KINGS vs. KINGS
HUGE GUYS vs. BIG GUYS
TONIGHT:
US vs. THEM
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So we’ll see what tonight is life. We have a couple of folks at the bar here at O’Briens Tavern in Franklin, NJ and I’m fairly certain they aren’t all into wrestling. That’s what we do. We’re into wrestling. We make fun of it, the same way you do, but we get paid for it. (No, not really)
So join us all on this trip through the ring for the Rabble.
Joining us:
JEFFREY – ‘He likes wrestling’
BILL – ‘He likes wrestling too!’
HERNANDEZ – ‘He likes wrestling.. in spanish’
DANI – ‘She likes wrestling, and has breasts!’
MIKE – ‘Likes wrestling so much.. he does it’
And me, the guy who types about wrestling – and loves her breasts, too – James Hatton
Finally, joining us from the Forums – The Insyders!
Earlier tonight – Vince showed up –
“Isn’t he dead?” – Dani
“I see dead people” – Insyder Crippie
– and Coach shows up to say hello. Vince wants all the WWE stars in the lockerroom to be..
“Fired?” – Me
“Get the shovels..” – Hernandez
..to be out in the ring for a big announcement.
So we’re here and everyone is coming on out!
“Hey, it’s Paul London and he’s smiling.” – Hernandez
“Cryme Tyme are still here?” – Me
“Max Moon… where were you!?” – Hernandez
Vince is out here and addresses that last we saw him, he was blown to smithereens. They show the footage.
“If I open this door, Benoit dies.” – Hernandez
“Eh, screw him.” – Me
“Wait, Sherry dies… THEN Benoit dies.” – Dani
Vince explains that he wants to go out in a blaze of glory, just like that. Vince wants to see if we really cared. Many people don’t think of Vince that way, and he’s a sensitive human being.
“My name is Vince McMahon, and I endorse death by car bombing. Best way to die.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
He recieved it in spades, he’s beloved. Beloved by people all over the world.
“I like Vince.” – Dani
He’s going to go over a lot of topics.. including ‘What’ and the United States Congress.
“I got two words for ya?” – Bill
“Throat chop.” – Hernandez
And the hypocracy of the news media. Also, certain individuals of my immediate family. Also, everyone in the squared circle.
“BATTLE ROYAL” – Hernandez
“While I masterbate.. ring the bell.” – Me
Coach then shows up, late. Anyway, in a moment the bell will ring. A battle royal.
“With the girls?” – Dani
“They’re outside.. so is Sandman.. weird.” – Me
“He’s drunk.” – Bill
The winner is becoming the new GM of Raw. REGAALLLLL!
Ring the bell.
GM BATTLE ROYAL!
Great!
“Why is Booker the only main event talent out there?” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“lease let Regal win, please God please” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“GO REGAL GO…{CLAP CLAP CLAP}” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Hacksaw Jim Duggan, new General Manager of RAW!” – Insyder SychoJason
“Here we Regal, here we go *CLAP CLAP*” – Insyder Crippie
The girls bail, and Sandman rolls in.
“UMAGA FOR GM!” – Hernandez
And Super Cray is out. London out. Umaga throws Robbie. He’s clearing everyone out. There goes JTG out. Hacksaw is beating Shelty and Carlito. Davairi and Haas are in the corner. King Booker were just taken out by Sandman and a little tv time for Lawler and Booker.
Regal kneeing Davairi in the face. Big Shad is out alla Umaga. Shelty skins the cat. As you can tell Battle Royals kind of suck to report.
Davairi beating on Cody. Kennedy takes them both out in the corner. Val beating down on Carlito who rolls out of the way of death.
Finally we go to commercial.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:12
“So Randy and John aren’t out there..” – Dani
“Orton’s out in the back with a handbag.” – Hernandez
“Or in a stall… ‘hello? …. is.. something going on? Hello? …could someone pass me some TP…?” – Me
So we’re back and—
“We’re back…Regal is gone, Duggan is not. God Dammitt!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
–Umaga goes to club Kendrick, but Kendrick ducks and eats turnbuckle. Now everyone leaps on Umaga. Carlito watching from behind.
Umaga gets his pull out spot. And then Rory eats a superkick. He’s gone. Val Venis throws out Lance Cade. Chief Morley in the house. Umaga throws Val to the apron and over the top he goes via a stiff punch to the face.
“CHIEF MORLEY!” – Hernandez
Regal’s not in there!?? WHAT HAPPENED TO REGAL!??
Shelty and Carlito have a great fight over the second rope spot. Umaga goes to grab Kendrick. Suplex. BOTH GO OUT!
We’re final five. Carlito, Hacksaw, Sandman, and Cody, Shelton.
“Couldn’t possibly be Shelton. Microphones are his kryptonite.” – Insyder SychoJason
Outside Umaga eats a thumb poke. Hacksaw gets thrown and we’re at final four. Headsmashes with Cody from Carlito while Sandman and Shelty fight it on the ropes.
Carlito throws Cody to the ropes. Ducks a clothesline and hits a nice reverse elbow. Cody then throws Carlito and Carlito crawls out of it. Shelty now grabs Cody, throws him to the ropes and eats a back body drop.
Sandman now on Carlito in the corner with Shelton suplexing Cody. Shelty gets him on the apron.
“Awww.. my yambag…” – Hernandez
Cody crawls back in. Finally Carlito comes out of nowhere and beats on Sandman.
“Sandman needs oil?” – Jeffrey
“Sandman needs beer…. badly…” – Me
“His drunken master powers have not manifested.” – Bill
Cody runs into a stiff boot.
“Cody took that like a champ.” – Dani
Carlito hits Sandman with a solid dropkick. Shelty turnbuckle smashes Cody and goes for a punch, but it’s blocked fast! Nice Rhodes punches. A kick to Shelty’s gut. Throws him to the ropes and a polish hammer to the chest. He gets to tShelty and TOSSED OUT! WAIT! CODY SKIMS THE CAT! He gets out and Shelty clotheslines and Cody misses going over. Carlito fixes that and tosses Rhodes.
Now Sandman on the top turnbuckle with Carlito fighting him on the top. Sandman punches Carlito down. Shelton running leaps and SUPERPLEX TO SANDMAN!
All three are down.
“I’d be ok with any of these guys as the GM.” – Me
Shelty and Carlito and leap out together they are on the apron! SANDMAN TOSSES THEM BOTH! SANDMAN WI—— WAIT!
Regal runs into the ring! Sandman is out! SANDMAN IS OUT!
REGAL IS OUR NEW GM! BRILLIANT! He runs the ropes and slides on his knees giving the two fingers. He invites the ref into the ring to raise his hand in victory.
“It’s a new Raw, sunshine.” – Bill
A great battle royal!
WINNER: WILLIAM REGAL!
As a note – at the beginning, I think most fans of the WWE were pulling for Regal. You can verify this by going and looking at the beginning of this battle royal with all the Insyders cheering for him, as we were. On the forums, there is almost a full page of cheering. It’s like a tickertape parade, but geekier…
They show during the commercial Regal getting ‘injured’ and sliding out to nurse his ankle. As a note, he beat Sandman with his own boot. Lovely.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:26
“So, how long until Vince is off drugs and hacksaw is GM.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
We get a replay of what shall henceforth be referred to as ‘Regal’s Gambit.’ In the back, Coach is upset talking to Vince. Coach calls Regal a foreigner.
Vince is holding two different letters from Congress. Two different houses of Congress want to investigate the WWE. Barney Fife might as well do it.
“Vince taking it to the public arena.” – Me
Back in the day, President Benjamin Franklin signed the Declaration of Independence. He continues on and explains that Regal likes his Earl Grey, hot.
Oh, and Triple H is returning.
In the back, Booker T is talking with Todd about he’s no King. He’s a pretender to Book’s throne. Next week there will be a special ceremony of the loser between ‘Jerome’ and ‘Bookah’ to crown the other one.
Next Carlito’s Cabana with Cena.
“Wow, did they do that in MS Paint?” – Dani
“The Cabana will take place in a dark night club surrounded by a bunch of Puerto Ricans in suspenders holding “fake” knives.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:35
In the ring, Cryme Tyme replay. Now in the ring though, the Highlanders… versus Snitsky!??!?
“COME ON!?” – Hernandez
“LAaaaaaame…” – Me
“Welcome to the JOB Squad.” – Myke
SNITSKY vs. RORY
Mega-Uber-Lame
Bell rings and Rory kicks Snitsky in the leg. Eats a clothesline. Robbie on the outside looks concerned. Rory eats a pump handle slam and that’s it.
WINNER: SNITSKY
“Mega Lame” – Me
“Yeah, but Regal is GM!!” – Insyder Crippie
Robbie goes to check on Rory. ‘While Snitsky goes on untouched..’ – JR
“Would you touch him?” – Mike
In the back Vince is talking with a bald guy. Coach shows up with a call for Vince. His accountant.
“Mr. Hellwig” – Hernandez
Vince says ‘open them all up. Audit everything we have.’ Vince then explains that this will happen the same time that it happened last time. They will owe him money. The IRS is invistaging him too.
“Shyster.. he’s on the payroll!” – Hernandez
Vince explains that the difference between the news media and the WWE… nothing. They are both part of the entertainment industry. And who watches Vince from the background… MIKE ROTUNDO!?!?!
“Tonight is the greatest show of wreslting EVER!” – Me
So sometimes we’re predictable:
“And the Rabble crew just blew a load.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
COMMERICIAL FOUR – 9:44
In the ring, Jillian Hall with a microphone.
“Where’s the mute button?” – Mike
She’s not that attractive, really. So speaketh everyone. Jillian discusses with Lillian that her new album is coming out soon. Do people want Lillian to sing?
“No…” – Dani
Jillian then heels it up and explains that we want to hear her sing. Jillian then sings. Interrupted by…
“The Yakuza.” – Hernandez
Mickie James! She’s in pink and lovely.
Bell rings. Jillian gets in a kick and a hairpull throw.
Head to the turnbuckle. Face plant from Jillian and a sitting arm ringer. Mickie fights out of it and flip. Back elbow from Mickie and a rana. Clothesline twice and a Thesz Press.
Mickie hits a neckbreaker. Pin for two. Jillian throws her to the ropes. Mickie holds on and eats a back bridge roll up from Mickie. For two. Mickie hits two hard kicks – to the top – Jillian gets to the outside apron and chokes her on the top rope. Jillian hits a full nelson faceplant. And wins?!
WINNER: JILLIAN?!~?!?!?
“I… umm…. wha?” – Me
In the back Coach stands and there’s Regal. Awesome. Coach congratulates Regal. Regal always wanted to be the host of a game show. He wants Coach to set up a ‘dating game’ bit in the ring. He also wants a cup of earl grey.
“A game show? The ghost of Gene Rayburn does not approve.” – Insyder bluelobster
“The dating game on raw? oh wait, its regal. pure gold” – Insyder crippie
Teehee.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:54
Carlito Cabana Time.
“I want a palm tree… and an apple.” – Dani
On the set of the ‘Cabana’:
“When on the Cabana don’t step on the blue, it’s the “ocean”.” – Insyder SychoJason
Carlito explains that he’s not afraid of anyone. He introduces Cena.
Cena rolls in and goes face to face. Pushes Carlito into his beach chair and the mixed crowd continue on. Cena turns happily to welome us to Carlito’s Cabana.
“Cena’s Siesta?” – Bill
Cena then introduces his ‘Cena’s Cabana’. Huey Lewis & The News will be here?
“Do you LIKE Huey Lewis and the News?” – Me
Cena gets mad about how last week someone spit apple in his face. Cena continues go back and forth as Carlito AND Cena. He wants to see the clip of him being spit on.
So Orton f*cks with Cena…. Cena loses.
Cena continues to bibble as BOTH men.
“The WWE Champ is delusional, pretending there is two of them. strip the title off him.” – Insyder Crippie
All the while Carlito wants to watch on. Cena then does the ‘Top 3 Reasons he should Trash the Cabana and beat on Carlito’
“How about a top 3 reasons why this should have been over 5 minutes ago.” – Insyder soak1313
#3 – ‘Holding a coconut’ – These are the only nuts Carlito will ever have.
“Ya know… he’s right.. shit.” – Me
#2 – Carlito would rather Swallow Bananas.
“THAT’S what was in his pocket all the time.” – Hernandez
“It is proof that God exists.” – Dani
#1 – ..he hits him.
Orton out of nowhere.
“R-Kitty-Orton” – Hernandez
Cena pushes him out and hits the FU on Carlito.
Up at the top of the key, here comes Regal! As his first official act of Raw – Cena will face Orton and Carlito.. but they must decide between themselves who will face him.
“That whole five minutes of Cena interviewing himself was just made worth it by simply hearing Regal’s music.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:06
In the back – Orton and Carlito are discussing an opponent for Cena. They decided on Umaga. Regal finds that to be quite interesting. The IC Champion… sly devils.
“Not as epic as Warrior Hogan, but hey.” – Hernandez
Vince then takes Regal aside and discusses his family and what happened to them after he exploded. Shane was nowhere to be found. Steph was talking to laywers… His wife..
“Was riding Triple H.” – Hernandez
Vince wants to galvanize his family together again. He wants the goodness to come out.
“He wants to splice them together to make one giant Mecha-McMahon!” – Me
“Ok Vince, you did a good thing and made Regal GM, now you can go away for 6 months, don’t stick around on screen on our account.” – Insyder Khali_Sucks
In the ring though… Lawler/Bookah is about to start.
“To save everyone a few minutes of time: Booker wins through nefarious means. At coronation ceremony next week Triple H makes appearance, and shenanigans ensue.” – Insyder bluelobster
“Shenanigans gets all the good angles.” – Insyder JollyPodger
BOOKAH vs. LAWLER
Winner gets crowned by the loser
Long set up to start while Bookah removes his crown. The crowd begins with the ‘Jerry’ chant. Shades of Springer.
They start with the slapfight like they did last week. Shorter as they lock up and Book fights him to the corner. Knees and punches. Lawler fights back with his own punches.
Book finally bails. Booker then takes a moment lift his kneepad. Back in, Book hits a hammerlock. Lawler finally reverses it. Throws Lawler to the ropes. Leg lift, and Lawler ducks it and they punch it out in the corner again.
Big fists from Book for two. Lawler comes back with more fists. It’s just a boxing match. Finally Book hits a superkick. Chops and fists. Reverse kick. Book gets a two.
Armlock from Book and Lawler gets out of it. Whiffs a dropkick and eats a stomp to the face.
“I’m coming for you Andy…. I’m coming.” – Bill
Book continues to kick the hell out of Lawler. Two. Headlock to their feet. Ax kick from Book is moved and he turns into more Lawler straight punches. Book then rolls Lawler out and Lawler gets some punches to roll him back in.
“Isn’t it nice that old school wrestlers can get away with punches and kicks.” – Mike
“Lawler really hasn’t done anything else.” – Me
A distraction from Sharmel. Book hits the Ax Kick. The End.
WINNER: BOOKAH
“Holy crap, King lost, fairly clean too!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Of course – Sharmelle’s surprisingly good at cleaning up messes. Much better than Store-Brand bathroom tissue.” – Insyder bluelobster
“Nothing will boost Booker’s career like barely beating a nearly 60 year old retired wrestler who spends most of his time behind a desk.” – Insyder MrCavanagh
In the back…. K…K…KENNNNNNN…..EDY coming to the ring.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:26
So Lashley is hurt. We knew that. He’s out for awhile.. now it’s Kennedy time.
He gets the mic and has a question for us. ‘Do you know what Bobby Lashley is hearing right now?’
“KENNEDY!”
“How much does he weigh tonight?” – Hernandez
“KENNEDY!”
“..and Kennedy ounces..” – Me
“KENNEDY!”
“He DOES sound like a Pokemon.” – Dani
“KENNEDY!”
“Just do this for the next hour.” – Hernandez
“KENNEDY!”
“And he’s still getting cheered for it..” – Jeffrey
“KENNEDY!”
“Brilliance!” – Me
“KENNEDY!”
“Wait, so what’s this guy’s name again?” – Insyder Khali_Sucks
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:34
In the ring…
“Dude! Regal’s got the obscenely expensive Jeritron 5000 behind him.” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
It’s the Dating Game with Hacksaw and his 2×4 has a tie on. Also… Ron Simmons… ‘With his unlimited vocabulary’
“Damn” – Simmons
“I didn’t see that one coming” – Regal
Finally, Santino as Bachelor #3 who was brtalized by ‘Yoo-Manga’ in the same way he brutalizes the English language.
“I’m in lots of pain.” – Santino
BRILLIANT?!?!?!
Now our date. She loves sunsets. Walks on the beach. And Rainbow Brite.
“And being taken in the ass by CM Punk.” – Dani
Maria!!!!!! Good christ she’s wearing very little.
*WHACK!* – Dani
“OWWW!” – Me
Maria gets to ask some questions.
“#1, How do I know you’ll be a gentleman.”
“I won’t call ya… HOOOOO!” – Hacksaw
“And somehow he remains single…” – Regal
“We need this every week.” – Mike
“#2, if you were lucky enough to make breakfast in bed.. what would it be?”
“…..???… SPAM” – Ron
“#3, if I was an ice cream co….”
“”I would try to eat you real fast before I got flaccid.”” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
As she is interrupted by Santino, she then claims Santino does the worst Santino impression ever.
“If #2 could stop any war.. would would you stop…”
“NAM!” – Ron
Santino is having problems with this entire affair. Santino claims that the other bachelors are discussing how they hate babies and puppies. The entire affair is cracking Ron Simmons up. Santino sclaims that Hacksaw is mildly retarted.
Regal finally lets Maria choose. The crowd is rooting for Simmons. Of course Simmons gets it.
“Somewhere CM Punk is putting her on a ‘tainted’ list.” – Me
And from Ron Simmons…. ‘SCRAM’
Who is interrupting. YooMaga! Santino then bails and bails hard. He goes on to destroy the set as we go to commercial.
“That was fun.” – Hernandez
“Yes, a fun waste of 10 minutes..” – Me
“You know what? This turned out much better than it had any right to.” – Insyder Kerry B
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:47
Someone has documents for Mr. McMahon… Coach accepts the summons. Of course, Coach reads it.
“Why’d they get the guy from CSI: Miami to deliver the summons?” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“THAT’S who I thought he looked like. Thanks, was driving me crazy” – Insyder Khali Sucks
In the ring, Umaga.
“And in the back, Kennedy in the back repeating his name.” – Mike
YooMAGA vs. CENA
Lalala
“And now the show goes to hell with the main event” – Insyder Soak1313
“Not if Cena loses” – Insyder Khali_Sucks
Umaga charges. Cena ducks. Punches the hell out of him and tries to throw.. he goes shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Picks up Cena and a big chop. Forearm to his back. Stiff punchesfrom the booldoozer. Throws Cena to the corner. Headbutt.
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: ‘We’ve CENA Nuff’
There is an Umaga chant. Kick to the gut. Reverse neckbreaker. Umaga no sells it and eats the rolling heelkick to the outside.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:55
We’re back and Umaga has Cena in the nervepinch. Cena fights out. Goes for the clothesline. Picks up Umaga.. his knees buckle and falls foreward face first.
“Gotta give Cena love for taking that..” – Me
“Cena’s used to taking it on the face.” – Mike
Cena gets up to the top turnbuckle….. he is CAUGHT. Umaga THROWS the blackhole slam. Cena drops HARD!
He goes for the STFU – HITS IT! HERE COMES ORTON AND CARLITO!
Orton and Carlito now all set to attack Cena and are looking for Umaga’s help. Umaga though…. tosses Orton. Grabs Carlito’s hair.
“It’s NOT a wig!” – Hernandez
He has the option to butt-bounce Cena or Carlito.. he chooses Carlito!
“And Umaga’s journey to the light side is complete” – Me
This is all stopped by Regal! He states next week, Orton & Carlito vs. Cena & Yoomanya!
They all clear ring after each other. Cena after Orton and Umaga after Carlito.
In the back, Vince passes all the wrestlers… Paul London is even smiling still. Funny. He heads to the outside. Breathes in some air.
“The building blows up when he closes the door.” – Hernandez
In the back, the stoners are standing by the garage door. Vince double checks them. He walks slowly and keeps checking his shoulder. Gets to his white limo. Opens the door.
Climbs in. His foot comes out. Coach stops the door from closing the second time…. Coach tells him he should read the papers he just got. Vince wants to know what it is for.
“You are being served with a paternity suit for an illegitamite child you sired.”
“DOMENICK!” – Hernandez
“Dig it!” – Me
“Diddled Stephanie?” – Hernandez
“LITA DIDN’T LOSE THE BABY!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Show me Eugene!” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
The end. What did the Insyders think?
“Best RAW in a VERY long time” – Insyder Soak1313
“I hope that other mcmahon is like, Mr. Kennedy” – Insyder Razor_Mike
“Hmm, this storyline starting right before HHH comes back. Coincidence?” – Insyder Khali_Sucks
“End result: This was fun.” – Insyder Kerry B
“Fucking awesome RAW. Two in the pink and one in the sti…or just two thumbs up!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“I enjoyed RAW very much tonight. There were negatives but the positives greatly outweighed them.” – Insyder SychoJason
“Thank God Regal’s back, if anyone can save ratings he can.” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“I would’ve loved it if Vince blowing up became the new “DAMN”-ish running gag.” – Insyder DarkStar
“This RAW had it all: Regal as GM, an extra helping of Ron Simmons, Umaga face turn, Maria.” – Insyder Crippie
“It had copious amounts of Regal, Vince channeling Warrior, and Maria looking like a goddess.” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
So what did we think of the show?
“Awesome ending” – Mike
“That was a great show!” – Jeffrey
“Fun!” – Hernandez
“…” – Bill
“I thought it was show until you shut the laptop and didn’t take my comment because you are an asshole and you don’t love me.” – Dani
See you all next week kids!
