Welcome To My Nightmare

We’re getting some really good movie ideas, so keep them coming! I’ll start posting them next week.

I wanted to take a moment this week to sound off on what has become quite the controversy in the comic collectibles industry. That’s right, I’m talking about the Mary Jane statue.

I could take a bunch of time to explain the statue, but I think the picture speaks for itself. Enjoy!

OK, you’ve seen it, now let’s make like a psychology lab and overanalyze the hell out of it. And for that we call upon the services of Dr. Leonard Samson. He holds a doctorate in Psychology with a Minor in Douchebaggery:

Doc Samson: “How did the statue make you feel?”

Nightmare, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse: “Kinda funny, like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.”

Doc Samson: “If we could be serious for a minute…”

Nightmare: “I am being serious. I like redheads. It’s a biological reaction to their lovely crimson plumage. I see red hair and my heat seeking missile is primed for red alert, know what I’m sayin’?”

Doc Samson: “Yes I do, unfortunately…”

Nightmare: “And it doesn’t hurt that Parker’s wife is built like a porn star.”

Doc Samson: “But isn’t that the problem? Isn’t the statue too titillating for the average comic fan?”

Nightmare: “Isn’t the word “TITILLATING” too titillating for the average comic fan? I mean, it was obviously derived from “TIT”, which tends to lock the ol’ “S-Foil” in attack position, know what I’m sayin’?”

Doc Samson: “Um…I don’t…but I think you’re trying to evade the question. Do you or don’t you find the statue in poor taste or offensive in any way?”

Nightmare: “I own at least 20 statues. I have at least a couple of Wonder Woman and several Adam Hughes pieces. You’re familiar with Wonder Woman?”

Doc Samson: “The Amazon Princess from that other universe? I haven’t actually met her, but I’ve spoken with people whose adventures have led them to cross paths.”

Nightmare: “You couldn’t just say, ‘No’? Look, she’s a large breasted brunette who fights supervillains with a strapless one-piece and a magic rope. I think her actual superpower is, in fact, the ability to keep her hooters from flopping out.”

Doc Samson: “Interesting. S & M tendencies and knowledge of owls…”

Nightmare: “Oh man, HOOTERS! MELLONS! SWEATERMEAT! FUNBAGS, DAMMIT! What the Hell is wrong with you? Don’t you have regular sessions with the She-Hulk? The Black Cat? Mystique? Emma Frost?”

Doc Samson: “I’m afraid that falls under doctor-patient confidentiality.”

Nightmare: “And I’m afraid your hung like the Silver Surfer. Look, dawg — Mary Jane is hot. She’s a model and an actress. Every nerd and geek like Peter Parker dreams of getting a girl like Mary Jane.”

Doc Samson: “She represents the unattainable ideal?”

Nightmare: “She represents hot-ass redhead babes I want to do things to that are illegal in 49 states and Puerto Rico.”

Doc Samson: “Which state would this…activity…be legal?”

Nightmare: “Arkansas.”

Doc Samson: “Of course.”

Nightmare: “So the statue is sexy, so what? MOST female superheroes are sexy. Most of their statues are sexy. And don’t even start on anatomic correctness. If you’ve ever been depicted as a comic book character you don’t get to complain about that anymore. I mean, what if this sculpture was based on art by Rob Liefield? She’d either have giant manga boots on or no feet at all with a big boulder blocking where they should be. But the rest of her would be both anatomically incorrect and sexy as Hell. If you want a sculpture that’s a little less slinky, they should have used Kirsten Dunst, who while not proportioned like Jenna Jameson is still pretty tasty. Having said all that, Mary Jane’s statue looks a little anorexic. Pete oughta take her out for a few Hardee’s Monster Burgers.”

Doc Samson: “All right, let’s concede that there is a predisposition for comic book women to be gorgeous. Don’t you find the context of the statue at all offensive? The pose or the implied activity?”

Nightmare: “Unstable molecules don’t wash themselves, do they?”

Doc Samson: “I don’t think Spider-Man’s costume is constructed of unstable molecules.”

Nightmare: “It doesn’t matter. Superheroes can’t be caught fighting crime with three-day stank on ’em. And not only that, but have you seen Parker’s apartment? He can’t even have a telephone in his room, he probably doesn’t have a lot of options for laundry facilities. The bottom line, to me, is this: Should I spend money on a statue of a woman washing clothes? Should I spend money on a non-superhero with a washtub and a bottle off color-safe Tide? I gotta say no. I have only limited funds for these sorts of collectibles, and I’d rather spend my money on statues of Harley Quinn, Hawkgirl or Joseph Linsner’s Dawn — redheads, know what I’m sayin’?”

Doc Samson: “So to sum up, you’re telling me you’re not offended by the statue, you don’t find it too provacative and yet you wouldn’t buy it because Mary Jane isn’t a superhero?”

Nightmare: “If I have a choice between a Kotobukiya Supergirl, a Jim Lee Catwoman or a Mary Jane washing clothes, the first one that gets dismissed from the purchase decision process will be Mary Jane, yeah.”

Doc Samson: “And you don’t see the controversy that everyone else seems to have?”

Nightmare: “You talking about Starman Matt Morrison and the ‘Questionable Wisdom’ of Paul Sebert?”

Doc Samson: “Among others, yes.”

Nightmare: “I think, first and foremost, they’re entitled to their opinions. I’ll kick anyone’s ass who says otherwise. But I don’t know if I understand how a couple of dudes are gonna get bent out of shape about a chick doing laundry. Remember that song ‘Girls’ from the Beastie Boys? ‘Girls! To the laundry! Girls! To do the dishes!…’ Is that offensive? Yeah, probably. To girls. But most guys I know crank that up when it comes on the radio. Besides, if they think that’s bad, has anyone seen the more anatomically correct Power Girl 13-inch Action Figure that’s coming out? Her titillating breasts are bigger than Mary Jane’s head.”

Doc Samson: “Oh my, not another controversy!”

Nightmare: “Controversy or not, I’m gonna glue on a little Velcro landing strip on her when I get mine. Hells yeah!”

Doc Samson: “Get out.”

Nightmare: “Shit, if I knew that’s what it was gonna take, I’d have said that first.”

Doc Samson: “Welcome to my nightmare.”