Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
Reader Greg Bruno writes:
You gotta move on with the Fred Durst thing my man.
Starpulse.com reported a couple of weeks back:
British rock star Morrissey returned to the Hollywood Bowl last night for the first time in 15 years and was almost floored by a succession of stage invaders. Ten fans beat security measures and scrambled onto the Bowl stageâ€”to hug, kiss and manhandle the former The Smiths star, who has become an unlikely cult figure in Los Angeles, thanks mainly to a huge Latin fanbase.
Why is that unlikely? Who out there just found out that Mexicans love Morrissey? Maybe I’m surprised just because I’m Mexican, but Mexicans have loved Morrissey for about as long as he’s been around, much to the dismay and discomfiture of music journalists across the country. I don’t quite understand it, either, but it’s f*cking true. Maybe it’s because he looks like a pastier version of Moctezuma II. Or not.
Well, they do.
Swizz Beatz, you idiot… Everyone knows that it only counts if it’s below the waist. And Pharrell, it’s okay, you can look at it, because it only counts if it’s below the waist.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
The twin daughters of President George W. Bush could be targeted by the Recording Industry Association of America, after a Florida attorney read an Associated Press story about them giving their dad a “mix CD” for Father’s Day, and found it amusing to pass on that info to the RIAA. In a letter to the organization’s head of investigative services, Mitchell Silverman wrote, “President George W. Bush’s daughters made him a presumably illegal compilation CD, a so-called ‘mix CD,’ as a Father’s Day present. … This is a serious violation of copyright. As you know, whichever of your member organizations that are right-holders for the copied musical works may be entitled to statutory damages of $150,000.00 per musical work copied. I hope and expect that you at the RIAA will display the same vigor in prosecuting this matter and protecting the rights of your rights-holders that it has displayed in enforcing those rights against other alleged violators.” Yeah right. It would be awesome if this actually came to fruition, but yeah right. Of course, thinking that he was being awesome (which he sort of was), Mitchell Silverman has now unintentionally earned himself a spot on the Department of Homeland Security’s no-fly list. I made that up, but you could totally believe it if it were true.
After reading in Forbes magazine that 50 CENT made $33 million last year, the rapper’s babymama and her attorney are trying to get his monthly child-support payments of $25,000 increased. 50 and his legal team met with Shaniqua Tompkins and her legal team at a Long Island family court on Friday to try and hash out a new agreement. While I can’t imagine it costing more than $300,000 a year to care for a kid, and yes, this woman is obviously a golddigger, 50 certainly can afford to pay more. But is that really enough justification? Does the kid really need to have a gold-plated toothbrush and a diamond-encrusted protractor? Is child support supposed to be something that exploits and/or breaks the father’s bank, or is it basically insurance that the child doesn’t have to grow up without financial security? While the verdict is still out on that one (though I’d tend to agree with the latter) this just goes to show that vasectomies are a really good idea. Or at least condoms.
Fans of the BILLY CORGAN-fronted band that will be releasing an album under the name of THE SMASHING PUMPKINS but really isn’t that band are not too pleased with Corgan’s decision to split three bonus tracks among three separate deluxe versions of the album. While the standard release of Zeitgeist will have 12 tracks, three deluxe versions will be released as well: a version with bonus track “Death from Above”, available exclusively at Best Buy, a version with bonus track “Zeitgeist”, available exclusively at Target, and version with bonus track “Stellar”, available exclusively at iTunes. While this means the wayward band’s remaining fans will have to purchase all three versions to get all three bonus tracks, I offer the obvious alternativeâ€”download them illegally. Look, Smashing Pumpkins fans, Billy Corgan obviously wants to stick it to you, so why not stick it to him by downloading the album illegally? Maybe if the album doesn’t sell very many copies he will finally pull the trigger and kill himself. Plus, you’d not only be sticking it to Corgan, but also Jack White, who’s recently been whining about illegal downloading ruining the industry for the fourth or fifth time in the past year or so. Honestly, you’d be a fool not to do it.
MÃ–TLEY CRÃœE has filed a lawsuit against manager Carl Stubner and his Sanctuary Group management service, for fraud and breach of fiduciary duties. According to the suit, filed last Monday in Los Angeles, Stubner coerced drummer TOMMY LEE into starring in two unsuccessful reality television shows (Tommy Lee Goes to College and Rock Star: Supernova) during times when he was needed to tour with the band. Since Lee was shooting Rock Star: Supernova in 2006, the band was forced to cancel 40 concerts throughout Europe, losing an estimated $8 million in revenue. The suit also cites that Stubnerâ€”one of three managers that the band employs, as well as Lee’s own personal managerâ€”had Lee sign on to the reality shows as part of a “self-serving scheme” to promote Lee’s solo interests at the expense of the band, since Stubner received more of a commission from solo projects than group projects. Additionally, he demanded over 100 free tickets for various MÃ¶tley CrÃ¼e concerts, which the band alleges that he then sold to the public at “scalper prices.” He then used the money to get penis enlargement surgery, in order to be more like Tommy Lee. Poor guy.
Singer ROBIN THICKE (a.k.a. the real-life son of the dad from Growing Pains and the lady who sang “Friends and Lovers” with Carl Anderson) told reporters in a recent interview that he was so distraught by his wife, actress Paula Patton, having a love scene with OUTKAST‘s Andre 3000 in last year’s Idlewild film that he had to drink away the thought of it. He did, however, feel bad that it bothered him, and admitted that his wife didn’t deserve for him to be such a choad about it. “I was a total f*cking drag,” Thicke recalled. “Being vulnerable and sensitive is a good thing, but being a bitch-ass with no strength? No woman wants that. I had to man up, so I drowned my sorrows with a bottle of amaretto and pack of Virginia Slims.”
Playing at England’s Glastonbury festival on Saturday night, singer RUFUS WAINWRIGHT made a statement about his disdain with America by wearing black stripes, and telling the crowd, “[My band and I are] all wearing stripes and brooches tonight. We’re from America so it’s supposed to represent the stars and stripes. Some of us are wearing pretty stripes and that’s good, but the black stripes represent all that is bad in the USA.” Now I’m not a jingoist, and for the most part I have liberal political views, but I’d be remiss not to point out that it’s very convenient that Mr. Wainwright would try something like this in the safety of another country. Please, sir, do try it the next time you play a show in your native New York, and let me know how that goes.
News Headline: Madonna turns to Israeli creams for younger skin
I don’t know what’s more despicable: that Rosie O’Donnell thinks this is hot or that Beth Ditto would think it’s all right to wear that bra with those panties.
News Headline: Rocker Amy Lee offered threesome with a lusty married couple
News Headline: Rosie O’Donnell smitten by The Gossip’s Beth Ditto
Okay, so apparently Friday was a slow news day.
The ad hoc award-demanding waste of skin known as DIDDY recently quelled rumors that Bad Boy singer CASSIE had been dropped from the label after her debut album sold a dismal 300,000 copies, despite hit single “Me & U”. “Cassie’s definitely not dropped from Bad Boy,” he told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “She’s in the studio. So many people are excited to be working with her. She was just in the studio with Kanye West. She’s going to be doing some stuff with Pharrell. She’s even going to be appearing in the next commercial that I do for Burger King, where I bitch-slap the CEO of the company and make The King suck my cock while Cassie strips naked and pours a bottle of Cristal all over my exposed chest. It’s to introduce the new Triple Bacon Whopper.”
A recent press release: Multi-Grammy nominees HANSON, who have collectively sold more than 15 million albums worldwide and been dubbed by The Village Voice as “the finest straight-up rock band in America,” will release their fourth studio album, The Walk, on their own 3CG Records, July 24. … My first reaction was that of complete indifference, until I happened to reread it, and quickly shouted, “The Village Voice said what?” Are you kidding me? “The Finest straight-up rock band in America?” No wonder Rufus Wainwright is wearing black stripes. You’re telling me, Village Voice that this is the best we’ve got? This has to be a joke or a misquote, and if it’s not, that sound that you hear is Allen Ginsberg, Henry Miller and Ezra Pound simultaneously rolling in their respective graves. And that hasn’t happened since the New Times Media buyout.
Hank Medress, lead singer of THE TOKENS, who had a runaway hit with the immortal 1961 single, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”, died last Monday at his Manhattan home, after a bout with lung cancer. He was 68.
Welsh metalcore band BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE were forced to cancel upcoming concerts in Spain, Germany, Austria and Britain after singer Matt Tuck had to undergo emergency surgery last week to have his tonsils removed. The surgery was originally scheduled to take place next month, but due to some complications it had to be bumped up and done immediately. Tuck wrote a message to fans last week, saying, “If I’d known my tonsils were going to cause me to miss shows like these I’d have f*cking ripped them out myself long ago.” No you wouldn’t have. Stop lying. It doesn’t make you seem more metal(core) to say that you’d have ripped out your tonsils. Plus, it’s physically impossible to do.