MGF Presents The SMonday Swindle Sheet #163

Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.

So I just tried White Castle’s new Buffalo Chicken Bites, because I am a glutton and needed something to accompany my three bacon cheeseburgers. It was about six in the morning, so I could have accompanied the bacon cheeseburgers with White Castle’s deliciously grease-tacular hash browns, but alas, I decided to check out the new fare.

I was incredibly disappointed. I dropped $1.79 on something that I didn’t even finish. I’m not sure if they were prepared correctly, but if they were, it serves as a black eye on the face of White Castle. First they replace my Tabasco Chicken Rings with the much inferior BBQ Chicken Rings, and now this. They smelled pretty good during the car ride home (actually, sort of like chorizo). The Buffalo Bites come in a box similar to that of Burger King’s Chicken Fries (complete with the handy-dandy little notch for your dipping sauce), and pieces themselves (slightly smaller than a 9-volt battery) looked awfully crusty and some of them appeared burnt. I really hope they weren’t refried or something since I ordered them during breakfast hours, but I’ll give the Midlothian staff the benefit of the doubt and assume that they were made correctly. The pieces were, indeed, pretty spicy and flavorful on the outside (though not particularly “buffalo”-tasting), but the meat inside was a travesty to humanity. If you think that the processed meat/fish combo used in McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets is bad, Buffalo Chicken Bites will cause blood to spurt out of your eye. There appear to be some small chunks of white meat chicken inside, though they are mixed in with some sort of mystery meat that resembles (in taste and appearance) to canned chicken. Since canned chicken is similar in texture to canned tuna, salmon or crab, the resulting mouth feel (with the crispy outer layer) is one of some sort of low-grade, f*cked-up crab cake. Steer clear of these things, I tells ya, or else the terrorists win.


Well, what do you know, Cam’ron was right… he does look like a camel.


While the two have recently put their respective suckness together for a new song called “Uh Oh”, it seems as if there could be a no more apropos title for a collaboration track featuring JA RULE and LIL WAYNE, as the two were both arrested last Sunday in Miami in unrelated incidents. Weezy had headlined a concert at the Beacon Theatre, at which The Retarded DMX had been present. Shortly after the show, after the two had parted ways, The Retarded DMX was arrested after a sedan he was riding in was pulled over for speeding on West End Avenue, and officers who subsequently searched the car and its occupants found a .40-caliber handgun on the rapper. An hour later, Weezy was arrested in a different part of the city after officers spotted him smoking pot outside of his tour bus, and after they searched him they also uncovered a .40-caliber handgun. The Retarded DMX was charged with criminal possession of a weapon, while Lil Wayne received the same charge as well as drug possession. While they will hopefully both be beaten to death in prison so we never have to hear from either of them again, chances are that these charges will inspire a whole plethora of shitty new songs from the two using the charges in order to bolster their street cred.

Weezy (pictured at left, on the left, making out with Bryan “Baby” Williams, under the watchful eye of some guy who looks like one of the Ninja Turtles’ grandpas) and The Retarded DMX (pictured at right, on the right, with Irv Gotti) were both arrested last Sunday in unrelated gun incidents. Say what you will about The Retarded DMX, but I still say that he looks like a puppy that just got smacked in the face.

Afeni Shakur, mother/exploiter of the late TUPAC, has filed an injunction against Death Row Records, the rapper’s former label run by Uncle Phil’s Evil Twin, to stop the label from selling unreleased Tupac material as part of their bankruptcy proceedings. According to Afeni Shakur’s attorney, “an album’s worth of unreleased Tupac material was being advertised to potential buyers as the jewel in the crown of the Death Row assets.” Death Row Records filed bankruptcy last year, and is currently trying to sell off its remaining assets to help pay off its debts, though any unreleased Tupac recordings, as part of a 1997 agreement reached with his estate, should have been turned over to Afeni Shakur so that she could release them herself in order to make more money off of tracks pairing Tupac with ridiculous people like HURRICANE CHRIS and DEM FRANCHISE BOYZ. In spite of the 1997 agreement, Death Row Records (now run by a bankruptcy trustee after Uncle Phil’s Evil Twin skipped a meeting with creditors earlier in the month) has refused to take the recordings out of the bankruptcy settlement, which was what caused Afeni Shakur to seek the injunction. Also in spite of the 1997 agreement, the bankruptcy court will consider Afeni Shakur’s request and make a ruling in the next month on whether or not the recordings will be turned over to Tupac’s estate. In the meantime, Afeni Shakur will have to make ends meet by selling out her son’s name to the highest bidder. Expect to see 2pac 2-Cheese Doritos sometime in the near future. They will top Wild White Nacho to become the thuggin’est Doritos ever released.

OK! Magazine editor-in-chief Sarah Ivens said that a photo shoot last week with BRITNEY SPEARS was “definitely the most bizarre shoot I’ve ever been on,” adding that she’d “never seen anything like it. … What actually transpired on the day was a shock to us and left me and the whole crew feeling quite shocked and sad, really.” According to Ivens, Spears had agreed to a pictorial and interview piece with the magazine that was originally intended to mark the primary stages of the singer’s “big comeback,” however, the shoot was full of technical difficulties (read: Britney Spears acting like a crackhead), before Spears walked out three hours into it (before the shoot was finished), taking $14,000 in clothing that had been lent to the magazine for the shoot. During the shoot itself, Spears irritated staff by making several trips to the bathroom (leaving the door open), wiping grease on an expensive designer dress, and making light of her Yorkshire terrier taking a shit on another, $6,700 designer dress. She also complained that the the apparel that the magazine had supplied wasn’t sexy, short or tight enough, even though she ended up stealing most of it from the set. It was probably so that her dog wouldn’t have to shit on newspaper like the rest of the unprivileged dogs out there. You know what… FUCK Britney Spears’ comeback. I hereby am enacting a Britney Spears boycott for this column. Unless she dies or poses naked or gets beaten up by the Baseball Furies, you will not hear anything else about Britney Spears ever again in this column. You’re welcome.

BEYONCÉ fell down and ate shit while walking down some stairs during a performance at the Amway Arena in Orlando a couple of weeks ago. While she seemed a bit frazzled right after the fall, she was able to quickly pick herself up and continue on with the show, and was said be uninjured (though some fans said that she appeared to be bleeding). The singer pled to fans in attendance to keep the incident to themselves, but one quick-thinking fan was able to capture the footage on her phone, and posted it to YouTube shortly thereafter. While YouTube has become lame and takes down videos like this usually within hours of their being posted, The SMonday Swindle Sheet was able to attain the footage right here. Even if you don’t like Beyoncé, you’ve got to give her credit for throwing her legs up in the air and at least executing a very good dive.

You’re not the boss of me, YouTube and Sony/BMG! Beyoncé practices her donkey kick during a recent performance in Orlando.

SCISSOR SISTERS singer Jake Shears sounded off against BARBRA STREISAND during his band’s concert at 02 Arena in London last Thursday. Shears, who had been in attendance for Streisand’s concert at the same venue the day before, complained that the singer is charging her fans way too much money for a mediocre performance, saying that the $1,000 he spent for a single ticket was a rip-off. “She came on ten minutes late then sang for ten minutes,” Shears told concertgoers. “[Then] four gay men came up on the stage and she said, ‘These are my gay friends and they are going to sing my hits for me’.” That does suck. Not the gay part, because I’m sure a large amount of the people in attendance were gay men and they probably sang pretty well, but the fact that she had some no-names sing her most well-known hits for people who dropped a grand apiece to see Barbra Streisand—that sucks. It doesn’t matter who does that or how much you pay for tickets; you’re still going to feel ripped off. I could, of course, use some sort of “bent over the table” analogy, here, but that would probably be rather malapropos considering the circumstances.

News Headline: Pete Doherty checks into rehab

After having his musical career honored at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas a couple of weeks back, VELVET REVOLVER/ex-GUNS N’ ROSES guitarist SLASH decided that it was as good a time as any to return a guitar that he had stolen from another Hard Rock several years back. “The guitar has the best story,” he told reporters after handing it over to perplexed members of the management. “I stole that from the Hard Rock in Orlando. It was in the dressing room. I didn’t know what it was doing there, so I took it. I mean, it was in the dressing room and no one claimed it. So I’ve had it all these years and been playing it. … But then I thought what better way to honor the Hard Rock for honoring me than to give it back, sort of. I will also honor the Hard Rock Cafe later tonight by having sex with several beautiful women at one time and then urinating on the floor of my hotel.”

Wayward country singer MINDY MCCREADY was arrested last Wednesday at Nashville International Airport, after having gotten off of a plane from Florida, where she had been arrested during a scuffle with her mother. The arrest in Nashville was on the grounds that McCready had violated her probation when she was involved in an altercation with her mother in Fort Myers, Fla., scratching her mother’s face and later resisting arrest from authorities who were subsequently called to the scene. The probation had been issued after McCready tried to acquire OxyContin in 2004 using a fraudulent prescription sheet. This violation is her second since it was issued—the first occurred in 2005 when she was arrested for drunk driving—and actually was a triple violation, as she was cited for being charged with a new offense, failure to report said charges to her probation officer and by the violent nature of the new offense. While I’m not really sure what the future holds for Mindy McCready, The SMonday Swindle Sheet would like to offer the advice that she start her big career comeback by posing naked for Playboy and/or beating up Lil Wayne. It’s kind of like prison… if you start out by beating the shit out of someone, you pwn. Take away his .40 and she could totally take him.

On the badass scale, this little guy ranks somewhere in-between Scott Stapp and Isaac Mizrahi.

Fans and representatives of singer RONALD ISLEY (a/k/a Mr. Biggs) are petitioning in an effort to have President George W. Bush pardon Isley after his conviction last year on tax evasion charges. The 65-year-old Isley (of THE ISLEY BROTHERS fame) was sentenced to 37 months in prison, which he will begin next month, though supporters argue that he should be pardoned due to his poor health (kidney cancer and complications from a recent stroke) and his intentions to perform for the troops. “In lieu of the recent charges brought against Mr. Isley,” the petition reads, “he is currently in the process of a total restitution of his financial obligations to the IRS. Mr. Isley has also offered to perform for troops at various military bases to help heal the country and show his support for their tireless efforts to protect this country. It is important to point out that Ronald Isley has no prior criminal record, and has been a law-abiding, taxpaying employer since 1956.” Taxpaying since 1956? Wasn’t he just busted for tax evasion? Give it up, folks… everyone knows that Bush only pardons his lackeys, and doesn’t care about black people. Oops.

Speaking of which, KANYE WEST seems to be involved in a shoestring feud of sorts with fellow Rock-A-Fella rapper BEANIE SIGEL, who recently spouted off during a radio interview about West’s oft Banana Republic-esque, yuppie clothing style, saying that he should just “come out of the closet.” West replied to the remarks, in a radio interview of his own, saying that Beanie was “so disrespectful”, and adding, “Why wouldn’t you come to me and talk to me about it?” Well I think we all know the answer to that one, Kanye—he doesn’t want you grabbing his ass and trying to make out with him. He’s not Lil Wayne.

THE POLICE drummer Stewart Copeland has been taken off of his duty as the official blogger for the band after his bandmates caught wind of his negative comments over what he saw as the band’s mediocre first showings and his personal jabs at singer STING. According to guitarist Andy Summers, “I think that was just cabin fever after having been in the same hotel room for three weeks. Stewart thought he was going to be the blogger on this tour. That ended pretty quickly.” Copeland had written back in May, This is unbelievably lame. We are the mighty Police and we are totally at sea. … The mighty Sting momentarily looks like a petulant pansy instead of the God of rock.” Sting? A “petulant pansy”? Never! Does this sound like the actions of a petulant pansy?