The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Primetime Wrestling – June 1 1987

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – June 1 1987

– Hosted by Gorilla & Bobby (with Bobby’s legal representative and part-time comedian, Lance Wiltshire, hanging around)

– Magnificent Muraco v. Lanny Poffo. From a Toronto house show. Muraco grabs a headlock to start and pounds away in the corner, then takes him down for a rolling necksnap. We hit the chinlock for some of the usual cheating from Muraco, but Poffo reverses to a hammerlock. Commentary places this shortly after Wrestlemania III, for those keeping track. Poffo works on the arm for a bit, but Muraco goes back to beating on him in the corner before missing a charge. Poffo slugs him down and gets a moonsault for two. Obviously Poffo was a bit ahead of his time. He tries a cross body, but Muraco catches him in a powerslam, and dedicates a piledriver to Bobby Heenan at ringside. That’s enough to finish at 7:03. Pretty pedestrian stuff. **

– The Can-Am Connection v. The Islanders. From the unnamed syndicated show, with a rare turn on a weekly TV show. Haku grabs a headlock on Martel as a bizarre pop-in promo from the Islanders only sees Tama laughing in an evil manner. Haku slams Martel, who comes back with a rollup for two. Martel leapfrogs Haku in the corner and gets a crossbody for two. Haku slams out of an armbar, but Martel takes him down with another one and brings in Zenk as Bobby Heenan wanders down to ringside. Zenk rolls up Tama for two while Bobby argues with Martel, but during the argument the Islanders reveal their new membership in the Family and lay out Zenk for the heel turn. Tama slams him on the floor and comes off the apron with a headbutt, and the Can-Ams are counted out at 3:48. Geez, a heel turn and they can only get a cheap countout win? *1/2 This was pretty much a lateral move for Haku & Tama, as they didn’t do anything as a team and it really only served to set up Haku’s singles run in 1989.

– UPDATE! WITH CRAIG DEGEORGE! Some truly hard-hitting journalism this week, as George Steele tours the factory where the WWF ice cream bars are made. How sad is it that I remember this bit?

– Speaking of stuff I wish I didn’t remember, we get more from DeGeorge, this time with graphic footage of Billy Graham’s hip operation. Seriously, why the hell would you want to show that on a program watched by kids? Gross.

– Sam Houston v. Johnny K-9. Houston dodges him to start and we get some stalling. K-9 comes back with a slam, but misses an elbow and we get some line dancing from Houston while K-9 stalls again. Two words: Yee haw. Houston gets a dropkick and takes him down with an armdrag and works the headlock. Houston gets a sloppy crossbody for two and goes back to the headlock again, but K-9 takes him down with a knee and adds a kneelift to take over. He goes to a bearhug, but misses a blind charge and Houston makes the comeback. He slugs K-9 down for two, and finishes with the bulldog at 7:36. Again, Houston shows almost nothing special. **

– Paul Roma & Jim Powers v. The Shadows. This is an odd-looking piece of tape from a Houston house show. The main camera angle is out of focus for some reason. Shadow #1 works a headlock on Powers and hiptosses him, but misses an elbow and brings in Shadow #2. Roma overpowers him, and gets a monkey-flip off a criss-cross. Back to the bigger Shadow, and he throws forearms at Powers, but Roma uses his body to block a corner whip. The Stallions clean house and Powers tries to unmask one of them, but the smaller Shadow stops it. Powers evades a slam attempt and goes for the mask again, but we take a break before we discover his secret identity. I have to wonder if wrestling heels are like supervillains, where someone screws them over and they adopt an evil alter ego to deal with it. In this case, perhaps these guys had something REALLY bad happen to them on Groundhog Day. Anyway, back from the break and Shadow #1 is pounding on Powers in the corner, but the Stallions get him into their corner and go to work on his leg. They switch off behind the ref’s back as Monsoon and Heenan are so bored that they go off on weird tangents and Gorilla reminds Bobby about the amount of money still owing to Andre the Giant for successful slams of John Studd that went unpaid. Roma tries a drop toehold on a Shadow and brings in Powers, but the Shadow gets some token offense in before Powers gets an enzuigiri and makes the somewhat hot tag to Roma. It’s a pier-six brawl and Powers does an abdominal stretch (note to self: Don’t have Powers as my backup in a bar fight) and gets the pin on a Shadow in the chaos at 15:23. About as exciting as four jobbers given 16 minutes can be. *1/2 Now if the Shadows had a six-man partner named Cliff Richard, they’d have something.

– WWF Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Angie Minelli. Who the hell is Angie Minelli? We’re joined in progress, as Moolah slugs her down and chokes her out at various points. Minelli tosses Moolah and tries a catapult back in the ring, but Moolah roughly blocks. Whoops, must have pissed her off. Minelli keeps coming with a monkey flip in the corner and goes to a bodyscissors and you can see Moolah bitching her out about something the whole time, until they botch an escape for Moolah. Moolah ties her head in the ropes to take over again. Minelli comes back with a pair of dropkicks and a slam for two, but another one is reversed for the pin at 5:59. Man, that chick sure did something to get on Moolah’s bad side here. 1/2*

– Ron Bass v. Jesse Cortez. Bass knees him down for two but doesn’t want the pin. Back elbow and kneelift, but Cortez (who is dressed like Nacho Libre) makes a brief comeback before Bass drops a knee on him to end that. Pedigree finishes at 3:00. Just a squash. 1/4*

– Hulk Hogan v. Bob Orton. This is a rare syndicated appearance for Hogan, celebrating Memorial Day by facing that foreign threat: Kansas City. Hogan slugs away to start and whips Orton into the corner for the flip, and another big bump by Orton in the other corner follows. Hogan drops elbows and clotheslines him for two. Corner clothesline and Hogan goes after Mr. Fuji, which allows Orton to attack from behind and get a backbreaker to put Hogan on the floor. We take a break and return with Orton slugging away on the apron, and he comes back in with a forearm from the middle rope. The top rope breaks on the way in, leaving the ropes sagging for the rest of the match. He controls on the mat with a side headlock, and a suplex gets two. Backbreaker gets two. Orton hits the chinlock to set up Hogan’s hope spot, but he puts his head down and Orton lays him out. Orton drops an elbow for two, and a neckbreaker gets two. Legdrop gets two and without the superplex spot, Hogan does the hulk up off that. Legdrop finishes at 8:50. Remember that Hogan formula I posted a few days ago? You can fill in the blanks step-by-step using this match. Well, except for the top rope breaking and throwing Orton off, but that’s hardly something you can anticipate. **1/2

And we’re done for another week. Move along, nothing to see here.