John Cena (c) Vs. Bobby Lashley
Vinny Truncellito: I actually find this one quite interesting. Cena’s the merchandise-moving, kid-friendly super-face, but we all know Lashley is a pet project of McMahon’s. Hell, Vinnie Mac had his head shaved in putting Lashley over, and showed up repeatedly on ECW programming in his long feud with old Bobby. At this point I have to think that other than HHH, Lashley’s the only one with a shot of dethroning Hulk Cena.
Winner – Lashley
Mark Allen: Cena’s superhero push will continue until Orton beats him for the belt so Triple H can beat him for the belt. Either that or they’ll skip the middleman and just wait until Triple H wants it back.
Winner – Cena
Matthew Michaels: Uh oh…
Winner – Lashley
Kurtis R. Osterlund: The white black guy goes over, not the black white guy.
Winner – Still WWE champ, John Cena
Andrew Wheeler: Well, I’m handling my picks a little different this time then I normally do. First off, since this isn’t TNA, I’m going to try and not be all that harsh, since unlike TNA, the WWE is actually giving decent matches on a throwaway PPV. Second, I’m going to be looking at where the WWE might go from here, since the Great American Bash is a transition PPV. Now, onto the match. A lot of people should rightly give the WWE flack for giving away a major match on a meaningless PPV. Positioned properly, this could have main evented Summerslam or Survivor Series. Instead, it’s headlining the Bash and taking the fresh feeling off of the match-up. With that being said, the WWE has to be commended for making this feel like a big-time fight. They made sure this past week to minimize physicality again, ensuring that the fans aren’t able to see the two faces mix it up for free. They also put former champion analysis on going into every commercial break, something that added an extra level of intrigue to the bout. Unfortunately, the match itself isn’t going to live up to the mini-hype. The main reason that this isn’t going to be a blockbuster match is that the WWE isn’t going to blow its load with these two. Vince has a raging hard-on for Lashley and John Cena’s his unstoppable superman. It’s almost like Warrior/Hogan. Vince won’t give the fans a clean pin in this match because DQ’s lead to intrigue. Or something like that. The second reason this match won’t be good is that Bobby Lashley isn’t all that spectacular in the ring, and while Cena has produced marginally palatable matches with Lummoxes like Khali, merely average wrestling won’t satisfy the fans here. The reason to care about this match? The fan reaction. I wrote a column a few weeks ago about the fans booing Cena and I made a point that at least he’s eliciting some reaction from the audience. Lashley really doesn’t get the crowd on its feet the way a guy in his position should, but this match might get the audience to care about the guy. Hopefully, Vince will have his ears to the floor in this one, and if the fans continue to roar in apathy towards Lashley, the Chairman will realize that he needs to take a different course of action to get this guy over. As for the finish, I see it going to a DQ. A DQ makes sense because we haven’t seen a non-finish to a PPV main event in a while and it’s the only way for the WWE to give us a rematch and not make it feel stale. Most importantly, it keeps the belt on John Cena. With the death of Chris Benoit, the WWE has been using Cena as their poster child and spokesman. To his credit, John has been articulate and well informed. Putting Lashley out there would be a mistake because he sounds like Mike Tyson and had that “liver issueâ€Â. How should this match end? I’d love to see a Randy Orton run-in. Yeah, he’s supposed to be punished. Yeah, he’s a prick. My feelings on Orton were expressed in another column I wrote a few months back (being the shameless self-promoter that I am) where I talked about how a lot of the “evil Orton behavior†that people have ripped him for is probably a fabrication created by the WWE. We all expected Randy to get fed to Triple H at Summerslam, but it looks like that role’s going to Booker T. How do I see it? This match ends in a DQ, possibly leading to a triple threat match at Summerslam with Lashley/Cena/Orton. Orton picks up the gold in a major way by besting the two top guys on RAW and ending Cena’s impressive run would give him major credibility. Then, once Randy Orton’s top dog, it’s time for him to get flattened by Triple H at Survivor Series. Justice is served.
Winner – DQ Finish, Cena retains. Real winner: Triple H
Iain Burnside: OMG BUYRAT. Buy a rat. Call him Cena. Give him dried banana chips. And a pet snake. Called Lashley. Oooooh, the metaphorisical. On this day, I see clearly, everything still tastes like pie. Sorry, I’m just excited. This is officially the most stoke-inducing confrontation that any human being throughout the long, dark passage of time has ever conceived of and I must gather my comrades together to mutually masturbate one another whilst we watch it in our specially constructed Church of Hyperbole. What’s a Jericho? This match is so without fault that it will reduce Chuck Norris to tears and find a way to go back in time and stop Hitler from giving up on the painting. Only then Chuck Norris will appear in the 1930s right behind it anyway and roundhouse kick all of Hitler’s paintings into the gutter, since he has no time for congealing liquids. But THEN this match would be booked to face Chuck Norris in the pay-off, blow-off, rip-off finale of WrestleMania, where it would win with a thousand yard stare on account of being THAT FANTASTIC. This match broke up the Spice Girls and is already working on a way to do it again. It’s just fabby. We can only hope that it somehow involves weak-looking punches, conjures up a void of point, refuses to let the crowd get whipped into anywhere near as big a frenzy as Vince McMahon will be whilst observing it, and somehow remembers that it involves a belt that still looks like shit no matter how familiar. I can surf a tornado, but it burns when I pee, when I live for the moment, there’s no Benoit near me…
Winner – JOHN RAMBO CENA LOL BUY A T-SHIRT
Paul Beasley: As much as it pains me to say it, I’m hoping Cena comes away with the win here, purely because he’s more entertaining than Captain Girlyvoice MidgetEars. Of course, listening to a lecture on the inflation-controlling policies of the government of Bolivia between 1969 and 1985 while drilling a hole into your kneecap would be more entertaining than Lashley. He sucks more heat out of the universe than black holes. Having said all that, much as I’d prefer Cena to win, I’ve got a niggling feeling in the back of my skull that he won’t. Vinny clearly sees something in Lashley that the rest of us don’t, and I actually think they’ll put him over here. Couple that with the f*cktabulous mess they’re making of the SD title-scene, this could end up being the most depressing PPV in history.
Winner – Lashley. And anyone who placed bets on me sticking forks in my eyes.
Charles Joseph: It should be time for a change and we know Lashley is Vince’s bastard child. Cena needs to be freshened up by having him chase the title for awhile, probably until Summerslam. That and Milkdud’s are some of my favorite candy, and I don’t much care for Vanilla Ice, so
Winner: BOBBY Lashley
Danny Cox: They are purposely finding ways to make me root for Cena. Pitting him up against Khali for two months and now against Mr. Useless. When Lashley showed a hint of a heelish side during the contract signing, I began enjoying him for like five minutes. He speared Cena looked down at him and motioned he wanted the belt. He gave a big “f*ck you†look to the fans and motioned for the belt again. Holy hell he showed some personality. But then he went right back to nothingness the next week. Cena has held the belt for this long it isn’t going to be taken off him by a brick wall with arms.
Winner and STILL Champ – John Cena
Triple Threat Match
Khali (c) Vs. Kane Vs. Batista
Mark Allen: I really don’t care, just as long as Gary doesn’t continue to hold the belt. I’ll go with Kane though, it would nice to let him hold a Big one for more than a day. On a funny sidenote, I saw one of the Apter mags on the newsstand yesterday that talked about how winning the Big Gold Belt is a curse and Edge shouldn’t want the belt. For once their kayfabe crap worked out in their favor I guess.
Mark Allen – Kane
Matthew Michaels: Uh oh…
Winner – DAVE
Kurtis R. Osterlund: Why did all the good wrestlers have to die/get injured? Because of the lack of creativity from the writers, the evil foreign guy wins. God help us now.
Winner – Still World champion, The Great Khali
Andrew Wheeler: The curse of the world heavyweight championship continues! I personally was looking forward to a long and successful Edge run, but now he’s been struck with a somewhat serious injury and is out indefinitely. Wow, Smackdown just keeps getting its ass kicked with injuries. So, instead of what could have been a pretty good Edge/Kane match, we’re getting the Colossal Collision. More appropriately, we’re getting the Colossal Clusterf*ck. Khali/Dave didn’t look like it was going to light the world on fire, but it would have been a nice indication of where the WWE was going to go with those two. If there was no faith in Batista then he would certainly be laying down for Khali. If, on the other hand, Khali would have gotten pinned, we’d know that management has finally seen the light. I was advocating a Khali title run when he went up against John Cena for the simple fact that Khali holding the title belt is an impressive sight. Vince has the 21st Century Andre with Khali, but unlike Andre, Khali is hardly as charismatic or unique. There was no chance that Kane was going to get a run with the belt against Edge but this might be a chance to give him a reward for his long and successful career. Batista was supposed to be kept as far away from the title as possible, hoping that fans would embrace him as the guy that was talented enough to be champion but a victim of a stipulation. By keeping Dave away from the title it gave the fans one more reason to hate Edge, and worst of all it could have actually worked. If the audience got behind Batista then they would be clamoring for Edge to drop the belt. Now we’ll never know. As strange as it sounds, the WWE should have given the title to Mark Henry and kept the PPV the same. With Henry/Kane, you got another chance for Henry to flatten Kane while making Khali/Batista a #1 Contenders match. This could set up Henry/Batista at Summerslam, which wouldn’t be a great match but could spark casual fan interest. Now, we’re faced with this triple threat. I don’t think they’ll give the belt to Batista because the whole point of his losses to Edge were so that he was kept away from the title. That leaves us Kane and Khali. Kane could get the gold, but where would he go from there? Batista needs to be the next guy to feud with Henry, so the only challenger for Kane’s title would be Khali. With Khali as champ, Vince has a chance to have Khali/Rey for the title. Talk about a memorable visual that he would pimp the hell out of. Ironically, had Booker and Kennedy not been drafted to RAW, one of them would be champion right now. I say Khali takes it, loses the belt to Rey who holds it until either Edge comes back or MVP rises to the main event.
Winner – The Great Khali unless Triple H decides to come to Smackdown, then the winner’s Triple H.
Iain Burnside: You have an injured champion and a vacant championship six days before you have a PPV. Do you – A) use the vacant title and the guarantee of crowning a new champion as a way to perhaps entice more people to purchase the PPV, or at least show more interest in a lackluster card; B) lump the title onto somebody as quickly as possible, even though the last time you did that (ONE MONTH AGO) it came back to bite you on the arse and it’ll leave you with nothing but another shitfest of a match with no build-up and no selling points on the PPV; C) do whatever the f*ck means Matt Hardy stays out of the main event scene; D) just make sure that everybody is wearing denim jackets backstage except for Shelton Benjamin; E) put forth a notion that all champions should now be repackaged as dead rock stars, with Khali as Khurt Khobain; F) spend your time making a new version of Sudoku, called Joeduku, in which the numbers 1-9 have been replaced with cheeseburgers of various toppings; G) get toked and drive really fast to a meeting with Vince to discuss your brilliant new idea of a PPV where every single match can only finish in an ankle lock, with the possible title of Buy This You Olympic Psycho; H) hide a walkie-talkie behind the ladies’ toilet and start playing “U Can’t Touch This” over it when they flush; I) do the same as option H but then start screaming “BLASPHEMER!! BLASPHEMER!! BLASPHEMER!!” when Kelly Kelly inevitably does try to touch this; J) JARR-ETT; K) redraft the Wellness Policy into the Wrongness Policy so at least people can have a pretty damn good time before they all wind up dead; L) bring back the ECW Zombie and have him lead all the injured guys in a stable of zombies; M) presumably blow up Mr McMahon again next week on account of defying the passing of time and the accumulation of developments, since neither of them know how to work the WWE style anyhoo; N) make a matchlisting for a Linda McMahon DVD; O) make a new T-shirt for Jeff Hardy that reads “Ask Me About The Role That Markets & Suppliers Groups Play In Managing Strategically Important Construction Services At The Collaborative Workshop On External Resources” and start calling him The Enigmatic AMATRTMASGPIMSICSATCWOER; P) draft Bryan Danielson from ROH and act petulant when somebody tells you it doesn’t work like that; Q) do whatever the hell it takes to have Batista win the next Money in the Bank Ladder Match and ensure there’s a lunchbox rather than a briefcase involved; R) concern yourself with the launch of a new Diva Search; S) send an anonymous memo to Vince Russo about how Sabu needs to shoot on his fans by literally being genocidal, except he’d only wind up killing a bunch of flies so !~SWRV~!; T) is for teabagging and, hopefully, Kendrick; U) have the title match take place under Tetris Rules, with members of the Hart family and a token Russian sitting in the rafters and lobbing suitably shapen rocks down onto the ring; V) Minesweeper Rules, naitch; W) embark on a new mystery storyline to do gangbusters over the summer months, as a hard-boiled private eye tries to ascertain who gave herpes to Umaga; X) time every match so that if one of them finishes before you have successfully transformed the Robots in Disguises figures of Optimus Prime and Ultra Magnus, and combined them both, then the participants will be fired unless they agree to hit black people in the face at post offices in Montreal suburbs for the next month; Y) cure Randy Orton’s headlock fixation by giving him his teddy bear back; or Z) launch a petition to start calling Snickers bars Marathons once again, which will actually form a paradox loop that permits time travel to and from WrestleMania 2… but WHICH ARENA??? The answer, as always, is simple: shut up.
Winner – PRINCE!
Paul Beasley: When you’re measuring the depth of shit in a match in fathoms, somebody should really give it a big courtesy flush. You know there are some smells that are so bad you can taste them? This is one of those moments. I think if I puke a little in my mouth it might actually taste better. Batista wins, but only because someone in creative had an aneurysm. Kane would be the better option, but creative are so panicky about everyone being injured they’re probably just pulling the results out of a Scrabble bag now. Good thing they shifted Kennedy and Booker to RAW, huh?
Winner – Batista. And people who like slow, god-awful shitty matches.
Charles Joseph: Ah…the best laid plans of men with mice brains. Or something like that…Kane wasn’t going to win when it was just him in the match, so I’m ruling him out. They’re probably holding off on Batista until Summerslam, so that leaves good ole stiff knees.
Winner – GWAAAAAARRRRRRRHEOJJAWBA Khali
Danny Cox: Oh for the love of all that is holy, please let the curse of the big gold belt make Khali into a paraplegic. My guess is that Khali will somehow be knocked out or something and play the part of the third man in a three-way who is out cold on the floor for a while so it can really be a one-on-one match. God I don’t want to see another Dave run either. I’m going with only what I HOPE will happen even though I am not sure it will. I mean he deserves it got God sakes!
Winner and NEW Champ – Kane
Vinny Truncellito: Ugh. Why can’t Edge stay healthy once in a while? None of these three options appeal to me right now. I guess they’ll put the strap back over Batista’s shoulder.
Winner – Batista
John Morrison (c) Vs. CM Punk
Matthew Michaels: Uh oh…
Winner – Nitro
Kurtis R. Osterlund: Shouldn’t be a bad match, probably the best on the card actually. I think Punk should take it and run as the top guy on the brand, but it’s not likely since Morrison is riding on a new name and gimmick (BTW, who the f*ck changes their name and gimmick in the middle of a title run?).
Winner – Still ECW Champ, John Morrison
Andrew Wheeler: John Morrison? Seriously? What the hell is Lagana smoking (besides pole)? You know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar, if I were to say to you, ECW couldn’t get much higher. I will say that changing the champ from Johnny Nitro to John Morrison was a plus. Why? Because Nitro was still tied to the image of Melina and the fact that he’d been jobbed out on RAW since November, and the new look and name could help erase that image from fans minds. Don’t believe me? Look at 2 Cool. Now, the always reliable dirt sheets have said that ECW doesn’t have much faith in CM Punk. How many times have I read that? I was all ready to rail against them for making a stupid call, but did you hear the lack of fan reaction this past Tuesday? Whatever lightning-in-a-bottle that they had with Punk has escaped. On the other hand, one look at the roster in ECW and you might want to slit your wrists. They are a 1 face show, and that face is CM Punk. He’s it. Here’s our problem; if Punk wins then the whole character makeover of Morrison was wasted, but if Punk loses then whatever fan support he has left will dry up. If Morrison wins then Punk will chase him until Summerslam, but they would need a reason for Punk to get to chase. He already got pinned clean at Vengeance, he can’t take another clean loss here. On the other hand, if Cena/Lashley’s not going to have a clean finish, they can’t let this end in a DQ as well (not to mention the fact that it’s ECW). I say the solution here is have Morrison cheat to win, give Punk a reason to come after him and let the two guys settle it in an Extreme Rules match at Summerslam. Then you can set up Punk/Cor Von. Man, ECW needs another face desperately.
Winner – John Morrison, unless Triple H decides he wants to hold the ECW title, then the winner is Triple H.
Iain Burnside: There is a certain incarnation of the John/Johnny lineage that the ECW Champion has yet to try out. You should all know what it is and you should all be willing it to happen before you go to bed every night…
Winner – JOHNNY FIVE
Paul Beasley: OK, so Johnny Nitro is now John Morrison. Because the best time to change someone’s gimmick is when they’re the champion, right? Not when they’re off-camera for a few weeks? Oooooookaaaaaaay then. Goooooooood. Whatever you want. “People are strange .â€Â. All that shit aside though, this match (along with Hardy/Porter) should be one of the few redeeming features of the night. I think they’ll keep the belt on Nitrorrison just to keep Punk hungry. If Punk wins, it’ll be at a bigger PPV than this cockfest.
Winner – Jim Nitro. Or Johnny Morrison. Or something.
Charles Joseph: Who’s John Morrison? No…seriously. Who’s John Morrison? Using this lack of knowledge, I actually know who punk is, just cause he’s screwing Maria, so…
Winner – John Morrison, who ever that is
Danny Cox: I had originally thought that Punk would go over here and take the belt, but now I’m not so sure. Ever since Nitro came out with his new look and new name, I don’t think they’d have him lose right away. Also, he’s only had the title for a month now. I see Morrison winning by hook or by crook and since they have made such a big deal out of him getting his first taste of “real†ECW last week against Dreamer that will set up an Extreme Rules match for the title next month at Summerslam.
Winner and STILL Champ – Blair from the Facts Of Life aka John “Feathered Hair†Morrison
Vinny Truncellito: They certainly didn’t go through the trouble of repackaging Nitro five days before the show just to move the title off him yet. Punk’s eventually going to be the king of the ECW hill, but I think they’ll continue the chase and save Punk’s big win for a bigger stage.
Winner – John Morrison
Mark Allen: There doesn’t really to seem to be another challenger on the horizon so I say they stretch this out until SummerSlam.
Winner – John Morrison
Dusty Rhodes Vs. Randy Orton
Kurtis R. Osterlund: I think this one will surprise a lot of people as Orton can go when he has someone smart enough to know how a match works. On top of that, Dusty is in his own playground here and we saw what he can do at an elevated age against Corino back in 2000. No way is the splotch going over though.
Winner – Randy Orton
Andrew Wheeler: This one should be a barnburner. You don’t mess with Dusty Rhode’s son. You don’t get in Dusty’s kid’s face! You don’t beat him down in a match! And this Sunday, when Dusty gets in that ring, he is going to avenge his son and whoop Ted Dibiase’s ass. Wait what? This is NOT the exact same storyline from 17 years ago? You sure? SO, we’re getting a bullrope match featuring the first major Dusty bout in a long time. Unlike a lot of folks here, I like Dusty Rhodes. He’s a promo machine (however intangible they may be) and he still has more charisma then 90% of the roster. Of course he has no chance of winning here, but you know that he’s going to get a rise out of the fans. This is a man fighting for his family’s honor. This is a legend fighting a young buck who has no respect for history. This is a former champion fighting to uphold reputation the business. This is a member of the creative team hoping to cash in by getting himself over wait, that’s bad. Fans can’t really complain about this match. First off, it’s Dusty getting to fellate himself at his own creation. Second, it stops Orton from pinning another superstar who could actually get a push. Lastly, it allows us a chance to watch these guys bleed buckets. Rhodes will go all out to get this thing over, and since Orton knows he’s next in line for the gold, he’ll want to prove that he can cut it as a main eventer again. Remember folks, Hunter will be watching closely. If Randy blows this match then he can easily slip back into the Triple H’s bitch slot that Booker occupies right now.
Winner – Randy Orton, who will use this heat to win the belt, only to drop it to Hunter. Therefore, the winner of the match is Triple H.
Iain Burnside: Headlock, you say? Oooh, I can’t wait to see it. And it can be countered with a flabby gut and saggy man breasts? Wow, let me award all my friends by informing them of this product. Is it too much to hope for a “We Want Goldust” chant? Or to also have them chanting that at the next TNA PPV? One time I chanted it at a bus stop and some guy offered me some sort of powder.
Winner – HEY! HEADLOCKHEADLOCK HEY! HEADLOCKHEADLOCK HEYHEY HEYHEY HEYHEY!
Paul Beasley: FatDust against Self-Destruct Boy. Oh, the unbridled joy of it. And you’ve given them a rope? I can think of something they could do with that rope, but that’s probably a bit tasteless given the current climate. Is it possible to be torn about the outcome of a match and still be completely apathetic? There’s no logic to them giving the win to Dusty here, as an Orton win would maintain his Legend Killer shtick and set up a revenge match against Cody. And since there’s no logic to it, they’ll probably do it.
Winner – Dusty. Because WWE hates you.
Charles Joseph: Randy Orton kills the American Dream by shitting in a Mexican’s laundry bag.
Winner – Randy “The Legend Killer” Orton
Danny Cox: Really didn’t expect Dusty to get in the ring and thought Cody Runnels errr Rhodes would take on HEY! at the PPV! But since we have the case at hand, I can’t see this ending well. Sure Randy got the upper hand by taking out Cody on RAW, but I don’t see Dusty winning because I doubt this feud will continue another month. Especially since they’ve already broken out the gimmick match. From what I hear it’s not a “touch four corners†match either just a “we’re tied together†match. That disappoints me. Legend killed!
Winner – Randy “HEY!†Orton
Vinny Truncellito: There’s absolutely nothing to be gained by putting Rhodes over RKO at this point, but an Orton victory adds another legend to his hit list, and nicely sets up the Cody/Randy feud.
Winner – Randy Orton
Mark Allen: I really do hope Orton wins, he doesn’t need to job to a retiree at this point. The only question is, does Cody turn now or later?
Winner – Orton
Matthew Michaels: Makes no sense to put Dusty over here.
Winner – Orton
Candice Michelle (c) Vs. Melina Perez
Andrew Wheeler: Oh yeah, a women’s title match! Woo hoo! This is what I’ve been waiting for, a women’s title match with two chicks that aren’t even that hot/talented. The tradeoff back in the day was that the women didn’t look good but at least could kinda wrestle. Then you had Trish and later Mickie who proved that you could be unbelievably hot and still produce in the ring. Now we’ve got Melina, who is not what one would conventionally call “attractive†and Candice, who is getting older and oranger my the minute. I don’t see a reason for Melina to win the gold here because the WWE wants to get Beth Phoenix back in the ring. Candice beats Melina, Beth beats Candice and now we can have the “long awaited†Phoenix/James bout that has been like 2 years in the making.
Winner – Candice Michelle, unless Stephanie wants to reclaim her belt, then Stephanie, who is married to Hunter, who would technically be associated with this belt, thus the true winner.
Iain Burnside: No, no. U can’t touch this. Hey, if Nitro is now Val Kilmer then Melina is now Meg Ryan. Just imagine Meg Ryan spreading her cooch and smearing it all over the mat… while some fat hairy guy in dirty tracksuit bottoms watches and grins and gives the thumbs up and convinces his wife he’s really just thinking about cake… Yeah, you heard me. Meg Ryan’s 19th. Gaping and wide open for a Tom Hanks phone call, if that’s what we’re calling it these days. Doesn’t Tom Hanks have a strange accent? I mean, I know he’s American but it still sounds like he’s a mentally disabled Belgian when he speaks. Wait, which one is Candice?
Winner – if I had a vagina, it would look like it belonged to CANDICE MICHELLE… or her grandmother…
Paul Beasley: Oh, for f*ck’s sake is there any point in having a Women’s Championship anymore? Considering they just sent the best wrestler among them over to Smackdown where she can’t fight for the belt. Meaningless T&A match. I just don’t care.
Winner – Melina. And only because Mickie James has been out of the scene for a while.
Charles Joseph: Horseface vs. GoDaddy
Winner – Plastic Surgeons.
Danny Cox: “I scream louder!†“No I do!†“MEEEEEEEEEE!†Please put the belt on Mickie James or Beth Phoenix so they can feud with each other in matches that don’t suck with two women who get less attractive every time I see them.
Winner and STILL Champ – Candice Michelle
Vinny Truncellito: This goes on and on, but where are they headed with it? Let’s say Pheonix-ference leads to Melina reclaiming her crown.
Winner – Melina
Mark Allen: Don’t care, but I’ll say Candice keeps so either Jillian or Beth can challenge her.
Winner – Candice
Matthew Michaels: I don’t care…
Winner – Melina
Kurtis R. Osterlund: I still can’t figure out how Candice won or how anyone thinks Melina is a woman.
Winner – Melina
Montel Vontavious Porter (c) Vs. Matt Hardy
Iain Burnside: There’s not much more to say about this match other than “jolly good”, so I’ll just once again go over what they ought to have done with Smackdown this week. Edge comes out and does his little speech and boo hoo hoo. Teddy Long is backstage and people are pestering him about what to do with the World Heavyweight Title, which he doesn’t even realize has been vacated as he’s been too busy diddling Krystal. He’s distracted and so he just hastily arranges a Battle Royal, with the winner becoming the champion, and returns to his office to blend another chocolate milkshake. The Battle Royal commences, continues and then ends, with Hardy and Pelican the last two men and eliminating one another at the same time, just like Cena/Batista did at that Rumble a couple of years back. There’s no Vince McMahon around to storm out and sort things and fall on his arse and sit in the ring barking like a big pink twat that can bark this time though, while Teddy is still off touching something that hopefully doesn’t bark, so it winds up more like a Bret/Luger deal. Pelican thinks he’s won, so when he goes to pick up his United States Title he picks up the other one too. Then a ref takes it off him and gives it to Hardy, only for another ref to give it back to Pelican, and so forth. Mucho confusion. Then JBL and Cole let us know that Teddy has decided that at the Great American Bash it will be Hardy vs. Pelican for the vacant title. Meanwhile, for the live audience, the show ends with a rather miffed Kane coming out and setting fire to stuff. So we would have been left with a match that had already been booked, already had a rhyme and reason to it, would have been able to get a lot more time and make good use of it, would have left both these guys looking great at the end of it, would have easily led into a justified title match with Kane at the next PPV for whoever one it, and could not possibly have left Smackdown in any worse shape than it currently seems to be. Instead, you gotta dance with what brung ya to the dance, My Kill.
Winner – MANGANESE VANADIUM PROTACTINIUM
Paul Beasley: Won’t be the greatest match in history, but at least there’ll be some you know, wrestling and stuff. Hardy’s been on a run of late, beating everyone including Porter. And if Edge was still fit, I think we’d have seen some Rated-R-eference keeping the belt on Porter and setting up Edge/Hardy II. Now? Fuck knows. I’m pretty sure WWE Creative don’t. MVP still needs to hold onto the belt longer to consolidate, but they need a pseudo-respectable heel to start challenging Dave for the title. They won’t use Finlay. Mark Henry is a scary proposition, as is continuing the Khali feud. So Porter needs to be ready to step up before his time.
Winner – Matt Hardy.
Charles Joseph: Could Matt finally be getting his post screwed over push?
No.
Winner – MVP
Danny Cox: This could very well be match of the night and I think it will be. If given at least 15/20 minutes I’m thinking a really great match here. MVP has shown he is worthy of holding that belt and only continues to get better in the ring and out. Hardy has been a roll in recent weeks with most recently getting a clean win over Chris Masters. I think it is due time that Matt gets shown some recognition of his hard work. Especially now that Edge is out and I believe a possible World Title feud between Edge and Hardy was in the future.
Winner and NEW Champ – Matt “Freakin†Hardy
Vinny Truncellito: They didn’t elevate Porter via the skyrocket to the moon just to have him lay down for also-ran Matt Hardy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Hardy fan, and I’d have loved to see him hang onto the big gold belt while Edge recovers, but I can’t imagine him ever getting the truly big push (I’d love to see it happen though).
Winner – MVP
Mark Allen: Pull the trigger on Matt Hardy now. Maybe Khali will injure both Dave and Kane and they’ll have to give the Big Gold Belt to Matt on proxy.
Winner – Matt Hardy
Matthew Michaels: It’s time.
Winner – Hardy
Kurtis R. Osterlund: Both guys are looking strong as of late. It’s too early to take the title off of MVP though.
Winner – MVP
Andrew Wheeler: The match that I called a long time ago is finally here. The WWE’s been very high on MVP and the fans have been rallying behind Matt Hardy, so it’ll be interesting to see where they go from here. This match has the same problem as the main event WWE Title match and the ECW title match because there is no chance that this is a one-and-out feud. Matt’s not just going to waltz in and win the title. On the other hand, MVP can’t get the clean pin on Hardy. Here, like in the ECW title match, is where we get a compromise. Matt will fight his heart out because, as we all know, he will not die ever. In 10,000 years it will be roaches, Twinkies and Matt Hardy. Hopefully by then he will be over Lita. Now, Hardy kinda got screwed by Edge losing the title because Edge/Hardy could have been a nice match for Armageddon. The WWE won’t abort their push of Porter any time soon, and until he’s ready for the main event, he’ll cling to this belt like grim death. An extended Hardy/MVP feud will do both guys a world of good, and hopefully will give the fans some decent matches.
Winner – MVP, although Hunter’s never held the US Title, so maybe he could reveal that when he lost the IC title to The Rock all those years ago due to injury that he had a secret rematch clause that could be extended to the US Title on the off chance that WCW went under, and now he is choosing to exercise that right and then beat MVP and become the new US Champ. Winner: Triple H.
Umaga (c) Vs. Jeff Hardy
Paul Beasley: Could be kind of entertaining in a sort-of bizarre way. But Umaga should retain to try and reclaim the IC credibility lost during the Santino days.
Winner – Umaga.
Charles Joseph: Take your pain pills Jeff. Call me crazy. I know you will…but this could be match of the night. Jeff Hardy can take an asskicking, and Jamunga should be able to give one out. Expect a Taker Ladder Match effort out of Hardy and he’ll almost pull out a pin before getting squashed at the end.
Winner – Prepubescent girls and Umaga.
Danny Cox: This is rather thrown together and I would have much rather seen Regal in this match and take the title off of big boy, but a two heel match certainly wasn’t going to happen. The belt needs to come off of Umaga so he can jump back into the main event scene and the IC title can be passed around between Chubbykins, Regal, Shelton , etc Too bad it won’t happen here. Although I do wonder if the WWE would want to do the whole, “two brothers win singles belts for the first time ever in one night†deal!
Winner and STILL Champ – Umaga
Vinny Truncellito: This is another storyline I’m not sure I’m in tune with. Santino Marella was supposed to be the feel-good story of the spring, and while his Lashley-assisted victory over reigning IC champ Umaga in Milan worked as a one-shot, his title run failed to light the world on fire. So they placed the belt back on Umaga, and now what? Is he due for a long title run, with challengers Hardy, Benjamin, Regal, and others breathing down his neck, or is this the end of his second reign? Who can tell?
Winner – Umaga, I guess
Mark Allen: I don’t see a plan for the I-C belt coming up in the future so I say they give it to Jeff so they can have the Hardy Boyz double belt symmetry thing going on.
Winner – Jeffy
Matthew Michaels: It’s not time.
Winner – Umaga
Kurtis R. Osterlund: With rumors flying around that Umaga is taking on the entire Jackass crew, my bet is they make some appearance here and help Jeff win the IC.
Winner – New IC champ, Jeff Hardy
Andrew Wheeler: Funny, I’ve seen this squash before. I’m gonna go with butt-slam in the corner followed by Samoan Spike. Again. The only reason this match exists is that Vince finally realized that Santino Marella was a giant honking flop. Maybe this’ll lead to them rehiring Jim Cornette. That would be great. Anyway, I guess they figure the Hardys are popular and Jeff’s music pops the fans and this is a nice opener. So, after Umaga flattens Jeff like a semi-truck, I guess he can move on to uh who’s left? I guess Umaga could flatten Paul London next. That would make Vince happy.
Winner – Umaga, unless Triple H gets jealous of Samoa Joe holding all the titles in TNA and decides that he wants the IC title, therefore Triple H wins the belt.
Iain Burnside: Are people’s attention spans now so short that they are getting nostalgic for February 2007? Oh, for that glorious, simpler age, when Helen Mirren charmed at the BAFTAs, the Grammys made polite conversation with the Dixie Chicks, Senegal was giddy at the prospect of upcoming presidential elections, and the world was reminded of how overrated people linger on in the memory when a couple of Picasso paintings were nicked from his granddaughter. Sigh.
Winner – UMAGA-UMAGA-6-1-9
Sandman Vs. Carlito
Danny Cox: Carlito’s pushes last about as long as a price drop at gas stations. Not to mention that he does done nothing in past weeks while Sandman continues to make big impressions on RAW since he was drafted over. This is his type of match he won’t lose.
Winner – Sandman
Vinny Truncellito: To keep things interesting on RAW for the next few week, Sandman gets the victory and Carlito chases him, looking for vengeance. Plus, they need to keep the Singapore cane as Sandman’s exclusive gimmick for the time being, because that’s really the only thing he has left to offer, short of drinking beer and pre-blading with the cans before each match.
Winner – Sandman
Mark Allen: Apparently Vince has taking a liking to Sandman lately so I say he gets the win.
Winner – Sandman
Matthew Michaels: So… Sandman’s status vs. Carlito’s backstage heat?
Winner – Sandman
Kurtis R. Osterlund: I’m still wondering when Carlito will pull out a springboard chinlock. I mean, are those the only things he can do? Anyway, f*ck that frizzy haired douche. Sandman has beer and bamboo canes, Carlito has an apple that he spits. I pick the taste choice and the actual weapon.
Winner – The Sandman
Andrew Wheeler: Oh man, a cane on a pole match. I couldn’t be more excited if it were Judy Bagwell herself up there. On a serious note, am I the only one that thinks that Carlito’s going to wind up in TNA by the end of the year? He’s like the number 8 heel on RAW, right behind Charlie Haas and Rob Conway (and Conway doesn’t even work there). It would make sense for him to wind up in TNA as a member of LAX because he’s a decent talker and can work better then Konnan. Also, for reasons unknown to anyone, Vince is suddenly high on Sandman. Could it be because Steve Austin essentially ripped off the Sandman character? Could it be because Vince now realized that he could have purchased Sandman 10 years ago for a pretty small sum? Maybe this is like when Vince said he liked Sabu, only to bury him and fire him. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Winner – Sandman
Iain Burnside: Sandman has to win because he’s doing it all to help his sick daughter and there’s no way Carlito’s hair could withstand getting all that sand in it no matter what conditioner he might use and anyway Sandman got the rub from Spider-Man so he’s playing with the big boys now and Carlito is not emo enough to get the upper hand so never mind.
Winner – A SANDMAN
Matthew Michaels: Kane
Kurtis R. Osterlund: My bet is Kane. He was already set to count the lights anyway, why change the plan now?
Andrew Wheeler: Kane. Duh.
Iain Burnside: THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE WHO IS CURRENTLY KNOWN AS PRINCE AND LOVES YOU BUT NOT LIKE HE LOVES HIS GEETAR.
Paul Beasley: Khali. If he falls down, he can’t get back up again. He’s like a reverse Weeble (which will probably mean nothing to most of you).
Charles Joseph: Kane. Only one who can handle the heat loss.
Danny Cox: Kane pins DAVE as Gwar gets knocked to one knee and can’t stand up fast enough to break up the pin.
WWE Title: Cena 5 – 4
Heavyweight Title: Khali/Dave 3 – 3 – 2 (Kane) & 1 For Prince
ECW Title: Morrison 9 – 0 (unanimous)
Rhodes Vs. Orton: Orton 8 – 1
Women’s Title: 4 – 4 (1 vote for plastic surgeons)
U.S. Title: MVP 5 – 4
IC Title: Umaga 7 – 2
Sandman Vs. Carlito: Sandman 7 – 0 (unanimous)
BONUS: 4 for Kane, 1 for Khali, 1 for DAVE, and 1 for PRINCE
We don’t agree on much of anything and that makes it a bit more interesting. It seems as if this is the first Great American Bash in a long time that could actually make for some unpredictability and (GASP) some enjoyment! Check back for live coverage and later in the week for the results of the roundtable.
