Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
I won’t be digging too deeply into the music news crates for this edition, as I have what is quite possibly the worst flu that I’ve had in at least five years, and I just want to sleep. It started as a sore throat on Friday morning, and while I tried to hold it off with copious amounts of vitamin C, echinacea and zinc, the damn thing snowballed on Saturday afternoon when I started puking blood. At least my stomach’s recovered, but now I can’t breathe, I can’t taste, I feel like a piece of wet spaghetti and I have a fever that I’m sure is only being magnified by the fact that it’s 90-some degrees outside. Fuck this…
The sad part is that he probably paid for those teeth.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
THE GAME rejected a plea bargain offered by a Manhattan prosecutor last Wednesday, in which he would have had to plead guilty for charges of impersonating a police officer when he told a cabbie back in November run through red lights because he was an undercover cop. The bargain would have involved a guilty plea to the misdemeanor charge, though he would have been immediately released due to time already served while waiting to go to court. Why should he plead guilty to bogus charges for a non-jail sentence if he’s innocent?” defense attorney Jeffrey Lichtman told reporters outside the court. ”And he is innocent. It’s rare that I have a 100 percent innocent defendant, but this is one.” This guy? Mr. Lichtman, have you been reading the newspapers? Have you been reading my column? It seems like every single week this guy is in trouble for one thing or another. In fact, I was actually thinking of not covering this story because I’m getting sick and tired of him. However, it is my duty, as a journalist, to bring you the latest… aw f*ck it, I’ve a got the f*cking flu. Here’s a random picture to make it all better.
CHERI DENNIS, an acolyte of The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Piece of Shit Cocksucker who should not be confused with the much more talented CATHY DENNIS, has filed a complaint against the Tampa Police Department after she was pepper-sprayed and arrested last Friday. According to Dennis, she was driving through downtown Tampa with her cousin, and after being pulled over for speeding or illegally changing lanes or being black or whatever it was, officers thought that her cousin had a gun, and took him out of the car. Obviously not happy with the way things were playing out, she started hollering and making a big deal, and the cops apparently didn’t like that, so they pepper-sprayed her, citing that she was “resisting arrest”, and took her into custody. According to Dennis, “I think that they were being filmed for C.O.P.S. or some reality show, if I’m not mistakenâ€¦ so they were being really overzealous. They just turned the whole thing up to 20. It was just a big misunderstanding.” Wouldn’t it be funny if she was really just getting Punk’d? I think we can all agree that Ashton Kutcher could really break some new ground by introducing pepper spray into his stunts. Hasn’t it been a while since Pete Wentz get Punk’d? And I’m sure Fred Durst and Lil Jon would be great targets as well. SMELL THE RATINGS!!!!
Underground rapper STACK BUNDLES was fatally shot outside of his home in Queens early last week. No word on who exactly the perpetrator was, though an early ’80s model Mitsubishi L300 was seen leaving the scene and a note was later found reading, “Die BOBBY BROWN Die ~ALQaida.” So Osama bin Laden thinks that all black people look the same, too? I could see if it were 50 Cent, because he looks like a lot of things, but this is absolutely deplorable. Mathan Erhardt, you get out there to Wiziristan right now and straighten that guy out.
Former STATIC-X/DOPE guitarist Tripp Eisen (nÃ© Tod Rex Salvador) was released last week after having served over two years in prison for two separate incidents where he had sex with underage girls. When asked by a reporter for The SMonday Swindle Sheet what his plans were now that he’s a free man, he said, “I’m going to Disneyland! To have sex with some more underage girls!”
Anyone else with me in that you’d be more likely to trust the Tripp Eisen on the left with your teenage daughter over the Tripp Eisen on the right?
Perpetually disheveled-looking singer ENRIQUE IGLESIAS recently revealed to reporters that he set his dog on fire when he was a young child. “When I was little we had this very hairy dog,” he said. “I threw a sparkler to scare it and the sparkler got caught in its hair and the dog caught on fire. It was running all over the house. Half the dog was burned and I got grounded for three months.” And there you have it, kids. It just goes to show that if you set your dog in fire you will grow up to have sex with women like Anna Kournikova, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Christina Aguilera.
Subject line from e-mail found in my inbox, sent by Ticketmaster: Don’t miss Brad Paisley
Actually, I was planning on it.
Just as she prepares to release a new album and has fired her manager, American Idol winner KELLY CLARKSON has decided to cancel her scheduled summer tour, due mostly in part to disappointing ticket sales. For the three of you who care. Or maybe just two. … In other Kelly Clarkson-related news, she allegedly turned down a $10 million bonus from record mogul Clive Davis in which she would have had to remove five self-written songs and replace them with some more pop-friendly fodder that had been previously recorded for other artists. Well, kudos to Kelly Clarkson for sticking to her guns, but Clive Davis isn’t really a guy that likes to hear the word “no.” In fact, if Kelly Clarkson turns up missing after going out late to get some orange juice, you’ll know what happened. You heard it here first. I’m not scared of you, Clive Davis! Just kidding. I really am.
Former DESTINY’S CHILD member KELLY ROWLAND is furious with Singaporean media outlets after they leaked a story that she had died in a car accident in the small South Asian country, though she was actually safe on a flight back home at the time. “I had been in Singapore, and was on an 18-hour flight home, so none of my family could get in contact with me,” she told reporters. “All they know is that it’s all over the radio airwaves that I’m dead, that I was in a car accident in Singapore. … “I was like, ‘That’s so not funny.’ One, to play with life like that, and two to play with my family’s emotions.” Well, since there’s really nothing worse than falsely reporting that someone’s dead, The SMonday Swindle Sheet would like to report that Kelly Rowand was seen smoking crack out of an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while urinating on a retarded child. You heard it here first.
In an interview with the British edition of Cosmopolitan, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE recently revealed that he was beaten up when he was 13 years old, by a gang of black kids, for being white. While he suffered a black eye and few broken ribs, he said that it gave him a new outlook on life. “The hard part was trying to understand why it happened. Then you get to a point where you have to let it go. In my case, I decided that it would be easier for me to get through life if I just acted black all the time.” Finally! We find out why! And of course, you heard it here first. Or second, actually, if you count the British edition of Cosmopolitan.
News Headline: George Michael thinks nobody takes him seriously
Oh, shut up.
News Headline: Jamie Foxx is envious of Prince’s style
Crap rapper FABOLOUS will not have to face illegal weapons charges after a shootout last October, as a New York judge dismissed the case on Thursday. Prosecutors were unable to prove that Fabolous (nÃ© John Jackson) owned one of two loaded handguns found in a car after he had been shot at Manhattan restaurant Justin’s, owned by The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Piece of Shit Cocksucker. His attorney told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that “he should never have been [in the car] in the first place. There were four guys in the car. My client jumped in the back seat of the car after he was shot. It was not the car he came to the club in. He came to the club in a different car, which was loaded with many more bigger, badder [sic], gold and diamond-encrusted guns that luckily the cops never found.”
After checking himself into a Los Angeles-area rehab facility last week, BON JOVI has checked himself out, after receiving treatment for an undisclosed addiction. While he’s staying tight-lipped about what exactly he was trying to kick, he made an odd statement to reporters while coming out of the facility: “It’s still going to be really hard even driving past a Cold Stone Creamery for the next few months. Uh-oh.
MUSE singer Matt Bellamy revealed this week that he was taken into an interrogation room and questioned extensively after cracking some inappropriate jokes with airport security at London’s Heathrow Airport back in April. According to the singer himself, as he was passing through airport security, he noticed that an agent was checking one of his bags, and chided, “Don’t worry, mate. I’m not going to be working illegally or making bombs.” Of course, that led to his being flagged. “(Two security guards) asked me all these silly questions like, ‘Do you like American people?'” he said. “I said they’re quite nice. They mean well.” What a dumb shit. Seriously. Do you really think you’re immune to getting the rubber glove treatment after mentioning bombs at the airport just because you sing in some overrated Brit-pop band?” Airport security has actually got to be one of the best jobs out there, because you get to f*ck with people you give you attitude, just citing that you “observed him acting in a threatening matter” or some crap like that. I’ve worked with the public for over 10 years, and if I were able to pull someone into a little cramped room and drill them for half an hour just because something about them irritated me, I’d probably have a lot less frustration with my job, and I’d probably be a lot less stressed out at work. You hear that, TSA? You’re livin’ the dream…