Welcome To My Nightmare

Here’s the final installment of the Summer Blockbuster series, as produced by you, my favorite people (which even includes Cory from Jim Trebold’s Ultimate Marvel Handbook, oddly enough). We’ve got one more movie from Jackson Moore, and then we have a different sort of beast from ML Kennedy, who writes for the Popcorn Junkies zone of insidepulse.com. Let’s get to it…assuming you’ve turned off the cell phones. And that includes iPhones! In fact, you should heave yourself off the nearest balcony if you shelled out $500-$600 for a phone and an additional $60 for the service plan, plus additional fees for existing contracts. Does the iPhone cure cancer? No. Does the iPhone create peace in the Middle East? No. Does the iPhone exonerate Superman’s bastard child who murders people with pianos? Hell no. So yes, if you bought an iPhone, you are an IDIOT, and I am extremely happy to point that out.

Here we go with Jackson Moore’s masterpiece:

Runaways

While the comic book is fairly new, it has a big fanbase and could become a huge teen movie franchise. Marvel would team up with MTV Films to push it to the teen/college crowd.

Synopsis- The movie would combine the “Pride and Joy” arc with the “The Good Die Young” arc. After the credits role, the final pages of the “Eighteen” issue would play ala X-Men 3.

Cast:
Alex Wilder= Tahj Mowry: He was everyones favorite 10 year old wiz kid on WB’s “Smart Guy”. Since Alex was somewhat, the brains on the Runaways, who better to play the turncoat? Plus I want to see how he’d pull off a big turn.

Nico Minoru: Cassie Steele. I love the show Degrassi:The Next Generation and have fallen in love with Cassie “Manuela Santos” Steele. She can pull of the sorrowful nature of Nico and the full on rage of Nico as well. Plus she’s hot.

Chase Stein: Shia Lebeouf. He s the Hollywood “It Boy” right now and it would be the perfect role for him. He can play the smartass with the heart of gold. Hell I’ve seen him do it plenty of times.

Molly Hayes: Abigail Breslin. Lil’ Miss Sunshine would….well shine in the role of the naive Molly.

Karolina Dean: Amanda Bynes. She’s well known but she hasn’t really had that breakout role yet. With Hairspray coming out this year, her name will be all over the place and who wouldn’t want to capitalize on her rising star. Plus Karolina’s a lesbian.

Gertrude Yorkes: Hayden Paniterre. She’s a great actress and is used to playing a hero. But this role would be a complete change for her. Have her put on a few pounds, change her hair color, and toss on the nose ring. She can do the angst with Gert’s synicism.

The Wilders: Kevin Michael Richards & Vivica A. Fox. The only set of parents getting the most screen time would be Alex’s Parents. And with the way Geoffrey Wilder is drawn, Kevin Michael Richards is spot on. He’s got a hot wife and Vivica is hot.

From there the show could easily be turned into a TV show for MTV or CW to follow up Smallville.

I need to get meaner. I keep my fingers crossed, wishing someone would pick some horrible actor for a completely miscast role. Like Tom Green for Hal Jordan, Jack Black for Wally West and Tom Arnold for the Riddler. But you guys never do. No, you guys have me figured out. You cast yourselves into my abyss and relish in it. How else can I justify posting a movie idea that features Hayden Pantierre and Amanda Bynes? With Bynes playing the lesbian character, no less? I think what disappoints me the most, Jackson, is that this is ONLY a fun little exercise of fantasy Hollywood tomfoolery. Because damn it, Amanda Bynes and Hayden Pantierre are crazy smokin’ hot and Hayden is probably illegal and what I’m picturing–using Hayden for the Skrull shapeshifter girlfriend/boyfriend of Karolina instead–makes me a dirty bastard. But hmmmm-mmm that would be one fine looking cast. With Vivica A. Fox to boot! It might not win an Oscar, but it would SWEEP the MTV and Blockbuster Awards! Don’t be a stranger, Jackson! Ya done good!

And now for something completely different. What follows is a long, detailed treatment for X4 by our own ML Kennedy, as he continues the X-Franchise. It doesn’t follow our usual format, but he put so much effort it begs to be read. So get reading!

X4

We open in Scotland, 3:15 PM. There is a beautiful outdoor wedding on rolling green hills. The bride is walking down a makeshift aisle. She stops halfway, and scratches her face. Did she forget to pluck?

Guest are stunned, as she turns into a what looks to be a werewolf-style creature.

The bride sighs, and whispers, “Bollocks.”

Cut to:
New Orleans, 10:15 AM
A couple is sitting together in a dingy apartment. It looks as though they never went to bed last night. The man sweet talks the woman, showing a hint of a Cajun accent. We see that the woman is Rogue.

All this time, the man is masterfully throwing playing cards into a hat. Rogue asks, “How do you do that?” He answers that “it’s all in the fingers. You still don’t know all that these fingers can do.”

The Cajun holds Rogue’s face, spitting out cornball lines about her beauty, but then stops abruptly. What’s going on?

It takes just a second for Rogue to realize. She runs to a closed door, and stands with her back to the Cajun, whom she calls Remy. She’s apologizing this whole time.

“Remy, there is something I should tell you.”

Just then the door upon which she was leaning EXPLODES.

Remy: There’s something I should probably tell you too.

Cut to a newscast:
Details are given for the funeral of the mutant”curing” kid from X3. Lots of cameos and hidden stuff in a long funeral shot. He was pronounced dead a 7:15 AM in Los Angeles on whatever day. This triggered a rash of “cured” mutants, regaining there powers and running amok. A wave of murders, suicides, and rioting struck the entire wold as families were torn apart and so on and so on. As a nation, we are still mourning the loss of the small hamlet of Bendis, Connecticut, which was incinerated by the unexpected return of a young mutant’s power.

Then we get into the meat of the story. It’s two weeks later. Rogue and Remy go to the X-mansion to find an overwhelmed Beast running things. We see Wolfsbane (from the fist scene) is helping him out, and she throws off a line about having lived a lie and so on. Also assisting Beast is a mutant named Xorn. His is too powerful for his own good, as it is said that he has a star for a head, and must wear a special suit and iron mask to contain his powers.

Anyways, Wolverine is off somewhere, Prof X pseudo-retired after his pseudo-death, Storm is off somewhere in Egypt doing god-knows what. Beast agrees to let Rogue and Remy stay there in exchange for help. Mutant activity has been out of control for a fortnight. Remy and Rogue agree to help. Beast says “thank goodness. It seems as though every second another mutant shows up at my door in need of help.”

Just then, of course, who should speed to Beasts door but one Mr. Maximoff. He’s wearing a costume close to his comic book Quicksilver getup. He introduces himself as Magneto’s son, and requests usage of Cerebro to find his missing father.

Quicksilver: May I use Cerebro?

Beast: Yes, but I’m afraid that it will only function as an impractical bike helmet. You see, it requires the use of a powerful telepath. At the moment, we are fresh out.

Quicksilver vows to return.

Since the last movie, Iceman, Colossus, Kitty and Jubilee have formed a mutant crime task force based out of the school. They are even building a brig for the mansion to lock up mutants to powerful for regular jail. We see a badass Danger room scene. We also see Kitty being a big dork and studying X-mansion blueprints and all sorts of charts. Kitty and Colossus are coupled.

Iceman isn’t too keen on this Remy character, naturally. He’s greasy and has a Sawyer from LOST quality about him.

We follow Quicksilver as he speeds off to what looks like an upscale burlesque house. He busts into a posh suite. In there we find a beautiful blonde sitting on a chair reading a magazine. She is sitting next to a bed. On the bed is a fully dressed man in a trance. She holds her hand on his forehead as though she were taking his temperature.

Quicksilver: Emma, I’m sorry if I’ve interrupted.

Emma: No bother. We’re just having sex. He’s doing okay, for him. I’m fantastic, though.

Anyway Emma agrees to help Quicksilver look for his father, and they return to the X-mansion. Emma remarks that she can’t read Xorn’s mind. Quicksilver: Oh, he’s got a star for a head.

Emma: Oh.

Beast warns her of the dangers of using Cerebro and hands her an instruction manual the size of a phonebook written by old Charley.

Before she gets to test it out, Xorn surreptitiously arranges a meeting with her and Quicksilver.

Meanwhile, Rogue and Remy help out with Iceman’s task force. Some evil muties are stealing some hi tech gizmos. Just as it seems as though Jubilee is going to be shot by one of the bad guys, an exploding playing card knocks the gun from his hand.

Remy says. “Now, I just threw the rules of poker at you. If you make me throw another card at you, I won’t be able to play poker with this deck.”

The mutant responds, “If you just threw the 2s through 8s, you could still play euchre.” He then vanishes.

On the Task Force’s way back to the mansion, their X-vehicle explodes. It’s an inside job, sabotage. Ice man suspects Remy as a traitor. Jubilee trusts him. There is dissent in the team.

Meanwhile Emma keeps on using Cerebro, but can’t find Magneto. And why is she taking so many notes?

A danger room mission turns sour, and all signs point to more sabotage by Remy. Tempers are flared. The news shows terrorist style footage of a video from Magneto. He claims responsibility for the mutant crime wave and says that his followers have planted bombs all throughout the miles of New York’s Sewer system. He knows that bombs aren’t a very clever or mutantly thing to do, but it has come to this. The humans have 36 hours to evacuate New York City or it will be leveled, killing all but the powerful mutants.

Kitty has been putting two and two together this whole time. She goes to tell Beast of her suspicions, and finds Quicksilver beating the holy hell out of him. Kitty runs away , and is chased by Quicksilver. Quicksilver taunts her feeble attempts at running. A fight scene ensues, but Quicksilver is too fast for Kitty to hit. Kitty is too intangible for Quicksilver to hit.

Quicksilver walks up to Kitty and says, “I guess this means stalemate, you little brat?

Kitty says, “Not quite” makes a distracting movement, grabs the unsuspecting Quicksilver, and phases both of them through the floor into the brig.

Kitty walks out of the cell finding Xorn leaving Quicksilver locked up. Just then Xorn appears. He goes to unlock the cell. Kitty pleads with him, asking what he is doing. He smacks her down and starts monologuing, classic villain mistake.

As it turns out, Emma wasn’t looking for Magneto. Xorn has known where Magneto was all along. Emma was rounding up an army of like-minded mutants for Magneto’s cause. He is unstoppable. Magneto has grown in power, even before the death of (Whatever X3 mutant curer was called). Why I killed that boy just so he would take me back. Xorn removes his helmet and suit, revealing Mystique!

Then we have a giant third act climax, in which Kitty saves Colossus, Colossus saves Kitty, Remy and Iceman learn to work with each other, Wolfsbane does some nifty werewolf fighting, and Rogue absorbs multiple mutant powers at the same time with awesome results.

Thanks, ML. I still think there’s a lot of potential in the X-Men franchise, but I gotta admit, I wouldn’t be to wild about a Grant Morrison-centric story. The whole Xorn thing rubs me the wrong way. Granted, I like that you have Mystique in the suit at the end. But I just don’t think Grant’s stuff lends itself well to mass-market appeal, and as much as we may wish otherwise, Hollywood’s not going to make a X-Sequel strictly to appeal to the comic readers. I think the next step is to shuffle the deck. Bring in Havok, Forge, Bishop, etc. to round out the team after all of the deaths in X-3. Utilize the Hellfire Club, adding Mr. Sinister as the White King in Magneto’s stead, and make Gambit his lieutenant. Gambit as a bad guy is the nod to the fans like many of my readers, who can’t stand the character. White Queen will never be a reasonable hero. I know I’ll catch some comments for this, but she still dresses like a whore, only now she’s parading around in front of students at the school. Not just older alumni like Colossus and Iceman either, but the New Mutants, the kids and teenagers. If I had a math teacher that came to class every day looking like a dominatrix, I wouldn’t have learned a damned thing.

I despise the way they use her in the comics, but wouldn’t have any problem with her in a movie as long as they did the right thing and made her a villain. After all, I watched a family bring their kids — their young, under 12 years of age kids — to “V for Vendetta” so they’ll probably bring them to see the all new X-Men 4: When Mutant Whores Attack. The X-Universe, perhaps more than the rest of the Marvel Universe (though not by much) needs a Crisis on Infinite Zero Hours hard reboot. Poor editorial control and writers going too many different directions have made things so convoluted that I wash my hands of the whole thing. I enjoy the X-Movies on their own merits, and would likely find mch to enjoy in this one, as long as I could convince myself that it wasn’t overly Morrisoned. Look, I made a verb!

Morrisoned, v. 1) To write or create something so bizarre it could only come from Grant Morrison. 2) Being overtly English while retaining a confusing twist and disturbing images. Also, Morrisonesque, Morrisoning

And there we are! Another summer of comic blockbuster goodness. Everyone did a great job, and I appreciate ML Kennedy sharing his extensive X4 idea. Next week, hopefully, probably, I will bring you an interview I conducted with Rich Bernatovech, writer and creator of The Sentinels, a terrific independent series I picked at the Pittsburgh Comicon. He’s a great guy and his series is outstanding. Read the interview, get some copies of the Sentinels, and thank me later. Or thank me now, I’m good either way. After that I think I’ll rant a little, and I have another idea for a reader-participation concept that I think will be lots o’ fun. Oh yeah, almost forgot, probably won’t be doing a column the week of July 15th as I’m taking vacation. I don’t know where I’m going, but I gotta get out of Dodge, know what I mean? In the meantime, let me recommend the following, in no particular order: Jicima, Sports Night – The Complete Series on DVD, chili, soy milk, any show with Nathan Fillion in it (watch fast, Fox will kill it), independent comics, The Boondock Saints, Silver Surfer: Requiem and not staying up until 6:30 am messing around with your baseball rosters on the PS2 when you gotta be somewhere at 10.

Welcome to my nightmare.