SLAMMIVERSARY PREVIEW: A Return To Nashville

“(Nashiville) is a place, a time, a consciousness, in which there is no love.”
– Richard Bach

Hi again! It’s me, the G to the R to the U to the T! What’s up? I’ve been doing okay, I guess. I mean, my sex life has dried up as I’ve taken to killing the hookers before I have sex with them again, and you know my stance on necrophilia. But my wrestling life is great! I just found out that TNA is returning on June 17th to my hometown of Nashville, Tennessee! I grew up in the suburbs of Nashville, just a scant 14 hour drive away, and I am so thrilled that Jeff Jarrett is bringing his collection of WWE midcarder champions and Kevin Nash back to where it all started. Some say that the music city and TNA don’t mesh, but then I remind them that they’re not real, they’re just voices in my head posing as friends.

When TNA left we were all pretty devastated. Me, Old Blue, Willie Nelson, the American Idol chick, other country music stars, the Nashville professional sports team, all of us. Since then the last time we had a big event was when they filmed the remake of 2001 Maniacs in our town, but then it went straight to cable. We tried to honor it by killing any northerners who come down here looking for some hot french kissing lesbian cousins and by reinstating slavery, but goll darn it if them Washin’ton DEEESEEE policticians ain’t striken down dem nu lahws b4 we ad a chee-ance 2 inititititate dem. SUUUUUUUUUUE-EEEEEE!

Sorry, I worked hard to get rid of my accent after leaving the south, but sometimes it slips back in. Anyways, however, y’all might of eard a bit bout Nashville. We got the Grand Ole Opry where we hold our wrasslin competitions, wes gots the Belle Meade Plantation, the Fairvue Plantation, the Nashville Plantation in Maine, and da slave plantation! The only place that had more plantations and slaves in the south was Savannah Georgia! In Savannah Georgia they’d beat their slaves a little harder than we would and they still have lynchings to this day (dey cover dem up), but Savannah is populated by 8 million people from a total of 3 bloodlines. We ain’t got dat excuse, wes got 5.7 million and double dem number of bloodlines.

Nashville is famous for its easy women and easier racism, and sometimes if you’re around durin the day you can see 1 adem fancy high falootin’ horseless carriages puttering its way threw ow-er cobblestone streets, usually driven by Nashville’s own major sports star who plays for our professional sports team. Yep, it’s a fancy life wen yor makin’ dem BIG donuts ta dollars.

When ya come down for the wrasssssling, stop inat Grannys fer some moonshine and y’all make sure to let Granny see you ain’t been circlecumsized so you get the Goin’ to Heaven discount. Baby Jesus ain’t go gone and got dead so y’all Judes can pay less for a proud wife of a KKK Grand Wizard’s moonshine.

Well sir, as much as I look talking with y’all about my home, I think I done gone and milked this topic like it was my pregnant sister. Speaking of which, I’m about to be a father! YEEHAW! DRUNKEN BARN DANCE SHOOTING TIME! Pass the rifle round and round, watch that evil Jew boy drown, grab that Muslim by the neck, hang him next to Ben Affleck! YEEEEE HAW!

Take me to another place!
Take me to another land!
Something something nother base!
Help me understand your plannnnnn….

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