Pardon The Pulse

Paris Hilton is back in jail and justice has finally been served. She whined like a small child, whispered “I love you” to her parents in the courtroom, and has now told Barbara Walters that God has given her a second chance and she will stop “acting” dumb due to this experience. Never before in my life have I wished more for someone to develop herpes or gonorrhea.

Welcome everyone to another exciting week here as we bring you the latest topics in sports and God are we ever in a boring time as now hockey is over, basketball is a mere two to four games from being over, and football is still two months away. Trust me, there is only so much baseball anyone can take. But we have a few people always dumb enough to get themselves in the news so we can bring you our thoughts which are better then everyone else’s.

Congratulations are in order again as our very own Matt and wee Ellie from over in the forums were married this past weekend. I toast them on a long and healthy marriage full of love and joy. They are two very dear friends of mine and I only wish I had had the cash to get my ass up there to see their marriage in person. None the less, enjoy your honeymoon you too. Don’t rush back, we got everything handled on this end.

So with that I beg of you to please…

1.) MLB Season 60 Games In – Thoughts and/or Predictions So Far?

Charles Joseph: Well I’m ready to scrap the twins season. Go young. Trade Torii and Castillo and maybe Punto too. Use the extra money to sign Johan long term. And Morneau, sign him long term too. Its fun watching the sawks fans squirm with the yanks still 10 games back. The AL West is looking like it could be the best divisional race this year. Not so much if Oakland continues to not allow any runs.

AL MVP: All anyone is talking about is A-Rod and Magglio, but the reigning MVP is off to a better start than last year. Right now A-Rod is the MVP, but if Justin takes off like he did last year, he could win back to back.

NL MVP: I don’t know that there is a clear favorite in this race yet. Pujols is having a down year. Howard missed some time. Reyes is doing everything he was expected to. Prince is hot out of the gate. Holiday is hitting the ball all over the park. But I’m sticking with my early season pick of Jeff Francouer. He’s one of the league leaders in 2 out RBI’s and with chipper out he has to carry more of the load. I’ll take Hanley as my number 2 guy.

AL Cy Young: Beckett and Bonderman are probably the two leading candidates so far. Both have been dominating so far this year. But there’s always that monster sitting behind them. Johan always has better second halves. And considering he’s already up there with Burnett for the K lead, Johan could end up in the stratosphere for K’s this year. But he’s already got 6 losses this year which is one fewer that his career high. Right now Its got to be Beckett, but Johan is looming.

NL Cy Young: Lincecum? Peavy? Hamels? Young? Peavy would have to be the favorite right now. 7-1, 95ks, 1.97 ERA. Hamels would probably be my second choice 96K’s, 8-2, 3.57 ERA. That will be a good race as the season winds down.

Danny: I can’t go nearly in depth as CJ did, but here’s what I do know and that is the fact my Giants can’t seem to do shit. Barry is in a slump so BAM…the whole frickin team is. And when we do happen to make any sort of a run, we can get ourselves back up to .500 or a game over and then lose two. Back to .500 again and lose another. It’s break even or nothing.

I am ecstatic the Yanks are sucking so much ass even though they are currently in a bit of a surge and suddenly everyone in the sportscasting world has put their verbal blowjobs to work for the “miraculous” turn around Steinbrenner has done with the club. If the Braves and Yankees miss the playoffs, then I will consider this season of MLB a success.

Sadly though I have to agree on A-Rod getting the MVP so far in the American League because he’s simply having a better year then anyone else out there. I hate to give any credit though to that piece of garbage. But hey, it’s a long ass season and weirder things have happened. I’m only hoping my Giants make something happen and quickly.

Paulie: Ummm… HEY! Did you see that game on Sunday with the birds? Heh, that was funny. Umm…. Yankees r the suxxor?

Predictions? Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles of the State of California of the United States of America of North America via Lima, Peru Vs. the San Diego Preacher Mens.

2.) Where will Daunte Culpepper end up?

Danny: Oh man, from Culpepper, Joey Harrington, and Cleo Lemon one season to Trent Green, Lemon, and John Beck the next. That’s a big ass change right there in crop of QB’s for any team. And to be quite honest, I think the Dolphins are better off this year with who they have and for years to come.

As for Culpepper, I think he will end up in one of the three places that’s Don Banks thinks he could end up: Jacksonville, Baltimore, and Green Bay. Jacksonville is like in QB mental retardation hell with Garrard being so iffey last year in Leftwich’s absence so it doesn’t seem their future is with him. And Leftwich could be possibly be elsewhere after this season so I think Culpepper could step in right away over there. If worse comes to worse, they could grab Matt Jones out of the WR slot and throw him behind center.

Baltimore…Steve McNair is 34 years old and has a few years left in him at least. And after the great performance he put on last year, I don’t see the Ravens bringing in a 30 year old QB to compete and possibly sit on the bench next year and maybe the next. Boller may be gone next year in free agency and Troy Smith could move up after two years behind McNair or possibly another veteran QB on their way out.

Green Bay? It’s all “Will Brett Favre retire or not? Let’s wait it out!” Fuck Brett Favre! At this point in time I hope he gets injured so he can’t possibly come back next season and we know right away instead of devoting 3 months to his dumb ass after the Super Bowl. And as for Aaron Rodgers? I feel bad for the guy having to sit behind buttmunch since he hasn’t gotten much experience and is already almost 3 years into his career that garnered him a possible starter right out the draft. But I don’t Rodgers will ever get more of a chance then the whole “back-up and starter got injured/sucked midseason, can he pull a Tony Romo or Kurt Warner?” opportunity. Bring in Daunte, it will be interesting to see his big ass in the cold.

God I really can’t wait for football season because it’s so much easier to talk about a sport I’m obsessed with.

Paulie: Does Hamburg or Berlin need a QB? He may do pretty good over there in Europa. Whoever gets saddled with Culpepper is going to be sorely disappointed to go along with the sore ass they’re gonna have from the contract he’s gonna want. He’s pretty much shown that he’s a walking infirmary and just honestly hasn’t been very good without the safety net that was Randy Moss. Not that Moss has done much without Culpepper either. I would hope he doesn’t go to Jacksonville. Mostly for sentimental value. I went to high school with David Garrard. I want to see him do well. I still have faith that he can.

I’d say he’d be the best fit in Baltimore. He could possibly actually beat McNair out for the starting job. And they’ve pretty much given up on Boller, I’m sure. I just can’t see him going anywhere else and having a chance to start unless the whole Vick situation starts going down before the season starts and Atlanta becomes in desperate need of a QB.

The only other possible place to land a starting job this year, I think, would be Buffalo. And that would depend on exactly how disenchanted they’ve become with Losman. But that brings up Daunte’s fragility again. Put him in a cold weather city not in a dome and he might literally, crack.

The fun pick would be over to Kansas City. In a trade that wasn’t a trade I can’t, in reality, see KC wanting him. But it would surely be a cute storyline.

So to sum up… he’s going to suck wherever he goes, and the most likely destination is Baltimore.

Charles Joseph: Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota! Please Minnesota. I do not want Tavaris f*cking Jackson to be the teams QB. Jacksonville already has a beat up QB, Baltimore I doubt because they have McNair and I still think Boller can be a good QB. Buffalo likes JP so…Losman, not the guy from the forum, I don’t think he’ll go there. Kansas City would be fun, but they seem destined to give the job to pretty boy Brodie Croyle. Detroit would make a hell of a lot of sense. Great wide outs iffy QB. Here’s hoping he ends up in Minny, but Detroit seems like a perfect fit.

3.) Race: Ocho-Cinco Vs. Restore The Roar

Paulie: Man Vs. Equine. 200 meters. For all of… nothing. In quite possibly the most asinine publicity stunt since the last time a Bengals’ wide receiver raced a horse, Chad Johnson successfully figured out how much handicap he’d need to beat a horse in a foot race. Congratulations Chad, you beat a horse with an old ass jockey after a 100 meter head start in a 200 meter race. You did what that gangly white boy, Collinsworth, was unable to do. Congratulations, Ocho-Cinco. Hope you raised a couple thousand dollars.

Charles Joseph: That was stupid beyond belief. I don’t see how anyone racing a horse could raise money for anything. But it does give me an idea. Next year at the Pro-Bowl put the Ocho-Cinco jersey on the horse and let him play. Or let the horse run the 40 in that all-star challenge thing. Or have the horse race Dick Bavetta, that might raise some money.

Danny: I will admit that this was entirely retarded. I know a horse is faster then a human but to have a halfway head start in anything is just ridiculous. I mean the horse wasn’t anywhere frickin near Johnson by the time he crossed the finish line. Sure it is great to raise money for charity no matter how it is done, but there had to be some other way then having people gather at a horse track to watch a race that lasted all of twenty seconds and was just plain dumb.

My idea for the next race…Barkley Vs. Restore The Roar. Sir Charles gets a ¾ lead on the horse.

4.) Red Cards For Baseball Fans?

Danny: This is just horribly retarded. It just angers the hell out of me how much fun they are trying to take out of the art of being at the ballpark. I have not been to many MLB games since we don’t have a team down here but I have been to numerous college and AAA games and these rules would just totally kill much of the enjoyment from attending. I can understand some of them like not getting totally wasted and every other word out of your mouth being a curse word. I also don’t condone throwing anything onto the field or at anyone in the stands. Smoking? Hey that’s up to whatever kind of business you are if you allow that or not.

But to start handing out red cards? Are you serious? The story on the link above says how a couple guys were simply sitting around drinking some beers and enjoying the game and they got “red-carded.” For what? Let people enjoy themselves at the ballpark. It’s a time for them to relax and just have fun as long as they aren’t being total assholes or disruptive to those around them. But not even to let people move down to empty seats if NO-ONE is there even by like the third or fourth inning? Horseshit. They might as well not sell beer; have everyone sit a seat apart from one another; and whisper.

Try and pull this shit at an NFL game and you’ll have a riot of Brazilian soccer on your hands.

Charles Joseph: Wow…just….wow. They can throw you out for getting drunk at a baseball game? Wow. Isn’t that the whole point of attending a baseball game? Inappropriate acts of affection? Is that gonna kill the kiss cam almost every ball park does? Who is the judge of inappropriate clothing? Is it gonna be some 95 year old man who’s blind in one eye, who thinks that if you’re pants aren’t pulled up past your belly button its indecent? Or is it going to be some 21 woman model that, as long as all the goodies are covered up, won’t care. This is ridiculous. And the moving up thing. That is a time honored tradition, if there are empty seats lower than where you’re sitting, take um. I won free tickets to a Brewers game this year and they’ve thrown me in the third deck down the right field line. If you think I’m not moving up and over you’re crazy. So I will probably be red carded this year. Pay attention to the forums, I’ll be ranting about it when it happens.

Paulie: If they take away the drinking, the cursing, the half naked women, and making out in the stands, what the hell is the point of going to a baseball game? To WATCH the game? Umm… yeah, right. Whatevah. As a young lad I used to love watching the Cubs game on WGN and the camera dude focusing half the time on the chicks in bikinis up in the bleachers. And, seriously, who could make it through a Cubs game without having a beer or twelve? B… but… IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN! You know what? When I was a child I saw boobies. I cursed. Hell, I snuck a drink or two. I turned out to be a fine, upstanding member of society. SKIN AND WORDS WILL NOT HURT YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE SNOWFLAKES! Jeebus, people, get over yourselves.

5.) Summer Plans?

Paulie: Well, let’s see here. New house? Check. Pregnant wife? Check. Extra kids for a week in July? Check. Yeah, this summer should be interesting. So far we’ve poured 6 yards of concrete for sidewalks/patios, built a 16×20 deck, and put a baby in the belly. So my biggest issue for the next few months is trying to find food that the smell of won’t make my wife want to puke. FUN! Then there’s that week in July that my sister in law is going out of town but can’t take her foster kids with her so we get two extra kids for a week. Fun fun. Summer… it sure as hell ain’t what it used to be.

Charles Joseph: Uhhhh…Beloit Snappers game vs. the Peoria Chiefs who are being coached by Ryne Sandberg on Matt Garza bobblehead day. Minnesota Twins vs.
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim on Justin Morneau Bobblehead night. Cincinnati Reds vs. Milwaukee Brewers on give CJ a red card night. Other than that…concerts, and summer in a tourist town.

Danny: Well yall just sound like yall are gonna have the best damn summers now don’tcha? As for me, there is not much planned. I just hit up Destin in mid-April and I’ll admit…I am not much of a vacationing in the summer type of guy. I enjoy my vacations anywhere from October through to April while I take May through September and let the heat die itself out while I’m staying at work trying to save money or at home. As of now I am currently saving money and plan on giving my 30-day notice to my landlord on August 1st if all goes according to plan and moving out of this hellhole called New Orleans. Thank the good Lord.

Plans I already have though include attending the ECW and Smackdown show at the New Orleans Arena on July 10. And then on July 29, I’ll be back to the Arena for the Super Bowl of the Arena Football League…the Arena Bowl. Some fun times…and preseason NFL football is now less then two months away. Holy hell I’m excited! But other then that, another calm summer is in the works as I look forward to my favorite time of year…autumn.

PEE-YOMPS (pimps)

Like DVDs? Then head over to The DVD Lounge where there are a lot of good people watching a lot of crap so you don’t have to. And for a person who has over 1300 DVDs and watches every movie imaginable, Travis really finds some things that even I have never heard of.

Popcorn Junkies is a place you really need to go check out as well because there are great people like Caroline, Ping, Michaelangelo, Kubryk, and more bringing you news and movie reviews at all hours of the night and day.

You need to check out Pulse Wrestling, because with Double M, Widro, and PK’s mock draft; Hatton’s Rabble coverage; live coverage; rumors; and all the tracking of who is going where due to the huge draft…you may get confused and they’ll set ya straight. Oh yeah, and Vince McMahon died…maybe…but he did….maybe…cooties quit!

Robert Sutton has been putting together a great bunch of work each week in his ROBTRAIN’s Bad Ass Cinemas leading up to the upcoming release of Bruce Willis’ Live Free Or Die Hard.

Rose McMayhem has been doing a hell of a lot of work over in Beyond The Threshold dealing with antisocialism, Marilyn Manson, and even some boobs. Check out her work folks, good stuff.

That’s all we got this week everyone, but before we go…there’s someone who wants to say something.

An extra note from Paulie this week as he’d like to let everyone know that he has learned something: “I’d just like to add a little something that I learned this weekend. In the past, I’ve knocked on NASCAR for being nothing but a bunch of cars driving in an oval for 3 and a half hours. This weekend, I learned that it was more than that. This weekend I learned that sometimes, just SOMETIMES… they drive in a rounded point triangle. And can’t drive in the rain. What’s wrong with letting the track look like Interstate 40 at rush hour for 50 or so laps?”

Will wonders never cease to amaze me. The hillbillies figured out a new fangled way of driving their automobiles. AUTO-MO-BIIILLLLLEEEE!

Got something you wanna share? Then e-mail anyone of us or head here in the forums where we sometimes have granny porn in abundance, but not for long because that’s ga-ross!

Enjoy the rest of your week everyone and we’ll see you back here next time same bat time, same bat channel, and if we’re lucky…our good friend Paul Beasley (AKA Beadle) will be IN Paris and not get a disease!

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