MGF Presents The Wednesday Review Roundup #11

Reviews


Mark Ronson – Version
RCA Records (6/12/07)
Rock / Funk / Jazz

Hi, I’m Jeff, and after a relatively poorly-selling (commercially-speaking, though it was critically acclaimed) debut in 2003, with Here Comes the Fuzz, DJ/producer Mark Ronson is finally getting his just desserts, whether they be more critical praise, or death threats from disgruntled Smiths fans. While Here Comes featured the likes of Mos Def, Q-Tip, Ghostface Killah, M.O.P., Nate Dogg, Sean Paul, Freeway, Nappy Roots and Rhymefest (not to mention Jack White, Rivers Cuomo and Nikka Costa), Ronson has leant more towards rock/pop on Version, which features cameos by Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, Robbie WIlliams, Kasabian, Kenna, Alex Greenwald (billed as Phantom Planet) and more, and exclusively features cover tracks. Starting off with the aptly executed instrumental cover of Coldplay’s “God Put a Smile Upon Your Face” (featuring The Daptone Horns), the album segues into a cover of the Kaiser Chiefs’ “Oh My God” featuring Lily Allen and DRUMS OF DEATH Y’ALL. So that’s where they went, because I didn’t hear too many of them on the latest U.N.K.L.E. album. “Stop Me Medley”, which, as aforementioned, despite having Morrissey’s blessing, drew the ire of many a Smiths fan, as it features the whiny Daniel Merriweather combining “Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before” with “You Keep Me Hanging On”. While the jazzy beat is good, the vocals and Soft Cell rip-off are relatively worthless. There are many, much better tracks on the CD that deserve the pub. The cover of “Toxic” (by the person that I’m no longer mentioning in my columns) is so-so despite the effort from ODB, just as the cover of The Jam’s “Pretty Green” gets brought down by vocals by Santo Gold. Amy Winehouse’s version of The Zutons’ “Valerie” soars thanks to another appearance from the DRUMS OF DEATH Y’ALL (which again show up in a cover of Ryan Adams’ “Amy”) paired with Winehouse’s deliciously saucy vocals. With the exception of the few vocal missteps, the album flows really well, carrying a nice jazzy funk vibe throughout (with three really nice instrumental interludes). If it were a chick I’d do it.

Hi, I’m Brandon Davis, and I’m a bloated and useless sack of shit with no discerning qualities or talents who is famous because I have a shitload of money that I did absolutely nothing to earn. I also f*ck every single young Hollywood tartlet and chances are I have AIDS, but I’m so f*cking rich that I can afford medicine that hasn’t even been invented yet. Have you ever heard of a celebrity heir? That’s me, shitcock. Me and my brother will never have to work a day in our lives due to our grandpa having a fortune built on dirty oil money. Every time you gas up that nü-Hummer, the money doesn’t just go to the terrorists and the Saudis, but it also goes towards my bar tab for next weekend. So thanks for three bottles of champagne and ten rounds of cranberry-and-vodkas for me and my prissy friends. But seriously, folks, Mark Ronson is good guy. I saw him spin live at some place in Hollywood that I can’t remember because I was too busy doing lines of coke off of Kim Kardashian’s ass with Steve-O in the VIP room. If it weren’t for Mark Ronson, we wouldn’t have the hardy-partying Lily Allen, who one time almost kicked Brody Jenner in the balls but instead her shoe flew off and landed in Lindsay Lohan’s cosmopolitan. That’s good shit.


deSol – On My Way
Sazón Records (8/7/07)
Rock / Latin / Jam

Originally from Asbury Park, N.J., Latin rock fusion band deSol has toured with Ozomatli, Cypress Hill, The Legendary Wailers, Los Lonely Boys, Blues Traveler and R.E.M. (opening up for them in Mexico City). The title track combines the jam band sound with a slight dash of mid-’90s punk. No, seriously. At least in the vocals. It’s all right, I guess, but “Letter from San Juan” is where the Latin influences become apparent, as these guys are destined not necessarily for greatness, but definitely for a cameo spot in the upcoming Santana album. “Sing It All Night”, the first single off of the album, is a safe Latin pop-crossover track in the vein of that song that Santana did with the cokehead from Matchbox Twenty. But don’t let my snarky comments give you the wrong idea—it’s a solid track and I like it ten thousand times more than any of these Nickelback-type bands that currently rule the airwaves (the band was smart enough to record a Spanish version for their brethren, though it sounds a bit awkward). “Every Little Love Song” has a meaty background sound that nicely integrates Albie Monterrosa’s vocals. “Good Night Love” is like an homage to “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”, while “Santos” is like an homage that one Shakira song where she’s dancing in front of mountain and desert backdrops and rolling around in the mud, in the video for it. Speaking of Shakira, a similar-sounding artist appears for “Teardrops”, which is decent but nothing to call home about. Most of the tracks have decent music, but I would have liked to see the band be more adventurous in capturing a Latin tone, with more singing in Spanish and a less homogenized feel (“Lagrimas” would be a good model from which to build). Plus, if Monterrosa’s vocals were a bit deeper, it would give the music a much more dramatic feel.

Sometimes I bathe in my dirty oil money like Scrooge McDuck, but unlike Scrooge McDuck, I also have Mischa Barton and Paris Hilton swimming naked in my money pit with me. I also always look so greasy because I put oil in my hair, and my brother looks greasy because he bathes in lard to keep his skin smooth, and then eats it. Lindsay Lohan’s pussy smells like diarrhea. She’s also worth about seven million dollars, which means that she’s pretty f*cking poor. Lindsay Lohan also has freckles all over her cunt, but I’ve never seen her naked because I don’t find her attractive. Who would want to f*ck her? Wilmer Valderrama? Is Wilmer Valderrama in a mariachi band? That’s right, I’m not only an ignorant, silver-spoon-fed trouser stain who should have been a miscarriage, but I’m also a racist. Therefore, I believe that this album is terrible. Forget that they’re U.S. citizens, they’ve still probably got seventeen of their cousins living in their basement. One time I f*cked both of the Olsen twins while running Dave Coulier over with my car, and Dave Coulier paid me. If I were any more awesome it would hurt.


The Krakan – Dawn of The Krakan
RaXicon Entertainment (8/21/07)
Rap / Hip-hop

Last month, I reviewed independent rap outfit the Darkside Crooks, who use fantasy images and themes as a part of their act. Thinking that that was a rare occurrence, I was surprised to run into it again so quickly with The Krakan. Described as a mysterious character who’s equal parts Genghis Khan and Buddha, he’s traveled the world and absorbed many different cultures in his journeys. Regarding his voice, there’s certainly some DMX and Method Man in there, with a dash of Big Daddy Kane, and his flow is most similar to DMX, though it’s a bit less intense. Is that is good thing or a bad thing? It depends. Yes, he’s above-and-beyond better than Soulja Boy, Hurricane Chris and the other tripe that’s passing for rap these days, but he doesn’t quite have the same impact that DMX did with It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot. While the beats seem to get lost in the mix on a lot of the songs, other tracks like “Lead”, “The Resonance Carries (Dumb Redux)” and “Learn”, that really do have good beats, need the levels turned down slightly due to the fact that Krakan’s flow tends to trail off at the end of the verses and they get lost in the volume of the beats. “Grown Indeed” has club anthem potential, but it needs some production tweakage to not sound quite as dull, as many of the tracks do.

I am the founder of Team Fire-Crotch, and I have an awesome t-shirt to indicate this, which I usually wear with a really cool Von Dutch trucker hat. It’s good thing that ol’ Dutch was cremated, because otherwise I’m sure he’d be rolling in his grave if he knew how his family sold his name out after he died. I don’t need to wait until my dad dies for me to be rich, because my dad shows his love for me by letting me spend as much money as I want. Sometimes I go to Starbuck’s order a drink, and then throw it in the face of the person who made it because I find it funny that some people have to work for their money. Then I throw a wad of money on the counter to pay for their hospital bills, and then I go outside and kick a bum in the face because I’m so awesome. This rap music is pretty lame unless I’m at the club and some chick is fellating me in the VIP room, or unless I’m in my car driving and some chick is fellating me in the VIP room of my car, which is what call my driver’s seat. Is this guy related to Ray J or Nick Cannon, because if he isn’t, chances are that I don’t care.


Friday Night Lights: Original Television Soundtrack
Artists’ Addiction Records (7/24/07)
Soundtrack (Rock / Alternative / Indie / Hip-hop)

I’ve never seen this television series, which airs on NBC, so I might not be able to cull anything out music as it directly applies to the show. That said, there are some really good cuts on this album. The stripped-down Like Rebel Diamonds Remix of The Killers’ “Read My Mind” really gives the song a whole new depth. José González’s cover of Suicide’s “Storm” is a nice acoustic interpretation (with a similar effect as Gray Jules’ cover of “Mad World”, though not quite as moving), while Tony Lucca’s cover of “Devil Town” is sort of irritating and loses all of the dark, manic-depressiveness of Daniel Johnston’s original. Spoon makes an appearance with their funky track “I Turn My Camera On”, which one might recognize from the recent commercials for the Jaguar XK grand tourer. But wait, there is a bit of rap thrown in there, too, and will OutKast’s “Idlewild Blues” is straight-up bluegrass, “Big Big Kid” by Jibbs more than likely served as the backdrop for a high school party scene where one of the main characters either got drunk or raped. Maybe both! Solid tracks by Whiskeytown and Drive-By Truckers, along with an Iron & Wine/Calexico collaboration, have just enough Southern twang to remind us that this show is set in a small Texas town. An outro by Explosions in the Sky, which scores most of the series, is a nice way to wrap everything up. I ended up being pretty impressed by this album, mostly because I had low expectations.

One time my grandma said that I was dating Lindsay Lohan at Kenny G’s birthday party, but grandma’s just joking around. That or she’s senile. I can’t really keep track of anything because that would require me to make an effort to do something, and unless it involves coke, vodka or pussy I’m not budging. I actually just took Lindsay Lohan out after feeling bad about saying her pussy smelled like diarrhea, and we smoked some crack and took turns taking shots of sambucca out of her dad’s asscrack, because one time I said that Lindsay Lohan’s dad is hotter than her, and I really truly do believe that. I just wrote a song called “Firecrotch,” and it’s dedicated to Lindsay Lohan. Paris Hilton is actually in the room with me right now laughing in the background as I type this, because I kick ass. Did I mention that Lindsay Lohan’s pussy smells like diarrhea?