CPO presents: Our first annual Big Old List!
Intro: You know, for kids?
Having written around 100 columns for Popcorn Junkies (nee Inside Pulse Movies), I felt it time for a large list.
You see the kids, god bless ’em, love lists.
Plus, people tend to think of me as hating all movies. This will afford me the opportunity to look on the bright side (like that Murray cat used to do in the Wrestling section).
We welcome any challenges, or additions that you all might have to this big ol’ list. Perhaps we shall amend it to be a bigger ol’ list sometime in the future.
CPO’s first Annual Bid Ol’ List
The Best Film Featuring a Professional Wrestler in the Lead Role
They Live!
The Best Use of a Professional Wrestler in a Supporting Role
The Princess Bride
The Best Film Based on a Television Series
The Fugitive
The Best Film Based on a Video Game
Resident Evil
(Note: This choice was difficult, as Video Game movies tend to range from Awful to Really Awful. It required grading on a curve. The curve chosen was the film’s level of entertainment relative to it’s respective game. The Resident Evil movies are more entertaining than some of the Resident Evil games.)
Best Film based on a Super-Hero Comic Book
Spider-Man 2
Most Logical Casting Choice in a Super-Hero movie
Patrick Stewart as Professor X (X-Men)
Best Film Based on a Girly Comic Book
Ghost World
Best Film Based on a Frank Miller Comic Book
Sin City
Best Monster Movie Crossover
Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman
(Note: The film is not without its troubles. Bela Lugosi’s performance as the Monster was based on the creature being both blind and having the both the voice and displaced brain of hunchback Ygor. All of the Monster’s dialog is omitted from the final film, as well as the blindness and Ygor-ness. As such, the monster just seems vaguely clumsy and retarded.)
Film Which Best Understands Time Travel
The Terminator
Film Which Best Understands Space
2001: A Space Odyssey
The Best Number 2
Aliens
The Best Number 3
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
(Note: Sequels are judged in the context of their series.)
The Best Number 4
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Best Number 10
Jason X
(Note: This film also features the best weapon with which to bludgeon teenagers: Other teenagers.)
Film with the Best Remake
The Fly
Film with the Best 2 remakes
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
(Note: We’ll soon see if the third remake will be any good.)
The Queen of the Extras!
Bess Flowers
Best Henchman
Oddjob (Goldfinger)
Strangest Casting Choice in a Good Movie
Charlton Heston as a Mexican in Touch of Evil
Most Confusing Monster Attribute
Torgo’s Big Knees (“Manos”: The Hands of Fate)
Best Monkey Movie
Planet of the Apes (1968)
Best Pirate Movie
The Fog (1980)
Best Film in which Women Lay Dinosaur Eggs
Carnosaur
Best Thing to Shout to Isabella Rossellini if, by chance, you meet on the street
“Don’t you f*cking look at me!”
Most Short-sighted use of God-like powers
Kung Fu (The Matrix trilogy)
Characters I find to be Eerily Similar
Asami Yamazaki (Audition) and Amélie (Amélie)
Best Fights Section
Best Handicapped Match
Keung vs. the Gang (Rumble in the Bronx)
Best Squash
Oharra vs. Lee (Enter the Dragon)
Best Handicapped Squash
Will Munny vs. everybody (Unforgiven)
Best Cruiserweight vs. Heavyweight match
Rob Roy vs. Archibald Cunningham (Rob Roy)
Most Wonderfully Ridiculous use of a Vertical Suplex
Blade 2
Outro
That’s enough for now. Here is a Kennedy Column Status update for those who care about such things:
-I am presently having a blast in the DVD Lounge.
-AHA! is currently on hiatus; a situation which will be exacerbated by Beyond The Threshold absorption into MGF and Broken Dial. I’ve tentative plans for the column, but won’t say more at this moment.
-HTMD is also currently on hiatus, as I feel it no longer fits in with Moodspins. I’ve tentative plans for the column, but won’t say more at this moment.
-The wife and I have been podcasting on a loose twice a week schedule over at PodOmatic.
That is all.
