Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
I’m not going to give it a spot in “Blurbs of the Week”—mostly because that section is reserved for music-related news, and despite the fact that she’s released a record, I refuse to recognize Paris Hilton as a musician in any capacity—but I’d be remiss not to applaud the judge who decided to throw her back in the slammer. For whatever reason, she was let out of jail after a few days due to what the sheriff described as a “medical emergency”. Methinks she blew him or something. HA… looks like the joke’s on her now. I honestly hope she kills herself in prison, and after reading stories saying that she isn’t eating or sleeping, it may actually be a plausible outcome.
I also heard a new track by Supa Nova Slom last week, which was decent but pretty much sounds like a lot of the other gangsta rap floating around these days. The beat is a sort of Dr. Dre-meets-Legendary Traxter type thing, and with cameos by The Game and Jadakiss, it’ll more than likely be big. The one interesting thing about Supa Nova Slom, though, is that while he’s not doing anything to really stand out musically, he’s pledged to help the inner cities plagued by gang activity with a movement of social healing, outlined in his new album Unify the Hood, Heal the Hood. I’m not sure how getting The Game and Jadakiss on your album helps in that respect, but I digress. You can stream “G’s Up Salute” here.
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Rapper THE GAME is in trouble with the law yet again, this time being charged last Monday with making a criminal threat and possession of a firearm in a school zone (classy). According to prosecutors, the felony charges stem from an incident in February, when The Game (né Jayceon Taylor) got pissed off while playing a pickup game at a park in South Los Angeles, and after punching an opposing player, he went to his Escalade, pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot the man. It was this case that ultimately led to the rapper’s Glendale, Calif., home being searched last month, at which time he was arrested for exhibiting a firearm in the presence of a police officer. If he’s convicted of the felony charges, he could face up to five years in prison. The Game pled not guilty to all of the charges on Thursday. Hey, I’m all for it. Sure, he has some good songs, but it seems like it’s damn near impossible for this guy to stay out of f*cking trouble. I mean, really, grow the f*ck up. You’re always in the public eye for your music, and many poor, misguided children look up to you. Knock off the skullduggery and act like a f*cking adult. It seems like The Game is always either getting into a fight, pulling a gun on someone or doing shit like pretending to be a police officer to get a cabbie to blow red lights. Getting him off the street for five years would be a damn good idea. And while they’re at it, throw Lil Jon in there, too, just for the hell of it, because a world without Lil Jon would be a much, much better world.
Amid charges that he danced inappropriately with a 14-year-old girl at a club in Trinidad back in April, singer AKON has once again made headlines tossing a teenage boy off of the stage at a festival at Duchess Stadium in Fishkill, N.Y., last Sunday. In the video, Akon is talking to the crowd before his performance, and a balled-up piece of paper is seen being thrown from the crowd, barely missing his head. Instead of ignoring it like most musicians would do, Akon has the crowd and security find the culprit, who is then brought on-stage as Akon removes his jewelry and his wife-beater. As the kid stands up in front of him, Akon picks him up in a fireman’s carry and tosses him back into the audience. The kid reportedly refused medical treatment and left after the incident, though a girl who he landed on was diagnosed with a concussion and may file charges if the singer doesn’t issue an apology. A detective from the Fishkill Police Department, who is currently investigating the case, told reporters, “We’re trying to identify that kid, just to find out whether or not we have any kind of criminal offense. … We are looking to speak to him. No victim. No crime.” The kid’s probably not going to resurface because he got pwned in public. But really, while it was stupid for Akon to pick the kid up and throw him into the crowd (from a liability standpoint) when he could have just ignored it and acted like an adult, people who throw shit at the stage deserved to be kicked in the junk or at least kicked out of the venue. It’s part of concert etiquette, and while this kid was apparently only 15 years old, hopefully he’ll remember this for the rest of his life and not grow up to be a f*cking idiot who does it at every concert, and if he doesn’t plan to stop throwing stuff during concerts, I hope a shark bites off his f*cking arms.
MARILYN MANSON recently explained to reporters that a song off of his new album, Eat Me, Drink Me, is dedicated to MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE singer Gerard Way, who Manson claims has been making money and selling records by biting his sound and style (including “costumes, make-up, macabre imagery and songs about death”). He said, “I’m embarrassed to be me because these people are doing a really sad, pitiful, shallow version of what I’ve done. If they want to identify with me then here’s a razor blade. Call me when you’re done and we’ll talk.” Yes, please, Gerard Way, do slit your wrists, as I, for one, would not miss you. Plus, you’d totally sell more records if you were dead! Way later responded to the comments, implying that Manson just wanted to promote his album (highly probable), and adding, “We still haven’t found someone that has knocked us down that we need to take seriously. If ELVIS COSTELLO said we sucked we would think about it a bit…” You heard it here first, folks. Will someone please get Elvis Costello on the phone with Gerard Way? I’ve got $500 going out to the person to make that happen.
Legendary hip-hop producer MARLEY MARL suffered a heart attack on Tuesday in New York, and while the 44-year-old (né Marlon Williams) was rushed to a local hospital, he was said to be in stable condition soon thereafter. No word yet on whether he’ll have to undergo surgery or not, though a spokesperson sent out a statement on Wednesday asking fans to pray for him. The SMonday Swindle Sheet would like to wish Marley Marl a speedy recovery, and also would like to wish that Gerard Way gets crushed by an anvil. If that’s not an emo death I don’t know what is.
News Headline: Maroon 5’s Adam Levine doesn’t want to be called a ‘celebrity’
How about “hubristic douchebag”? Does that work?
BJÖRK recently told reporters that she sympathizes with human train wreck BRITNEY SPEARS, as she knows that the pressures of fame can a take a toll on one’s sanity. Let Us Take You Back to 1996, when Björk attacked a reporter in Bangkok, who she claims was trying to interview her young son. “Welcome to Bangkok” to open up and it’s a strong right from Björk, who grabs her and applies the HAIR-PULL FROM HELL, before taking her down, and HERE COMES SECURITY. Not bad, and Björk definitely pwn3d her ass. ***
Rapper/producer JERMAINE DUPRI was involved in an automobile accident in New York early Thursday morning, and although a member of his security staff was hospitalized for a broken arm, Dupri himself was injured. An associate told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “Luckily he wasn’t sitting on top of that stack of phonebooks like he usually does, because otherwise he probably would’ve gone flying through the windshield.” Awww… maybe next time.
Singer AMY WINEHOUSE and new hubby Blake Fielder-Civil were seen having a heated argument in public last weekend, just hours after WInehouse had performed at the MTV Movie Awards in Los Angeles. According to witnesses, the two had walked into the lobby of the Sunset Marquis Hotel in Hollywood, as Winehouse was shouting, “You always f*cking do this! Don’t f*cking touch me! Fuck you!” before they went back outside and argued out on the sidewalk for over an hour. They finally went inside after realizing that a reporter for The SMonday Swindle Sheet had been watching them the entire time—the same reporter who found out that the two were arguing because Fielder-Civil had refused to go to In-N-Out Burger, referring to it as “overrated.” You heard it here first.
According to a statement sent to People magazine from his representatives, BON JOVI guitarist Richie Sambora has checked himself into rehab at an unspecified facility in the Los Angeles area, to treat an unspecified substance abuse problem. I’m not condoning substance abuse or anything, but if I had just lost this (NOT WORK SAFE), chances are that I’d probably be pretty likely to start drinking heavily and/or taking drugs, too.
As part of his sentence for being caught slumped behind the wheel of his vehicle while in traffic and under the influence of drugs, a British judge sentenced singer GEORGE MICHAEL to 100 hours of community service and suspended his driver’s license for two years. Michael, who had also been ordered to pay a fine of around $4,622, said in court that “I had done something really wrong in putting other people at risk.” Apparently happy that he wouldn’t be going to jail, he gloated in front of reporters who were waiting outside of the courthouse as he exited, saying, “Don’t bother to ask any questions, because believe me I am not going to answer them. Except for you Widro… The equation for the total surface area of a cone is pi times the radius, times the sum of the radius and the slant height.”
KYLIE MINOGUE is fanning rumors that tracks from her upcoming album, which is slated for release in fall, were leaked by her record company as part of a publicity stunt. While the British newspaper The Sun wrote that it’s a “new marketing ploy that record companies are using to get exposure,” a spokesperson for the singer told reporters, “There would be no point songs being released onto the net this far ahead of the release.”
Former LUNIZ rapper YUKMOUTH was arrested last weekend in Los Angeles after an officer pulling his vehicle over for a traffic stop discovered that he was driving on a suspended license, and also had an outstanding warrant for his arrest. While the reason for the outstanding warrant was not revealed by police, they took Yukmouth (né Jerold Dwight Ellis II) into custody and charged him, setting bail at $40,000. … Speaking of yuck mouths, in a pretty much unrelated story (though I just couldn’t not use that segue), JAY-Z reportedly proposed to girlfriend/singer/halitosis sufferer BEYONCÉ a few weeks back in Cannes, France, while they were on vacation. She accepted, and the two will, as Jay-Z put it, have “the hip-hop wedding to end all hip-hop weddings.” You have been warned.
Mike Williams, singer for New Orleans-based sludge metal band EYEHATEGOD, was released from prison last week after serving his second sentence in three years, this one again stemming from narcotics charges. Williams wrote on his blog, “Hey kids … I’m out of jail, again. Just a minor technicality, though. It’s all part of the game. Society f*cks us all sooner or later in one way or another; but two months in Orleans Parish Prison really ain’t nuthin’ compared to the bullshit of everyday life. If you wanna play the drug game you better be ready to deal with the consequences – it ain’t no joke.” As part of the sentence, a judge ruled that WIlliams be banned from New Orleans for the next five years. In other words, it’ll be just in time for the cleanup for Hurricane Katrina to be finished.
Cheers
-JF2k7!
ENDNOTE
1 Eric S. at least has worked with ignorant brazers for years, but Amy Winehouse, being from England, I’m quite certain that you have no frame of reference.
