Counterfeit Pennies: Pre-Draft Analysis + American Wrestling Idol Finals

Pre-Draft Analysis: Five Suggestions for WWE

With the WWE Draft slated for tonight’s three-hour edition of Raw, I would be remiss if I did not provide my own suggestions to help out Vince McMahon & Co. on this momentous day.

Below are five ideas I’ve conjured up that I feel would make this particular Draft a success:

1) Send C.M. Punk from ECW to Raw: While some of my colleagues in the IWC are against this scenario, I think this is the type of blockbuster move that the Draft needs in order to be seen as a credible shakeup of the brands. At ROH, C.M. Punk obviously accumulated a loyal and devoted following that truly saw how great he could be without the constraints of big business. When Punk jumped over to WWE, the logical choice of brands to make a splash and to help Punk get his feet wet was ECW. However, now that the TV contract with Sci-Fi is signed and Paul Heyman is nowhere to be found, it’s time for Punk to be moved over from WWE’s niche brand to its flagship show. Time and time again, Punk has shown that he has the acumen and the potential to become one of the best wrestlers in WWE history. I know that may scare some of the big names on Raw who love politicking for their spots more than the actual wrestling industry, but cooler heads must prevail and Punk has to be given the chance to show what he can do against wrestlers of higher caliber and prestige than The New Breed. Of course, it would also be nice to see the return of The Pepsi Plunge, but hey, I won’t push my luck on that one.

2) Send Randy Orton from Raw to ECW: Many people believe that Orton will be sent to ECW as a sort of punishment for all of his recent indiscretions behind the scenes, but I actually feel that this move would be beneficial for both Orton and ECW. I would equate this move to that of Edge getting a chance to essentially become the top attraction on SmackDown! in the sense that Orton has developed the sort of mean streak that fits in perfectly with the ECW mantra, and that brash attitude could really inject new life into the one-hour show. In terms of storylines, Orton has already “killed the Legend” of ECW Original RVD, and so he already has a mechanism by which other angles and feuds can be developed. I just feel like there’s not much a future left for Randy Orton on Raw, unless he wants to stick around and become Triple H’s stepping stone once again.

3) Send Umaga (with Armando Alejandro Estrada) from Raw to ECW: Umaga has had as phenomenal a run as anyone could have ever expected when his character was first unleashed on Raw. With that said, Umaga and his upper mid-card status could use a change of scenery, and ECW could benefit from such a move especially if Estrada is included. Lashley and Umaga have been feuding across all of the different brands anyway, so perhaps it would be a good idea to consolidate them into one entity. In addition, Estrada could find himself branching out from being Umaga’s mouthpiece on ECW by filling Paul Heyman’s still-vacant shoes as the GM-type figure for the entire show. Together or apart, Umaga and Estrada could definitely bolster ECW in a couple of different ways that would keep me tuning into the Tuesday night show.

4) Send Matt Hardy from SmackDown! to Raw: The Hardys and Cade/Murdoch have had one of the most compelling storylines of the year on Raw. Cade and Murdoch have gone from a tag team on the lower end of the card with NO heat to reviled Tag Team Champions, and this change in crowd reaction is due to good writing and great execution by all four wrestlers involved. I know that there are plans for Matt Hardy to stay on SmackDown! as a singles wrestler and that I have been begging for an Edge-Matt Big Gold Belt title match. At the same time, however, this storyline has just been so much fun to watch and so well-done that I think it would be a great idea to let Matt and Jeff stay reunited on Raw so they can keep this feud alive for a little or even a lot longer than originally planned.

5) Send Michelle McCool from SmackDown! to Raw: Michelle McCool has strung together a few good weeks as of late, and I’d like to see Michelle on Raw so she can wrestle for the Women’s Championship in the near future. Don’t forget that Michelle and Melina have a history of hatred in storylines that dates back to when they were both on SmackDown!, and in my eyes Michelle is poised for a solid run if given the chance.

American Wrestling Idol: Part 2, The Finals

Here’s a reminder of the Top Ten American Wrestling Idol Finalists:

Male: The Berserker, Conquistador Version 3.0, Bushwhacker Butch, Scotty 2 Hotty

Female: Rosie O’Donnell, Star Jones, Aurora Rose Levesque, Katie Vick

Midgets: Little Boogeyman #2, Little ULTIMATE Warrior

The Men

Over the past two weeks, the contest for American Wrestling Idol got hot and heavy as the contestants had to audition in STAMFORD, Conn. for an increasingly volatile Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

On the male side, Vince McMahon was thoroughly impressed with The Berserker. In fact, Mr. McMahon was so delighted with Berserker’s steadfast “Hussing” that he jumped out of his rocking chair, clapped his hands, and began “Hussing” along. It even got to the point where Vince took Berserker’s Viking helmet, slapped it on his head, and started dancing a jig.

This did not impress Scotty 2 Hotty, and so Scotty – who was still a little infuriated for having to enter this competitions after getting fired while still being injured – decided to try and use Bushwhacker Butch’s head as a battering ram to clean Vince’s clock. However, The Berserker noticed what Scotty was up to, and just as Scotty was about to get his revenge, Berserker threw Conquistador Version 3.0 – who is part human, part robot, part I-Pod – in Scotty and Butch’s path to make sure Vince was unharmed.

Conquistador Version 3.0 took a huge blow to the abdomen / circular Menu button, and as a result he was forced to withdraw from the competition so he could get treated sometime this Century at the Apple Store.

Meanwhile, a dazed Butch and a bewildered Scotty were no match for the Chairman and his newfound friend, and a few “Husses” later they were both taken out of commission due to repeated Viking Spikes to the pupils.

Vince subsequently crowned The Berserker the winner on the male side of American Wrestling Idol, ignoring the millions of votes that were cast, as predicted.

WINNER: The Berserker

The Women

As far as the females were concerned, judge Stephanie McMahon threw her weight around to make sure that Star Jones and Rosie O’Donnell did not make it to STAMFORD. With just one phone call, Stephanie was able to coerce the World’s Largest Love Machine – Viscera – into muscling his way into Star Jones’ heart. It was a chance encounter at The Cracker Barrel that did the trick, and as soon as Star feasted her eyes on Big Vis, her heart pounded so fast that her stomach unstapled itself. Star realized that surgery was not the answer she’d been looking for, and together she and Viscera are filming the sequel to the movie “He Said, She Said” featuring lots of sizzling bacon (instead of Kevin Bacon).

To get Rosie O’Donnell out of the way, Stephanie simply sent an anonymous text message to Rosie’s cell phone indicating that in order to continue into the Finals, Rosie would have to engage in a political debate that involved fact-checking. A text reply from Ms. O’Donnell, which was written in the same unique format of her blog entries, stated: “I @m n0 1onger interested. TTYL!!!!!!!!!!! – RosieD ;-)”

With these two behemoths out of the way, the only two competitors left on the female side were Aurora Rose Levesque and Katie Vick. Aurora was carried into the audition by her father – Paul Levesque – and she was wearing a DX SUCK IT bib over her one-piece ring attire. Meanwhile, Katie looked a little pale and dusty as she entered the room.

Stephanie asked the two remaining finalists one question before making her decision: “What can you offer as a potential WWE Diva that is unique and interesting?”

After a slight pause, Katie Vick stood up and muttered, “*Cough*”. In response, Aurora Rose said, “*Bxk*$(&#^]]FGSJDhd*”, in which Aurora’s dad Paul interpreted as, “I will bring a blend of grace and charm that will truly make my mother proud.”

Stephanie was beaming at Aurora’s articulate and heartfelt answer, and thus she was named the female American Wrestling Idol. To add injury to insult, Katie Vick must have been a little too slow in leaving the premises, and so Stephanie invoked witchcraft to transform Katie back into a mannequin that she would then present to her husband as a way to spice up their relationship.

WINNER: Aurora Rose Levesque

The Midgets

Rather than resort to counting votes and judging, the Producers of AWI thought it would be best to settle this dispute with good old-fashioned wrestling.

Little Boogeyman #2 vs. Little ULTIMATE Warrior: Little Boogeyman #2’s music hits, and he gyrates his way to the ring. As he goes up the ramp to the ring, Michael Cole notices that instead or worms LB#2 is eating Swedish Fish. JBL exclaims that LB#2’s choice of candy reminds him of that time when he and Ron Simmons introduced Beer-Battered Bonkers candy to legions of fans across the world whenever they would show up drunk to autograph signing events. Little ULTIMATE Warrior’s music hits and he sprints his way to the ring. LUW uses an old Spirit Squad trampoline to spring himself into the ring, and he shakes on the middle rope with a furor that is going to make Batista jealous. “Shades of Howard Finkel,” says JBL. The match finally is under way, and before you know it LB#2 gets the early advantage with a headlock that wears down LUW to the point wear LB#2 gets in a nice running Bulldog as he uses the ropes for leverage a la Trish Stratus. LB#2 then takes a big mouthful of Swedish Fish that are in his mouth and drips them onto the back of Little ULTIMATE Warrior, who writhes in agony for fear of MTDs (Midget Transmitted Diseases). Feeling like his skin is on fire, LUW rolls out of the ring and takes a HARD landing onto the floor. LB#2 stands up in the middle of the ring and does his patented celebratory taunt — THE BOOGEY WORM – and the crowd eats it up like Joey Mercury and painkillers. This infuriates Little ULTIMATE Warrior, who peels himself off the floor and springs into the ring off the trampoline with a newfound purpose. LUW begins to breathe heavily and raise his arms in the air as if he is channeling all of the energy from all of the Little ULTIMATE Warriors in the crowd and all over the world. LB#2 then starts gyrating even faster than before, as if he is reaching for help from all of the Little Boogeymen in attendance and watching at home. In the middle of this epic showdown, the lights suddenly go dark. No one knows what’s going on, and the arena is ripe with speculation. A bell tolls, the lights come back on, and Little Undertaker is in the ring! Double Choke Slam to LB#2 and LUW! ARMS CROSSED! PINFALL!

WINNER and NEW American Wrestling Idol Midget Champion – Little Undertaker. *****

That does it for this inaugural Season of American Wrestling Idol. I definitely welcome any and all feedback either via email or in the forums regarding this as well as my pre-draft analysis.

Around the Pulse:

Andy Wheeler’s For Your Consideration has been a fine addition to Pulse Wrestling since its debut in March 2007. Check out Andy’s archives and let him know what you think!

Meanwhile, I always enjoy Steve Murray’s A Look on the Bright Side, and if you haven’t already you should take a look for yourself at Mr Murray’s latest offerings.

While Scott Keith is widely known for his wrestling commentary, The Smark DVD Rant for Season Five of Scrubs is a gem of a review that can be found over at Prime Time Pulse.

It’s always a good idea to check in with the good folks over at Broken Dial to get your bubble gum free music fix.

That’s all for this edition of Counterfeit Pennies!

Until next time – CB.

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