RAW IS JUNK: GRUT’s Live Late Coverage

Show started with Booker T vs. Lashley. Kennedy interfered. Now it’s a handicapped main event unless Lashley can find a partner. May I propose Santino? Yay!

Coach is talking with Regal. Everyone loves everyone but Coach wants Regal to fight Sandman. He gets all huffy about fighting a ruffian who drinks beer. Then he exposes himself to Coach.

IC Champion Umaga comes out. He has to do battle with Santino. No one cares about Santino, but he’s very nice about letting Umaga destroy him. Someone hits a tope. Do people still do topes? I think I forget what a tope is. Tope. Heh. Oh, here comes Maria. STONE COLD STUNNER ON UMAGA BY MARIA! HOLY CRAP! She’s calling for a beer, toasting Umaga, ANOTHER STUNNER! Well, at least that’s the show I’d like to watch. Maria is watching Santino get crushed. Yep, it’s still happening. Maria show go back to the look she had when she first came on the show. She was hotter. There’s something different now. Still going. Still going. Santino’s coming back, but an Umaga Sweet Savage Music ends that. Ass to the head time. It’s like a violent stinkface. Maria’s still pretty hot. Umaga thumbs the crap out of Santino’s throat and pins him. YAY! Umaga wins! JR asks King if there was ever a more dominating champion. King shrugs and goes back to his book. Maria pets Santino.

Bobby Lashley is looking for a partner! Who will he choose now that Santino is defeated?

I somehow just lost my tag team match report I wrote. Well, Cade and Murdoch beat the Highlanders and Maria is going to get raped by Santino. YAY! Also, Maria’s once cute facial expressions are now getting annoying.

Charlie Haas is making fun of Shelton Benjamin (it’s his birthday). Shelton is being mocked for kissing Booker’s hand. Shelton says if he loses his match tonight he’ll kiss Charlie on the lips. Charlie says, “You’re on!” Then he gets a confused look on his face. I think that’s kind of funny. For two guys who can’t cut a promo they did a great job with a little skit there. Maybe it’s time for creative to give them another look.

Cena video. He loves to do what he do (roids?). You either love him or hate him, which is strange, cause I could care less about him either way. I like his song though. I like the horns.

You know that black midget movie star? I forget his name? He’s been around for awhile and he blew up after Bad Santa, but now it’s where you can tell a movie will be horrible if he’s in the preview.

Snitsky is coming preview. Oh! And there he comes to the ring. He’s fighting, well, I’ll guess Super Crazy before anyone comes out. DAMN! Nailed it! They’ve got so many talented guys who don’t look like they’ve been roiding and they job them out to guys like Snitsky. Brilliant Vince! THIS is what you want your critics to see. I’ll be shocked if the winner makes it to 50. Snitsky continues to beat Crazy after the match. Snitsky has bright yellow teeth. Great.

Hey, remember last week when Dusty Rhodes got slapped by Randy Orton? We get to see it again.

HHH is coming back for 14 months and then tearing his quad again.

Dusty is confronting Randy to set up their match at GAB to set up the Little Rhodes vs. Little Orton match. They show shots of little kids as Dusty comes out. I mean nothing but crowd shots of little kids (and one 50 year old guy in glasses). Trying to build some sympathy production truck?

I know I should love Dusty, but I tune out when he speaks. Randy has a very cool new shirt. Dusty rambles, the crowd pops after something he says. Whatever. Same old Randy vs. a legend promo. Dusty’s forehead is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Randy says it’s either you or Cody at the Great American Bash. Dusty wants a Texas Bull Rope match. Cody comes into the ring. Cody stares down a MUCH taller Orton, slaps him, and everybody stands their ground. Randy leaves. HUGE Cody chant. That was good at the end.

Shelton Benjamin and that no good Survivor ruining, Vince McMahon moment destroying Paul London are out to have a match. Damn is London incredible in the ring though. A WWE in which these two could fight at the top of the card and go as hard as they want would be a WWE I could get behind again. They’ve having a very good match, albeit with an armbar or two. London gets a sneaky roll up victory.

Kennedy attacks an injured Super Crazy. Candice and a gorgeous Mickey James are coming to the ring.

We’re back and Shelton has to kiss Charlie. No, nobody kisses anyone, but they hug and Ron Simmons says damn. You know, because two men hugging are gay. HAHAHAHA! Gay people. Funny stuff creative team. Gays.

Mickie and Candice are out. Mickie looks UNBELIEVABLE! Candice looks okay. Melina looks super, super hot. Hey! Beth Phoenix is back! Good to see her again. Damn. Why is Candice the least attractive one? She’s the attractive one, right? Wait, not sure how I feel about Beth Phoenix. Her breasts are, well, too big. I guess I like the natural look better. Candice looks pretty good with some dropkicks. Russian legsweep. Backslide wins it for Candice. Beth Phoenix is pissed. Heel beat down. Maria would be out to help the good guys but Santino is busy raping her. Melina is about to pop out of her top. Nice. In summary, I barely noticed they were wrestling. And Mickey James looks very hot. It would be awesome if creative would let her be a good guy psycho lesbian.

Triple H is still coming back.

“He, and by proxy you, will be victorious tonight.” Booker T is great.

Here comes the Sandman, busting himself open on the way to the ring. It’s funny when you see the little kids want to slap the hand of the bleeding beer covered man. Regal jumps all over Sandman, and he looks GREAT. Carlito accusing Sandman of being drunk. Sandman chants start? Wow! Sandman goes nuts on everyone with the Singapore cane. Regal wins via DQ. Play Sandman’s music!

When we come back we’ll talk to John Cena live from Larry King! What’s he doing there? Who knows? Who cares? Probably nothing.

Bobby Lashley, who sounds like crap when he talks, has a promo video. They skip over his liver problems.

Generic promo from John Cena who was on Larry King to promote his movie The Marine on DVD.

Booker out first. Commercials. Kennedy out. Not much time for a match. Here comes Lashley. His partner is… Jeff Hardy! Well. That’s… unexpected. Holy crap! It’s Jeff Hardy and Bobby Lashley! Now, nothing has been proven about Bobby Lashley, but I’m going to call their team Methoroids. Or Heroids. Steroine? I like Steroine. I’m done with this. Let’s assume Hardy and Lashley win when Lashley pins Booker T.

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