline!” – Me
Matt starts to yell with Murdoch and Cade about Jeff’s foot being on the rope… and not only do they argue about it… Cade & Murdoch clock them with the belts… nice.
“They turned! NEVER! They were such good sports too! I never would have seen it coming.” – Insyder JP
“And now Murdoch is making the face again!” – Mike
In the back, Coach asks if he can help Vince out.
“Gimme a title!” – Hernandez
“We’re out of titles..” – Bill
“MAKE ONE UP!” – Hernandez
He once again, feels the black cloud over his head.
“Here comes the NWO!” – Mike
“Bob Dylan is coming to take Vince down!” – Insyder kromadas
Coach gets at the top of key and begins discussing how the draft would work. In addition to that…
“Everything will stay the same.” – Bill
“They will all change?” – Hernandez
…it will be Vince Appreciation Night!
“ASALAKALAKIM!” – Hernandez
“Asalakimsalam!” – Me
Here comes Khali.
Oh and a commercial…
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:47
“John Cena Vs. The World’s Worst Prom Couple” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
CENA vs. UMAGA vs. KHALI
“Weighing 420 lbs..” – Announcer on Khali
“He’s only 420?” – Mike
“He’s mostly hollow.” – Bill
“Give them mics!” – Bill
Finally, at 10:52 – John Cena…
“And in tonight’s main event, its Hulk Hogan Lite v Yokozuna Lite v Giant Gonzales Lite. Fucking Stephanie.” – Insyder JP
Bell rings with both men staring him down. Cena runs in and gets clotheslined down. Khali throws Cena to the corner and hits a few hard elbows. Big boot to the face. Cena now rolls outand Khali follows. Umaga is nowhere to be seen.
Khali tosses Cena right intot he steps… and THERE’S Umaga, grabbing the stairs. He picks up the steps and THROWS them at Khali! Wow.
“Too bad they didn’t hit him.” – Hernandez
“It’d be funny as shit if that shot with the stairs made Khali talk normal.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
Cena in the ring now. Umaga goes to chase him and Cena throws the boot. Back elbow. Cena charges and eats a clothesline.
Cena now leaps over the top rope now to hit a sunset flip. Fights for the pin. Fights. Umaga jumps up and a miss on the buttdrop. Cena then tries to pick him up for a bodyslam – and falls under Umaga.
“Aww, Cena’s a narcoleptic.” – Hernandez
Umaga now hits a few dropping knees. Goes for a toprope drop onto Cena, but Cena gets his knees up. Cena hits the top rope and leaps – caught by Umaga and hits the black hole!
Now Umaga and Khali are in the ring face to.. wlel.. close enough to face.
“You.. threw.. steps at me…” – Mike
They yell for the crowd and begin the punch off between the two. Khali ends up dropping Umaga. Khali now pulls in Cena, but Cena chokes him on the top rope. He lifts him up for the FU… One elbow stops Cena. Headbutt from Khali. Boot to his gut. Tosses Cena to the counter corner.
Slams Cena. Legdrop from Khali and a pin for a close two – Cena’s foot on the rope. Umaga goes up on the turnbuckle and Khali goes and chops him down from it. Turns around and hits Cena.
“Khali calling spots in the ring.. GHEETT UPPPP” – Me
Umaga comes in and hits Khali to the ropes, and of course he gets tangled.
“He does that too often for my liking.” – Jeffrey
“It’s the curse of the big man. Andre spent most of his career there.” – Me
Umaga goes for the buttslam on Cena, and he misses. Turns and Khali grabs Umaga. Umaga hits a spike on Khali. Flying shouldertackle from Cena to Umaga sending him out. Cena hits the FU on Khali… solid. The end.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
That was that… what do we think?
“I liked the change of pace. Some matches we haven’t seen..” – Jeffrey
“Looking forward to next monday.” – Hernandez
“Why Cena?” – Jen
“It was alright.” – Bill
“I’m upset the Hardyz lost” – Laura
“Who gives a shit.. Ooo Law and Order theme!” – Mike