SO…. YA KNOW…
SOME STUFF HAPPENED
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
We are live at O’Briens Tavern in Franklin New Jersey. We watch what you watch, and much like you do – we talk to the screen. The difference is, I type at 90+ words per minute, so I take it down to the best of my ability and then publish it on a website. That doesn’t make me better… just faster. And when I say faster, I’m not inferring anything about my sexual potency.
Joining us tonight:
The man of a 1000 drinks – Jeffrey
The man of a 1000 ethnicities – Hernandez
The man of a 1000 useless words – Bill
The girl of my 1000 dreams – Dani
And me, the man of 1000 punchlines, your host, James Hatton – me.
Now let’s get to the show…
Wow, starting with a montage about the main event at Vengence. Of course John Cena being raised as champion… again. Seems there are only 51 weeks this year.
The show though starts off with…. KEN-NE-DEEEEE!
Is he wrestling!? He’s in gear! He wants a mic, and that’s the best way to start a show that I’ve heard in awhile.
“My name is Mister Kennedy, and I should be the WWE Champion.”
The reason that he didn’t get a chance to win the Money In The Bank is because you people (the fans) forced him to cash in early.
“Who the hell is ‘you people?'” … RACIST!” – Insyder DarkStar
“I don’t know why you’d think that Ken Kenneth Kennedy is a racist.” – Insyder JP
And as we get to hear his name… he is interrupted by Cena!
“This might put him more over by a face.” – Hernandez
“The man in the ring will be the next WWE champion.” – Bill
“The referee?” – Hernandez
“No.. Kennedy..” – Bill
“Get with the program today, Bill.” – Hernandez
Cena introduces himself to Mr. Kennedy.. ‘Hello, my name is John Cena’
“And last week never happened.” – Hernandez
Cena then mocks Kennedy’s entrance… ‘MY NAME IS’
“It doesn’t MATTER what your name is!” – Me
‘Mister.. Cameltoe?’ Horrible.
“I don’t like that camel toe is mentioned with two dudes in the ring!” – Insyder Fn_Irony
Rumor has it that Kennedy likes to talk. All a man has to stand on Monday Night Raw is his words. Cena then asks the fans if it’s their fault that Kennedy lost his opportunity?
“Yes, and I feel bad.” – Hernandez
“I’m sorry.” – Me
So Cena goes on to call him, Colostomy Bag, Kellogs Crunch, and Kenny G.. which is kinda funny. Cena then mocks Kennedy for awhile and we all wonder as to why Cena’s tongue is blue.
“Is that what happens with steroids?” – Bill
“No.. Rimjobs.” – Hernandez
“IS that what happens with rimjobs, Jamie.” – Bill
“Yes.” – Me
“Show me your tongue.” – Bill
“I can’t see my tongue, I was basing that on yours.” – Me
From the Insyders:
“Damn it Cena! Stop mixing up your Khali and Kennedy impressions! It’ll confuse Bill.” – Insyder FuryK
“MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDY…….GWAR!” – Insyder JP
“Sliced bread confuses bill.” – Insyder Chuckles
So Booker comes down and he feels he’s the #1 contender.
“Is that a Burger King crown?” – Bill
“Either that or he left a Rennasaince Festival.” – Hernandez
So he challenges Cena, and now here comes Orton!
“Yep, last week never happened… last night was Vengence.” – Hernandez
“HEY! (HEY) GET THE FUCK AWAY! (HEY!)
GET THE HELL OFF OF MY TV TODAY! (HEY!)
… And so on… ” – Insyder KerryB
Orton explains that he’s been on Raw the longest and has ended the careers of Shawn Michaels and RVD.
“Who?” – Me
He also makes a point that he’s never had a 1 on 1 versus Cena. He feels that nobody deserves a chance other than him. Who interrupts.. but Lashley of course.
“Seems the only thing they all agree on is that the only person who doesn’t deserve a shot is Mick Foley.” – Me
“I would rather see Bobby Kennedy.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Lashley addresses Booker, and nearly cracks at Booker making him calling him ‘KING’ Booker. He feels that he never lost the ECW championship, so he wants the WWE Championship.
“No.” – Me
“Go away.” – Hernandez
They continue to argue annnnd… REGAL! (We & The Insyders Mark)
“HE DESERVES IT!” – Me
“Look at that Lego hair.” – Bill
Regal is in charge tonight.
“We all win!” – Me
Tonight we will find out who the new #1 Contender is, and there will be a contract signing at the end. How are we going to learn?
“Dutchess of Queensboro Rules?” – Hernandez
It’s going to be a Beat The Clock challenge. Nice. Regal then addresses Randy Orton specifically. He hopes he’s warmed up (sunshine) – because his match is next.
“I missed him calling people Sunshine..” – Me & Insyder Fn_Irony
“Buttahcup.” – Hernandez
“How is this different to RAW before a series of booking events we’re supposed to forget ever happened?” – Insyder JP
“What’s a limo?” – Fn_Irony
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15
Randy is in the ring.. and who does he get? Jeff Hardy!?
“Odd, but ok.” – Hernandez
“My brother says that singles wrestling is where it’s at.” – Me
JEFF HARDY vs. RANDY ORTON
“LILIAN’S BACK! AND A HARDY’S GONNA GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM! THIS RAW RULES!” – Insyder KerryB
Time to beat clock is up.
“Time to beat is ZERO.. who is gonna DO that!?” – Me
Start with a couple hard dropkicks and failed pin attempts from Orton. Second one tosses Jeff out of the ring. Orton rolls him in quickly! PIcks up Jeff, tosses him to the ropes. Jeff holds on and Orton goes after him and gets over the top.
“Commercial break!” – Hernandez
Baseball slide from Jeff sends Orton further out. Plancha from Jeff!
Rolls in Orton and goes for his own pin. Close two.
Throws Orton to the corner, leaps over hi, but then eats the hard clothesline. Two count. Twice in a row.
Orton hits the Garvin stomp.
“Bad psychology.. Garvin stomp is a SLOW move.” – Me
Legdrop from Randy for two and then locks in a scissorhold.
RANDY ORTON HOLD SPOTS: 1
Randy switches into a tight waistlock.
RANDY ORTON HOLD SPOTS: 2
“Randy decided headlocks weren’t doing it for him anymore.” – Me
Picks up Jeff and a hard slam down for two. Another pin for two.
He goes to pick up Jeff and continues to slam him and attempt to pin him. Right back into the scissorhold.
RANDY ORTON HOLD SPOTS: 3
Finally picks up Jeff and goes to punch him, reversed by Jeff a couple times. Jeff eats a knee though. He’s thrown to the ropes, but it’s reversed into the dropping neckbreaker.
Jeff rolls around for his pin.
X-Factor from Jeff and he heads up to the top! Orton bails out of the way though.
Randy hits the snap off the top rope. Randy then throws Jeff to the corner and hits the Whisper! Pin for two.
“Is this a bad match?” – Dani
“Just strangely slow.” – Me
“In a match that’s just not supposed to be slow.” – Hernandez
Jeff goes for his finisher… reversed intooo RKO!
PIN AND WIN.. finally.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON (7:06)
“How’s the show been?” – Jeffrey
“It’s like last week never happened.” – Me
“What happened last week?” – Dani
“Vengence.” – Me
“..right.” – Dani
Coming up Melina and… Mother of god.. Maria.
*SLAP* – Dani
“OW!” – Me
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:28
“Since when do they show the “Do not try this at home” ad in the middle of RAW??? OHHHHHHHHH…nevermind!” – Fn_Irony
“On a darker note… Who’s ready to see Maria suck some cock? Because barring a miracle, she ain’t winning.” – Insyder KerryB
“Where’s the dark part of that?” – Insyder Chuckles
We get a flashback to Candice winning the Woman’s Title.. and here she comes! She raises up the belt…
“Why doesn’t she just wear a cowboy hat and call herself Trish?” – Dani
So she holds up the belt all happylike and heads over to the commentating position.
“NOOOOOO!” – Me
Now though.. Melina giving a strange pose.
“She stole that right from Mortal Kombat.” – Me
Where is she.. Where she is…
THERE SHE IS! MARIA! Whering that strange Andre half singlet.
“I don’t get it.” – Dani
“I don’t care.” – Bill
MELINA vs. MARIA
Thank God… Maria’s here.
They go talking in the ring, smacktalking… And Maria goes airborn. Thesz Press onto Melina! Nice. She gets to her feet and Melina clotheslines her. Picks her up and sets up for a slingshot… no? A GIANT SWING?!?!
“Shades of 1985.” – Me
“Because, really what we’ve been missing in wrestling is the Helicopter Spin.” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
Melina then rubs Maria’s face into the mat. Then the half surfboard and a kick to the head. Melina then grabs Maria’s hair and kicks her in the face. Not nice at all.
Melina is distracted by Candice, and Maria kicks her in the back. Melina then picks her up by one arm and pounds into her back and a short suplex, continuing to pound her in the back.
Shoulderchecks from Maria and a quick elbow. A hard kneeshot and a HUGE bulldog! Nice! Tosses Melina to the corner. Heads in after her but Melina kicks out of it…
Melina stands up and hits Maria with The Crying Game!
“WHAT IS THAT?!” – Dani
“The first move they teach the girls.” – Hernandez
WINNER: MELINA (Boooooo)
“I guess Melina has the time to beat now at…oh shit I wasn’t keeping track.” – Insyder The Titan
Melina and Candice taunt each other outside the ring and Melina goes after her and Candice ends up tossing her into the barricade. Then heads to the table and raises the title all pompous like.
She needs to work on being a face champion.” – Hernandez
“She’s a sore winner.” – Me
Coming up.. Santino vs. Umaga..
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:42
At New Years Revolution – Triple H lost his leg. Hey!
“My leg.. my career.. my nose!?” – Hernandez
Hey… I’m seeing Triple H in a tube and in a wheelchair and I can’t hear a note of Creed. Awesome.
“Think this is just the same footage as last time?” – Dani
“First segment they’ve done, and already I’m sick of hearing about Trip’s recovery.” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
“Maybe thats because Angle tore his quad this morning, but he’s fine. He’s jumping.” – Insyder JP
So we see a brief bit of the surgery.
“I’m not under yet.. I’m not under yet.. I’m not OW OW OW” – Hernandez
In the back, Dusty, Hacksaw, and some kid… Cody? No shit.
“Dusty Rhodes has another son? Goldust 2?” – Insyder The Titan
Randy comes up and explains that one day he can be just like him.. a generational wrestler.
“I got bags in the back we can test it out on.” – Me
Cody tells him to stay away from his father. Dusty then calls him disrespectful… Orton slaps him and Cody shows just a little bit of emotion. Just a little though.
We now get a flashback on how Santino won the title from Umaga on my birthday.
Hey look.. it’s that Italian guy.. from Hoboken.
HEY! MARIA! She’s holding ice to her neck. Ponytail for the win.
“oowwie.” – Hernandez
“I’ll kiss it.” – Me
Maria then tells Santino she doesn’t have to go out there and face Umaga.
“But before I go out there… put the icepack on your breasts.” – Hernandez
“How many more times does Santino Marella have to face Umaga and Crith Mathters?” – Insyder The Titan
“17,439.” – Insyder JP
“17,441. 2008 and 2012 are leap years, remember?” – Insyder bluelobster
Then as he’s going to leave.. he gives her a quick peck.
“OW!” – Hernandez
“I want Regal to come out, take Umaga out of the match, and say “Fuck you ya little Italian bastard…I’m in this match!”” – Insyder Fn_Irony
COMMERICAL FOUR – 9:53
Here comes Umaga!
“Umaga still reminds me of the hungry hungry hippos game.” – Insyder The Titan
“Greatest wrestling music ever.” – Dani
SANTINO MARELLA vs. UMAGA
Seriously, leave it on Santino
“Excuse me, Miss in the 23rd row, nobody cares about your Jeff Hardy sign.” – Me
“…I do.” – Hernandez
Santino charges in into a waistlock and Umaga pushes him off.
Back on their feet Santino hits a few snapkicks into Umaga’s back knee. Third one Umaga catches.
Goes for the splash and Santino isn’t there. A slide kick sends Umaga out. Santino goes to go through the ropes to attack Umaga, but Umaga grabs him and THROWS him to the outside. Ow.
Umaga then squishes his face on the corner post and sends him back in and there goes the nerve pinch.
UMAGA HOLD SPO..nevermind…
Umaga throws Santino in to the corner, charges and nobody’s there and the snapkicks come flying. Three with the last to his head! Goes for the pin and gets thrown out of the ring.
Santino leaps and is caught for the samoan slam! OWWIE! Shoulder and neck get crunched… Umaga now sets up the butt bump and Santino is down.
Thumb poke of death is readied…
One.. Two… Three… That is that.
“What the hell ever happend to Armando Alejandro Estrada?” – Insyder The Titan
“He sells Oranges outside the stadium.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
WINNER & NEW IC CHAMP: UMAGA
“Makes sense.” – Hernandez
“But now he looks like a paper champ.” – Me
(for further understanding of that joke.. listen to the RabbleCast!)
Umaga grabs the belt in his teeth and to the back he goes.
“HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO IS EATING THE TITLE!” – Insyder The Titan
Who is coming out now though, King ‘Wide Eyed’ Bookah.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:03
“Why doesn’t the opponent just run around the outside of the ring until the time runs out. put the Benny Hill music to that and we have comedy gold” – Insyder Soak1313
Here comes Bookster and his opponent… Valbowski!?
“Val Venis? On the second half of RAW? Armageddon is upon us!” – Insyder Fn_Irony
“Val Venis? Holy crap, I didn’t realize there was temporal anomaly over Dallas tonight.” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
“val venus….REALLY?” – Insyder Soak1313
“We’ve got Val Venis in the 2nd half of the show, William Regal as the authority figure… I love time travel.” – Insyder bluelobster
“Would be funny if Kaientai came out to distract Val!” – Insyder Fn_Irony
KING BOOKAH vs. VAL VENIS!
“Are those new tights?” – Jeffrey
“No, those are the same purple ones..” – Me
(They’re green as a note)
So the match starts. Waistlock from Val – runs Book to the ropes and Book holds on turns around and the superkick to Val.
Booker in the corner.. Val hits a side suplex!
6:00 to go.
Side suplex from Val. Throws Book to the ropes and eats a clothesline for two. Booker throws Val right into the post shoulder first. Kick to Val’s gut, and wraps him in an armlock.
5:00 to go.
After Book gets up, Val crawls and Booker follows choking him on the rope. Snap suplex for two. Back on their feet, Val tries to fight out of it, hits the ropes and eats a back elbow.
4:00 to go.
Two count from Booker and the sidestep kick, ducked by Val, he hits the ropes and kicks Book in the gut. Hits the ropes again, ducks the high leg. Clotheslines Booker down. Back elbow. Reverse neckbreaker and Val is way on top right now!
Back on their feet, he eats a throws a bunch of chops.. charges in and eats a knee. Book throws the back kick and then the axe kick! The end!
WINNER: BOOKER T at 4:30
Shit.. they gave Sharmel the mic.
In the back, Kennedy and Super Crazy are hanging out… fun!
Kennedy tries to explain to Super how he needs to beat him really fast. He asks Super Crazy to lay down for him. Super Crazy even agrees.. ‘si!’
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:18
And it’s time for our debut of Kennedy on RAW!
Now as Mister Kenney goes to introduce himself…. Super Crazy interrupted the entire affair!
MR KENNEDY vs. SUPER CRAZY
KENNEDY ON RAW!
Clock starts and Kennedy asks for him to move.. so he can call down the mic. He tells Crazy to never ever ever … ever ever.. ever interrupt him.. and he is..
CRAZY ROLLS HIM UP!
ONE – TWO – THREE!
WINNER: SUPER CRAZY IN LIKE 10 SECONDS!
“Super Crazy should go to face Cena!” – Hernandez
“I wish.” – Me
“I look forward to Super Crazy challenging John Cena for the title at GAB.” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
Good way to get around Kennedy’s injury… funny match and gives Crazy a nice little win. I’m ok with it.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:24
In the back Sharmel is talking to Shelton. Booker explains that they have been comrades for a long time. What Booker wants is for Shelton to not worrying about winning. He wants Shelton to wait it out.
If Shelton does it, he’ll get the first chance for the belt.
At the end, Booker holds his hand out… Shelton takes it.. and kisses it bemusedly.
Also in the back, Dusty and Todd are talking. Dusty wants Orton to meet him in the ring next week.
“I’ll have Saphiii wit me..” – Me
“No. Bad.” – Jeffrey
“Dusty better wear the f*cking polka dots!” – Insyder Fn_Irony
NOW in the back, Carlito is talking to some random blonde about Sandman. Sandman shows up and explains him how much he likes to fight. Sandman drinks beer. Carlito eats apple.
Sandman likes to fight. Carlito is cool. And Sandman then spits beer in his eyes.
“Why is a spitting contest between Sandman and Carlito awesome? I don’t know, but it is.” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
Ron Simmons is there when Carlito turns around.. and Carlito sees what’s coming.. his face makes the bit here..
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:32
“Man this has been a pretty enjoyable RAW” – Insyder Soak1313
“Yeah, I have mostly enjoyed it. Something is really wrong here.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Its almost like they’re trying to…distract us…from something, i just can’t think what it is!” – Insyder JP
“Someone ran over Austin again? Damnit!” – Insyder Kromadas
“Rikishi did it…for the Rock.” – Insyder JP
Carlito spits in the face of those who don’t wanna be cool.
Now… Entrance longer than a match… Sandman!
Sandman walks the wall and drinks some beer.
CARLITO vs. THE SANDMAN
Lock up to start. Long lock-up.. Kicks to Sandman now… Sandman pushes him forward and throws him to the ropes. Carlito rolls to the outside and chokes her him on the top rope. Now back in the ring goes to just beatings.
Chinlock from Carlito. Elbows following up and then right back to the chinlock.
Sandman elbows his way out of it and tosses Carlito to the corner and charges, but eats the back elbow.
Carlito now with the kendo stick, but Sandman grabs it from him and clocks Carlito with it! The end.
WINNER via DQ: CARLITO
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
And now the man in whom there is no stopping now…
BOBBY LASHLEY vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Why does Lashley only fight black people?
4:30 to beat.
Bell rings and Shelton stays away from Lashley.. dancing around the ring with him. Lashley finally grabs him and sends him to the mat, amateur style. Pin for two.
Short suplex for two. FInally Shelton bails.
4:00 to go.
Benjamin finally gets into the ring and kicks in the gut from Shelty. Lashley sends him to the ropes. Back body drop! Lashley charges and Shelty bails.
“Gonna have me some fun..
Gonna have me some fun…” – Hernandez
3:00 to go.
Shelton FINALLY gets back into the ring. Lashley tries to come after him and Shelty drops back out. Finally Lashley comes after Shelton and Shelt goes back INTO the ring.
Lashley catches up with him. Shelt fights out of it, another back body drop and Shelty lands behind, and drops him with a nasty lil DDT.
2:00 to go.
Shelty goes for the clothesline. Ducked and a t-bone toss. Now Shelty gets up and a couple clotheslines keeps him down. THrows him to the corner and he eats the shouldertackle. Lashley keeps him up and drops to his knees.
“Silly.” – Hernandez
Lashley goes for the pin. 2.
1:00 to go.
Lashley has Shelton up in the torture rack! Shelty slips out! Goes for the spin kick. Caught. Picked up and dropped behind him. Slams down Lashley!
“You beat Triple H!” – Hernandez
30 seconds left and Shelty is staring down at Lashley.. thinks about it.. heads up to the top rope and leaps into a spear!!!
WINNER: BOBBY LINDSAY – Hernandez
“Lashley Vs. Cena for the title at GAB? Man…guess what PPV I’m not f*cking buying!” – Insyder Fn_Irony
“Taboo Tuesday?” – Insyder Kromadas
“Over the Edge?” – Insyder bluelobster
“STARRCADE MUTHA FUCKA!” – Insyder Fn_Irony
Solid lil match. Cena vs. Bobby at G.A.B. now here comes Cena for the contract signing.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
“Just in case you’ve forgotten.. I Am The Game”
And they are using the ‘This is Our Time’ song for Triple H’s own personal video montage. Coming soon.
“Coming soon.. he’s in the gorilla position.” – Me
“Hell, he made that promo.” – Me
Here comes Regal!
“What’s Regal doing out there?” – Jeffrey
“Being evil and british!” – Me
“Being…… nauuughty.” – Hernandez
Regal introduces the challenger. The man who just won the Beat THe Clock challenge.
“Who?” – Me
“Say my name again! I like it when you say it..” – Hernandez
LATE ENTRY SIGN OF THE NIGHT:
THE SIGN GUY STOLE MY HAND
Lashley looks over the contract.
“Gonna get me some poke mon…” – Hernandez
Here comes Cena! He explains right off that he knows who Lashley is.. and this match is going to be great. He’s looking forward to it.
“OH YEAH! … OH YEAH! … YER A NICE PERSON!” – Me
“OH YEAH! I PUT OUT MY RAICHU!” – Hernandez
“RAICHU!? Snorlax bro! He’s holdin ALL THE POKEMONS!” – Me
“Anyone else see the Lashley/Cena staredown and just not get the same feeling ya did with Warrior/Hogan?” – Insyder Fn_Irony
Before this gets signed… Kennedy and Booker come and charge in! Cena attacks Kennedy and Cena kicks him out. Booker T gets tossed by Lashley and we’re clear of bad guys as Cena signs the paper.
Cena turns. SPEAR! The end… with Bobby holding the title above his head.
That. Is. That.
What did the Insyders think of the show?
“Show tonight = eh” – Kromadas
“Good RAW overall” – Insyder soak1313
“Overall, not a bad show. They successfully distracted me from whatever they wanted to distract me from.” – Insyder The Titan
“This week’s show needed more DX…otherwise it was good.” – Insyder DarkStar
What did the Rabblers think of the show?
“IT was a nice change of pace.” – Jeffrey
“Sennorrrrrr KENNEDY” – Bill
“I want to know what f*cking show Jeffrey’s been walking.” – Hernandez
“I liked it. Nice solid show. Back to basics. Vince recognizes people are watching tonight, so give them wrestling. ” – Me