WoQW: How Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #13 Should Have Ended…

Words of Questionable Wisdom: How Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #13 Should Have Ended…

“Words

[We fade in at Young Justice hideout to see Tim Drake laying in bed wearing his original Robin costume. His eyes dart open as he wakes up.]

Robin: Aaaaaaaah!

[The camera pans back a few inches to show Bart Allen laying down next to him dressed as Impulse with his signature Humberto Ramos-esc hair.]

Impulse: You ok?

Robin: Yeah… but you wouldn’t believe the dream I just had. I dreamed my dad found out about me being a superhero and I had to quit being Robin. So Spoiler took my place only for Batman to fire her on her first day of the job. Then my dad ends up getting killed by Captain Boomerang of all people and poor Steph dies after having a power drill shoved in her mouth.

Impulse: That’s terrible… thank goodness they’re safe.

Robin : It gets worse. It turns out my dad’s murder was planned by Jean Loring who shrunk herself and killed Sue Dibny by stepping on her brain. Then Jean becomes the new Eclipso. And meanwhile there’s this evil version of Superboy punching a wall in space.

Impulse: Huh?

Robin: Yeah and see because this evil Superboy is punching things in space a bunch of weird stuff happens like Jason Todd coming back from the dead and the original Doom Patrol returning with no explanation. Max Lord, who is human again thanks to the wall punching shoots Blue Beetle in the head and I then find out the real reason Spoiler died is because Doctor Leslie Thompkins wanted to teach Batman a lesson about endangering teenagers.

Impulse: That… makes absolutely no sense even in dream logic.

Robin: So anyway the evil Superboy goes on a killing spree, rips Pantha’s head off, slices Bushido in half and you and Wally disappear into the speed force trying to stop him. Our Superboy fights him and ends saving the universe after crashing into a giant gold tuning fork and dies. You suddenly become five years older and become the new Flash. Then Batman and I decide to take a year off and it turns out the reason he was such a jerk who fired Spoiler was because he had some kind of evil bat demon in him.

Impulse: Oh-kay… should I be taking notes or something you had me at the whole evil Superboy punching a wall in space thing. Is there going to be a quiz later?

Robin: It gets worse. We get back from the year long vacation and Batgirl is an evil sociopath leading the League of Assassins. Meanwhile at Batman has an evil son from the League of Assassins which are ruled by Talia. It turns out Deathstroke brainwashed Batgirl. Then shortly after you become the Flash you lose your powers and get stomped to death by all the Flash‘s villains at the same time.

Impulse: Thankfully I don’t feel dead… but I think we can both agree that’s the worst dream ever.

Robin: Yeah but there’s just one thing I don’t understand. Why are we in the same bed together?

Impulse: Heh, heh heh… about last night. There’s some film you might have to steal from Superboy.

[We fade to black as Robin blushes breaking out in a nervous sweat, a large goofy grin on Impulse’s face.]