Seriously, my computer has died on a basis that is regular only in how irritating it is, then Inside Pulse was down when I tried to check something on it, and now Youtube of all things appears to have gone home early… what – the – f*ck. Also: women providing added craziness to my life. It’s enough to make a guy forgo proper introductions and just proceed with his column, which is a far better way of coping than what this guy did…
Oh, yeah, questions link, right. Onwards…
Brothers and sisters are natural born enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damned Scots! They ruined Scotland…
The gleaming giver of greatness, Geoff, asks:
“Burnside,
It is currently raining like a motherf*cker here in good ol’
Massachusetts, so I decided to sit on the couch with some fine Taco
Bell cuisine and watch some TV. I happened across what appears to be a
Sonny Chiba marathon on the Independent Film Channel. The movie that’s
on now is called Karate For Life, or its original Japanese name,
Sora-te baka ichidai. In it, Chiba’s character, Masutatsu Oyama, is
convinced by (I think) some yakuza guy to compete in pro-wrestling
matches in Okinawa. The first match is a six-man tag, with Oyama and
two other Japanese dudes up against three Americans. The match ends
when Oyama beats one of the Americans half to death. The guy he beat
up kinda looks like Dory Funk Jr. Was that him? Were there any other
well-known wrestlers in the movie? Thank you.”
Mmm… tacos… they sound less fun than chimichanga but they’re actually much better once you get to know them.
Anyway, here’s the trailer for the movie:
As far as I can tell there weren’t any ‘name’ wrestlers involved but feel free to correct me on that one. Right now I’m just trying to make it through more than two sentences at a time without my laptop crashing on me yet again. I know that Dory Funk, Terry Funk, Ted Dibiase, Gene Kiniski, Larry Lane, Dick Murdoch and several others all appeared in Paradise Alley, a Sylvester Stallone film from 1978 about three brothers in the 1940s New York wrestling scene. The script contains this immortal pearl of wisdom – “Do you know how many men could’ve been sitting on top of the world, but they let a dame tell them what to do and the only thing they ended up sitting on top of was a toilet.”
Believe me, I’ve sat on many a toilet.
Sorry I can’t be of more help with this one. My knowledge of martial arts movies is on a par with my lack of knowledge of Jane Austen movies… hey, now there’s an interesting combination for Jet Li to try… Kwang Darcy, anyone?
So we’re getting another draft lottery. In fact, by the time this gets posted, it will have already happened. Allow me to present my telepathic abilities – Cena, Orton, Michaels, Hs, Mysterio, Batista and Undertaker will not move brands. Lashley, Kennedy, Booker, Benoit and a Hardy will. I don’t want to spraff on needlessly about that sort of thing though, instead I’d rather indulge in some fantasy booking… well, more of a fantasy suggestion, really. Don’t worry, it’s nothing kinky – and if it is then that says more about you than it does about me. It seems that WWE has set up some major points that could very easily incorporate a storyline bomb, the repercussions of which could be felt all the way through the summer months. Fact: they’re having a draft lottery to ‘shake things up’. Fact: the Mr McMahon character is crazier and more vindictive than ever. Fact: they want to have a ‘Night of Champions’ at Vengeance. So why not have Vince snap during the draft lottery and vacate each and every one of the WWE titles? It would perfectly compliment the Lashley storyline, particularly since he will no doubt me switched to Raw and not get another chance to regain the ECW title. It would get the belt off of Cena without damaging him at all, restoring him to the ol’ faithful position of unjustly screwed babyface chasing the title – just put it onto someone else (Booker?) and build up to Cena winning it back at SummerSlam. As for Edge, well, just throw in the caveat of a Cena vs Lashley vs Edge main event on the draft edition of Raw, with whoever scores the winning pinfall getting to retain their title. Edge would do that with an assist from Vince, since he was the only champion to pay an appropriate level of respect to the chairman. After that, host a number of mini-tournaments on the TV shows to build up to the finals at Vengeance, introduce a number of new people and have one of them nab a title belt for themselves (perhaps Spears & Runnels from OVW as tag champs?) and, yes, sort out something more sensible with regards to the tag team ranks. Have one of the titles, perhaps the cruiserweight one, get increasingly controversial as no undisputed clear champion can be found and so extend that feud out for a month or two. Let the obvious ramifications of former champions, new champions and power-hungry young stars drive the bulk of the promotion through the summer until things start to settle down and management can get a better picture of what direction they ought to take in regards to WrestleMania 24.
Or just engage in the zany and the whacky with Jackass, whichever sounds better to you…
Why, here’s a fellow. Wiry. Fast. Firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.
Nick Howells takes it to a broadsheet level:
“The Guardian. No not one of Big Bubba’s former monikers but a question about the UK’s favourite left-biased daily.
On the back of their Saturday sports section they have a feature called Six Steps to… (as in the Kevin Bacon game), sure you know the rules. Anyway this week they saw fit to include in the steps the following lines:
1 – “Stone Cold Steve Austin – Chyna is also the name of an American wrestler, renowned in WWE circles as the only woman ever to be concussed by Austin.”
2 – “Labrador – Austin had a famous feud with British Bulldog, The most popular dog isn’t the bulldog, its the labrador”
So firstly – I can’t remember a time when Austin and Chyna feuded, let alone he concussed her, was it around the time of the Austin / Michaels build to WM14? or an Austin / The H’s feud?
And I think we all know she is probably NOT the only woman he has concussed!
Secondly – Austin vs. Bulldog feud? Really, when?
During the Austin vs Hart Foundation feud leading to Canadian Stampede is the only possible time but I don’t recall a full on Austin vs Bulldog feud as it was mainly Austin vs Bret or Owen
Did they have a marquee feud in WCW? I doubt it.
Any views on the news?”
Pah. The Guardian, indeed. I suppose we’re all meant to save the world by cooking soya crumble from the heat of burning our own excrement and drinking urine-recyc out of our cupped hands whenever Bono deigns to relieve himself in our general direction? The only newspaper I ever bother reading is the Sunday Times, which fits in remarkably well with any prolonged couch time that may become available on a lazy weekend afternoon. I am well aware this means sending money in the general direction of Rupert Murdoch but I can offset this by downloading several Fox TV shows without consent… or, for any lawyers reading, not.
Is it safe to bring the Wayne’s World “NOT!” thing back yet? C’mon, I’m white, I have more than one pair of jeans and a handful of Queen and Aerosmith MP3s… it’d be just like the porch monkey from Clerks 2.
What was the question again? Oh yeah, Chyna and a Stone Cold Concussion. I’ve never heard anything about her getting a concussion from it but she was the first woman to take a Stunner. It happened at No Way Out ’98, when Austin teamed up with Owen Hart, Cactus Jack and Chainsaw “Terry Funk In A Stupid Costume” Charlie to fight Triple H, the New Age Outlaws and Savio “Not Entirely Worthy Substitute For Shawn Michaels” Vega in the main event. Austin had just won the match after giving Road Dogg a Stunner when Chyna started getting her feminine wiles in his face, hence getting the Kick, Wham treatment too as the show went off the air. They probably just confused and reported it as being something more than it was.
Oh, and while we’re watching outlandish movie trailers, check out this one for Illegal Aliens, starring Joanie Laurer and Anna Nicole Smith:
Beautiful. We’re gearing up for the weirdest damn DVD night ever.
As for an Austin/Bulldog feud, well, ‘no’ would be the short answer. They have of course fought one another many times in tag matches, brawls and the likes but to the best of my knowledge they’ve never had a one-on-one prolonged feud. When they were both in WCW in the early ’90s, Bulldog was mainly hanging out with Sting to face the likes of Vader and Sid, while Austin was mainly in the tag ranks with Pillman before feuding with Dustin Rhodes over the US title. When Austin first came into the WWF he was a heel, as was Bulldog, and so they never really fought one another until the epic Hart Foundation angle exploded in the summer of ’97. As you say though, Austin’s nemesis was Bret and then Owen. By the time Bulldog returned to the WWF in September ’99, Austin was barely wrestling anybody and only two months away from getting the neck surgery that kept him out of action for a year. Again, they had altercations, such as at Unforgiven when Bulldog randomly replaced Undertaker in the six-pack match for the title while Austin became the referee, but there was no feud and Bulldog soon moved onto the more suited European Title division.
So, basically, the Guardian is talking nonsense. Hands up all those who are surprised?
That line about the most popular dog being the labrador cracks me up. It sounds like the sort of thing Kurt Angle’s head would drop into an interview for no discernible reason. “I’m going to be the King of the Mountain because dogs are for life, not just Christmas. Can I have a UFC contract yet?” Still, perhaps there’s something in the notion of using the labrador as a gimmick. The Lethal Labrador? Young Jay is going to be needing another zany scheme to get heat soon enough. Give him some floppy ears and an arse-sniffing grin and have him hump Nash’s leg. MONEY.
A debate over the validity of star ratings has sprung up both here and on Scott Keith’s blog. The idea of serious people sitting in the serious position and giving serious thought to the serious notion of how many serious quarter-stars to award to serious matches involving serious wrestlers makes me seriously want to laugh out loud – only I can’t, on account of how very serious it all is.
Why did the world have to get any more complicated than thumbs up, thumbs down or thumbs in the middle? Have the serious people failed to grasp the most basic benefits of evolution?
Four and nine-seventh stars to the next question.
Trust me Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents instead of just one of them.
Matthew Michaels – yes, that one – makes the following valid contribution:
“Isn’t Hulk Hogan the TRUE WCW/World Heavyweight Champion, since he won the title from Jeff Jarrett in 2000 and actually has the belt in his home? Or did he lose any right to claim this when he lost his Undisputed WWF (i.e., “WWF Title” + “World Title”) to The Undertaker in 2002?”
Okay.
“The WWE doesn’t like Scotland?! As our favorite New Jersey crime boss would say, “Poor you, David.” The WWE embraces all of the UK and just because Scotland has not hosted a Raw, etc. doesn’t mean you are unloved. It could be building issues, routing issues, etc., that have prevented the WWE from producing TV in Scotland, but no one in the WWE hates Scotland, I absolutely assure you.”
So said Jim Ross in his WWE blog Q&A. I don’t for one instant think that there is a secret cabal of anti-Scotland provocateurs who have infilitrated WWE’s ranks in order to prevent any TV crews from venturing any further north than Manchester but, well, it sure would be nice if they could at some point. Given the number of flights that are available to and from Glasgow and Edinburgh these days, coupled with the numerous house shows they have already held at the SECC, which would no doubt sell-out to an acceptable 8,000 capacity, why not dare to host a taping up here? Hell, it doesn’t even have to be Raw; we’re not as proud as you are, Jim. They’re doing two dates in Glasgow and one in Aberdeen in the October tour but I haven’t the slightest inclination to go there and see something that would prove as financially viable as the K Foundation. C’mon, Jim, get us a show. Throw in a main event of Shawn Michaels & Gordon Strachan vs John Cena & Walter Smith and you’d have more heat than all the square gardens in the world could muster.
How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!
The Mr Stay Puft man just… pops in here:
“Can’t remember if you’ve answered this one before, Iain, but having watched the excruciating One Night Stand last week, I have to ask, what – in your humble opinion – is the worst PPV ever put on by a major promotion? Why? I don’t think ONS was the worst, but as the first thing I watched after a year of boycotting the WWE, boy, was it a bad one to return on. So much so that I immediately decided to reinstate my boycott…possibly permanently. I mean, who’s booking this deranged, insulting crap? And how are they getting people to watch it? And why am I throwing out secondary and even tertiary questions?”
Let’s answer those in reverse order:
You are composed of sugar, egg whites, gelatin and miscellaneous, just be grateful that you have the ability to ask any questions, never mind superfluous ones.
By trying hard to not get people to watch it, people will instead stick around to watch it in the hope that somehow, someway, everything will work itself out. I believe we can call this the Lost effect nowadays. TV that doesn’t so much jump the shark as it does try to mate with it.
People who get paid to book it. It may well be one of those strange corporate things in which it is more prudent to be incompetent and thus drag things out for the long-term than it is to be highly efficient, since then you’d just find your enemies were not that close anymore and you’d wind up out of a job. It’s rather depressing to think about, so try not to and perhaps eat your delicious belly instead.
Why not?
The next one. At least, it seems that way given the level of antagonism that always floods the forums when the chuds come out to post. Still, I don’t think anybody can seriously argue that WWE’s worst efforts were WrestleMania IX, King of the Ring ’95 and December to Dismember. There are a few more contenders from WCW, such as Great American Bash ’91, Souled Out ’97 and Uncensored ’95. Let’s take a look-see:
Bash ’91 – a Scaffold Match in which nobody needs to even fall off it; a pre-Razor version of Scott Hall struggles and fails to impress; Nash dresses up as Oz; the Rock & Roll Express imploding rather than exploding; the Freebirds prove far too sober to get anybody to care; Pillman dresses up as Yellow Dog to job to a gay man; a Lumberjack Match (wowee); El Gigante carrying midgets around; Sting gets a pop but no decent match; Windham and Luger in a title match that requires far too much background information to get anybody to even begin to contemplate appreciating it, which no sane person even could; then there’s Missy Hyatt wrestling in the sodding main event, without even a single cum shot.
But never mind that, we can’t possibly resist people carrying midgets:
Hot.
WrestleMania IX – JR debuts in a toga; Michaels claims match of the night with a half-hearted performance against Tatanka that ends in a count-out; the Steiner brothers get to speak before anybody white knew of the word ‘holla’, then they fight some Samoan stereotypes; Crush and Doink provide a blinding cacophony of colour and then finish with a clone and a fake arm, which should definitely be the basis for a porn villain; Razor and Backlund collide before anybody cared about the former or appreciated the latter in an ironic manner; Hogan and Beefcake make the tag champs look like chumps; Hennig and Luger provide a textbook example of people who are too damn apathetic about their medication to care about wrestling; Undertaker gets a vulture and a match with Giant Gonzalez; Bret Hart, Yokozuna, salt, Fuji, Hogan, legdrop, bleurgh, video:
Uncensored ’95 – two guys fight on the back of a truck and need to blow horn to win (not a metaphor); Jim Duggan enters a martial arts contest, which surely needs to be made into a movie… we could even get Dory Funk a cameo; Arn Anderson gets into a boxing contest; Savage and Tenta have a match with no redeeming value other than Flair becoming a transvestite just so he can do a run-in; Sting gets to lose to TAFKA Big Bossman, because MONEY; the Nasty Boys and Harlem Heat have a ‘hardcore’ brawl that is so violent they use cotton candy as a weapon (and sell for it); then there’s the merry sight of Renegade turning up in the Hogan/Vader main event that also includes masked run-ins from Savage and Arn. Your guess is as good as mine.
Here’s the magical truck match:
KOTR ’95 – Vince and Dok Hendrix on commentary, for starters; Savio Vega Match #1… against Yokozuna… in the opener; the roadie and the race car driver get match of the night honours, perhaps for the only time; Michaels is jobbed out in a time limit draw with the Kama Shango Pimp, thus eliminating the only face the crowd cares about from the rest of the show; Mabel and Undertaker experiment with rest holds… perhaps Randy Orton was taking notes; Savio Vega Match #2, in which he needs a Jeff Jarrett run-in to win; Lawler kisses Bret’s feet; Savio Vega Match #3 draws ‘ezeedub’ chants from the crowd; Mabel is coronated whilst pelted with crap by the crowd; the non-title main event involves Nash, Bigelow, Sid and Tatanka. Only Sid has the sense to walk out.
[The show was so bad Youtube has shunned it]
Souled Out ’97 – nWo Nick Patrick referees all the matches and proves as biased as expected; they tinker with the production to the detriment of everybody’s enjoyment; Jericho failed to invent Jerichohol yet; a Death Match ends with Hugh Morrus getting hit by a motorbike; a Miss nWo pageant clogs up far too much time; JEFF JARRETT AND MICHAEL WALLSTREET, BITCH; there’s an infomercial performance by an nWo house band; Buff Bagwell has the PA system to insult his opponent during the match; DDP turns down the nWo; they throw in a Dusty +1 finish to the tag title match; Eddie and Waltman have a rather tasty Ladder Match; Bischoff kisses a fat chick; then Hogan and Giant stink up the main event with a zillion run-ins, none of which are from Sting to send the fans home happy. The quality of the US title match was offset by the creeping unfamiliarity of the nWo set.
Tread carefully those who press play, for here’s the main event:
Oh, we get all the good stuff in this column.
December to Dismember – the Hardys and MNM have a rather good match before the world stops turning; Striker tries to do some basic wrestling with Balls but then loses to a transition move for the hell of it; Sylvester Terkay blows everything in sight, except for his opponents and tag partner, thankfully; Daivari and Tommy Dreamer are inexplicably deemed worthy of having a PPV match together; Bob Holly gets Sabu’s main event spot on an ECW card; Kelly Kelly proves an even worse wrestler than ‘Khali Khali’ could ever hope to be; Heyman does a speech to kill time since they’ve run out of undercard after an hour and a half; Punk and RVD get tossed from the Elimination Chamber very early so we can build to Lashley’s title triumph, which of course the crowd fail to find even remotely redeeming. Bear in mind they only bothered to announce two matches in advance and one of those had nothing to do with ECW at all.
Of course, the honest answer must always be WWF Over the Edge ’99.
Perhaps one day they will make a PPV that truly stands below all the others. I would suggest they open with Khali & Candice against Vince & Stephanie in a dance-off competition, with whichever couple proves clumsier or more erotic getting the nod from the judging panel – a Hilary Clinton look-a-like, Chevy Chase and Todd Pettengill. Then we can dive right into the action with a three-minute iron man contest between Johnny Knoxville and Bob Holly, in which the first one to score twenty-two pinfalls is the victor. After that we better find something for Chris Benoit to do, so we’ll have him in a submission match against the internet. He’ll lose, because the money is in the chase. Then we’ll shift some T-shirts by having Steve Austin appear to give Stunners to everybody from Smackdown. After that it’s time to have a special Diva Babybel Hunt, in which they all chase a Babybel down the aisle and work in high spots like menstruating. Randy Orton would then lose (SWERVE) in a Headlock Holding Hooplah, on account of needing to go #2 really, really badly because Vickie Guerrero poured laxative into his hairgel, which was then swapped (SWERVE) with his toothpaste. Let’s be extra generous and throw in seven Kennedy matches against former Nation of Domination members, thus giving the announcers ample opportunity to get his catchphrase over. Vince McMahon then teams up with Buddha to take on Shawn Michaels and two Canadian representatives, Matthew Perry and Blade Hart. And for the main event, well, nothing could be better than John Cena going shoe-shopping!
Here’s an odd little fact that I’ve only just realised – John Cena wins a lot.
There, now I’ve managed to paraphrase Bambi Weavil’s, er, ‘column’ in just five words. Now you don’t have to spend all day wading through her tremendously trying total of three paragraphs. Really, what is the point of it? She says “for things to change, you have to make movement”. Fair enough. How about changing your column for the better by making your fingers move over the keyboard more?
And Cena’s still a pussy:
NugNug, who should be in contention for Prettiest Name On The Internet, gets up and about with:
“I read in the Observer this week something about the TNA guys getting angsty about Scott Roidner’s injury in Puerto Rico because of what happened to Bruiser Brody there. I’ve heard bits and pieces about Brody’s demise but never really got a handle on the whole story. Care to provide one?”
Not really, I’m hungry and the house smells of roasting chicken. But there’s time yet…
Bruiser Brody had worked for the WWC for many years as a heel but had turned face in the summer of 1987, coming to the aid of Invader #1 and teaming with him on several occasions. Invader’s real name was Jose Huertas Gonzales and it is believed the two had various arguments over match finishes, while Gonzales was getting paranoid about Brody possibly stealing his spot as the top face in the promotion. There was even speculation about Brody trying to buy the entire promotion, which may have rubbed some people the wrong way. Still, the attack on the 17th July 1988 did seem to come out of nowhere as Brody was not the sort of person to get caught unaware had there been any existing friction.
Brody ate dinner with Tony Atlas and Dutch Mantel (the current TNA guy of which you speak) on the evening in question. Gonzales called Brody and said there was a problem about taxes that they needed to discuss, only for Brody to blow him off as he would only discuss money matters with Victor Quinones, the co-promoter, and was well-known for keeping on top of his tax records anyway. When they arrived at the arena, Gonzales was spotted sitting on a bench in the babyface locker room with a large towel around his right hand. He came up to Brody to again ask if they could talk in private and they went into the shower area to talk. People heard screams and rushed in to find Brody conscious but spurting blood. He had been stabbed several times, including wounds to the liver and lungs and had one of his arteries severed. He told Colon to take care of his son no matter what happened. Gonzales fled the building, Brody was taken to hospital and the show went ahead, with a note passed to the heel locker room saying Brody would not be appearing.
Incredibly, as most in the promotion failed to realise just how serious Brody’s injuries were, Gonzales returned to the arena without the knife and wearing a new shirt and was allowed to wrestle his match that very night. A message had been left with Barbara Goodish, Brody’s wife back in the States, and when she called the hotel it was Dutch Mantel she spoke to. He told her what had happened and she came to Puerto Rico as quickly as possible, except by now Brody had died. He had taken several aspirin and his blood had thinned to the extent that the doctors could not stop the bleeding whilst undergoing surgery.
The promotion ran a show the next night, which several of the American wrestlers boycotted when word got out about what had happened. Some of them went to the police to give statements, yet the force did not appear to be all that interested in pursuing the case. Gonzales was arrested but the murder weapon was long gone and he was later acquitted, citing self-defence and using Brody’s renowned temper to help his case. He returned to work for the promotion again but the Puerto Rican wrestling scene was effectively crippled for a while afterwards.
And WWE thinks it has an unruly locker room when people play too many video games!
Alright then, that about does it for number twenty-seven. Pulse Wrestling Answers returns next week as scheduled, so bestow questions upon me and we’ll all dance a merry jig. In the meantime, check this lot out:
Kyle David Paul gets rather carried away (“faith, fear and human history” indeed) but still makes a good comparison between the current product and the Attitude years…
Aaron and Andy write about how great ROH is. Sun rise, sun set…
Brashear talks about kayfabe, thus breaking the first rule of kayfabe. Hilariously, WCW broke all the other rules with the delicacy of using a bulldozer instead of toilet paper the morning after a spicy meal and four pints of Guinness…
VS features a bunch of people, i.e. three, being important and stuff – particularly on the final question, which is so serious that it merits five and two-third stars, at least three of which are shoots…
Murray writes about wrestling, of course, but what really got my attention is him stating season four of Buffy was the worst of the series. How can the season including episodes like Hush, Superstar and Restless possibly be deemed worse than the mundane first season or the contractually obligated sham of the final one? Still, he built a very nice house, so it’s no biggie…
WWF No Mercy for the N64. Greatest wrestling video game of all time or overhyped non-entity? Derek Kelley decides…
We’ll end it here with one more quote for the road:
Aka ni taishite burei da. Yogore ni yoberu. Honki da yo.
AIM: KingKongBurnside
MSN: Zomig
