I’m subbing for PK this week, but the contest is still on. Send your sample RAW reports to PK at baddasspk (at) gmail (dot) com by August 15!
OK, so, Great American Bash results tonight, for the folks that haven’t had them spoiled by reading this site.
I’m your Replacement Coverage guy, Matt Reed. Pleased to meet you.
Show opens with Coach babbling about how great RAW was at the Bash, wit Cena retaining and all. And he announces that he’s gonna announce the number one contender for the main event at Summerslam tonight.
And he announces WWE’s version of the Match of Champions. Only no belts are on the line.
Yes, folks, your main event is Cena vs. Umaga vs. Cade and Murdoch vs. Melina…whoops, Candice Michelle. I’m an idiot, it seems.
JR and Lawler talk, and it seems we’re getting Cody vs. Orton tonight.
The ring has what appears to be some kind of banquet on it, fancy tables and a fruit plate, and ALL HAIL KING BOOKAH!
Recap of the Booker vs. Lawler segment on last night’s RAW.
Booker comes out and wants to settle things with Lawler like gentlemen.
Lawler gets in the ring, and it looks like we’re gonna have a debate!
Lawler’s mic cuts out on him, as it seems he’s being screwed in the budget department by Booker.
Booker gives his speech about being King of the Ring, and then he goes off on Sacremento’s basketball team in hilarious fashion, demanding they be renamed the Sacramento Peasants. Brilliant.
Booker gets on to mention HHH briefly, and then it’s Lawler’s turn on the mic.
He claims the people don’t see Booker as a King, and calls him a “Pompous, Idiotic, Self-Delusional Pain in the Arse”.
Booker goes into full-on British Noble Mode, and tells Lawler to look him in the eye and repeat what he said. Lawler responds with a right hand. And more rights.
He clears Booker right out, and throws the plate of fruit at him from the apron.
Cut to Beth and Melina as we go to commercial. Diva Tag Match is next!
Match 1: Beth Pheonix/Melina vs. Micke James and…Maria?
Santino’s in the Announcers’ Booth! Phoenix and Maria in to start. Shoving and hair pulling to start, then an irish whip from Pheonix that turns into a top rope hurracarrana from Maria.
Beth hits a very painful looking Double Chickenwing while lifting Maria, and that’s all I could catch. This one moved really fast and loose.
Santino gets fed up with the cheating and double teams, trips up the heel team, and Maria hits a bulldog to finish it up.
Santino is hilarious on the mic. Get him and Vince back in the booth alongside Lawler and King, and I’d start buying some PPV’s.
Maria and Mickie James win, Maria gets pin by Bulldog.
Cena GAB promo, showing him retaining.
Balls of Fury looks like a great film, does it not?
Anyways, Rewind showing off the highligts of the Bullrope Match, and then we cut to…Gerald Brisco giving tips to Cody? HELL YES!
Orton shows up, Cody and him have a pretty wicked war of words.
OH GOD ANOTHER SNITSKY PROMO! He’s not even looking into the camera this time, babbling about being a remorseless prick. Well, he used to kill babies, so it’s still a step up. And the foot thing.
Cut to Todd Grisham talking with Cena. Cena cuts a pretty funny promo (involving referring to Cade and Murdoch as “The Cast of Brokeback Mountain”), and gives props to his opponents (and partner, Candice Michelle, apparently) for tonight.
Ninja Gaiden Sigma commercial…”Like nothing you’ve ever seen before…except those 2 games with the exact same gameplay and plot that came out in 2003 and 2005, respectively.”
We’re back, and Sandman is in the fans! No beer though…OH GOD HACKSAW’S MUSIC
MATCH 2: Sandman and Jim Duggan (HOOOOOOOO) vs. William Regal and Carlito
We get started with Regal and Sandman. Regal with punches and kicks. Carlito gets tagged in and starts wailing on Sandman. Hacksaw gets his patriotism on from the apron.
Regal gets tagged in, goes for the suplex on Sandman, and gets countered! HACKSAW IN! CARLITO IN! HACKSAW WITH PUNCHES! HACKSAW WITH TOP ROPE PUNCHES! REGAL AND SANDMAN FIGHTING OUTSIDE!
Hacksaw goes for the 3 Point Stance Tackle, Carlito dodges….Back Stabber? 3 count? Seriously? Damn.
Winner: Carlito/Regal, Carlito gets pin via Back Stabber
Another Rey Mysterio promo…at least this is for WWE Magazine.
Carlito and Regal talking in the back. Carlito talking about things going his way…he gets a bite of a bad apple and spits it….all over Lashley. LASHLEY ANGRY! Carlito runs to the ring! Carlito grabs a mic!
He’s being really desperate and apologetic for a heel…that usually means a beatdown. Time will tell.
Lashley comes out…oh crap, he’s gonna talk! Wait, no! Carlito starts the offensive! Punches, Irish whip into the stairs…Lashley jumps them! Nice spot!
Carlito tries to run, gets caught, thrown into apron, Dominator’d, Lashley leaves to his not-too-bad new theme music.
ORTON/RHODES NEXT!
Match 3: Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes
Another recap of the Bullrope Match (Randy won, by the way) as Orton gets to the ring.
Match begins with HEADLOCK!
FLIPPING HEADLOCK! ANOTHER FLIP!
OK, I’ll stop. Orton slaps Cody, and gets dropkicked for it. Orton with a kick to the gut, and some general ass kicking. Cody gets a crossbody counter off an Irish whip, but Orton again with punching and kicking….Cody gets a Sunset Flip, and Orton responds with another headlock…well, a reverse one into a backbreaker. Not sure what that one is called.
Orton with stomps to Cody. Cody sells like a champ. Orton officially turns into a schoolyard bully, poking and slapping Rhodes. Cody starts punching, Orton gets his own dropkick off. Orton with European Uppercut, more stomps, a “step on throat” move, Cody gets another rolling pin for 2, gets countered again, and Orton hits a clothesline for 2.
HEADLOCK! Sorry.
Punches from Orton, who then telegraphs another Irish whip, Cody drops and tags him in the mouth, sets up for the Missile Dropkick….DODGED!
Orton stalking…RKO.
WINNER: Randy Orton by RKO
Randy’s going for the head kick…Dusty shows up! He beats the crap out of Orton! Looks like this one’s not over yet.
Dusty goes to check on Cody and OH GOD ORTON PUNT FROM BEHIND
Multiple refs show up to get Orton out before he kicks Cody in the head too.
The stretcher comes out….this one might actually be over after all.
Recap of what just happened, and Dusty getting carried off on the stretcher.
NEVER FEAR, KENNEDY IS HERE!
Kennedy wants to be #1 contender. Considering that he WAS #1 contender until he got hurt, I say give it to him.
Match 4: MMMMMMMISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA KENNNNNNNNNNNNEDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY vs. Jeff Hardy
We open with Jeff clapping for the crowd, and a long grapple. Kennedy asks for a clean break…and slaps Jeff. Brilliant. Kennedy with arm wrench. Jeff reverses. Kennedy gets to the ropes. Punching ensues, Kennedy goes for a spinning kick? The hell? He misses horribly, gets leg dropped for 2. More blows, another arm wrench spot, Kennedy throws Jeff to the outside. Jeff pulls Kennedy out and hits a suicide dive!
COMMERCIAL!
Wow…that Nomad movie looks entirely original and not a cheap knockoff designed to bilk morons, nosiree!
Kennedy hits a wicked slam on Hardy with a setup similar to the Dark Kiss, goes for the pin, TWO AND A HALF, Kennedy with neck wrench on the ground, Hardy gets up…telegraphs, punched in head. Neckbreaker from Kennedy, Near Fall, Kennedy works the neck some more, Hardy with punches, Irish whip….Jeff gets on top….botches the move? Kennedy pins…two and a half again!
Wrestlers get up, Hardy does the flip again and hits it! Mule kick knocks Kennedy to the corner! Drop kick! Cover! Kennedy is on the ropes! Kennedy goes for a slam, gets facebustered, Hardy goes up…Kennedy rolls out and starts walking…
HARDY RUNS THE RAIL AND CLOTHESLINES KENNEDY! Wicked move! The two begin fighting up the ramp…Kennedy gets thrown into the Titantron! Hardy runs back to the ring at the 9 count! Kennedy doesn’t make it!
Winner: Jeff Hardy by Count Out
Video of Dusty on the stretcher being carted to the ambulance.
Commercial.
HHH Promo. Nothing to see here.
Match 5: London and Kendrick vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
TWGTT is wearing shades tonight. Odd.
Haas and Kendrick to start. Kendrick with the fast, flippy, badass stuff, goes outside, trips Benjamin, and gets a baseball slide from Hass. Benjamin in, punches, ground hold, Kendrick fights out, gets a spinning kick from Benjamin, one, two, London for the save!
Hass gets tagged back in, Side Headlock on Kendrick, who fights out with punches and a cross-body. Hot tag to London, who starts cleaning house! Double Dropkick on Haas!
Kendrick botches a splash and makes a horrible noise as he hits the ground. London is left in the ring….wicked move from TWGTT, involving a leapfrog from Benjamin onto London’s back as his throat is on the ropes and his legs are being held by Haas. I don’t know what to call it. German Suplex from Haas finishes it up.
Winner: The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Yes, I’m shocked too), Haas gets the pin via German Suplex.
Yet another Cody vs. Randy recap. Someone needs to start making “Randy Orton kicked me in the head and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt” shirts.
Oh crap, Booker’s back! He challenges Lawler to a match on RAW next week! He says Lawler’s reign of blashphemy is over…over. Yes, he said it twice. This will surely begin a feud with Mr. Kennedy.
Candice goes to Coachman, who is going to inform the New #1 Contender of his status, to beg out of the Champions Only Match, as she doesn’t want to get beaten up by Umaga. Coachman has faith in her. So do I, actually. You can do it, Candice!
Umaga and Cade & Murdoch are walking towards the ring…together. Odd. Is this a tag match or what?
Commercial.
Ok…so, two guys accidentally kissing while eating a Snickers and freaking out about it is cause for protest, but an old half naked man being milked is OK? Sometimes I don’t think this country is smart enough to elect its own leaders.
Slam of the Week, another Bash recap…they show all the highspots from Hardy vs. Umaga, saving me 40 bucks. Damn, Umaga’s Superkick is almost as slick as HBK’s.
YOUR MAIN EVENT (Which is now No DQ):Umaga and Cade & Murdoch vs. Candice Michelle and RAPADOO-sorry, John Cena
Cena runs in and starts beating down everyone…until Umaga takes him down. Beatdown in the corner…Murdoch drops Cade onto Cena. Cade Irish Whips Murdoch into Cena. Nice moves. Tag to Umaga, and the beatdown continues. Cena finally starts fighting back…and gets beaten back down by Murdoch. Cena counters with a wicked bulldog…Umaga in…Cena gets caught! Sidewalk Slam!
Cade and Murdoch grab Candice and set her up for Umaga’s buttslam….JEFF HARDY WITH A CHAIR! UMAGA IS BEATEN LIKE HE STOLE SOMETHING! FU ON MURDOCH!
Winners: Candice Michelle and John Cena….ORTON WITH THE RKO!
RANDY ORTON IS THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER!
Show closes with Hey, Nothing You Can Say…wow, Jim Ross mentioned RVD. I guess they’re still trying to get him back.
The Inside Pulse
Maria and Mickie James over Beth Phoenix and Melina Perez
Carlito and William Regal over Sandman and Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Randy Orton over Cody Rhodes
Jeff Hardy over Mr. Kennedy
The World’s Greatest Tag Team over London and Kendrick
John Cena and Candice Michelle over Umaga, Lance Cade, and Trevor Murdoch
