For Your Consideration Top Simpsons Episodes and Bash Thoughts

For Your Consideration Top Simpsons Episodes and Bash Thoughts
Welcome to week 19.

Oh man, what a week we’ve got for you. First off, this week’s column is going to be split into two. The first half of the column (as promised) will be nothing but hype for this Friday’s “Simpsons” movie. If you’re not a fan of the Simpsons, I would recommend scrolling down to where I talk about the Great American Bash. Also, if you’re not a fan of the Simpsons, seek help. Seriously. If you hate the Simpsons, I condemn you to a life of reruns of “According to Jim” and “Shasta McNasty”. After a week of that, you’ll be begging for a bottle of poison. Who am I kidding, after about ten minutes you’ll be praying for death.

Funny story about “According to Jim” (the only time you will see the words “funny” and “According to Jim” in the same sentence). I was on Wikipedia, a site that I abhor, and I decided to edit the “According to Jim” page by putting up some important facts about the show. Unfortunately, the Wikipedia Police caught my alteration and reverted the page back to the lie-infested cesspool that it is. So now, as a courtesy to you, my loyal readers, the truth about “According to Jim”:

“According to Jim” was a supposed comedy starring Jim Belushi, the man who blazed a trail of nepotism for people like Frank Stallone and (insert name here) Baldwin. Jim Belushi starred in some classic films such as K-9 where he was outacted by a dog and Red Heat where he was outacted by a Nazi. Right around the turn of the century, however, there was no longer a demand for untalented brothers of dead comedy legends. So, with nowhere else to turn, Jim Belushi decided to quit acting.

On September 11, 2001, our nation was attacked by soulless monsters. The American Government, under the leadership of the exalted overlord George Walker Bush, snapped into action. The greatest scientific minds on the planet banded together and came up with the most destructive weapon know to man: “According to Jim”.

These scientists contacted Jim Belushi, who-in addition to being a horrible comedian-was also a patriot. They came to him with a plan to create a fake sitcom so terrible that it would cause the terrorists to engage in mass suicide. Unfortunately, ABC Network was hard-up for ratings, and accidentally aired the pilot episode. The deaths of those that watched were attributed to a fabricated disease called “Mad Cow”.

An interesting side note to this horrible tale: to test the program, the government showed the pilot to a group of 30 monkeys. Four survived the first few moments of the show and later went on to have successful careers as writers for “According to Jim”.

Fuck you ABC for ever cancelling “Sports Night” and replacing it with that crap.

Now that that’s over with, on to the Simpsons!

First off, thank you to everyone who e-mailed me or messaged me their favorite Simpsons episodes. I took them under careful advisement, then pretty much came up with a list on my own.

If you’re a true Simpsons fan, then chances are you will know the episodes that I am going to rattle off. None of the episodes aired past season 9 because it was around that time that the show took a turn. Now I know that there are episodes past season 9 that are funny, but they aren’t up to the high standards set by the earlier shows. Coming up with an order for them was incredibly difficult, and while I am sure some of you will disagree with the placement of the shows, I doubt anyone can have serious reservations that these episodes do not deserve to be considered among the very best. But hey, this is a column for all of you. If you agree or disagree, you can either post your message at the bottom of the page or e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com

The Greatest Simpsons Episodes Ever

20) Marge Be Not Proud: I will admit, it’s not the most conventional episode to kick off the list, but it’s on here for a reason. In the episode, Bart desperately wants a new, ultraviolent video game for Christmas, but the family’s lack of funds means no Bonestorm for Bart. That is, until he learns the magic of stealing. Unfortunately for him, Bart gets nabbed by the gruff security guard, Don Brodka (played by Lawrence Tierney, the brilliant actor that many of you might know as Elaine’s father from “Seinfeld”), who warns Bart never to come back to the Try-N-Save. Inevitably, his thievery gets discovered, and the episode morphs into a story about the tenuous nature of a mother/son relationship. This was one of the social commentary episodes of the Simpsons (materialism) as well as an episode with heart. This episode showed that the Simpsons was more than just a funny show but it was also a show that could tell a story with real, genuine emotion. It might be a little too sappy for some, but a little sap’s okay. Plus, it’s the only Christmas episode on the list, and since the Simpsons first full show was a Christmas episode, I thought I owed it to tradition to put it on here.
Favorite Moments:
• * The Bonestorm commercial with Santa
• * Comic Book Guy’s response to Bart trying to buy the game for 99 cents.
• * Milhouse entering his name Thrillhouse
• * Homer explaining the purpose of “Police Academy”
• * Camp Grenada
• * The backseat of the car morphing into Don Brodka, who in turn puts out his cigarette in the ash tray
• * And of course Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge (now with scoring pencil). To explain to you how big of a Simpsons mark I am, in high school for a computer programming class I actually made a version of this game. Every time you played your ball wound up in the parking lot. I think my favorite part of this entire joke is when Bart is prompted to play again and selects “no” because you can hear genuine sadness in Carvallo’s voice.

19) Summer of 4’2: I know, a Lisa episode. Surprisingly enough, Lisa episodes have a lot of humor. This is mainly attributed to the fact that the majority of the writing staff is comprised of white, middle class men who probably can’t relate to a prepubescent girl. Their inability to adapt is our gain! This episode sees the Simpson family (and Milhouse) take a trip to the Flanders’ beach house, where Lisa decides to reinvent herself as a “cool kid”.
Favorite Moments:
• * Bart getting ripped on by the beach kids (Who does he think he is with that slingshot? Dennis the Menace?)
• * Homer going to buy fireworks (Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it)
• * The entire Mystery Date scene. I laughed for a solid five minutes after seeing Homer’s reaction to Bart’s dud date. (“Hey poindexter, he looks just like you!”)
• * Milhouse signing Lisa’s yearbook. (See you in the car)
• * Sweet merciful crap, my car.

18) Homer versus the 18th Amendment What a great Homer episode. Screw it, what a great Rex Banner episode. I’m noticing, only 3 slots in, that giving episode summaries sucks ass. All you need to know is that Springfield discovers that prohibition was never recalled in their city and Homer becomes a bootlegger. Oh yeah, and Rex Banner arrives and kicks 100 kinds of ass.
Favorite Moments:
• * Did anyone order a bathtub mint julep?
• * Poor Wiggum.
• * Listen, rummy, I’m gonna say it plain and simple. Where’d you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
• * I’ll find you Beer Baron. No you won’t!
• * Well you all know what laughter sounds like.
• * Ducks are required to wear long pants
• * To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

17) Bart Sells His Soul: The interesting anomaly of the Simpsons has been the love-hate relationship between the show and the Christian Conservatives. When the program began, it was chided as an evil and sinful show that cast Americans in the worst light. Currently, the Simpsons is listed among the most Christian shows on television. It might have something to do with this episode, one that appeases both the bible thumping “crazy Christians” and the normal, decent Simpsons viewer. Based on the title I doubt that you could guess what happens in this episode. Oh yeah, and this episode has the greatest B-story ever: Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.
Favorite Moments:
• * In the Garden of Eden. (Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?)
• * Remember Alf? He’s back in pog form.
• * If you are looking for the Hi and Lois Convention, it has been moved to the Springfield Coliseum.
• * Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe! Thank you ma’am! This’ll be a treat! Uncle Moe! Here I am! While you eat!
• * I start with the best part, the neck.
• * You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds. But I want one now.
• * Whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak fish.
• * Well I expect this kind of language at Dennys

16) A Fish Called Selma: I know a Patty & Selma episode. Normally I’d stay away from these, but this one has the incomparable Troy McClure, and in fact is more a Troy episode than a Selma episode. Basically Selma’s still sad that she isn’t married and winds up with Troy, who needs a wife to become famous again. Screw the plot, screw the drama, this one’s all about Troy.
Favorite Moments:
• * People don’t do that type of thing with fish.
• * Dad, what’s a Muppet? Well, it’s not quite a mop and it’s not quite a puppet, but man So to answer your question I don’t know.
• * McArthur Parker the agent? McArthur Parker MY agent?
• * Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? The movie or the planet?
• * It’s the part I was born to play, baby!
• * The entire production of Planet of the Apes, the musical.

15) 22 Short Films About Springfield This spoof of 32 Short Films About Glen Gould is just a series of interconnected stories that shows off the depth of the character pool in Springfield. It has some of the most classic Simpsons moments and encapsulates what makes this show so great. If for nothing else, it’s a chance to show off the amazing skill of the actors who created this universe of characters.
Favorite Moments:
• * Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant. But I cleaned them with my napkin.
• * You’re going to give yourself skin failure.
• * The entire Skinner/Chalmers sequence might be one of the funniest things ever done by the show. It is pure brilliance. (Steamed hams? Even though they’re clearly grilled.; Aurora borealis? At this time of year? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?)
• * No mother, it’s just the northern lights.
• * The McDonalds speech. (Must’ve popped up overnight. Do they have Krusty’s Partially Gelatinated Non-dairy Gum-based beverages? Yeah, they call them shakes. Heh, shakes. You don’t know what you’re getting.
• * Hey, you know what? I could call my Maw from up here. Hey Maw! Get off the dang roof!

14) Homer’s Barbershop Quartet: In my humble opinion the best flashback episode that the Simpsons ever did. Some folks like “And Maggie Makes Three”, but I’m partial to the fact that the writers took a completely out-there premise and made it seem like a perfectly grounded story. This episode showed that the Simpsons writers knew their characters so well that they could fit them into such a ridiculous situation and make their voices ring true.
Favorite Moments:
• * Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Hmm, never fit on a marquee. From now on you’re Apu de Beaumarchais
• * Er, um, we need a name that’s witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.
• * Something, something, Burt Ward.
• * This enormous woman will devour us all!
• * I’m George Harrison. Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?
• * I’d like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man’s hat.
• * That was the title of our second album.
• * Aw, a Grammy.

13) I Love Lisa: Ah, the Ralph Wiggum episode. This one has so many great little bits packed into a story that has heart. Poor Ralph mistakes Lisa’s pity Valentine for a profession of love and the re-re begins a whirlwind courtship. Oh yeah, and we learn a little something about our founding fathers.
Favorite Moments:
• * Monster Mash.
• * Skinner’s Vietnam flashback.
• * My Doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
• * Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowie sauce.
• * Look in the tunk.
• * I’m married to the sea.
• * Nothing gets chocolate out.
• * That story’s not appropriate for children. Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
• * Talk to the audience? Ugh, this is always death.
• * Mr. Simpson, these fumes are making me dizzy. Yeah, they’ll do that.
• * Ralph’s George Washington/FDR mix-up
• * You’re next, Chester A Arthur.
• * The mediocre president’s song. Admit it, you didn’t know who William Henry Harrison was until you heard it.
• * Welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourself.
• * Again, Monster Mash

12) Marge versus the Monorail: Come on, written by Conan and featuring Leonard Nemoy? How could you go wrong? This rip-off/homage to the Music Man sees Marge oppose the construction of the new and very safe monorail. Oh, and Homer becomes a conductor of said monorail. This one’s just nonstop gags along with the catchiest song ever in a Simpsons episode.
Favorite moments:
• * The Homer Flintstones song.
• * The radioactive squirrel with laser vision.
• * The ring came off my pudding can.
• * Mono-d’oh!
• * Does whiskey count as beer?
• * I call the big one bitey.
• * The kids can call you Ho-Ju.
• * Do you even know who I am? Weren’t you one of the Little Rascals.
• * I shouldn’t have stopped for that haircut.
• * The escalator to nowhere, combined with the multitude of yelps as people fall to their death.

11) Lemon of Troy: This one’s got some pure comedy gold tucked into a simple story about a stolen lemon tree. It was odd for the Simpsons to do a pure kids adventure episode, since the plot device often leads to some of the poorest stories. Yet again, however, the writers proved that they could take a familiar genre and turn it into a classic.
Favorite Moments:
• * You had your chance!
• * A part of us all. A part of us all. A part of us all.
• * I’m gonna huck ‘em at cars.
• * Database.
• * I’ll kick your butt at Nintendo.
• * I know you are but what am I? A garbage man. Takes one to know one. Checkmate!
• * Hey everybody! An old man’s talking!
• * And marry our cousins.
• * We’ll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead.
• * Todd’s the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy.
• * I say radical! That’s my thing that I say!
• * Bart’s quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!
• * Team Discovery Channel!
• * This whole raid was as useless as that lemon shaped rock over there. Wait a minute! There’s a lemon behind that rock!
• * Rocky VII: Adrian’s Revenge
• * Shake harder boy!
• * Let’s all celebrate with a cool glass of turnip juice.

10) Dancin’ Homer: This is the oldest episode on the list, but that doesn’t make it any more of a classic. This episode has a simple story about Homer becoming the mascot of the local baseball team, only to be called up to the major leagues in Capital City. Most importantly, it’s told through flashbacks as Homer sits around the bar sharing his tale of almost success with his drinking buddies. It’s the most human Homer has ever looked, and the writers did a great job of capturing the triumph and ultimate downfall of Dancin’ Homer.
Favorite Moments:
• * This ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It gives me a right-no a duty-to make a complete ass out of myself.
• * The first time we really get to see the insincerity of Mr. Burns.
• * Wait a minute, we’re not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?
• * A Simpson t-shirt. I never thought I’d live to see the day.
• * The Capital City theme song.
• * Homer’s Pride of the Yankees moment
• * Ah Mancini, the mascot’s best friend.
• * The Capital City Goofball.
• * And for God’s sake, put some clothes on!

9) Krusty Gets Kancelled: I love Krusty the Clown. I’ll admit it right now. Who doesn’t love a Jewish comedian who bets against the Globetrotters because the Generals were due? Who doesn’t love an episode with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bette Midler, Barry White, Hugh Heffner, Luke Perry, Johnny Carson and Elizabeth Taylor? This was the episode that sort of let the audience in on the gag about celebrity guests. Yeah, the Simpsons has had a wide assortment of fantastic guest stars, but to put so many in one show and make it so blatant was brilliant.
Favorite Moments:
• * Springfield Squares and the giant wave of death.
• * Look Smithers, Garbo’s coming.
• * Oh yeah I slaughtered the Special Olympics.
• * I can do the Hully-Gulley, I can imitate Vin Skully.
• * You can call me Rey and you can call me Jay that was funny for about ten seconds.
• * Yeah, well Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
• * Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.
• * He’s a big star! Yeah, on FOX.
• * I’ll get you for this Midler!!!!
• * We want Chilly Willy!
• * What am I looking at? Can I look too? Alright, but it’ll cost ya. My money’s in the car. Sucker. Now, back to the wall.
• * What I’d like is I’d like to hug and kiss ya.
• * Don’t snap my undies.

8) A Star is Burns: This one’s on here for two reasons. First, it is to honor the brilliance that was “The Critic” (Full of country goodness and green pea-ness. Wait a minute, that’s terrible. I quit. Maybe a few for the road. Oh what luck, a French fry’s stuck in my beard.) Second, this episode is hilarious. The brilliance of a cartoon crossover aside, this episode showed fans why they should have been watching “The Critic”. On the other hand, this was a controversial episode because Matt Groening refused to allow his name on the credits due to his anger over the crossover. Too bad, because this episode stomps the hell out of a ton of episodes you’ve gladly put your name on in the past few years.
Favorite Moments:
• * Oh, that’s right I’m crippled.
• * The metric system’s the tool of the devil. My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that’s the way I likes it!
• * I wish I was dead. Oy!
• * The entire Rainier Wolfcastle scene.
• * You suck, McBain!
• * On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
• * Upon further inspection, these are loafers.
• * No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
• * It was a gummy bear.
• * Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.
• * Scooby Doo can doo-doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter.
• * Hans Moleman Productions presents Man getting hit by football.
• * The ball his groin. It works on so many levels.
• * I was saying boo-urns.
• * Coming, Eudora.
• * It moved me TO A BIGGER HOUSE!
• * Aargh! My Groin!

7) Cape Feare: The Sideshow Bob episodes became a staple of the Simpsons, so picking among those classics was hard. In the end, I had to give the nod to this one, which not only had some of the most original jokes in the history of the series and the finest vocal work by Kelsey Grammar, it also proved that the Simpsons could out-spoof anyone when it comes to movie parodies.
Favorite Moments:
• * That’s some outfit, Skoey! It makes you look like a homosexual.
• * Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.
• * It’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
• * Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
• * We object to the term urine-soaked hellhole when you could have said peepee soaked heckhole.
• * No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
• * Ooh, Icecreamville.
• * Now, when I say “Hello Mr. Thompson” and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. Hello Mr. Thompson. I think he’s talking to you.
• The parade honoring Hannibal’s crossing of the Alps.
• * Hey boy! Wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!
• * The rakes. Every glorious rake.
• * Oh no, Dad’s been drugged!
• * I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell.
• * The entire performance of the H.M.S. Pinafore.
• * Bake him away, toys.

6) Treehouse of Horror V: In the same vein of the Sideshow Bob episodes, the Treehouse of Horror episodes have become a an annual tradition. Again, picking from these classics wasn’t easy, but I went with the episode that had the most original parodies and the most memorable jokes.
Favorite Moments:
• * The 1947 John Ford classic movie, “200 Miles to Oregon”.
• * The entire Shinning parody is pitch perfect and may be better then the actual film.
• * What about Grandpa?
• * and five John Denver Christmas specials.
• * Shh! You wanna get sued?
• * That’s Willy’s time.
• * We come back and everyone’s slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
• * Oh I’m happy. I’m very happy, lalalalalala.
• * Go crazy? Don’t mind if I do.
• * The noise Homer makes right before he chases after Marge.
• * Hi David, I’m Grandpa.
• * My husband is on a murderous rampage, over. Well thank God that’s over.
• * Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• * Live, from Broadway, it’s the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daily and Hal Linden.
• * Dad, it’s in there again!
• * I’m the first non-Brazilian person to travel through time.
• * Quiet, you.
• * A nice glass of warm milk, a little nap and a total lobotomy.
• * Oh I wish I wish I hadn’t killed that fish.
• * This is gonna cost me.
• * Fabulous house, well behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan woo hoo! I’ve hit the jackpot.
• * Oh look, it’s raining again.
• * This is indeed a disturbing universe.
• * Friday is T.G.I.F. night on ABC.
• * You should have thought of that before you made that paper airplane.
• * Oh great, now I gotta work in the dark.
• * Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.
• * In fact, you might even say that we ate Uter and he’s in our stomachs right now.
• * Look them straight in the eyes and say, “Don’t eat me”.
• * Argh, I’m bad at this.
• * except that fog that turns people inside-out.
• * Santa’s Little Helper eating Bart.

5) Lisa the Vegetarian: I know, a Lisa episode in the top five. Well what did I say before? Lisa episodes usually lead to funny bits created by bored writers. Screw what I have to say, here are some funny lines:
Favorite Moments:
• * Fun for ages 1 to 7 ½
• * Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is going to go down.
• * Outta the way, you.
• * The following cars have been broken into
• * The Flanders Family Reunion.
• * Buenos Ding-Dong-Diddly-Dias Senior
• * Charmed a googily doogily.
• * I thought you loved me loved me.
• * This one spent two hours in the broiler.
• * Why does it talk like a lamb?
• * Yay sleep, that’s where I’m a Viking!
• * Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?
• * That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.
• * Come to Homer’s BBBQ. The extra B’s for BYOBB. What’s that B for? It’s a typo.
• * You don’t win friends with salad.
• * let’s say L. Simpson.
• * Meat and You: Partners in Freedom.
• * Hello Bobby. It’s Jimmy.
• * It’s not really a floor
• * Is he crazy? No, just ignorant. Just ask this scientician..
• * The shark eating the gorilla.
• * When I grow up, I’m going to go to Bovine University.
• * I’ve got enough Gazpacho for all!
• * Go back to Russia.
• * One whopper for the copper.
• * It’s just a little airborne, it’s still good, it’s still good.
• * Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
• * I can’t believe I used to go out with you.
• * But what if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer? You know, it’s never come up.

4) Itchy and Scratchy Land: This episode is joke after joke after joke. It is pure fun. The plot in this one takes a backseat to some of the funniest visual gags and one-liners ever. (You’ll notice the higher I’m getting in the list, the less space I need to validate it’s place)
Favorite Moments:
• * I’ll just be sitting here reading this grownup’s newspaper.
• * We’re going to the Highway Nine Bird Sanctuary.
• * It’s shaped like a 50’s diner.
• * Bart’s dead!
• * They’re still not fighting back!
• * Recipe-Related Bumper Cars.
• * Which one of you is the mailman?
• * Remember. We’re in the Itchy lot.
• * Where nothing could possiblie go wrong possibly go wrong. That’s the first thing that’s ever gone wrong.
• * I’ll take $1,100 dollars worth.
• * I’ll have the Baby’s Guts.
• * It’s cute but I’m sure it’s sharp and very dirty.
• * See all that stuff in there, Homer? That’s why your robot never worked.
• * No, my son is also named Bort.
• * Ku Klux Klam
• * Please, kill me.
• * Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors.
• * I just want to entertain!
• * We need more “Bort” license plates.
• * Marge Simpson: we’ve also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
• * When you get to hell, tell ‘em Itchy sent ya!
• * With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.
• * Here are two free passes!
• * My children need wine.

3) Bart versus Australia: This one is the best of the “Simpsons on Vacation” episode and rips an entire continent. Take that, Australia! Plus it is infinitely quotable.
Favorite Moments:
• * In Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
• * Hitler
• * The bakery caught fire and all of downtown smells like cookies.
• * Draining? I don’t care about that anymore.
• * Just write a check and I’ll release some endorphins.
• * There’s nothing wrong with the bidet, is there?
• * I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.
• * Hey! Mister Prime Minister! Andy!
• * Just so you don’t hear any wild rumors, I’m being indicted for fraud in Australia.
• * U-R-Gay. Hahahahaha
• * I know what those words mean but that sign makes no sense.
• * It’s 6:45 next Wednesday.
• * The toilet that swirls correctly.
• * Here in America we don’t tolerate that kind of crap, sir.
• * I see you’ve played knifey/spooney before.
• * I’ll have a coffee. Beer it is. Coffee. Beer? Co-fee. Be-er. C-O. B-E.
• * Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense.
• * That throwing stick stunt has boomeranged on us.
• * I’d have called them Chazzwazzers.
• * The Doppler Effect of Homer and Bart running.
• * I’m impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
• * The USS Walter Mondale. It’s a laundry ship.

2) You Only Move Twice: This is a brilliant concept for an episode, make Homer a henchman for an evil super-genius. It also lets us see the Simpsons interact in a world outside of Springfield that isn’t dumbed down.
Favorite Moments:
• * Can’t a man walk down the street without being offered a job?
• * Bart’s lawyer is here.
• * The homeless man turning into a mailbox.
• * Oh wow! Windows!
• * So long, Stinktown!
• * Ever see a guy say goodbye to a pair of shoes before?
• * Popeye, papayeean, Popeye, papayeean.
• * We don’t have bums here and if we did they wouldn’t rush.
• * I will notice that, Mr. Scorpion. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either.
• * I didn’t even give you my coat.
• * Oh my God, the guy’s on the floor.
• * Do you have a best friend yet? Because I need someone to boss me around.
• * I know damn, hell, bit
• * I moved here from Canada and they think I’m slow, eh.
• * I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here.
• * You are so reticulated.
• * Like donuts and the possibility of more donuts.
• * Wow, a baseball made out of Secretariat.
• * I’m a guy like me.
• * Oh, the hammock district.
• * Maybe it just collapsed on its own. We can’t afford to take that chance. You always say that! I want to take a chance.
• * Nobody ever says Italy. (That’s for you, Burnside)
• * I don’t expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral.
• * I tackled a loafer at work.
• * But Homer, on your way out, if you want to kill somebody, it would help a lot.
• * Aw, the Denver Broncos.

1) Homer’s Enemy: Well, this one isn’t a shock to anyone that knows me. This episode is hands down the darkest, most messed up episode of the series ever. This episode showed us that the irresponsible and lovable goof that is Homer Simpson is in fact a potential cancer on the world that is capable of mass destruction. It reaches a level of pitch black comedy that is so inspired, so genius that no television show could ever reproduce it. It is also the most polarizing episode ever, with some people (like myself) decrying it a work of art while some people claim that it is the death of the program. Without further ado, Frank Grimes.
Favorite Moments:
• * and if true, means death for us all.
• * taught himself to hear and feel pain again.
• * Find that dog.
• * Of course old Homer, he didn’t need a degree. He just showed up the day the plant opened.
• * Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off.
• * I took the trouble to learn your name, the least you could do is learn mine. Okay, Grimey.
• * You don’t own a factory.
• * Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the ball
• * Oh, a five THIRTEEN.
• * Pigs tend to chew. I’d say he eats like a duck.
• * It’s best not to think about it.
• * I’m not made of walls.
• * From now on, we’re enemies. Okay. Do I have to do anything?
• * This is Richard Nixon’s enemy list.
• * Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?
• * And my son Bart, he owns a factory downtown.
• * I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.
• * And here’s a picture of me in outer space.
• * I’m saying you’re what’s wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you’d have starved to death long ago.
• * You’re a fraud, a total fraud. It was nice meeting you.
• * That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy, Marge. Get off the road.
• * That’s why they put erasers on pencils.
• * Marge! Do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?
• * First it started falling over, then it fell over.
• * It’s lighting this room right now.
• * I added some fins to lower wind resistance. And this racing stripe I think is pretty sharp.
• * Frank Grimes, or Grimey as he liked to be called
• * Change the channel, Marge.

Phew. There you have it, the top 20 Simpsons episodes picked by me (with help from some members of this staff and some trusty Simpsons fans who know who they are). Agree? Disagree? You know how to reach me.

Hey, wrestling happened too this week.

I watched the Great American Bash, and they got one thing right, it was American. How do I know? It took place in California, which is still part of America. The show on a whole wasn’t terrible, nor was it the worst Bash ever. Hell, it can’t be all bad if I was co-champion of the Roundtable. Now, onto my thoughts (note: this was written before RAW. RAW might have changed everything. By the time you read this, Triple H could have returned and won all of the titles in the WWE. We miss ya, Hunter!)

Matt Hardy vs. MVP: It wasn’t half-bad. I will give it to JBL, he is selling the crap out of these two. You listen to his commentary and you might actually believe that Matt Hardy could be the next world champion or that MVP is the most talented guy on the roster. In a match where he didn’t step foot in the ring, JBL was the star of the bout. Oh, and I like Hardy losing to MVP clean. When Hardy wins the belt, it should be at Summerslam. Now, these two are even at 1 apiece. Make the rubber match mean something.

The Cruiserweight Invitational/Open/Gauntlet/Rumble/Time-Killer was meh at best. They did a few signature spots, but it is so frustrating to watch guys that are equal to or better then the X-Division competitors go out there and wrestle a mediocre match. Oh, and I love Hornswaggle as champion. No one cares about anyone in the cruiserweight division, but the fans love that little guy. The belt is meaningless until Helms comes back, and with Chavo unencumbered, he can re-feud with Rey.

Sandman/Carlito was great because it showed that I was 100% right about Vince supporting the Sandman. It was complete bullshit. Yeah, Sandman got to climb a pole, but in the end, he looked like a bitch. This feud will now continue and Sandman might get the win, but you can’t build a credible program based solely on the fans wanting to see Carlito get hit with a stick. Wait, this is the WWE. Of course you can.

Candice/Melina was pretty sloppy and not all that entertaining. And what the hell is with Candice’s finisher? Did they just decide to take Stratusfaction and idiot-proof it? Ah well, here comes Beth Phoenix to take the belt of Candice and then we can get Phoenix/James! The fans want it! It’s still real to me, damnit! Katie, bar the door!

I am gonna catch flack for this, but I liked the Umaga/Jeff Hardy match. It told a decent story, it used ring psychology and Jeff took some serious bumps. And did you hear the fans? Fuck. They were living and dying with every move in that match. Say what you want about these two, they can pop a crowd.

John Morrison versus CM Punk. Talk about an “I told you so” match. Punk was white hot when he came into the WWE. Now? The fans wouldn’t spit on him if he were on fire. They sat on their hands this entire match. These are the same fans that marked out for an Umaga match. CM Punk will go down as the latest in a long line of botched pushes in the WWE. Go back into my archives and read about how I called it almost five months ago that they were going to do this. And to have him job cleanly again? In the Roundtable I said that Morrison should have gone over with underhanded tactics so that the fans have a reason to cheer for Punk in a rematch. Now, we have a guy that the fans already don’t care about getting pinned clean AGAIN! Not only that, but he got pinned on a botched spot. Fuck. Why should the fans even care about CM Punk now? As far as I’m concerned, this match killed ECW and it’ll take a miracle to bring it back from the dead.

Dusty Rhodes versus Randy Orton wasn’t a very good bullrope match. And that’s saying something. This was slow and plodding and bloodless! Come on, Dusty! Look at your f*cking forehead! You’re already nine shades of purple, what’s one more blade job? It’s a drop in the bucket. And thank goodness Randy Orton won this match. Say what you want about Orton but having the next world champion lose to Dusty Rhodes would be the biggest booking mistake since the previous match on the card. Eh, at least Cody got to have his face-off. You can hear Dusty pitching this storyline to Vince. “You see, you got the son sticking up for the proud papa against that nogoodsummumabitch Randy Orton. Then you got them fans all wrapped up in the boh versus the disrespectful no-good bastard only for the boh to fall short. Then his papa’s standin over his broken son, lookin for revenge. It’s biblical! Then you got the daddy takin on that garden snake, only he too falls at the devil’s feet. But then, just when ol’ pappa’s gonna get his skull caved in, the boh runs in to save his daddy! I tell ya, brother, that’s a moment right there.” Fuckin’ Dusty. He’s still got enough in him to con Vince.

Khali over Kane and Batista. It was what it was. No one expected a good match. Thankfully, the WWE tried to give us a lot of Kane and Batista. Thankfully, Khali went over. Let the WWE get this out of their system now, folks.

Cena/Lashley was like 90% dull. It was a power match that lacked any real story. The match did pick up when Cena locked in the STFU. They gave the fans a hot finish, and for that I guess we should be grateful. When Lashley speared Cena, you heard the fans erupt. Some wanted to see this thing over. Some wanted Cena to fight on. The FU off the top rope was pretty damn cool and probably the only believable way to finish off Lashley. The match was decent and I hope the rematch is better.

Well, that’ll do it for this week. Next week we’re back to our normal format and I got a pretty interesting topic lined up, assuming nothing major happens this week in wrestling.

This has been for your consideration.

Go see the Simpsons Move.

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