So, I just finished eating about 30 oz of ribeye steak cooked on my (hardwood charcoal) grill. I am feeling awfully satiated.
Let’s see if the WWE can continue that with 9 championship matches. What’s the over/under on the number of titles that change hands? I put it at two.
We start with a rundown of the show, includding the 5-way for the WWE Championship, with quick excerpts from each participant. JR: “Somewhere, sometime, the odds are gonna catch up to John Cena.”
And we are LIVE from Houston, TX.
Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda are at ringside. Wow, does Barry look old. Mike actually looks younger than his last days in WCW, if that’s possible.
World Tag Team Championship: The Hardys vs. Cade & Murdoch: Murdoch extends a hand, but is quickly rebuffed by Jeff. Matt and Cade start. Lockup to the corner, Cade makes a big presentation out of his clean break. “Play by the rules!” He reaches for the handshake, but gets a kick n the gut in response. Nice sportsmanship, Matt! Back-and-forth, cross-body from Matt gets.. nothing. Ot the punches, Jeff tags in, double elbow, combo legdrop/standing swanton. Murdoch tags, gets a swinging neckbreaker for two. Hardy with the mulekick, tags in Matt, off the ropes with a double-forearm to the shoulder. Quick tag back to Jeff, leg lariat in the corner, Cade goes over the ropes with a clothesline from Matt. Rednecks motion like they’re walking to the back, Hardys meet them halfway up the ramp and quickly throw them back in. Murdoch begs off, slaps Matt, then runs out of the ring. Matt gives chase, Murdoch tags Cade on his way back in, begs off again but goes for a kick, blocked my Matt, Cade comes in with a chopblock. Nice sequence. Cade works on the left knee. Murdoch tags in and does the same. Lawler points out that Murdoch’s left eye is practically closed up, due to a gouging from last night. Cade slams the knee for two. Heels cut the ring in half, tagging in and out while pounding Matt’s knee. Cade with a single-leg Boston Crab, which goes on for a while. Matt motions for the tap-out, but kicks out. Jeff in with a dropkick over the top rope and his “leg drop to the man region” move. Seated dropkick to Cade, back bodydrop to Murdoch, short-arm clotheline on Cade for 2. Cade tosses Jeff to the corner, climbs the rope, Whisper in the Wind. 1-2-no. Suplex, Jeff climbs the turnbuckles, Murdoch walks in, gets caught with a high-kick to the chin. Jeff climbs again, but gets caught this time. Cade catches him with a seated urinagi, 1-2-3. Winners: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
Backstage with King Booker and Queen Sharmell. Booker reminds the “peasants” about his former titles, and says he should be called “King Champion”. (Pronounced “CHAM-pee-on”)
Generic Summerslam promo.
Michael Cole and JBL reminisce about Eddie Guerrero, complete with a highlight reel. And that leads to:
Cruiserweight Championship, Chavo Guerrero vs. Jimmy Wang Yang: During Chavo’s entrance, there’s an unexpected big where Cole talks about great former cruiserweight champs, including “The Man of 1000 Holds”, Dean Malenko. Wow – that came out of nowhere. And, Dean is shown watching the match backstage. Chavo gets into a few, “No, you suck exchanges with fans at ringside before we start. Back and forth, Yang with a quick roll-up for 1. JBL refers to Chavo’s father as “Classic Chavo”. Chavo with a headlock takedown, Yang rolls through for another 1 count. Cheap shot by Chavo, tosses Yang into the corner. Yang with low kicks, and a nice dropkick, followed by an overhead suplex for 2. JBL mentions that he’s been to a Guerrero family reunion – with no follow-up at all from Cole – *sigh*. Yang gets his backflip kick in the corner, Chavo responds with a kick to the gut, and tosses Yang out, and then hits a baseball slide. Chavo climbs to the top, Yang catches him with a nice roundhouse kick (assisted by the ropes). Yang climbs, and hits a splash to the floor. Back in, Chavo to the corner, Yang charges, Chavo catches him with a painful-looking hiptoss in the corner. Chavo streches him over the bottom rope (JBL mentions Gory Guerrero), back suplex for 2. Chavo with a kneeling surfboard, Yang fights outs, Chavo trips him off the ropes, hits a swanton to the back. Chavo with a high-impact toss to the corner, and continues to work on the back. Yang fights out, hits a rear suplex. Bacck up, Yang with an inverted atomic drop, tossed to the corner, hits an elbow, gets a dropkick off the second rope. Yang tosses Chavo to the corner, hits a running leg lariat, goes up top, high crossbody for two. Chavo comes back with the Three Amigos, gets caught in the third by a heel kick. 1-2-no – bottom rope. Yang goes for the moonsault – nothing but mat. Chavo stalks him, sets him up, Yang rolls through for 2.5. Chavo sets him up in the corner, Yang elbows out, stands on the top corner, Chavo charges, and Yang takes the nastiest-looking bump falling onto the corner turnbuckle I’ve ever seen. Chavo hits the frog-splash to the back, rolls him over, 1-2-3. Winner: Chavo Guerrero
Replay of the McMahon Death March.
Backstage with Lashley, who wishes that Vince was still around, so he could see Lashley win the WWE title tonight.
Our first segment with Tazz and Joey Styles, talking about the upcoming ECW championship. And we get a bonus look back at the great former ECW Champion… Taz. Hmm – he seems familiar.
ECW World Championship: CM Punk vs. Johnny Nitro: Uhh, wait – did I miss the part where they told us before now that Benoit wasn’t wrestling? Oh man – the smark outcry is going to be deafening. Styles tells us that Benoit is not here because of “personal reasons”. (Okay, apparently it was announced a bit earlier tonight, and it is legit. I sincerely hope everything is okay with Chris and Nancy.) Big “WE WANT BENOIT!” chants starts up before the match begins. Well, this is the kind of reaction you get when you treat the storyline “death” of your owner as an actual fact – no one is going to take anything you have to say seriously, even when you are telling the truth. You made the bed, WWE – lie in it. A bit of amatuer to start, Nitro with a nice underarm roll-through. Punk comes back with the Muay Thai kicks to Nitro’s thigh. Joey: “CM Punk – I mean, literally kicking the legs out from Johnny Nitro!” Nitro stalls to get in, Punk chases, Nitro rolls in, Punk catches him with a slingshot splash for 2. Punk with an open-hand slap, reverses into the corner, Nitro hits a NICE roundhouse kick off the second rope to Punk’s head for 2. Nitro with forearms to the head, another 2-count. Nitro grabs a rear-choke, and the impossible-to-please portions of the audience start to chant “BOR-ING”. Punks elbows out, but gets caught with a clothesline. Nitro with a standing armbar, crowd with another “WE WANT BENOIT” chant. Nitro with a backbreaker, into a one-armed DDT. Crowd still not reacting. Another rear-choke. Punk fights up, hits an enziguiri. Back and forth, Punk gets the advantage with a series of kicks. Punk with a leg lariat for 2. Punk throws Nitro to the corner, motions for the high knee, Nitro catches him with an elbow. Nitro uses the ropes, but gets caught after 2. Nitro sets up for an overhead suplex, Punk rolls through and hits a VICIOUS spinning clothesline for 2. Punks sets up for the GTS, Nitro elbows out, goes for the roll-up, Punk drops down, gets 2. Punk with knees, high knee in the corner, bulldog, primal scream. Outside the ropes, waits on Nitro, springboard… misses, Punk rolls the opposite corner outside the ropes. Punk with a shoulderblock through the ropes, tries again but gets caught with a knee. Nitro pulls him across the ropes, hits a swinging neckbreaker (basically a one man Snapshot), 1-2-… 3? Wow. Winner, and new ECW Heavyweight Champion: Johnny Nitro
A look at the 60 minute Iron Man between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels.
Backstage with Mick Foley and Randy Orton. Randy reminds Mick about the recent match with Umaga, Mick reminds Orton of what happened in their last match against each other, Randy reminds Mick that he (Randy) won that match. And then repeats it for Mick’s “good ear”. Hah!
A quick look at Ricky Steamboat, with shout-outs to his matches against Randy Savage and Ric Flair. The Dragon even gets announced.
Intercontinental Championship: Santino Morella v. Umaga: Santino with the hot offense on Umaga to start, stopped with a backdrop. Umaga goes for a splash, hits the knees. Umaga his a superkick to Morella’s head. Umaga with a few shots to the shoulder, then hits the dreaded nerve pinch. Wow – haven’t seen that in a while. Wasn’t that one of Iron Mike Sharpe’s big moves? Morella tries to fight out, to no avail. Morella thrown to the corner, and Umaga lays in the shots. Ref counts to five, and then… calls for the bell? Winner: Santino Morella After the bell, Umaga hits the running buttshot to the corner, then goes after the ref – who runs for high ground. Umaga climbs to the top, and hits the big splash on a now-squishy Santino. And the crowd now chants: “OO-MA-GA!” Umaga climbs out, gives the big thumbs up to the camera, which draws a face pop. HAH! Umaga back in the ring, gives the Samoan Spike to a nearly prone Santino. Climbing back out, the crowd breaks into a bigger “OO-MA-GA!” chant, which brings a smile and a nod of the head to our Samoan Bulldozer. Flying down the ramp comes Maria, trying to tend to her fallen Italian. Umaga thinks about it, but decides not to come back in to lay the smackdown on Maria’s fine, fine ass.
The Great American Bash, July 21. (OMG – I’m doing another one of these? Geez.)
There’s something here about the Vince death investigation.
HO-LEE CRAP. Magnum TA is in da house. Oh WOW, is he old. Thanks for killing a bit of my childhood WWE. He kinda looks like Sam Elliott as Virgil Earp, with darker, but less hair. But hey, honestly – I’m just thankful the guy is still alive.
U.S. Championship: Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Ric Flair And of course, MVP walks up to Magnum before the match and gives him some lip. Magnum looks somewhat amused (dude, he would have WHUPPED YOUR ASS back in the day). And who would’ve lost money betting on who would have the longer career, Flair or Magnum TA? Flair gives a bit of a nod and word to Magnum at ringside. Oh, forgot to mention – MVP is wearing a black breath-rite strip on his nose. Lockup to the corner, MVP gives a clean break, but immediately starts in with the trash talk: “What you got? You got nothin’ on me! You old! You washed up!” Flair just gives him the eye. “You got nothin’!” “WHOOO!” MVP goes for a forearm, gets a bunch of chops in return, takes a break outside the ring. Back in, wrestling sequence to a takedown by Flair, working the left leg. Attempt on a kneedrop countered by MVP with a rake of the eyes. Flair draped over the ropes, MVP follows up with a running kick. Back in the ring, MVP with a series of elbows for 1. MVP with a sleeper. MVP: “Go to sleep! Say goodnight!” Flair makes the ropes. MVP lays in the shots in the corner, Flair fights out with chops. Flair throw to the other corner, hit with a back bodydrop on the way out. Chinlock by MVP, Flair fights out with more chops. MVP with a fireman’s carry, drops Flair facefirst. Flair looks to be busted open already. MVP with a running boot, 2 count. Flair with a jawbreaker and more chops. Off the ropes, Flair with a back suplex. More chops, and an elbow. Backdrop by Flair, and a strut. MVP in the corner, Flair climbs and gets to 6 in the countdown before MVP drops him face-first on the turnbuckle. MVP misses the big boot in the corner, Flair follows with a couple of chopblocks. “NOW, we go…” Figure four! MVP makes the ropes. Flair lays in some shots on the ropes, ref goes to pull away Flair, MVP gets the straight-away eye poke. Playmaker, 1-2-3. Winner: MVP
Backstage interview with John Cena. Normal whatever, then Edge shows up to make things interesting.
Ringside: Tony Garea and Rick Martel. Man… I have to admit, I loved those guys back in the day. (Yeah, I’m that old – I remember when Martel had his first WWF match.)
WWE Tag Team Championship: Deuce and Domino vs…. DnD make a quick acknowledgement of Garea and Martel on the way to the ring. Once inside, they grab a mic and talk about the “stink of a couple of has-beens”. “I didn’t even know you guys were still alive, this is crazy! They dusted you off and brought you out here! I didn’t recognize you at first, I’m used to seeing you in black and white, if you know what I mean!” (Uhh, yeah, I’m pretty sure I know what “black and white” means, Domino. Or, Deuce? Which one are you again?)
And now we get the challengers.
WWE Tag Team Championship: Deuce and Domino vs.Sgt. Slaughter and Jimmy Snuka: Ohhh boy. Cole and JBL both refer to the challengers as “Sgt. Snuka”. Lock up, Snuka with some chops and a headbutt. Slaughter tags in, does the “into the ropes knee lifts”. Snapmare, 2 count. Sarge with a shoulder into the gut, then a backbody drop out of the corner. Domino misses the charge, Sarge hits the Cobra Clutch. Domino makes the ropes. Another Cobra Clutch, but Domino makes the tag. DnD work over Sarge a bit (I say “a bit” cuz they mistimed the heel manuevering on the ref). Quick tags now, Duece gets a two count off an elbow. Deuce to the top, mocks the Superfly a bit, but misses the big splash. Hot tag to Snuka, chops and headbutts to Deuce, 2 count broken up by Domino. Snuka with a backbreaker, motions to the top. Climbs to the top, hits the splash, rolled through by Deuce – 1-2-3. Winners: Deuce and Domino Post-match beatdown by DnD, stopped by Garea and Martel, who shows a whole lot of fight in them.
More “Vince death” stuff.
Recap of the Edge/Batista feud. An emphasis on the “last chance” thing.
Harley Race is ringside.
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs. Batista Lockup, Batista tosses Edge to the corner. Shoulder blocks in the corner, shoulderblock for 1. Batista with a armbar lockup, to a hammerlock/armbar combo. Batista back to the armbar, concentrating on the shoulder (if this is supposed to be a counter to the spear, it’s a good move). Edge fights out, off the ropes, sideslam by Batista for 2. Edge thrown to the ropes, holds on, Batista charges, Edges pulls down the bottom rope, Batista goes over to the floor. Edge jumps off the apron, Batista catches him, slams the lower back into the ring edge. Batista lifts him up, Edge slips off, throws Batista into the ringpost. Batista gets caught coming back in, Edge tosses him into the ringpost again. Baseball slide by Edge. Batista back into the ring, Edge works the left arm. Batista rolls through, goes for a charge in the corner, hits the ringpost instead. Edge wraps Batista’s left arm around the ringpost a couple times. (JBL kinda makes an ass out of himself here by calling Jose Reyes “the greatest basestealer of all time”. Twice. Umm… Hello, Rickey Henderson? Ring a bell? Jose Reyes’ best year does not make the top 100 all time. Ass.) Edge with an armbar, Batista fights out and gets a Fireman’s Carry, into what looks like a Samoan Drop… but Edge hangs on to the armbar, now with scisorring the other arm. Batista back up again, out with a couple of forearms. Batista gets caught in a blind charge. Edge climbs, gets knocks off, Edge snaps the arm over the top rope. Batista hits a big lariat – no cover. Batista with a corner clotheslines, Edge with a high elbow, Batista counters a charge with a swinging lariat, 1-2-no. Batista sets up for the Demon Bomb, Edge counters to the Edge-cutioner. 1-2-no. Edge gets frustrated, climbs out of the ring and grabs the World title belt. Ref stops him, Edge climbs back in pleading his case, Batista with a roll-up, delayed count… 1-2-no. Edge with a roll-up for 2. Batista goes for the powerslam, Edge counters. Both men down, 9-count… Edge motions for Batista to “Get up!” Edge charges – Batista hits the spear! Batista shakes the ropes, sets Edge up for the Batista Bomb, Edge hits an obvious low blow. Ref calls for the bell. Winner: Batista Still World Champ: Edge
Then.. Teddy Long appears. He orders Edge to go back to the ring, so he can re-start the match. “And Edge, one more thing playa – if you get yourself disqualified again, you will lose the World Heavyweight Title.” Now can you dig that?
Edge back in the ring, hands the title to the ref, signals for the bell. Bell goes off, Edge charges and hits Batista (recovering in the corner) with forearms to the back. Edge to the opposite corner, motions for the spear. Batista turns around, Edge nails the spear, 1-2-NO! Edge rolls out, grabs a steel chair, drops it on the way back in after realizing “Crap, can’t do that”. Batista gets a roll-up for 2. Batista with a kick, set-up for the Batista Bomb, Edge goes over and out of the ring. Outside the ring, Edge pulls Batista into the steps. Edge sets up for a spear outside the ring, gets caught with a kick. Batista nails the Demon Bomb at ringside. The ref is still counting. 8.. Batista pushes Edge into the ring.. 9.. Batista climbs to the ropes… 10. Ref rings the bell. Winner: Edge
Post-match: Batista pleads to the ref: “That was my last chance!” Aww. Batista gets pissed, gives Edge a Batista Bomb in the middle of the ring. Then, lots of “Dammit!” motions outside the ring.
A quick look back on the women’s champion focuses on Moolah, and decides to focus on… her stint as the Spider Lady? Well, okay.
Women’s Championship: Melina vs. Candice: In case you’re wondering, yes, Candice’s outfit is AWFULLY nice tonight. I will always give five stars to anything involving garter belts. Melina motions for the test of strength, but immediately goes for a kick to the gut. Candice works to the corner, tries for her Tarantula move, but gets caught in… something. Candice rolls through to a lateral press for 2. (BTW – this sounds like a women’s ATP Wimbledon final – the screeching and grunting is overbearing.) Melina pushes Candice to the ropes, backs off and charges. Candice pulls the ropes down, Melina goes over to the floor. Candice with a powerslam, and a Go-Daddy motion into an elbow drop for 2. Candice with a bulldog for 2. Candice to the eyes. Melina with a Widows-peak-like move for 2. Candice with the leg lariat off the ropes. 1-2-.. 3? Ok. Winner, and NEW Women’s Champion: Candice
Prior to the WWE Championship match, JBL is recognized, and hands over a speech to be read word-for-word. Nice.
A “What is a Champion?” promo, to play up each of the five participants, along with a “Who am I?” bit.
WWE Championship: Lashley vs. Mick Foley vs. King Booker vs. Randy Orton vs. John Cena: In case you’re wondering, the pop to John Cena’s music is overwhelming positive, and overwhelming high-pitched. (Some “BOO’s” try to work their way in, but they are simply over-powered by the young and the x-chromosomed.) Big, big stall to stop. Then, Booker rolls out of the ring, asking Sharmell to rub his lower back. So, Randy is in there with the three faces: and gets his ass properly kicked. punch from Cena, backbody drop by Lashley, clothesline over the top from Mick/Jack (who immediately grabs his knee upon landing on the outside – okay, guess he’s out already). So, back in the ring, we now have Cena and Lashley eyeing each other up – which brings a nice face pop from the crowd. They go eye-to-eye, only to be broken up by the supremely stupid Booker T – seriously, why prevent them from kicking the crap out of each other? Anyway, we know have Booker vs. Lashley inside the ring – Booker with some knee into the corner, Lashley out with a clothesline and a body slam, then a clothesline over the top. So, the other four are down by the bottom of the entrance ramp, Lashley gives a look to the crowd, and… hits a tope over the top rope onto everybody else on the floor. Wow. (And he didn’t catch his foot and almost kill himself or anything.) Lashley with the “dropdown torture rack” (that’s what I’m calling it) for 2 – broken up by Cena, to a mostly heel reaction. Back to the Cena/Lashley face-off – and now we get to blows. Literally – forearms and fists back and forth, until Lashley gets a spinebuster. We go outside the ring. Wait, it’s No-DQ? Really? Well, some of the guys in the roundtable (at the very least, Big Andy Mac) are going to be pissed. Eh – whatever.) Lashley sends Cena into the ring steps,then starts to tear apart the ECW announce table (how ironic). Orton interrupts, Foley jumps in to stop that, and Booker T knocks down Foley. Foley fights back on Booker, and they brawl a bit around ringside, culminating with Mick taking his sick thigh-first spot into the ringsteps. Orton gives a backbreaker to Lashley at ringside. RKO is countered, but Lashley wanders into an FU from Cena onto the ECW table (oh, the cruel hand of irony at work). Back in the ring, Booker and Cena go at it. Booker with the heel kick for 2. Booker and Cena due the Mark/Smark punchout: Booker YAY: Cena BOO! Booker with the scissors kick for 1, broken up by Orton. Cena pops up, knocks Orton out of the ring. Cena with the clothesline/shoulderblock on Booker, and the sit-out superplex. Now the smark “BOOs” are really trying to over-take the adolescent cheers – about a 50/50 battle so far. “You can’t see me” – off the ropes, Orton jumps in, hits an RKO on Cena! Cover, 1-2-broken up by Foley. Foley beating on Randy in the corner, BANG BANG! Knee to the face. Kick wham – double-arm DDT. Foley motions for Mr. Socko – Booker catches him with a superkick. Orton and Booker do… something… (camera is not on them). Foley outside the ring grabs a chair… swings for Booker, who ducks… hits Lashley square on the noggin. Coming back, gets Booker on the head. Looks around, sees Cena crawling up.. the crowd is cheering for it. SMACKS Cena on the head, but gets caught from behind by Orton. Orton with a running kick to Foley’s head. Lashley nails Orton with a spear out of the corner. Booker with a jumping side kick to Lashley. Cena motions for an FU on Booker, who gets out of the ring. Cena lifts Foley up for the FU, hits it, 1-2-3. Crowd EXPLODES.
And there we go. 9 titles, and exactly one changed hands. If you bet my “under”, you won.