I’M JUST BACK FROM OTAKON
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So we’re live at O’Briens pub in Franklin, New Jersey. I’ve spent the entire day reading Harry Potter, and after I leave here, before I finish writing this show, I’ll be finishing reading it. So let’s get this damn show over with already…
JEFFREY – Who killed Dumbledore.
HERNANDEZ – Who killed Voldemort
BILL – Who killed the Weasleys
And your host, your lightning scarred host, James Hatton.
Joining us as always is the Inside Pulse Forumers, those that shall not be named… except right here… THE INSYDERZ.
We start with the Coach explaining that Cena won last night and next month is Summerslam.
“Starting the show off with The Coach, good move WWE.” – Insyder Crippie
Tonight, we’ll find out Cena’s opponent. Tonight we’re having a Champions Only match… so Umaga, the Tag Champs, Cena, and… Candice?!
“Where’s Al Snow from Transylvania?” – Hernandez
Tonight though, Cody versus Randy Orton… nice.
In the ring is a royal feast… a donut? Weird.
Now in the ring, here comes King Booker enjoying his goblet of mead or somesuch.
GOOD SIGN SO FAR: I MISS THE ROCK
Booker refers to Lawler as ‘Jerome’.
“Come, partake of my fruit.” – Bill
So Bookah invites him into the ring, to discuss how only one should be the true King of the WWE. As a note, the table is half royal, and half ‘table’.
“He’s gonna get Krispy Kreme eyes.” – Bill
King says Jerry looks good today. As Jerry tries to talk, his mic conks out… Booker saves the moment. Last year, Booker was made King. It’s an empty gesture for Lawler to call himself King.
“He’s a paper King.” – Bill
Bookah makes heel heat by mentioning the ‘Sacramento Kings’ winning nothing. Booker wants the franchise renamed to the ‘Sacramento Peasants’. Funny bit. Should Jerome, too, be king? Should Triple H be King? All Hell Naw!
“If Oliver Platt shows up and says he is the true king, I will mark like a teenage girl does when Hardy takes off his shirt.” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
The only King is Bookah.
“I want to see them recreate “The King and I” as a storyline with Booker.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
As Lawler tries to interrupt, Sharmel starts an ‘All Hail King Bookah’ – The crowd is hot!
Lawler finally starts talking. If the people don’t think of you as a King, then you really aren’t apparently.
“Just cuz some watery tart lobs a scimitar atcha!” – Me
“That’s no form of gov’nment.” – Bill
Lawler then calls Bookah a ‘Royal Pain In The Arse’
“Tell me he did NOT just say that.” – Hernandez
King will stand for this insubordination no longer.
“His vocabulary has improved SO much since this King business.” – Bill
King then breaks and gets into Lawler’s face. Lawler clocks him and beats him out of hte ring. Then throws all the fruit at Booker.
“Melons right to the head!” – Hernandez
“Carlito is somewhere going ‘Thass Not Cool'” – Bill
Lawler then grabs the crown.
“He looks like he’s going on safari.” – Bill
“In the Seranghetti?” – Hernandez
We then get a replay of 30 seconds ago.
“We just saw this!” – Bill
Bookah at the top, ‘I’m gonna gitchoo Jerry!’
Coming down is Melina and Beth Phoenix… well now.
“Beth is looking tasty.” – Me
“Oh boy, diva’s tag match. 8 chances of “spillage”” – Insyder Crippie
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:14
We’re back and here comes Melina & Beth!
“Did Melina’s boobs get bigger?” – Jeffrey
“They’re mushed together more.” – Hernandez
Now here comes Mickie James in a boobish tied top. AND MARIA!
“Oh to be a straining piece of string.. (upon Maria) OH! to be an Italian jobber.” – Me
“We have the dream team damn it, and Santino’s spoiling it!” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
Santino is on the commentary. Oof.
“Why is Santino in his wrestling gear?” – Insyder Cash Keruoac
“I’m not taking him seriously until he starts wrestling in overalls.” – Insyder JollyPodger
“It worked for Bob Holly!” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
MICKIE & MARIA vs BETH & MARIA
Mickie starting with Beth. Beth tries to push her out and they go hair to hair. Beth charges Mickie in the corner and legs around Beth’s face and… Rana. Beth now grabs Mickie and charges her to the corner. Tag to Melina.
Mickie and Melina go punch to punch with Melina getting the top spot. Tossed to the corner and Melina eats a boot. Tag to Maria. Double throw to the ropes. Double bodydrop! Maria tries to grab Melina against the ropes, and Beth kicks her in the face.
“Did Maria just do a move.” – Jeffrey
“And took one!” – Hernande
Melina now on top.. so to speak.. with punches and kicks. Tag to Beth. Snapmare and a pin for two.
Chinlock and punches from Beth. Maria stands out of it, but gets beat down into a hammerlock. ‘Look outta Mariaa’ – Santino
“God I hate you Santino.” – Hernandez
“Five bucks says that Santino stars a woman beating gimmick.” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
“Then what would Austin’s gimmick be?” – Insyder Crippie
Tag to Melina and she goes clubbing all over Maria. Maria’s faces of pain/ecstasy are… amazing. Fieldgoal kick from Melina. Hairpulls and such. Hot tag to Mickie!
She leaps over the top and headscissors drops Melina. Thesz Press to Melina.
“Shades of Trish.. Who?” – Me
Picks up Melina, to the ropes, Bethgrabs Mickie’s hair. Back elbows drop her. SHe hits Melina for two.
“Melina’s psychic ability had her falling before she was touched!” – Jeffrey
Tag to Mickie. Monkeyflip from Mickie, flying cross from Maria. Pin stopped from Beth. They now grab Maria – double toss – Maria ducks it – Santino pulls Beth’s and Melina’s legs… MARIA GRABS MELINA! BULLDOG!
“Maria won off a bulldog!?” – Me
“With interference.. what you want her to do a vertabreaker?” – Hernandez
“YES!” – Me
“That would be hot.” – Bill
So Mickie and Maria celebrate in the ring and Santino joins in.
“So now… you’ah slip her thah tongue.” – Bill
WINNER: MICKIE & MARIA
He’s faced… every challenge…
“Except Gingavitus..” – Me
Last night at the Great American Bash, Cena faced..
“Gingavitus..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:26
Last night.. Randy beat the shit out of Rhodes and Cody saved the day.
Brisco is in the back talking with Cody, giving him tips.
“And don’t tongue kiss him like you did me..” – Me
Randy interrupts and they go nose to nose discussing how Cody should be afraid of Randy. Cody apparently his.
“And this kid is kicking Orton’s ass as far as talking is considered. And that’s not easy.” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
“You are really that surprised that a Rhodes is outtalking an Orton? Really?” – Insyder JollyPodger
“Come on, Cody’s unborn great-grandson could outtalk Randy.” – Insyder Kerry B
‘You do this to yourself’ – as Cody is gone.
“WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?”
“Snitsky?” – Bill
And there’s Snitsky… talking about shit he did when he was seven year old…
Todd now talks with Cena. Cena has Todd close his eyes. He builds a weird scenerio about Candice Michelle. I have no idea what that was about… amusing though.
“You like dudes.” – Bill
Cena has a message for his future #1 Contender. ‘If you want some..’
“I’ll be at Sizzler” – Me
“I got a coupon.” – Bill
From the ‘great minds..’ file:
” If you want some, COME GET SOME! I will be down at the docks, prices start at 4 dollars.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
Here comes Sandman! He apparently won last night against Carlito. Now here comes Hacksaw…. oy.
“Will it be another ‘damn’ gay joke again?” – Jeffrey
“I think his stick beats Sandman’s stick.” – Bill
“Isn’t that Schtick?” – Me
Now it’s REGAL TIME! His music, robe, and strut, is awesome. Oh.. and Carlito.
REGAL & CARLITO vs. SANDMAN & DUGGAN
Regal starting with a kick to Sandman. Punching him down. Throws Sandman to the ropes.. reversed by Sandman and a backelbow who cheapshots Carlito and now front facelok to Regal.
“Given 15 minutes, I think Regal and Sandman could put on an awesome brawl match.” – Me
Fast tags from Regal’s side with beatings on Sandman. Regal goes for a suplex. Blocked and a reversal from Sandman. Tags to Hacksaw and Carlito and Hacksaw throws his head into the turnbuckle. Into the ropes and a back bodydrop from Duggan.
Top rope punches to Carlito. Throws Carlito to the corner. Three point Stance, and missed from Carlito – Backstabber gets the win.
Tonight, also – Jeff Hardy vs. Kenneddddyyyy!
“Was Kennedy set up there for a bitchslap?” – Jeffrey
“Always.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:45
Rey is coming back! Now though, he’s in a magazine.
In the back, Carlito and Regal discuss how things are going Carlito’s way… he spits his apple.. at Lashley.
“DAMN!” – Me
“Oh, Carlito’s about to die? Dat’s Cool.” – Insyder Kerry B
Carlito bolts…. to the ringside! He gets to the ring and explains that ‘sometimes in life accidents happen..’
“That’s why I have 3 children.” – Me
Carlito then publically apologizes to Lashley. ‘If you accept my apology.. don’t say or do anything.’ He then waits and here comes Lashley.
“Really, do we need a rehash of the spilling coffee on Kane angle??? these are both DUMB reasons to have a feud…” – Insyder Hollywood
“If you call Carlito’s quick, painful death a feud, sure.” – Insyder Kerry B
As Bobbie gets to the apron, Carlito knees him.
“I was just gonna say Okay..” – Hernandez
Carlito throws him around the outside and bails, but Lashley hits a standing leap over the steps! Lashley charges after Carlito and catches him and throws him into the ring. Powerslam to his feet!
“This is cuz I’m not on the show tonight.. just wanted to say Hello.” – Me
“They should have done a football replay on that jump.” – Bill
“I was waiting for his tibia to break.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
So Nitro changed his name to Morrison?
“He kinda looks like Morrison” – Me
“Yeah, if Morrison was on roids.” – Hernandez
“Randy’s looking light.” – Me
“Benoit’s gone.” – Hernande
“Hey.” – Jeffrey
RANDY ORTON vs. CODY RHODES
Say… hey… ghey.
Bell rings and they pace around each other. Lock up. Randy gets a headlock.
RANDY HEADLOCK COUNT: ONE
Cody tries to fight it, but Randy keeps getting to his feet with the headlock. Finally Cody hits a headscissors and Randy slaps him in the face and Cody clocks him.
Knee to Cody and now punches and european uppercuts. Throws him to the corner, and Randy eats a flying crossbody for two. Kick to the gut from Randy. Throws Randy to the corner and a sunset flip for two. Big punch from Randy drops the kid.
Picks him up now and hits the Orton backbreaker. Garvin Stomp. Bitchslaps all over Cody now. Cody hits a kick to the gut. A few big punches. Hits the ropes and eats a solid dropkick.
“Cody’s making his imprint..” – JR
“And Orton is.. on Cody’s face.” – Bill
One big fist from Orton though drops Cody. Now Orton pushes him to the corner and tosses him hard to the corner. Hard european. Boots to his throat. Cody pulls to his feet though and gets thrown to the ropes. Ducks a clothesline and a rollup for two.
Orton’s clothesline destroys Cody though for two.
RANDY HEADLOCK COUNT: TWO
They fight it out – punch to punch. Orton gets ahead and throws Cody to the rope… Cody drops and slaps to the face, great old Rhodes move. To the top turnbuckle goes Cody… misses a HUGE elbow hard!
Randy now starts to ground pound and hits the RKO!
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Now Randy sets up for another RKO, but here comes Dusty who punches Randy out of the way.
“Where’s Cowboy Bob when you need him?” – Bill
“At home with hepatitus.” – Hernandez
Rhodes is now checking on Cody.
“I can’t find his pulse! Wait, that’s his boot..” – Me
Randy runs and hits the running boot to Dusty.
“You took his head, now you took his power!” – Hernandez
“So does that mean Randy’s going to gain 300 pounds?” – Jeffrey
“Dusty just got laid out by one kick, so the RKO is less effective that a well placed kick?” – Insyder Crippie
“I got it! The boot was poisoned!” – Jack The Ripper
So here comes the EMTs..
“I think we’re going to need a bigger gurney.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:08
Whose time is it? KENNEDY’S TIMMMME!
“I weigh in at a flippant… 247 poundsssss..” – Hernandez
Kennedy directs his comments to Jonathan Coachman.
“You needn’t look no further..” – Kennedy
“Wasn’t that a double negative.” – Jeffrey
“Your Kennedy has evolved into WWE Champ.” – Bill
And herrrreee’s Jeffy
MISTER KENNEDY vs. JEFF HARDY
Jeff tries to clap for some heat at the beginning of the match.
“Patty cake Patty cake.” – Hernandez
Jeff ties Kennedy into the corner and the ref breaks it up. Armwringer from Kennedy. Stompies down. Wring out from Kennedy and reversals from Hardy.
“Jeff Hardy has used CONFUSION.” – Bill
Pushes Kennedy to the ropes and pulls Jeff’s hair. Breaks it at 3 and goes in for the cheapshot. Throws Jeff to the ropes and misses the dropkick. Jeff hits the double legdrop. Kennedy rolls into his own pin? Weird.
Another missed dropkick. Another pin. Someting f*cked up there. We’re not sure what. Jeff now brings Kennedy to the corner and kicks on Kennedy. Kennedy comes back with his own and boots Jeff to the head.
Again, more hammerlock reversals. Kennedy rolls Jeff out of the ring and hits the ropes for the baseball slide MISS. Jeff comes in and hits the top rope dive. Both are outside.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:19
Simpson’s Krusty Burger King Commercial might be the greatest thing ever.. as a note.
We’re back with Jeff getting an Alabama slam for two. Stompies. Kennedy then leg chokes Jeff against the middle rope. All the while Coachman watches from his office.
Kennedy gets a two count. Front facelock. Jeff fights out of it.
“Give him the rope.. DON’T GIVE HIM THE ROPE!” – Hernandez
Jeff hits the ropes and eats and big fist and a neckbreaker for two. Jeff fights to his feet but Kennedy continues just to beat the shit out of him. Underarm headlock now from Kennedy. Jeff punches now. Throws Kennedy to the corner. Jeff leaps up.. slips.. faceplant to the corner.
“You are NOT RVD” – Hernandez
As we come back, Jeff leaps up to the top and a whisper in the wind…. great, two blown spots repeated.
“That’s bad.” – Hernandez
Flip leg mulekick and the top rope dropkick from Jeff, pin stopped with Kennedy’s hands on the ropes.
Kennedy picks up Jeff, he fights out of it – Jeff slips for the X-Factor. As Jeff goes to the top, Kennedy runs out.
“I’m not taking another f*cked up move.” – Me
And Hardy is running the rails.
“So he’s taking another f*cked up move.” – Hernande
So they fight on the outside and Hardy runs in at the 8….
Winner by countout… ech.
“This is like everyone of my Smackdown vs. Raw matches.” – Bill
WINNER VIA DUMB: JEFF HARDY
“I’d like to think during his f*ck-up Jeff was admiring Kennedy’s boots.” – Hernandez
“WTF? Way to build Kennedy up there guys” – Insyder Khali Sucks
We now get Lawler and JR discussing how hurt Rhodes is. We get shots of Rhodes being fed onto the gurney.
“I like that Hacksaw is there with the journal of medicine. ‘I CAN MAKE A SPLINT!” – Hernandez
“See ya later… TOUGH GUY!” – Me
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:30
“Where’s our DAMN moment?” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
“I was think more along the lines of “where’s the DAMN remote.”” – Insyder SpiderPig
On another note, the dog talking to the stoned chick… is awesome.
“I want to smoke weed so I can get a puppy that talks to me.” – Me
And Triple H is back at Summerslam.
“Jericho back – awesome push… Hunter back.. push ends.” – Hernandez
“Put him on Smackdown.” – Me
It’s Kendrick & London time!
Also it’s black and white crime!
HOOLIGANZ! vs. THE WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM!
We could watch this match every week…
“This should be a fun three minute match” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
“Sadly, you’ll probably be right on about the time” – Insyder Khali Sucks
Haas starting with Kendrick, but cheapshots all around. Toprope armdrag now from Kendrick. Flying headscissors. Kendrick throws Haas, reversed and Kendrick ducks under Shelton’s cheapshot to eat a baseball slide by Haas.
Back in the ring, there is a tag to Shelty. Punches continue to drop Kendrick. Sitting headlock. Kendrick hits the ropes and Shelton eats boot. Pin for two, stopped by London.
Haas tagged in and locks in the body scissors AND chinlock. Wraps into a side headlock. Kendrick fights up and hits an enzuigiri. He fights for a tag, gets London. In he runs and stops the tag to Shelty. Cross rope forearm. Dropkick. Slides under a leg. Atomic drop. Rana! Ducks a clothesline from Shelty and hits a dropkick.
Double dropkick to Haas!
“IT’S STILL A HOTTAG!!” – Hernandez
Kendrick gets thrown out HARD…
“Did you see JR catch his tooth?” – Me
Haas grabs London, kicked to the ropes, leapfrom drop from Shelty. Bridged pin from Shelty. That’s that.
“I don’t care that they lost… they could lose everytime for awesome matches like that.” – Hernandez
“I was wrong though. It was four minutes long.” – Insyder Jack The RIpper
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
Once again they give us how hurt Dusty is…
Now though, here comes King Bookah! Book looks pissed.
“Is that the Pope?” – Random Drunk Guy
“Canceling the main event for a 20 minute King BOOKA! promo? We can only hope” – Insyder Khali Sucks
Sharmel bibbles on…. Bookah explains next week Book versus Lawler in his ring.
“They forget to set this up earlier?” – Hernandez
Todd in the back asks Coachman if he’s made his #1 Contender match.
“Nope. See ya.” – Hernandez
He is going right now to inform the challenger. Candice runs into him to beg that she doesn’t want to face Umaga. He’s scary.
“Umaga smells like pineapple.. I’m ALLERGIC to pineapple.” – Me
“Should have given him the breathalizer test.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
“Boogidy Boogidy BOO!” – Jeffrey
Cade & Murdoch.
“Fruity Fruity Skittles!” – Me
“Coming out cringing.” – Hernandez
She looks…. off.
“She looks terrible since she held the belt.” – Hernandez
“She looks tired.” – Me
“So who is going to run down during the match.” – Me
“Think it’ll be another chick” – Drunk bar guy.
CADE & MURDOCH & UMAGA vs. CANDICE & CENA
CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.. sorta..
So Cena runs down and clears house.. except Umaga who he shoudlers and drops. Cade now drags Cena to the corner and the punchies begin. Tag to Cade for the lift up legdrop. More tags back and forth.
Nothing really goes on… just lots of slow tagged beatings.
Finally Cena hits the rolling neckbreaker to Cade. Blue thunder to Murdoch. Flying to Umaga.. caught and sidewalk slammed. Cade and Murdoch surround Candice and she runs into the ring right to Umaga.
“Land shark.” – Hernandez
Cade and Murdoch hold her down.
“Put your foot up.. I dare you.” – Hernandez
In runs Jeff who comes out and chairshots Umaga all the way right up the ramp.
In the ring, back bodydrop from Cena to Cade. Shoulder charges to Murdoch AND Cade. FU to Cade. The end.
“Yep.. Cena can beat the tag champs.. woo..” – Hernandez
WINNER: CANDICE & CENA
Now who is coming out?
“Oh, hi Randy.” – Me
Cena turns around and RKO. Coach comes out to inform us that the new #1 Contender..
“Hacksaw Jim…… what?” – Me
Cena vs. Orton at Summerslam.
“I really want a main event debate again.” – Hernandez
How was the show?
“Wasn’t bad. General show.” – Jeffrey
“Considering it followed the Bash.. and we knew what the Bash was going to be. I’m glad I saw London & Kendrick.” – Hernandez
“And yep… it was a show alright.” – Me
What did the Insyders think?
Jack The Ripper – “Not a bad Raw all things considered.”
Crippie – “What I’ll remember from this night is the divas, other than that pure excrement.”
Khali Sucks – “Wigger vs Retard SMELL THE EXCITEMENT!!”
Kromadas – “Yeah, it all sucked. And not in the good way. In the too much tooth, not enough licking kind of way.”
I think it should be explained to all the readers that aren’t the forumers that this show was about as fun as a good stiff enema, and the commentary reflects that.
Tags: Raw, WWE