JunkNewsEditorial! Kevin Sullivan Did It!

Before I begin I’d like to point out that I’m not a wise man or an educated man or a good man. When I’m called in to solve a suspected double homicide/suicide I look at the facts. I don’t try to form opinions, I don’t think about the evidence I see, I only pay attention to the facts of the case. In the case of the Benoit family murders, the facts lead me to only one possible answer: Kevin Sullivan did it.

What’s that you say? You ask if I am a maniac? Well, is former wrestler Johnny Lee Clary (better known by all of us as Johnny Angel) a maniac? Mr. Clary has spent years building up a trust by presenting a level of integrity never before seen in the world of professional wrestling. Mr. Clary sent out a press release via his blog on MySpace stating that Kevin Sullivan should be investigated in this case. According to the world renown Johnny Angel Kevin Sullivan is a devil worshiper, a fact backed up by Hulk Hogan (although he said it in reference to Nancy because he’s classy). Several legit news sources have picked up this tidbit, and thank God for them because they’re 100% right!

Let’s check out the facts:

1. Kevin Sullivan worships Satan.
2. Kevin Sullivan owns a restaurant in Florida. Really? A restaurant? More like a steroid factory where he makes and distributes and takes steroids! Could you imagine the rage of the tiny man with all those steroids in him?
3. This is a shocker. Nancy was once MARRIED to Kevin Sullivan and in fact divorced him to be with Chris Benoit!
4. Chris Benoit QUIT as champion of WCW when Sullivan was in charge of the booking!
5. Those two events must’ve pissed off Kevin sumtin’ sore.
6. Kevin Sullivan fought Chris Benoit many times, thus must be familiar with the Crossface, the move used to kill everyone in the house.
7. Kevin Sullivan was a part of The Alliance to End Hulkamania. That’s just evil!
8. Kevin Sullivan also had to deal with a mentally challenged blood relative, Evad Sullivan.
9. Kevin Sullivan has shifty eyes.
10. Kevin Sullivan was involved with Sherri Martel, Nancy Benoit, Miss Elizabeth, Johnny Grunge, Eddie Guerrero, The Renegade, The Third Doink and John Tenta and now they’re all dead. Coincidence?
11. He got really angry when I stood in his restaurant and screamed, “MURDERER! ADMIT IT! YOU KILLED THEM! ANOTHER G AND T! MURDERER!” Doth he protest too much?
12. All professional wrestlers get drugged up and beat on women and kids.
13. The stress of being on the road with WCW ate his brain.

And there you have it. Kevin Sullivan clearly killed all three of them and framed it so it would look like Benoit did it. Mainstream media, if you are reading this I’d be happy to go on your shows and talk about my very sane opinion. It’s not that I want to be on tv, that’s not why I wrote this incredibly illuminating and 100% true column. It’s that I want Kevin Sullivan to pay for what he did.

Kevin Sullivan, if you can hear me, or rather if you’re reading this, or if somebody tells you about this column, you disgust me. I have no stomach for those who commit triple murders and worship Satan. Murderer. MURDERER! YOUR STEAKS ARE OVERPRICED! MURDERER! MURDERRRRRRRRRER!

That’s where the column ended, but I have to fill you in with a late update. Last night I had a dream where Kevin Sullivan and Satan were trying to kill me with the Crossface! I ran away and then they French kissed. Kevin Sullivan was wearing a shirt that said, “I DID IT!” Satan was wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. I hope you accept this as further proof of Kevin Sullivan’s guilt.

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