SUMMERSLAM IS ON THE WAY
ORTON vs. CENA
SURE, WHY NOT
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Here we are once again at O’Briens Tavern in Franklin, NJ with the report that reports on our witty report. See what I did there? It’s ok if you didn’t. Anyway, let’s tell you who will be playing tonight.
We have Bill – He’s a Pisces and likes walks on the beach.
We have Jeffrey – He’s a Gemini and likes puppies.
We have Hernandez – He’s a Taurus and likes apples!
Finally, we have me – I’m an Aries and like dry-humping cheerleaders.
Finally, an amalgamation of astrological acrophiles, the Insyders!
Tonight – a six man diva tag match. Sure…
“Hey… wrestling’s on.” – Hernandez
Last Monday, we found out that Randy Orton is going to be the new Number One Contender.
Ah, and here comes Cena. What a way to start.. umm.. every week.
Cena addresses that at Summerslam he’ll be facing Orton. Orton has apparently done his homework. He made his mark by giving Cena the RKO last week like Lashley did it before him, and Khali before him.
“Wait, I keep taking finishers… I quit.” – Hernandez
Cena then tells Orton four words: the Champ.. is . ya know, he spits in the face of those who don’t wanna be cool.
“Wait, that’s more than four words.” – Hernandez
“Those four words: Hulk Hogan always wins” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Carlito is here! Cena is going to be the first guest on the new Carlito Cabana. Cute.
“I like that there are all white guys setting up the spanish set.” – Hernandez
So they set up the ring with the hammock and the chairs.
“Get comfortable, I have a very important quesiton.” – Carlito
“Can you out run an anvil?” – Hernandez
“*stroking beard* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA” – Me
“We need Piper now! there are coconuts about!” – Insyder AFacelessName
Carlito explains to Cena that he beat him for the US Title! Cena then mentions about how Carlito then jumped him in a nightclub.
“CONTINUITY!” – Me
“Are they going to acknowledge that Cena won against Umaga and Khali and lost to Carlito.” – Hernandez
“I think Carlito is the only one that remembers beating Cena for the US Title.” – Insyder SychoJason
So Cena addresses that it was YEARS ago when this happened, and now we’re going to have some fun. Carlito though, has his number. Orton has had everything handed to him on a silver platter. This was all interrupted by… KENNEDY!
Here comes Kennedy.
“I was just hoping someone hit the button in the back and he didn’t show up.” – Hernande
Kennedy then explains that Carlito ran from Lashley last week. This may be Carlito’s talk show – it’s Kennedy’s ring.
“I should have been #1 Contender when I first got here.” – Kennedy
“He makes a point” – Bill
Carlito and Kennedy go screaming ‘Kennedy’ ‘Carlito’ back and forth.
“Lashley’s gonna collect himself some pokemans.” – Me
“Carlito! Kennedy! Carlito! Kennedy! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season – FIRE!” – Insyder bluelobster
Cena then interrupts and explains that Randy Orton is the number one contender because he deserves it. Kennedy should face Lashley. Carlito beat him 3 years ago. What has he done since then. He gets a match with Cena tonight.
“And someone’s guest booker tonight!” – Me
“Carlito’s winning the Title tonight!!!!!! Uh, right? Please? Pretty please?” – Insyder Khali_Sucks
Carlito and Kennedy are left in the ring arguing, and they have some great chemistry!
“Offer him a drink.” – Hernandez
“Offer him a microphone!” – Bill
Coming later, Bookah vs. Lawler for Kingmanship.
So we come back and I don’t even get a chance to see Maria enter the ring. Sadly, she brought Mario Mario.
“And I think to make this whole woman beater gimmick work out, Santino’s gotta start bringing cans of beer to the ring and stumble around.” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
In the ring already is Melina, Beth, and Jillian.
“Santino, he came to this country with dreams of being a big strong manly wrestler, like those three.” – Insyder bluelobster
CANDICE, MARIA, MICKIE vs. MELINA, BETH, JILLIAN
Twelve Angry Breasts
Jillian starting with Maria. She throws Jillian to the corner and rolls out of a stomp. Tag to Mickie holding Jillian and a double axe to her arm.
Mickie shoulder blocks Jillian and charges her to the corner and a tag to Melina.
Melina and Mickie fighting it out in the corner, and Melina throws a batch of elbows and gets tossed into the corner to throw one more. Hits the head scissors and the running clothesline. Tag to Candice. Double leg roll.
“crap.” – Hernandez
Candice gets hurled to the ropes and Jillian misses with the cheat kick. Candice sells it though and a tag to Beth for an elbow for two. Fight on the feet. Beth slams Candice, but it’s reversed with a russian leg sweep. She gets the hot tag to Maria.
“Hot tag indeed.” – Me
Melina with the clotheslines around. Knee to Melina. Bulldog for — stopped by Beth. Thesz onto Beth. Candice boots Jillian and they roll around horribly – and a lifted X-Factor onto Maria from Melina and Beth…
“I’d double team Maria.” – Bill
“They just did.” – Hernandez
“Lucky gals.” – Bill
So we have a pin and a win, but Maria’s leg is WAY up!
“WOO HOO! YAY FOR MARIA’S CAMEL TOE!” – Insyder Hypnotoad
WINNERS: BAD GIRLS
“Santino then challenges the ref to a match.. and loses.” – Bill
Hey, Trips is coming back… did you know that?
(After every pedigree) “OW OW OW OW OW” – Me
“Maybe he should change his finisher.” – Hernandez
“Uh oh, watch out Booker, it’s time to relive WrestleMania 19 all over again.” – Insyder SychoJason
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
Who is in the ring… Santino…
“I think you might be right Bill.” – Me
“Mario is disclosing his quest to free Peach from the dirty claws of Bowser” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Santino can’ta believe’a what’a he’a is’a seein’a.
“AHH FETUCINNI SPAGHETTI SPICY MEATAHBALL” – Bill
Here comes the heel turn as he yells at the ref. Who is going to stop him… Umaga!?
“Double heel/face turn?!” – Me
“And in comes said Bowser!” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
Santino’a wants’a to’a talk’a bout’a Maria’a.
Ref gets the mic from Santino and says ‘Ring the bell’ – GENIUS!
UMAGA vs. SANTINO
Umaga punches him. Assbump. Picks him up. Black hole slam. Gets to two and picks him up.
“I’ma justa lika Tommy Dreamer” – Bill
Thumb poke of doom.
“Umaga with the comedy bit of the show.” – Me
“What are they going to do with Umaga now?” – Hernandez
“Double heel/face..” – Me
“Umaga as a face?” – Jeff
“He just did a face maneuver.” – Hernandez
Todd is here with Sharmel and Bookah. Book’s cape looks awesome.
“It’s.. a cape.” – Hernandez
“What is that… velvet?” – Me
“First Bowser kicks Mario’s head off, and now we get King Booker? The writing staff’s been on the 1-Up Mushrooms – and that’s not a BAD THING….” – Insyder bluelobster
Bookah calls out Lawler and mentions Trips again. The real king’s name is….
“………line?” – Hernandez
“HAKU!” – Me
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:34
In the back – Coach is stopped by Cody. Coach feels that Dusty was disrespected.. so much that he wants to see it again.
“Brought to you by Lugz! Here’s your boot of the week.” – Hernandez
“We switched Orton’s boot with Folgers Crystals!” – Me
(And Dani shows up during the replay..)
“Suddenly the show isn’t so gay.” – Hernandez
So Coach asks Cody how his father is. Cody is all beaten to shit. Coach understands how a son would want some revenge, but Coach can’t allow it. So he can’t touch Randy Orton. To be on Raw, you have to win.
“Just ask Masters.” – Me
Cody has to win to stay. If you lose…
“You get the Jericho position.” – Hernandez
“Leader of a band?” – Me
“To be on RAW you have to win? And Val Venis is still on RAW…why?” – Insyder The Titan
“I wonder what will happen! That exclamation point was well-advised.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
Todd now… again… Randy Orton with him.
“*PFHHHHBBBT* Hear that.. that’s later.” – Me
“I just had chipolte…” – Hernandez
Apparently, nobody wants to wrestle Orton this week. It was at Summerslam he won his first title. So umm.. Slaughter wants to wrestle him. Randy’s a maggot and he feels that only a maggot would want to … umm
“Maggot Maggot?” – Me
“Maggot Brother?” – Bill
“…..little shit.” – Hernandez
“Ah yes, Summerslam 2004. Orton defeated Nobody to win the World Heavyweight Title, a few months after Nobody’s title win at Wrestlemania.” – Insyder bluelobster
“Orton won the belt in a tournament in Rio de Janeiro after it was vacated at Wrestlemania.” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“Nobody has had quite an illustrious history hasn’t he? Never winning so many titles.” – Insyder JollyPodger
“It was one of the best careers I never saw.” – Insyder bluelobster
“He must NOT be named!” – Insyder The Titan
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:43
“Still jacked.” – Hernandez
“He likes pretty princesses and chocolate.” – Dani
“If you want my chocolate, you must come down to the ring.” – Dani
DAVAIRI vs. CODY RHODES
With Mohammad’s music!
Here comes Cody! For Davairi’s chocolate.
Bell rings with Akbar fighting it out with him.
“IT’S A TRAP… it’s been awhile.. sorry.” – Me
Ok, so Davairi punches his way out, but gets tripped into the middle turnbuckle. Reverse neckbreaker from Davairi. Pin for two.
Snapmare. Nervepinch. Cody gets to his feet and throws Davairi into the corner. Flying clothesline, then punches just like his father. Crossbody for two. While the crowd chants ‘USA’.
“You think Davairi is the Iraqi dream?” – Bill
An awesome bulldog from Cody for two. He charges in and eats a back elbow. Davairi runs in and a HUGE powerslam! Gorgeous! Kicks to the gut. DDT. Wraps the leg. Done.
“Cody’s finisher is a DDT?” – Insyder Crippie
We’re marking for Cody.
“Does anyone else look at Cody and think “future heel”?” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
“It may just be me but I look at Cody and see future TNA MidCarder.” – Insyder KyleJordan
No replays?! Dammit! Here comes Lashley…
“We lose highlights for milkduds.. why!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:52
KEEENNNEDDDDYYY!!!! is here.
He introduces himself as the real #1 contender. His second name is interrupted by Bobby Lashley.
“I choose you!” – Bill
MR. KENNEDY vs. LASHLEY
“Gonna have me some fun!” – Hernandez
“Gonna get me some pokemons..” – Me
Bell rings and they circle. Stomack lock from Kennedy. Thrown from Lashley. Front facelock from Lashley.
“This should be a solid match.” – Me
“Yeah, like Othello.” – Bill
To their feet they throw punches and kicks. Kennedy tries to leap over Lashley in the corner. He’s caught and dropped. Big fists now from Lashley, a short clothesline. Picked up for the torture rack. Kennedy fights out of it, but he still gets Kennedy up for the quarter-spin suplex.
Sets up Kennedy for the spear. Kennedy bails quickly. Lashley comes after him and Lashley gets thrown to the stairs.
Hernandez caught this gem from JR: ‘Kennedy caught out of the corner of his eye that Lashley was going to explode.’
Kennedy stomps Lashley into the stairs and at 9, Lashley rolls in to get stomped on down from Kennedy. Tight armbar from Kennedy. Clubs to his shoulder as Lashley gets to his feet and throws Kennedy to the corner and eats a boot to the face.
Kennedy on the top, but Lashley follows up and they fight to the top turnbuckle. Kennedy drops and brings Lashley’s arm with him. Pin for two from Kennedy.
Lashley has ‘hurt his shoulder’.
“Kennedy is hungry! Finish it!” – Hernandez
Ref is keeping Kennedy away while he checks on the arm. Kennedy watching on. The moment the ref steps away, Kennedy comes in and begins to wrap up the arm again.
“He looked and saw Kennedy’s chest heaving and saw he was going to unload.” – Hernandez
“He didn’t say that.. did he?” – Me
Lashley fights out of it finally and hurls Kenndy to the corner. THrows him back down. Throws a boot. Club to the arm. Two clotheslines. Back body drop, and Lashley does a good job selling the arm.
Spear time. Kennedy lifts a knee to hit his ‘bum shoulder’. Rolled over. Pin. Win?!?! NICEEEEE!
WINNER: MISSSTERRRRRR KENNEDY!
“That was an exploding unloading win.” – Bill
“I’m leaving that one alone.” – Hernandez
“Aww.. I didn’t collect him.. I din’t collect him!” – Me
“Faux Lashley has fainted.” – Bill
“Kennedy is trying to evolve!” – Me
So now we have the refs checking on Lashley all weepy.
“I lost a pokeball.. it rolled under the ring.. can you get it..” – Me
“Butterfree… is that you… it’s going dark.” – Bill
“Injury angle for Lashley? Did he fail the infallable Wellness Policy?” – Insyder SychoJason
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:05
“Hot opening segment, Mario vs. Bowser, Kennedy pins Lashley? I can get used to this.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
The lead-up to Bookah and Lawler?
KING BOOKAH vs. JERRY LAWLER
THE KING WINS!
“Please Bookah, ‘accidently’ break his larynx” – Insyder Khali Sucks
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:12
We get another Trips commercial.
“So we have three Kings?” – Dani
In the ring, Book, awaiting Lawler.
They go nose to nose.
“I know what your people did.” – Me
Book teases the lock-up a few times, psyching out Lawler. Finally Jerry hits a square shot to the jaw. Book keeps slapping his fist, finally they lock up and Book drives him to the corner with knees and punches.
Lawler fights out with his own dropping Book. Nice slow burn on the heat. Book gets a thumb and an elbow in the corner. The crowd chants ‘Jerry’
“Who put Springer on?” – Jeffrey
Lawler barely ducks the spinning kick and punches Book into the corner. Throws him to the corner. Walks in to eat a stiff elbow. HITS the spinning kick for two.
‘PHBGBBBBBT’ – Hernandez
“Booker we gotta stop the match.. I made a stinky.” – Me
“Pin one two three.. why? I just shirted.” – Hernandez
Back on their feet, Book misses the axe kick. Now Lawler drops the shoulder strap and clocks Booker for one.. two… Oooo no, leg on the rope.
Lawler think he won it! Noooo… Superkick from Bookah.
“SPINEROONI!!” – Hernandez
Now Book in the lead with punches to the gut. Clubs to the back. He has him locked in the corner as he continues to punch him out in the corner.
The bell rings… DQ?! Yep..
WINNER via DQ: JERRY LAWLER
Book seems pissed, but takes it as his own win anyway.
He gets almost up to the top and rails on Book! The refs pull him out and Book is left there.. with crossed eyes.
(As a note, if you get a chance to watch this match. Make farty noises with every hit Lawler makes, or every bump he takes. You will be in hysterics by the second minute.)
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:27
Hey, Rey is also coming back…
YO YO YO YO!?!?!? CRYME TIME!??!?!
“Hooliganz!?” – Hernandez
“I really hope this is the main event!” – Insyders A Faceless Name
“woah, it’s Cryme Time? When did my TV gain an internet connection and tune into Heat?” – Insyder SychoJason
Nope.. just some jobbers.
CRYME TYME vs. JOBBERZ!
I miss Cryme Tyme
Chad starting in the ring with Jobber #1. #1 throws him to the ropes, JT drops and slaps him. Hiptoss. Dropkick. Tag to Job #2. Tag to Chad.
Lock up, and Job #2 ducks it. Punches. Chad ducks a clothesline and hits his own. Two of em sends #2 ass over head. Throws #2 to the ropes with a solid powerslam. In goes #1.. down goes #1. Tag to JTG.
Hits the ropes and the rollover doubleteam for three. Just that easy!
WINNERS: CRYME TYME
I missed them.
JTG grabs the mic. Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo.
They get the crowd rolling on the ‘money money’ chant.
“I don’t speak jive.” – Me
“I always knew that rap songs were made up of like 4 or 5 different words.” – Insyder The Titan
So they are now vying to sell Jobber’s boots. White boots with black soles. Starting at 10,000.. no checks, no money orders, no ATM cards.
Ok… $5,000. Wait, Chad is getting Crazy… $2,000
Somebody just THREW money at them. Funny. Chad’s getting crazy…. $1,000. Cryme Tyme then SIGNS the boots and sell them for $20. ‘This is not the Home Shopping Network’
“Was that a TNA jab?” – Dani
That was a gold bit.
“He should have only sold one… then go for the other.” – Hernandez
“Didn’t the Hebners get fired for this?” – Insyder bluelobster
“Did I mention I wish they went further? They could sell their remaining Benoit merchandise off, that’s how good they are at this.” – Insyder BSUVincent
“Who is this ‘Benoit’?” – Insyder JollyPodger
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:38
Here comes Orton.
RANDY ORTON vs. SGT SLAUGHTER
“They brought him out for his yearly appearance?” – Chris
Bell rings, and the crowd is dead. Orton boots him. Club to his back. Brings him to the corner and pounds on his head.
Slaughter stumbles out to be beaten down. Stomp. Stomp to his hand.
“That’s my violin playin hand!” – Me
ORTON HOLD SPOT COUNT – 1
“1 headlock…ah ah ah” – Insyder Soak1313
‘Watch Slaughter’s face turn crimson’ – JR
“It’s not.. Slaughter has no blood!” – Me
“He’s made of wax!” – Bill
Slaughter fights out of it… almost. Right back into the headlock.
ORTON HOLD SPOT COUNT – 1.5
Slaighter gets to his feet… elbows out of it. Hold officially dropped. Orton hits the ropes and Slaughter throws the clothesline. Boot to his gut. Slaughter ducks out of the way and hits the Cobra Clutch!
Orton grabs the ropes to end the hold. Hits the RKO. Done.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
Another BOOT to the head to Slaughter. Done.
“That was my violin playin head.” – Me
Here comes the stretcher.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:51
Randy is still sitting ringside, to watch the main event.
Here comes Carlito!
CARLITO vs. JOHN CENA
New Main Event!
“Orton wouldn’tl…. cheat… would he?” – Jeffrey
“NOOOOOOO…. This is strictly a psychological manuever.” – Me
Cena pushes him to the corner and yells in his face while Carlito shirks down. Lock up to start and a side headlock from Cena. Cena hits some noogies. No, seriously.
“That noogie was the most technical maneuver we’ve seen out of Cena in years.” – Insyder bluelobster
“Wait… you mean the Five Knuckle Shuffle isn’t a technical maneuver?” – Insyder SychoJason
Lock up and a drop toe hold. Goes for the STFU, and Carlito rolls out of it.. and he’s pissed off.
Kick to Cena’s gut and fists to his face. Kicks to the gut. Throws Cena to the corner, reversed into the hairpull bulldog.
Throws Carlito to the ropes and a back elbow from Cena. Carlito bails to the outside and as Cena gets back in from chasing him, Carlito stomps him down. Throws Cena, reversed and a back body drop. Carlito now in the corner, getting tossed corner to corner. Fisherman’s suplex (without the pin). Sidewalk slam.
Cena throws Carlito to the ropes. Clothesline. Slams his head to the turnbuckle. He charges the corner – Carlito moves! Hits a dropkick. Goes for the pin for two.
Now just beating on Cena. Chinlock with the knee driving in. Cena pulls out of it. He breaks the hold. Kick to the gut. Hits the rope with the thrown neckbreaker. Shoulder check. Blue Thunder. You Can’t See Me.
Hits the ropes, and Orton there to mess with him!
“Was Orton just pretending to be a kitty?” – Jeffrey
“IM N YER MATCH..” – Bill
Backstabber! Carlito Wins?!?!?
“THAT WASN’T FOR THE TITLE?!?!?!” – Me
“No.” – Hernandez
“DAMMIT!” – Me
“I bet Carlito won’t even be on Raw next week.” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
He spits in Cena’s face and off he goes. Cena gets up and realizes he’s covered in apple goo.
So what did the Insyders think of the show?
THE TITAN – It was an alright show. Nothing spectacular but nothing absolutely horrible…I guess.
SYCHOJASON – This show wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t the greatest RAW ever but it was watchable…
A FACELESS NAME – No Dayglo Abortion tonight, that was kinda weird. he was probably on a suicide watch.
KERRY B – The nice opening promo, the sudden surge of upsets, and the lack of complete and utter suck (they got close, but not over the line…)
What did we think of the show?
“Meh.” – Jeffrey
“Fun.” – Hernandez
“It seemed like it was going to be stronger, but still good.” – Bill
“Chris, what did you think of what you just saw?” – Me
“….wrestling?” – Chris
“Yes.” – Me
“Mildly entertaining.” – Chris
(That’s my old roommate who showed up for a moment)
And finally, I think the show was actually a lot of fun! That’s just me though.
Tags: Raw, WWE