RAW IS JUNK: GRUT’s Live Draft Coverage

Vince opens the show by reading a prepared statement. His family will not be commenting on him, only other people. Costas? Phil Mushnick?

Best theme song on television welcomes us to the action. I love it when Mickie rubs her titties.

The first match is for the first draft pick, Cena vs. Edge. ECW doesn’t even matter in pretend story line world.

Apparently the matches will be decided based on who wins each match. Is that technically a draft?

They trade punches back and forth. Edge has puny tiny arms compared with Cena’s. He also has smaller nipples.

Edge with a chinlock. Cena gritting his teeth. Is it just me or is this match kind of blah thus far? Cena goes for the STFU and fails horribly. Have I mentioned how much I love that Cena has brought jean shorts back? I’m gonna call him Captain Jean Shorts.

Both men now out of the ring. Cena bounces Edge’s head off of things, making it the first time Edge’s head has bounced off something other than Lita’s balls.

Edge wins by count out. Yeah. Okay. This is going to be a great night.

Should I star rate matches? Nah. Edge vs. Cena was NOT VERY GOOD.

Smackdown selects The Great Khali. The Great Khali went from Smackdown to ECW to Raw and now in a shocking twist back to Smackdown, but in two months he’ll be back to ECW. For those of you familiar with the Daily Show’s God Machine, it is doing all the picks tonight.

Wow. They’re really doing the Vince McMahon DVD treatment tonight. I don’t want to watch this. He wants to f*ck his daughter.

They show Bret and Vince for the billionth time. It somehow feels fresh again.

Jess Ventura looking like Skinner does a tribute to Vince McMahon. He says McMahon hasn’t earned the title Mister. He questions the entire tribute concept. He calls McMahon a dictator. Jesse says he has met with the dictator of the world. Who is he talking about? Castro> Kim Jong Il? Kim Jong Il but spelled correctly? Hmm. Maybe Widro.

Coach announces some REALLY confusing rules for the main event at Vengeance, but it’s a night of champions. Apparently any former champions still on the Raw roster at the end of the night get to go to a dance off or something.

Jackass is coming to the WWE. I say why the hell not? Widro buys all the PPV’s anyway.

Carlito vs. CM Punk. Gotta go with CM Punk here because it makes sense storyline wise, which is the only reason to ever predict someone in a wrestling match.

Raw has an energy drink. It tastes like steroids and jean shorts.

CM Punk with knees. Joey and Tazz on commentary. Carlito with shoulder blows. Punk gets caught with a dropkick to the gut while coming off the top rope. Carlito is now probably going to beat on him for a bit so I can relax.

Yep, Carlito’s beating on him.

Ah, Punk reverses leg scissors to a Boston Crab, but Carlito makes the ropes. Punk with the springboard clothesline he famously f*cked up the other night. That was so f*cking funny.

Carlito with the backstabber but CM Punk rolls out of the ring. CM Punk kicks out of the pin attempt, GTS and that’s 3.

CM Punk wins! ECW picks Boogeyman. Awesome? I mean, yay? CM Punk looks happy to see him. Dude you used to have hour long matches with Samoa Joe.

This match was BETTER THAN THE FIRST MATCH BUT NOTHING TO SING ABOUT.

Snoop Dog reads a written statement insulting Vince McMahon. Very classy stuff from the man who’ll appear on any show for the right amount of money. The guy did Weeds. Wait, that was a natural fit. The L Word, however, was not.

More Vince stuff. Hey, Zach Gowen! How’s he doing? He still have only one leg? It’d be cool if it could grow back.

Here comes Mick Foley again. He wants a title match? I guess he does. I see no reason why Whiny McFoley shouldn’t have one. “Waah! No one wanted to push my inconsequential tag team match at an ECW pay-per-view! What good is all this money without any attention?” And with that you just read his last book. Mick is now insulting Vince. He asks if Vince has any real friends and my cable freezes up. I assume the answer is no. Ah, cable is back. Mick does not like Vince. AWESOME! Mick Foley finishes the segment by jumping off the stage through six burning tables and landing on a spike. THAT’S wrestling.

is already in the ring. He is not winning. And he is vs. Umaga. Even Joey Styles is saying this is a lost cause. Umaga killed him in five seconds.

THIS MATCH SUCKED.

Umaga wins! RAW gets King Booker? But Umaga beat Balls. Shouldn’t Raw get someone from ECW? Still, I like the possibility of a King Booker/Cena feud. Hell, I like anything with King Booker.

Benoit vs. Lashley is next! If anyone can get a good match out of this roided up no talent, it’s Lashley.

But first Steve-O needs to thank Vince McMahon, but Steve-O can’t cut a promo.

Here comes Lashley. I think I’d buy him as legit if he wore jean shorts.

Stare down to start. Hmm. They’re going for a legit wrestling thingy here. Imagine UFC but not as good because you know it’s all fake.

Why is it I liked this when Orton and Benoit did it and now I could give a crap? Life is funny that way.

Benoit finally with some f*cking professional wrestling chops. Crowd does not like Lashley more than Benoit. Benoit with more chops and kicks, snap suplex, more chops, Lashley with a cool power lift into a torture rack into a back breaker into a DDT into a side suplex into a hurricarana. Benoit gets the cross face, but he didn’t hear that Lashley is an unstoppable monster who can kill people easily. Lashley breaks out, some cool power sequences and reversals. Benoit with triple Germans, boot to the face by Benoit, Sharpshooter by Benoit… screw this. We know Lashley is going to win. And he just did.

Don’t get me wrong, PRETTY GOOD MATCH. Thank God Benoit doesn’t have to carry that load any more though.

Lashley wins. ECW picks CHRIS BENOIT? Shit. Welcome to the remainder of your career Mr. Benoit. Carrying Bobby Lashley.

Trump is doing a promo for Vince. Luckily it ends quickly.

We see Vince suspend Giggly Fakeplasticboobs. Giggly then thanks Vince and insults Vince. She has the perfect little pause when she reaches the end of the cue card. I think that’s more her fault than the cue card guy. I’m a little shocked that her delivery wasn’t the worst performance in the history of television. Showing signs of improvement Giggly.

Old women (you know who) come out and bark like dogs. I think they’ll out live me. They stay with it for a good minute.

SANTINO VS. MVP IS NEXT HOLY SHIT! REALLY? ON FREE TV? GET OUT OF HERE!

OhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygod! OH MY GOD! SANTINO VS. MVP!

But first Snuka and Iron Sheik deliver appreciation to Vince McMahon. Superfly looks very close to dead. Iron Sheik shoots all over the Ultimate Warrior for some reason.

1 2 YOU HEAR THE CLOCK TICKING? I love MVP! I love Santino! OH GOD! I’m orgasming! The match hasn’t happened yet and I’ve already made a mess of my pants. I’ll try to upload pictures later.

THE BELL JUST RANG! HERE WE GO! Feeling out process to start. One second, the phone is ringing. Oh, it’s my ex-girlfriend. She’s wondering what I’m doing. I tell her I’m typing this report. She asks me why I’m still watching wrestling. I tell her about the awesomeness of Santino and MVP. She thinks I’m gay for liking this stuff. I think she’s gay for liking ballet. She says she’s a girl, she’s supposed to like ballet. I don’t respond. She asks me if I could please send back her jewelry. I can’t tell her I already sold it. I tell her I bought it, I’m keeping it. She correctly tells me her father bought it for her. I dispute that claim. She calls me a liar. I call her a whore. I accuse her of f*cking my brother. She accuses me of making that up and also masturbating in her mother’s bathroom. How did she find out? Bitch. I hang up.

Back to the match. NO! I MISSED THE WHOLE THING! MVP wins. Smackdown gets Torrie Wilson. WATTA COUP!

They advertise Bret as up next. Somehow I doubt that.

HOLY SHIT! It’s Bret Hart actually commenting on Vince McMahon appreciation night. He’s not especially positive.

Miz is fighting Snitsky. Styles is pretty funny. Six months ago this would be a close match, but now Snitsky is a monster. Just keep on roiding Snits, we’ve seen what happens when you go off it.

Snitsky is destroying Miz. Whoops, that’s it.

Snitsky DESTROYS Miz. Wait, they’re doing the post match disqualification angle. MIZ CRUSHES SNITSKY! Smackdown gets Chris Masters. But who will feud with Santino?

Oh God. Bobby Heanen is on tv. He makes a halfway funny chafing joke. He looks… Bobby Heanen is one of the greatest of all time. You kick ass Brain.

“Hungry” Roddy Piper is headed out to talk about Vince. Both of him are there. “Who better to appreciate Vince McMahon than Rowdy Roddy Piper?” KANYON! Roddy Piper introduces a clip show of Vince’s most embarrassing moments. Having his son’s face shoved into ass would probably be the worst moment in any father’s life, but I remind you he wants to have sex with his daughter. Fat Rod didn’t do very much work tonight.

Candice vs. Krystal is up next. The winner should totally get the other brand’s world champion.

Is that incest? Willingly rubbing your face in your dad’s ass? It’s a fine line. Mark Cuban with some really nice comments for Vince. Next Wednesday we get the jobber draft. YAY! Val Venis for ECW curtain jerking squad.

And we’re off! Back and forth to start. I didn’t think that Krystal could wrestle. Oh, she can’t.

Easy win for Candice. RAW gets BOBBY LASHLEY! Well, good news for Chris Benoit. He now gets to feud with The Boogeyman instead of Bobby Lashley. Hmm. Hm. No, that’s not a step up.

Coach strips Bobby Lashley of the title. Bobby takes the mike, never a good idea. And he makes a pretty wimpy statement after handing Coach the title.

COSTAS! I f*cking called it! Say steroids! Say steroids! He’s not going to say steroids.

Snoop Dog is a member of Raw fan nation. He loves watching white men in tiny pants fake fight. GAY!

John Cena really wants to win a celebrity race car show, and I say why the hell not? Believe in yourself Cena and you can win any kind of stupid reality show you want.

Jeff Hardy vs. Elijah Burke vs. Batista. You can do it Jeff! If you work with Elijah to take out Batista you can win it for Raw! Batista has his paws on Jeff and…

OUCH!

OOF!

NO! NO! OH NO!

Jeff recovered! Jeff is hitting some offensive moves! SWANTON ON BATISTA! ELIJAH NEEDED TO BREAK UP THE PIN! Holy crap! Either they’re really pushing Jeff or really depushing Batista. Batista’s bumping all over for everyone tonight.

Hardy misses swanton on Burke. Ah, there’s Bastista to kill everyone. Good match.

Batista wins. Smackdown picks Ric Flair. JBL calls him the Tiger Woods of wrestling. More like the Jack Nicklaus.

Captain Lou looks better than any of the other old timers. He repeats his 30 year old catchphrases as if trying to put himself over. Over who?

They recap the picks. JBL is unusually cheery for a guy who had his show pretty much gutted tonight.

Dusty is out to talk about Vince I assume. Yep, Dusty is boring me. Stupid Dusty. Hey, Dusty, wrap it the f*ck up. The guy wants to f*ck his daughter. He’s scum. Dusty says we need to respect Vince. I respect lots of guys who want to f*ck their kid.

Battle Royal time. I’m going to pick Stevie Richards.

Mean Gene does a pretty good rip on McMahon. Pretty f*cking harsh.

Shit. Richards isn’t even in it.

In a spot I LOVE, Randy Orton and William Regal just start trading European Uppercuts as soon as the bell rings. Awesome.

Eugene gets dumped. Sandman thrown out. Regal dumped. Mark Henry eliminates his own teammate. Dreamer dumped. Whoops. Eugene is still in it. Who got eliminated first? I don’t care. Marcus Corvon only guy left for ECW. I turn my head for a second and everyone is playing dead while the fat black guys fight. Viscera dumped by Henry. COMMERCIALS!

And we’re back! This battle royal is confusing me. It looks like a team event but no one is working as a team. Corvon is out. Only one Raw star left vs. three Smackdown stars but no one is working together. This is dumb.

Orton versus Matt Hardy now. Hardy with a side effect to bide time before he’s eliminated. They’re having a nice little match but he’s about to be eliminated. There he goes.

Orton wins. RAW gets Snitsky and Mr. Kennedy. Well that kills any chance of a feud with Edge. Draft is done, I’m not covering any of the Austin/McMahon crap. I’m done. Austin and McMahon have an in ring confrontation ending with McMahon getting stunned I assume.

Boy was I wrong. Vince got into a Limo and it exploded. It you watch carefully, and by carefully I mean if you just watch it normally, you can see Vince make a really obvious “I’ve been faking this the whole time” face before he gets into the car. The whole thing is dumb.

Tags: ,