Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
After taking a much-needed week off I’m writing most of this on Sunday before heading off to the Zune Live at the BBQ event in Chicago. Expect more coverage of that later in the week. Regarding my third-shift job, I’m just beginning to get used to working 10-hour shifts and sleeping during the day, but it’s still pretty tough falling asleep when the birds are outside chirping.
Dickhead or not, you really have to admit that it was nice of Kanye West to let The Flaming Lips borrow his ego (pictured above as the large blue ball full of hot air) for a stage prop for their recent performance at the Cactus Festival in Bruges, Belgium.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
50 CENT has filed a lawsuit against New York-based Traffix Inc., an Internet advertising company, after becoming privy to this Web page banner ad in which visitors to various sites working with the ad agency (including MySpace and I think this very site as well) are encouraged to shoot (by guiding the target with the mouse) an image which resembles 50, with the headline “SHOOT THE RAPPER”. Once they do it (if they are, indeed, dumb enough to do it), they are taken to another site where spammy shenanigans ensue. The suit calls for the immediate cessation of the image being used with permission, $1 million in damages and other unspecified punitive damages. For a guy who uses gun imagery so much in marketing himself, you’d think he’d be all about it, but his most serious complaint is that his image (in this case, an image greatly resembling him) is being used without his permission. 50 Cent’s attorney told reporters that 50 Cent’s name doesn’t appear anywhere in the ad, but ”it looks like him, and there’s no doubt the character is intended to be him.” In a related story, 50 Cent has allegedly sued a leaf-nosed bat at the Miami Metro Zoo after it flew into a glass partition, with his attorney saying that while it wasn’t 50 Cent that flew into the glass partition, the leaf-nosed bat looked too much like him for it to be a coincidence.
Perhaps he’s been studying from the same book about how to put on a shitty performance as LAURYN HILL has been, or maybe he’s got some health problems, but according to those in attendance at the 50 Years of Stax concert at the Hollywood Bowl, in singer ISAAC HAYES “seemed lost onstage.” Hayes apparently walked very slowly onto the stage when it was his turn to perform, and seemed to be confused by the keyboards onstage, before he mumbled his way through his set. He later seemed to be having a hard time talking to the audience, as he mumbled almost unintelligibly about an upcoming album. “It was awful,” one disappointed concertgoer told reporters. “I went from feeling sorry for the guy to feeling sorry about the money I spent on a ticket to see him perform at the Bowl. There was a mass exodus midway through his set when it became clear there was something wrong.” The 64-year-old singer had been hospitalized a few months back for exhaustion, though his health was said to be good more recently. Must have just had some really, really good dro.
For all of you guitar collectors and poseurs out there, Fender has created a limited edition JOE STRUMMER Telecaster. For just 1200 bucks, you can have a vintage-style (an homage to Strummer’s 1966 Telecaster) Telecaster with several features including a various available body colors with a road-worn finish, the words “Revolution Rock” engraved on the neckplate, distressed chrome machine heads, a 3-ply mint green pick guard and Fender/Ping vintage-style tuning machines. The first 1500 people to buy the guitar will also receive a special customization kit full of stickers and stencils to put on the guitar to make it look more like Strummer’s. Contrary to popular belief, though, buying this guitar and putting these stickers on it in the same positions as Strummer had his will not make your punk band suck any less.
>Despite having said last month that he’d be pleased if Elijah Wood played him in an upcoming biopic, The Passenger, IGGY POP has now lashed out against the producers of the film as well as another upcoming biopic. saying that neither one has formerly asked him for his blessing yet. “At the moment neither of them have my permission to be made,” he told reporters for NME. “Frankly, I wish they’d both f*ck off and leave their biopics.” Obviously, the drugs that Iggy Pop was on during last month’s interview have finally worn off and he’s realized that having Elijah Wood play him in a movie would cause so many heads to explode around the world that he’d have to carry an umbrella around to keep from getting soaked with blood and brain tissue. … In other Iggy Pop-related news, he recently made a derogatory remark while being interviewed by the BBC at the recent Glastonbury Festival, telling the reporter how he used to frequent “Paki shops” while living in England. While the BBC promptly apologized for the gaffe, Iggy Pop apologized this past week, saying, I’m sorry. It was one in the morning (when I said it)… that was a phrase I learned from English people while I was living there. … But it’s terrible. More fool me. Shame on me.” The mainly British term general refers to a convenience store, though it has disparaging racial undertones as more of a stereotype, as not all convenience stores are owned by Pakistanisâ€”some are owned by Indians and Middle Easterners.
News Headline: Diddy ‘under the weather’ after Nigeria trip
News Headline: Lil Wayne sucks at life
All right, all right… I may have made one of those up.
In other Nigeria-related news, just a day before THE AD HOC AWARD DEMANDING MOUTH-BREATHER was said to have fallen ill after performing at the ThisDay festival/charity event in Lagos, Nigeria, former DESTINY’S CHILD singer KELLY ROWLAND passed out onstage during her set. She was rushed to a hospital in downtown Lagos, where she was treated for dehydration and asked if she’d like to transfer US$40 million that had belonged to a murdered Nigerian warlord into her checking account. Apparently one of the orderlies happened to be the son of said warlord. Small world it is.
Despite several requests to coincide with a St. Louis concert in September, Mayor Francis Slay has rejected suggestions to name Sept. 2 as “IKE TURNER Day”. While a mayoral spokesperson told reporters that the city “would not want to honor someone who has publicly stated they have hit their wife (as was discovered by many more people after the release of the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got to Do With It),” Ike Turner supporters argue that “he helped put St. Louis rhythm-and-blues on the map.” Scott M. Hanover, a member of the management company that represents Turnerâ€”who did, in fact, win a Grammy this year for his album, Risin’ With the Bluesâ€”said that it’s “a shame” that the singer’s checkered past still follows him around, adding that “people are living in the past. … They don’t know the man I know. This ain’t 1962. … Ike Turner hasn’t beaten a single woman since last year. Maybe it was this past January… but that was almost last year.” … In other Ike Turner related news, he and blues-rock band THE BLACK KEYS are currently working on a collaboration album, which is being produced by DANGER MOUSE, which is slated to be released late this year. While he has not beaten Black Keys singer/guitarist Daniel Auerbach during the recording of the album, he did beat drummer Patrick Carney, and pimp-slapped Danger Mouse a couple of times.
Industrial rockers RAMMSTEIN took a chance to pan various media outlets, who they say are “greedy for news”, after having falsely reported that singer Till Lindemann was leaving the band and would be replaced by former KMFDM singer EN ESCH. In a statement, the band confirmed that who had ever contacted the media with the story was part of an elaborate hoax, and that the media outlets who covered the story should have checked with sources before writing about it. “Poor En Esch was shocked to learn he would have to step into Till Lindemann’s footsteps,” the statement reads. “[We] hope he and the fans of the band will recover soon from this false report.” It was also accompanied by a sound file that went on to scold the reporters in German before saying that they should expect to be inundated with several baskets full of fluffy puppies, kittens and baby ducks in the next few days for retribution. While it doesn’t sound particularly threatening reading about it here, it actually sounds really, really threatening when shouted in German.
News Headline: Enrique Iglesias ‘terrified’ of his gay debut
I’ve been told that it hurts a little bit at first, but you eventually get used to it. Actually, I’ve never been told that; I heard it in Tool’s “Stinkfist”.
Singer JON BON JOVI is not too pleased with the makers of a coffee-based energy drink called Mijovi, claiming that the name sounds too much like his. Marcos Carrington, the creator of the drink, defended himself to reporters, stating that the beverage is actually named after his girlfriend, Jovita. A lwayer representing Bon Jovi also took exception to a phrase appearing on the beverage can, which reads, “itsmienergy.itsmijovi.itsmilife”, pointing out that “It’s My Life” is a popular Bon Jovi song, and that Carrington’s not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes. In regards to the phrase, Carrington said that he’d stop using it once he sells through the 3000 cans on which it’s printed, adding that the words “itsmijovi” and “itsmilife” are meant to mean, “It’s my jovial life.” Wait a minute, didn’t he just say that it was named after his girlfriend Jovita? Hrmmm… sounds like a big flaming pile of bullshit from where I’m sitting. Methinks there’s no Jovita at all, and if there is, it’s probably his dog that he named after Bon Jovi because he loves Bon Jovi. He probably enjoys smearing peanut butter on his sack and having Jovita lick it off, too, because it’s sort of like Bon Jovi doing it. Hey, that’s a great idea… a peanut butter flavored energy drink! You’d have to probably put mocha in it, too, to make it work, but that sounds pretty damn good. I’m going to manufacture it myself. I’ll call it the Super Misfits Danzig Drink.
In other possibly elaborate hoax-related news, Jackass daredevil Steve-O recently posted a blog on his MySpace page about his upcoming… rap album. “To anyone that chooses to be critical of my decision to make this rap album, I’ve got bad news for you, it’s a great album,” he writes. “I’ve been recording it with the producers of the one and only G-Unit and it is, indisputably, incredible and made by the most talented people in rap music.” Interesting to note, the statement then abruptly shifted topics to say, “Hi, I never knew that you can get so much for free on the internet. I did hear people talking about it but never found sites about. Now I found a site where you can get a free PS3 and a Nintendo Wii and even a Video iPod or a louis Vuitton Purse and wallet for us girls. And best of all a free $1000 gas card. Just CLICK HERE to go to this site NOW. kdjc”
Saul HernÃ¡ndez, singer for Spanish rock band JAGUARES, was forced to undergo emergency laser surgery on his vocal cords last week, after having contracted a throat infection several weeks back that was threatening his singing voice. The surgery was a success, but the band was forced to cancel two Mexican shows for July 14 and 15 in Ixmiquilpan and Celaya, respectively, in order to allow HernÃ¡ndez time to rest his voice and recover before beginning a U.S. tour this weekend. Yeah, right… Look, Saul HernÃ¡ndez, just because you can’t put down your new copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows doesn’t make it OK to disappoint the whole lot of Jaguares fans in Ixmiquilpan and Celaya. For shame, Saul HernÃ¡ndez. You make me ashamed to have almost the same last name as you.
Despite claims that her upcoming album is “TEH HOTTEST THING EVER MADE”, BRITNEY SPEARS has apparently established something to fall back on by applying for a job at the Les Deux restaurant in Hollywood, as a waitress. Several stunned witnesses saw Spears inquiring about a job earlier in the month, even going as far as to ask to speak to the manager. “Everyone thought she was joking, but she was dead serious,” one witness told US Weekly. “She looked through her calendar and said that she couldn’t do it ‘this day, this day or that day’ because she has her kids. But she asked if she could begin the following Saturday, because she just could not put down her new copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.”
Luke Pritchard, lead singer of British rock band THE KOOKS, acted like a total asshat after being approached by a fan at London’s Gatwick Airport. According to fan Donald Weir, he approached Pritchard just after he’d gotten off of a plane from Dublin and asked for an autograph, telling The Sun, I am a massive fan so I went over and said so but Luke turned round and told me to f*ck off. I apologized for intruding but told him there was no need to speak to me like that. That just set him off. As I walked away he started charging at me as if he was going to swing at me. … He stank of booze and was swaying from side to side. A girl with him had to pull him back and shouted at him to stop behaving like an idiot. But he started screaming at her to f*ck off. One lad on his flight told me Luke had been ranting at other people, mostly about his displeasure with Harry Potter dying in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.” You heard it here first.
Former CRANBERRIES singer DOLORES O’RIORDRAN has been forced to cancel a tour in support of her solo debut album, Are You Listening?, after her drummer, Graham Hopkins, collapsed and suffered from a seizure onstage at the House of Blues in Los Angeles on Thursday. He was taken to a local hospital and will be OK, though he’ll forever have to live with the guilt that it was all his fault that Dolores O’Riordan had to cancel her tour because there was no replacement drummer. Way to go, Graham Hopkins. Way to go.