Monday Night Rabble

THE DRAFT

ALL THE WRESTLERS ENTER

SOME OF THEM LEAVE FOR ELSEWHERE

SOME REMAIN…

I’M DRINKING AMBER BOCK

IT’S ON DRAFT…

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

Welcome to The Rabble. The commentary on wrestling made by a bunch of schmucks in New Jersey. We talk about the show here, as well as a contingent of folks here at the Inside Pulse forums, the Insyderz. (We add stupid letters to be extreme.)

Anyway, here’s who we got this week:
JEFFREY – He’s pouring my draft at the BAR
BILL – He’s being drafted to TNA
MIKE – He’s being drafted to ROH
ERIC – He’s being drafted to BK
HERNANDEZ – He’s being drafted by the Guatamalan Army
DANI – She’s being drafted into a SEXY PARTY
..and me, your host, James Hatton, drafting a new comic at The Insyderz.

There’s also rumors that Bret is coming out tonight.. we’ll see about that. I doubt all Bret rumors. All of them.

We start with Vince reading a statement.. slowly.. poor insane Vince. It seems he’s having a problem keeping a straight face as he explains that losing the ECW has had a negative effect on his psyche. So tonight, wrestlers from the past will come out and discussing how they feel about Vince McMahon.

He stares at the camera in a deadpan.. and cue the music.
“Another crappy payperview tonight… 3 hours..” – Mike
“At least this one is free.” – Bill

JBL and Cole, Tazz and Styles are in the house.

Announcing the first person to come down to discuss the draft, representing Raw – John Cena.
“Everyone will get full entrances tonight.. the last fifteen minutes. The draft.” – Me

Here comes Edge! Umm.. is this a match?
“HE’S GOT PYRO NOW!?” – Mike
“It’s awesome…” – Me
“Christian’s was better..” – Mike
“Edge, looking as sadistic as ev- HOLY SHIT LOOK AT DAT PYRO!” – Insyder The Hypnotoad

JR babbles on for a bit.
“Call it a slobberknocker and shut up.” – Mike

Whomever wins this match – that side gets a draft pick.
“So ECW gets nobody..” – Mike
“Third pick.. each time.” – Bill

JOHN CENA vs. EDGE
Let’s watch Edge lose again..

So Cena throws Edge to the corners, hits a big suplex, and there are a LOT of boos for Cena. Pin for one from John. Slams Edge into the corner. A backelbow. Another counter corner toss and Edge moves out of the way and hits Cena in the back of the head.
“Donkey punch!” – Me

Edge now punching the hell out of Cena. Edge goes for a pin for two. Cena gets up and starts hitting again. Throws Edge to the ropes and Cena eats a kick to the gut. Baseball slide sends Cena out.
“Commercial?” – Me

No! Cena climbs to the apron and Cena leaps in for the sunset flip for two. Back to their feet, Cena eats a big clothesline and rolls to the corner. Edge chokes the hell out of Cena in the corner. They fight it out in the center, and Edge hits a heelkick out of nowhere!
“He hasn’t done that in years!” – Mike

He argues with the ref for a moment, and he turns around to get tossed up into the FU… fights out of it and rolls up Cena for two. Kick from Edge drops Cena and he’s checking his mouth.
“Oh noes! The Protype haz been hurted!” – Insyder kromadas
“How awesome would it be if he got a lisp?” – Mike
“You than’t thee mee..” – Bill
“He could tag up with Matherth..” – Me
“Managed by Dusty Rhodes.” – Bill

Headlock from Edge, and Cena tries to lock in the STFU… if you watch, Cena is nursing his mouth. Cena hits the ropes, grabs the head and the flipping facedriver he does… it’s kind of a bulldog.. kind of a facedrop…

Anyway – Edge gets up, runs after Cena.. Cena ducks.. hits the shouldercheck or two. The blue thunder. Goes for the YOU CAN’T SEE… Edge gets up, charges, CENA MOVES! Edge is out of the ring. Cena follows suit. Right into the ECW table.
“There goes the ECW table already..” – Me

Cena sets up the FU… climbs up the steps. Edge gets behind Cena.. PUSHES HIM OUT! Edge rolls on in and the count gets to 10 before Cena gets in… nice.
“It’s like us when we are playing the video game.” – Bill

WINNER: EDGE

We then go to the:

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
“Holy crap is the random pick noise not the scariest f*cking sound you’ve ever heard in your life?” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

THE GREAT KHALI TO SMACKDOWN


“They should rename WWE to “Follow the Bouncing Khali.” He’ll be back on ECW within 3 months.” – Insyder DarkStar
“They’re still trying to figure out which show he sucks more on.” – Insyder THe Hypnotoad

Edge looks upset. Cena is giggling.
“GRAAAAAAAAAAR” – Me
“Lemme holla atcha playa…
HAAAALLLAAAAAAA
Lemme Holla…
HAAALLLLAAAAAA” – Bill

Coming up next. Jesse Ventura? Guess so.

COMMERCIAL ONE – 8:13

We come back to a video package about Vince McMahon.
“We saw all this last night.” – Me
(Mike and I watched Wrestling Families last night.)

They show bits where Bret goes after Vince.
“They keep showing Bret.. I’m jus sayin..” – Me

BRET APPEARANCE NUMBER 1

Jesse Ventura comes on and calls him ‘Mister’. He explains that Vince hasn’t earned the term Mister. Ventura refers to him as a dictator. The WWE is a dictatorship. Dictator’s fall.
“Anyone think he resembles Ted Nugent?” – Insyder The Hypnotoad

At Vengence, all championships will be on the line, and all former champions will have a shot at the Raw title. Interesting.

Next: Carlito vs. Punk
“Why not just give Carlito Shelton or Flair?” – Hernandez
“Too interesting.” – Me
“Carlito to win with a tequilla bottle to the head, with Punk screaming “Ahh I’m straight edge and I’m MELTING! MELTING!”” – Insyder JP

COMMERCIAL TWO – 8:22

We get a flash to the heel turn of Cade & Murdoch last week.

Now though…

CARLITO vs. CM PUNK
ECW might get one!

Lock-up to start and Carlito pushes Punk to the corner. The ref breaks it up and there is a slap from Carlito, and a high kick from Punk.
“The most casual kick in the head I’ve ever seen.” – Bill

Punk throws Carlito the corner, goes for a kneelift and is caught… shoulder blocks from Carlito. Ref blocks it up – and Punk gets another hot snap kick on Carlito. He heads up to the top and Carlito hits a PERFECT dropkick on Punk.

Carlito hits another dropkick on Punk and a pin for two.

Carlito now with knees to Punk’s gut. Suplex from Carlito. Pin for two. Body scissors now from Carlito. Breaks it to use some kidney punches, then right back into the body scissors. Punk slowly fights to his feet.
“That’s what he does to Maria.” – Mike

Punk rolls it into a boston crab, and Carlito gets to the ropes. Punk charges Carlito, and gets tossed to the apron. Hits a springboard clothesline for two. These guys are great together.

Snapkick to Carlito’s head. Throws Carlito to the corner and a standing kneelift into the bulldog, but Punk gets pushed out of it and dropped into the backcracker.

Punk rolls out.
“Punk’s winning.” – Mike

Carlito now rolls him in, pin for a closeeeee two. He goes for another backcracker… DENIED… PUNK HITS THE ‘GO TO SLEEP’ and THAT – IS – THAT!

Punk celebrates with Lil Natch. Great match.

WINNER: CM PUNK

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
ECW GETS THE BOOGEYMAN

“..yay?” – Mike
“Can we back to the board please?” – Me
“There’s the whammy..” – Mike
“HAHAHA ECW is still a joke.” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
“Worst draft ever.” – Insyder kromadas

Boogey comes out.. vomits some worms..
“Pops a quad..” – Hernandez

So we now go to Snoop Dogg talking about Vince McMahon. Congratulates him for Wrestlemania. Congratulates him for bringing up Cena. Stone Cold. Then giggles about how Vince had his head shoved up Big Show’s ass.
“I speak jive!” – Mike

COMMERCIAL THREE – 8:35

A little videopackage about the concerns of McMahon. Firing Paul. Firing Mick. Divorcing Linda. Asses getting kissed. Marty Jannety. Screwing Austin. Screwing Bret.

BRET APPEARANCE NUMBER 2

Here comes Mick!
“Yayyy!” – Dani
“Buy my book! Buy my book!” – Mike

The crowd erupts into some ‘Foley’. He looks like he lost some weight. Coach mentions an open WWE championship match. He’s a former WWE champion. A 3 time former WWE champion. So provided he survives the draw. He is announcing he is going to be a part of the Vengence match.
“Off to ECW he goes.” – Mike

“And wasn’t Foley…er…fired again?” – Insyder bluelobster
“Foley can only be fired for six months. Then he’s rehired even if Vince doesn’t want him back. It’s the circle of life.” – Insyder kromadas
“Foley sells a firing like HHH sells Funaki’s offense.” – Insyder A Faceless Name

Mick now wishes to talk about a man who thrives on Vengence… Mister McMahon. He’s changed all of our lives. He’s occasionally given a little to charity. He’s a superpatriot. He has money and power. Deep down Vince is also arrogant, masochistic, and an egomaniac.

Mick asks if Vince has any real friends. The crowd says no.
“Oh, shut up.. you don’t know.” – Bill (to the audience)
“I’d be his friend.” – Dani

Mick now pulls out a list of people who were asked to appear on Vince Appreciation Night:
Hulk Hogan
Triple H
Eric Bischoff
The Rock
NBC Chairman – Dick Ebersol
“Who?” – Everyone
Shawn Michaels
Trish Stratus
Ted Turner –
“oooooooo” – Everyone

They all declined. They said Vince was not worth their time. They didn’t care about Vince. Should any of the fans?
“No..” – The audience
“Did he say Stone Cold?” – Mike
“Nope. Nor did he say Bret Hart. The plot thickens.” – Me

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 8:46

Balls in the ring when we get here…

BALLS MAHONEY vs. UMAGA
Stacking the deck.

Balls charges. Kick to the gut. Kick to the chin.
“And that’s the match.” – Me

Balls gets up. Eats the thumb.
“I think Balls is gonna win..” – Jeffrey
“So Balls is the new jobsquad?” – Eric

WINNER: UMAGA

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY!
STOP!
RAW GETS KING BOOKER!!!!

“Yay!” – Mike
“Nice” – Me

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 8:53

Steve-O.. I’m not listening.

Who is coming next… Bobby Lashley!
“I’m loving that we are having all matches..” – Me
“We’ve had more in this hour than most Raw’s.” – Eric

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Interesting

“I’m predicting possible match of the night.” – Me

Lashley goes in and charges Benoit down. All amateur style going… picks up Benoit and SPINEBUSTS him down back into the amateur reversals. Great starter.

“Lashley finally got that monkey off his back…” – Tazz
“Ummmm…” – Me
“He means Vince, it’s ok.” – Hernandez

Back to amateur locks. Benoit finally scissors Lashley and headlocks. Lashley tries to fight out of it. They get to their feet.

Lashley hits another spinebuster for two. Benoit rocks it into an armlock. Lashley rolls out of it to their feet. Lock-up, and Benoit now attacks with the chops. Kneelift. Lashley reverses and kicks to Benoit’s gut with big clubs to his back. Slams Benoit fast for two.

Front face from Lashley. They chop back and forth a bit. Benoit on top. Snap suplex for two. Lashley now gets a blow and throws Benoit to the corner. He eats it face first. Lashley brings him up for the torture rack. Benoit punches him down in the head and goes to one knee to lock the arm for the set-up for the crossface.

Lashley cold lifts him. Drops him hard for two!

Big chops! To the corner. Benoit pulls out and HITS THE CROSSFACE! NICE! Grabs the rope… awwww…

Lashley now goes for the verticle suplex, but Benoit weighs it out. Goes for the sharpshooter. Pushed out…. Lashley picks him up fora crucifix bomb? NO BENOIT IS OUT! TRIPLE GERMANS!
“And hershey squirts…” – Hernandez

Pin for two and Lashley pushes Benoit into the corner, charges and eats boots. Drops Lashley again, locks in the sharpshooter…….. GETS IT! HITS IT!

BRET APPEARANCE NUMBER 3

Lashley pushes up and out of it.
“Using a cock push-up.” – Me

Benoit charges in, but Lashley grabs and hits the Lashley Powerslam whatever thingy… and a great match ends with a silly finish.

WINNER: LASHLEY
“One of these days, Benoit is just going to say “Fuck it” and break someone’s neck.” – Insyder JP
“I just keep waiting for Benoit to eat some one, you know he can do it, and would.” – Insyder A Faceless Name

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
BENOIT GOING TO ECW!

“What a great set-up.” – Me
“Now all they need is Eddie and Malenko and they are set…” – Hernandez
“Oooooooo….” – Mike
“Yeah, you are right.. it might be hard getting Dean.” – Hernandez

“Smackdown is dead. Again.” – Insyder bluelobster

Donald now talks to Vince… I don’t listen.

COMMERCIAL SIX – 9:12

Now, via satellite. Ashley, who was suspended last week. She winges.
“I love her guardrail piercings.” – Me
“So does Matt.” – Eric

They show the ‘Bark like a dog video!’

And now… Mae & Bertha are at the top of the key… barking like dogs. We don’t know why. We weren’t listening. There are people arguing at the bar. A guy and a girl. Seriously. We were worried they were going to throw punches.

I wish I could have transcribed it.. but it wasn’t intelligible.

The Insyders on the onscreen “action”.
“$100 if the hand pops out of Mae Young to shake Vince’s hand!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 9:19

Up Next – Iron Sheik & Snuka
“You will be humbled!” – Hernandez
“Vince needs to be humbled!” – Mike

So they are standing together. Snuka in his Hawaiian garb. Sheik in his suit garb.
“They had to pretape this.” – Dani
“It needs subtitles!” – Me
“The outtakes should be genius.” – Dani

“Hey Vince, thanks for covering my ass after killing that chick.” – Insyder Hardygrrl as Snukah
“So we need Umaga, Khali, Snuka, and Sheik in a stable I think.” – Insyder CdnCrippler
“Team Get a Towel!” – Insyder kromoadas

MVP gets his own golden arches entrance. Badass really.

MVP vs. SANTINO
Santino’s music makes me want Christian back.
“”Hey man, what’s your back tat of?”
It’s the Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia!!!!!!” – Inysder CaptainSpaulding

They fight for the lock-up. Santino goes low, but MVP grabs and flipslam. Back to their feet.

Some beautiful armtosses to MVP, including one with a split. MVP backs up to the corner, Santino eats a charging blow though for two. Beats him down and goes for two. Side headlock from MVP. Santino fights out of it.

Snapkick to MVP’s back.
“KUMATEEEEE!” – Me

Snapmare from MVP. Kick of his own for two. Back on their feet stomps on Santino, and a sitting chinlock. Santino fights up and flips MVP over. Gets to the corner and throws a driving shoulder through MVP. Now headslams MVP down and hits another flying crossboy.

Pin for two.
“He’s pretty good when he’s not with Masters.” – Mike

Santino hits a urinagi for two. MVP back to the feet, throws Santino to the ropes.. picks him up and Santino tries to fight out of it. Dropped.. Owwie.

Both on their feet now. Santino hits a few hard punches. Spinning punch drops MVP. Back on their feet there is a double reversal with Santino ending in the corner. Charging boot hits square. MVP hits the playmaker.. whatever that is.. and we’re done.

WINNER: MVP

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
SMACKDOWN RECIEVES TORRIE WILSON

“Yay! It’s because they are firing Ashley.” – Mike
“Wow. Who cares.” – Dani
“So the dog is still on Raw.” – Mike
“MVP watches on.. ‘I’ll eat a piece of that’.” – Me
“MVP wrestles the match of his night.. and he brings them.. Torrie Wilson.” – Hernandez

“Oh f*ck me? Torrie? Yeah So Teddy Long is bent over a coffee table getting reemed in the ass.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“By Vickie Guerrero.” – Insyder JP

“Who is she, the new Sensational Sherri?” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Give her a quart of cocaine and you can make her the new Miss Elizabeth.” – Insyder JP
“No have her lay down, tell her not to breathe, and have someone dress up as Lex Luger and deny everything and THEN she’s the next Miss Elizabeth.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

Coming up next… Bret Hart?!?!

BRET APPEARANCE NUMBER 4

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 9:33

A video of Bret.. talking about Vince. He isn’t sure he can find the right words for Vince McMahon. Maybe this.. and shows his fist. A bunch of fists.
“That’s all I got to say about that asshole.” – Bret

BRET APPEARANCE!!!!!!

“Aww, it’s nice to see that Bret has gotten over it.” – Insyder CdnCrippler

Now here comes the Miz.
“Yay, Smackdown is losing someone else.” – Mike

MIZ vs. SNITSKY
“yep.. Miz is losing” – Hernandez

“I still think Snitsky looks like the bald twin from Super Punch-Out” – Me

He throws Miz to the corner. Miz tries to leap. He’s caught. Charges Miz into the very same corner. Tree of..
“uh oh!” – Hernandez
“Awwwwwwwww” – Me
“Ow” – Dani

Kicked down hard. Slammed for two.
“They are cheering Snitsky, not because it’s his hometown. Because they want Miz to lose.” – Mike

Short arm clothesline. Big Boot. The end.

WINNER: SNITSKY

Miz is getting up and Snitsky comes back in to kick him again. Corner clothesline.

Ref reverses the call!?!?!?
“Why!?” – Me

WINNER.. STUPIDLY: THE MIZ

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
SMACKDOWN GAINS: CHRISTH MASTERS

“Best call of the night!” – Me
“Better than Khali?” – Eric
“Totally better than Khali!” – Me
“NOO!!!!” – Bill
“Start watching Smackdown.” – Eric
“This is a bad day for the Rabble!” – Me
“Why!?” – Hernandez
“We lose the Masters lisp..” – Me
“AND THE GRAWWRRR” – Dani
“POWDERED TOAST MAN!” – Insyder Kerry B

NEXT: BOBBY HEENAN

Bobby talks. We listen. Vince not only put more people in this industry than anyone else. He also fired more people in this industry than anyone else. Bobby then makes fun of his walk. Bobby’s awesome.
“I think thats the first time someone named Bobby has gotten a decent pop in a long time.” – Insyder JP

Coming out next. Piper!
“HE’S HERE!” – Me
“He’s.. umm.. there.” – Hernandez
“IT IS!” – Eric

COMMERCIAL NINE – 9:45

IT’S MOTHERFUCKING TIME FOR RODDY PIPER!
“”Oooh, black and white on Piper! He pulled out the formal kilt!”” – Insyder Hardygrrl
“He probably just painted himself black again.” – Insyder JP

Yes. That deserved boldface.
“He looks better.. like he pushed Kloakus through his bowls.” – Hernandez

The crowd is deafening. Who better to discuss McMahon than Piper.
“Kanyon?” – Hernandez

It’s time to share a few of Vince’s proudest moments.
“Bam Bam could not be reached for comment.” – Hernandez

We get a montage of Vince ‘loves cock’ bits.
Shane kissing his ass.
Vince covered in shit.
Austin giving Vince the ‘Bang 3:16’.
The beer truck.
Shane buying WCW.
Stunner x10.
Donald shaving him.

‘On behalf of the WWE audience around the world. We appreciate Vince McMahon for what you really are. Congratulations Vinnie.’
“Can’t someone just say something nice.” – Lawler

I miss Piper….

Next.. Krystal vs. Candice
“Who is that?” – Dani
“Candice.” – Me
“The other one.” – Dani
“Back to the middle and around again.. 100 percent.. pure love.” – Me
“Le Bouche?” – Hernandez
“I thought that was Crystal Waters?” – Me

COMMERCIAL TEN – 9:53

Discussing Vince… the guy who owns the Dallas Mavericks. Umm… why? Wait… umm.. Who? We get an XFL shot though.

Here comes Candice.
“She looked better as a homie.” – Mike

And now, Krystal. She’s shiny.

CANDICE vs. KRYSTAL
Breasts.

Krystal starts with a kick in the gut. Kicks to Candice’s leg.
“Krystal needs a sammich.” – Dani

Holding up Candice’s leg. Mike calls it. Candice hits the enzuigiri. Kneelift. Hairpull backbreaker. The Go Daddy elbow. Krystal blocks a punch from Candice now.. charges into a boot. Top turnbuckle, Candice now hits the handstand on the outside apron.
“The crowd is currently in the bathroom.” – Me

Spinning heel from Candice for the pin.
“Shades of Viscera.” – Hernandez
“Everything near Viscera is in the shade..” – Me
“Point for you.” – Mike

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
BOBBY LASHLEY GOES TO RAW?!?!

“Way to destroy that Benoit thing?!” – Hernandez
“Wasn’t he on Raw to begin with!?” – Dani
“So they don’t have to pay him twice anymore.” – Eric
“Or Cena goes to ECW…” – Me
“I WOULD LOVE RAW!” – Mike
“Maybe now he will show up in an ECW main event now and then.” – Insyder A Faceless Name

Bobby comes on out to celebrate. Coach comes on out though… uh oh!
“You see.. we’re both black.” – Eric

Coach of course, strips Bobby of the ECW title.
“I DON’T WANNA LEAVE!” – Me
“Here’s the title.. bye!” – Hernandez

Coach wants the belt.
“THROW IT IN THE CROWD” – Mike
“Rhyno catches it – ‘Now I got two!'” – Hernandez
“OH GOD HE MAS A MICROPHONE WONT SOME ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” – Insyder A Faceless Name

He gives the belt, takes the mic.
“Even trade.” – Hernandez

He claims that he will be champion again.

So we’ll see Lashley versus Mick at Vengence? Interesting.

Bob Costas on Vince..
“You’re excited… FEEL THESE NIPPLES!” – Hernandez

..Bob feels slighted that Mean Gene was given a mic job instead of Bob Costas. Cute. He then references his interview with Costas…

COMMERCIAL ELEVEN – 10:04

Triple Threat time! Neat!
“When was the last time we saw a triple threat match?” – Mike
“Lashley?” – Me
“A good one.” – Mike
“Cena last wee—” – Me
“A good one.” – Mike

Here comes Jeff Hardy.
Next is Elijah Burke.
“I hope Matt Hardy is the guy from Smackdown.” – Mike
And… Dave?!??
“This doesn’t seem ultimately fair..” – Me
“We get the machine gun action!” – Mike

JEFF HARDY vs. ELIJAH BURKE vs. DAVE BATISTA
“Umm.. so who is going to Smackdown?” – Mike
“Lashley?” – Me

As a note – those who are familiar with my darling fiancee’ Danielle, you might recognize that she tends to mark out for Dave. Especially when he is wearing a suit. Due to the recent allegations of Dave involved in being fairly aggressive towards women, including but not excluded to Ariel, she has ceased loving Dave as deeply as she did. I apologize any harm this causes Rabblefans. Thank you.

Burke rolls to the outside, as does Jeff. Jeff of course goes after Burke and throws him back into Dave. Powerslam for two as Jeff breaks it up.

Dave charges him into the corner. Three point stance, and a short arm clothesline. Dave bomb set-up. Jeff though beats him out and does the flying headscissors. Jeff then hits crossbody. Tries to pull Dave. Dummy. Dave tosses him to the corner – ducks under Dave and hits the whisper in the wind. Hits the swanton! NO SHIT…

Oh. Elijah broke it up. Elijah runs in for the pin but gets two. Gets it twice. Jeff comes in and hits the Elijah-Drop. Dave is getting up and Elijah and hits a dropkick sending Dave out.

Jeff hits a crossbody on Elijah. Hits another dropkick on Dave. PLANCHA ONTO DAVE! Corner dropkick to Elijah.. and Jeff goes to the top now… SWANTON DENIED!

He turns into Dave, eats a spinebuster. Elijah runs in. Eats a spinebuster. Powerbomb on Elijah. The end.

WINNER: DAVE BATISTA
“So.. who is going to Smackdown?” – Mike
“Randy Orton.” – Hernandez

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
RIC FLAIR GOES TO SMACKDOWN!

“Yay, no more Flair/Carlito matches…” – Mike
“Now Bill has no reason to watch Raw.” – Me

Dave seems happy.. hear that continuity. Nice.
“Ric can wear a suit.” – Dani

Capt. Lou! ‘He has the brain of a dehydrated beebee.’ Lou calls him a punk. I’m Captain Lou and I’m talking to you.
“Look.. it’sa meee… MARIO!” – Mike
From the ‘Great Minds Think Alike’ Department, CaptainSpaulding & Faceless Name said that exact same joke

COMMERCIAL TWELVE – 10:18

He’s the Ammmerrrrrrican Dreaaaaaaaam..
“Cowbell!” – Hernandez

DUTHTY RHODTH… ‘Less talk ’bout Vince McMahon. One of his fav-o-rite sayinss is ‘perspective is reality’.. let’s talk about perspective… now Vince said ‘I had a dream’..
“Cue the sniper.” – Hernandez

Duthty goeth on about Vince putting people out work…
“They need Ultimate Warrior to speak.” – Simon

Duthty keeps going…
“Dusty.. this is why we taped the Sheik.” – Hernandez
“I didn’t understand a single word he just said…I just know he’s awesome.” – Insyder DarkStar

The crowd is dead. Nobody understood him.
“Do you realize, WWE could do their own Cannonball Run.. it would be awesome.” – Hernandez

Next – a Battle Royal to decide the last two draft picks.

COMMERCIAL THIRTEEN – 10:27

Mean Gene! He references TNT.. the talk show! Cancelled. The great promoters… down the sewer. After ten years of work… he fired Gene. What did Gene do.. went to WCW.
“Vince. You’re the best.”

Ok – battleroyal time.

SMACKDOWN: Matt Hardy, Mark Henry, William Regal, Chavo, Chris Masters

ECW: KEVIN THRONE, COR VAN, SANDMAN, TOMMY DREAMER, MATT STYKER
“Annnd the ugly onne!” – Hernandez

RAW: NITRO, KENNY DYKSTRA, VISCERA, EUGENE, RANDY ORTON
“Worst team ever….” – Dani
“Viscera’s got the greatest wrestling gear.” – Mike
(He’s wearing his Raw shirt as a mexican serape)
“Raw’s team name: Nitro Dyke Retarded Shitbag Lover” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

Dani marks for Eugene’s costume.
“Oh, paint Eugene up in gold, and have TardDust!” – Insyder Faceless Name

It starts. Now as many of you know. It’s hard to write a review of what’s going on in a battle royale. We’ll do our best.
“I wanna see Thorne coming out as the MVP of this…” – Me
“He’s gort a better shot of becoming a vampire.” – Mike

Matt Hardy tosses Stryker.. Stryker takes a bad landing to avoid the steps. Out goes Sandman via Mark Henry! Viscera tosses out Regal. Mark Henry press slams Chavo out…

Now Kevin Thorne goes after Mark. Viscera throws out Tommy Dreamer. Mark and Thorne still working on each other. Viscera and Mark sitting corner to corner just eating people alive.

Finally Mark tosses out Thorne… lame.
“Toldja” – Mike

Randy actually PICKS UP HENRY…. then eats a headbutt… finally Viscera and Mark see each other. Belly to belly. They both hit the ropes.
“Ring breaks.” – Mike

Mark headbutts Visc.
“Knocked three weeks of stuffing out of him.” – Me

They fight against the ropes with each other. Viscera and Mark now fighting almost on top of the ropes. Mark hits a boot on Visc and Mark is now heaving Viscera over. Viscera is GONE!

COMMERCIAL FOURTEEN – 10:39

We’re back – Randy and Marcus are fighting in the corner. Matt bulldogs Nitro. During the break, Kenny was dropped by Eugene. Eugene was dropped by Orton.

Marcus goes to pounce Matt but he holds the ropes…
“I can’t POUUUNCE him!” – Me

Matt grabs CorVon and throws him out. ECW is out. Orton hits a dropkick on Nitro and he’s out. Masters goes to toss out Matt Hardy with a press slam… Matt fights out of it and out goes Masters!

We’re left with Matt, Orton, and Mark Henry. Henry throws Matt over the top to the apron. Matt is holding on..
“Hey… Chris Benoit… Big Show?” – Mike

They are holding onto each other hard… and Matt rolls in as Orton throws out Mark Henry!

Orton and Matt Hardy with RKO waiting for the err… RKO. Matt ducks it.. hits the sidethingy. They fight it out.

“Dammit.. I read the sign.” – Hernandez
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: ‘Don’t read my sign’

Randy and Matt fight it out in the middle of the ring. Randy coming up on top. Randy almost throws him out. Matt gets out of it, and second turnbuckle hits a double axe. Sies up Randy now. Kicks to the gut – goes for the twist of fate – Randy picks him up… annnnnnd…. RANDY SENDS HIM OUT WITH A EUROPEAN UPPERCUT!??!?

WINNER: RANDY ORTON

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
SNITSKY IS GOING TO RAW

“WE GOT RID OF HIM!?!?” – Eric
“Thanks Randy..” – Hernandez
“Can’t they give him back?” – Dani
“Bring back Kane!” – Mike

NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
NO WHAMMY
STOP!
MR. KENNEDY! IS RAW BOUND!!!!!

Coming next – Stone Cold – but first…

Vince is staring around aimlessly.

COMMERCIAL FIFTEEN – 10:51

Stone Cold with a main event pre-taped interview. Beer truck. Playing doctor. Cement in the convertable. Zamboni attack. Stone Cold thanks Vince for that and nothign else.. then rags on him about not getting hired… He gets bleeped alot.
“WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! HUH!? WHA!?” – Hernandez
“Best…promo…ever!” – Insyder DarkStar
“I miss Austin even more after that shit man.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“I have an odd feeling. Like Vince’s about to somehow top that.” – Insyder Kerry B

Finally, here comes Vince.
“How great would it be if Vince grabs a gun and shoots himself… THAT’S RATINGS!” – Mike

Vince drops the mic.
“I have testicular cancer… I really do have the biggest grapefruits in the business.” – Me

Vince gets in. Says nothing. And leaves.
“THE SOPRANOS ENDING! HA!” – Mike
“Fade to black now.” – Hernandez

Vince walks to the top of the key.
“I’M A WOMAN!” – Me

Heads to the back.
“CUE THE WARRIOR!” – Me
“NAKED MIDEON!” – Hernandez
“The show better not end like this I swear to God.” – Insyder DarkStar

Vince now walks through the back. In the midst of the entire roster.
“Sometime’s gotta trip him.” – Jeffrey
“Am I growing sympathetic to the Vince character? Holy crap. What the hell. Just leave the poor old man be you heartless cretins!” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac

Coach tries to stop him. ‘You’re limo is that way’

He stops at Patterson.
“You are ghey…” – Mike

Keeps walking. Through the exit.
“Piano falls on his head.” – Hernandez

Two people smoking in the back…
“RVD!” – Mike
“And Brian Christopher!?” – Me

Vince finally gets a few yards away from the arena and all is quiet… he stops and turns around. Then back to his limo…
“The limo is going to explode.” – Me

HOLY SHIT THE LIMO EXPLODED! HA!
“Tony Soprano comes out of nowhere…” – Mike
“Rikishi did it!” – Hernandez

And now… the Insyder Response:
“What the HELL?” – bluelobster
“Oy.” – DarkStar
“Are ya f*cking serious?” – CaptainSpaulding
“FINKEL! BRISCO! PATTERSON! SENILE OLD MCMAHON! EXPLODING LIMOS! Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” – Kerry B
“And Vince Russo has returned to book WCW Thunder!” CaptainSpaulding
“I thought Chris Angel was going to come out of the car” soak1313
“What the hell! So now we’re gonna have a “Who blew up Mr. McMahon?” And it’ll be Mr.McMahon “in the end all along.” – CdnCrippler
“A car blows up and no one runs to see what the hell happened?” – Faceless Name
“I blame Kane. Or AJ Soprano.” – kromadas
“What… the… f*ck…” – RJ45
“Zombie Vince will return to face Taker at Mania. I called it first.” – JP

And now… what the Rabble thought:
We are cackling here.
“There was a time I believed in the sportz entertainment factor. I denied it was a man’s soap opera. I was wrong. This is a man’s soap opera.” – Jeffrey
“It was good.” – Simon
“Fucking speechless. Awesome. Sopranos should take a lesson. Fuck Tony Soprano. Vince McMahon rules!” – Mike
“Way to waste a limo, McMahon” – Eric
“I’m fine. I love the ending. I wish I brought marshmellows.” – Hernandez
“Three hours is a little too long. Good show though.” – Dani
“Strangest ending to Raw…. EV-ERRRRRR” – Me

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