Contradicting Popular Opinion Cox Style:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
Hello folks and welcome to CPO with your guest host this week, Danny Cox. You know me, so let’s skip the formalities and get right to it shall we? There is a film that came out in 1992 entitled Gladiator. It was about poverty and an underground boxing syndicate. It starred Cuba Gooding Jr., Robert Loggia, James Marshall, and Brian Dennehy. The film was an absolutely great flick and held a strong title to with it.
That is until 2000 when that piece of crap with Russell Crowe came out with the same title.
Bring On The Suck
The first and second time I ever saw Gladiator was back in the theatre in 2000 while I was doing an internship at Disney World. My first viewing blew me away as I thought it was an absolutely excellent flick and all the media hype leading up to it was truly worth it. But then a friend of mine hadn’t gotten to see it so I said I’d go with her another time because it was so cool.
That second viewing is when I realized how much it sucked.
Could the script be any damn longer? I mean there were times when I thought they would never stop talking. The battle scene in the beginning is most excellent and I even enjoy the battle at the end when Maximus is fighting for his life in the arena. Not the fight with Commodus; that sucked. But the entire middle portion of the film is just incredibly long and boring.
Shut up! The both of you!
I like a good story just as much as the next guy. As a matter of fact, action flicks aren’t even really my cup of tea. I’ll watch them sure, but it’s the films that will have you thinking or really needing to pay attention that gets me to really enjoy watching. So it’s not like I’m some big explosions/fight scene junkie hoping that Maximus would have taken out a knife and held it to the throat of the dude that put maggots in his wound. I just couldn’t take listening to them ramble anymore.
And don’t even get me started if you’re one of those that thinks Gladiator should be glorified for its social relevance. Oh please! It was the Roman Empire for God sakes and even though it was one of the strongest times in human history it’s still the view of Ridley Scott, not really actual history. Just like in Titanic (which is another horrible film by the way), the costumes just seem way too elaborate. They are Hollywood versions of the costumes and armor that were probably much rougher looking and not as elegant. Sure you want your film to look good, but then don’t claim to be going for realism.
Finally, there is the ending which is just blaaaaahhhh! There were some fantastic battles going on, a lot of useless talking, but still some kick ass battles. So what shall we do? Let’s end it with a boring speech and a heartwarming reuniting of Maximus with his family. Come on now. If ever there was the perfect opportunity to not have a happy ending, this was it. Maximus could have died with pride and bam, it’s over. Everyone could have been happy he prospered, but shocked he still bit it. Oh no, let’s have him finally get out of that wheat field and meet his family. Crap.
The Alternative aka The Anti-Suck
In 1992, a film came out with a relatively unknown by the name of Cuba Gooding Jr., but he was only a co-star. The main attraction was James Marshall who is now a relatively unknown. Marshall played Tommy Riley, a teenager who lived alone and was going to a school full of roughnecks. He needed to get some money so he had found out about an illegal boxing establishment run by Jimmy Horn (Brian Dennehy).
Horn got street kids to come in, box one another, and win a little money. Of course Horn got tons more due to the betting going on and him having kids take falls whenever he needed them to. And if a kid refused to do the dive, then he’d simply have the shit beaten out of them. But young Tommy Riley was someone that couldn’t be screwed over, and he was going to stand up to Horn even if it meant his life.
This is a fantastic damn flick and where I learned that the top of the head is the hardest part of the body. Still to this day, I share that little piece of information with people. There is some drama, a small bit of romance, some damn good boxing scenes, and a lot of hatred along with a little trickery. You want to see a film called Gladiator? Next time you go to the video store, grab this one instead of that useless waste of space claiming to be an epic.
Outro
That is it for this week’s edition of CPO and I hope you enjoyed my rendition. I also hope that I don’t drive away any of Kennedy’s loyal readers. Yall don’t have to worry because unless he goes away, I won’t be doing this again, and next week you’ll be returned to your favorite podcaster.
But I’m man enough to stand by my decisions by going against popular belief. I don’t do it on purpose; it’s just how I see things. So until some time in the future: Citizen Kane is boring, I don’t think The Simpsons are funny anymore, and Eric Clapton is a two-bit hack.
Have a good weekend everyone!
