The moss covered, three-handled family gredunza is the third of Chris Jericho’s 1004 moves, preceeded by an armdrag and armbar, and to be followed by an armbar and the Saskatchewan spinning nerve hold. It is a reference to the Cat in the Hat’s TV special.
Pro football, Pro wrestling, and Pinocchio
There are people who watch professional wrestling who don’t watch professional football. There have to be. There have to be people who didn’t know that Goldberg or the Rock or Lex Luger or any of sixteen dozen or so wrestlers used to be football players before stepping into the ring. There have to be people who, when they hear JR say that so-and-so used to be a linebacker in Minnesota, simply go “huh,†never to think about it a second time. These people must be out there, because if they aren’t I am very, very alone. Crazily enough, I follow pro wrestling and not pro football. I don’t watch wrestling because it features football players who no longer play football. I don’t compare the two because to me, at least, the two have nothing at all in common besides a few paltry aesthetics.
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This is why, when I heard that Adam “Pacman†Jones was signing to TNA, I thought “huh,†and tried to not think about it a second time. However, everywhere I turn, I see people writing about this. Simply type “pro wrestling & football†into google and the only story you’ll get for eight pages is this “Pacman†story. Brian Schmitz of the Orlando Sentinal wrote a great column about why this is an exceptionally stupid move on TNA’s part. This is one of the few pieces where they actually defend professional wrestling from a pro football player. Most pieces are staying far away from the spirit of this piece, offering no opinion on the matter (fair, considering that nothing has happened yet). The point has to be raised, however, as to why this is news at all. Why does a football player spending his summer in a wrestling promotion cause a news frenzy? And what is the real connection between the two professions?
I’m sure the folks at TNA love all the mainstream press. They are getting more publicity (albeit as a money-grubbing desperate-for-attention sideshow) than ever before. Whether it pans out in an increased interest in their product is up for debate, but if they subscribe to McMahon’s former tagline of “any press is good press,†then they’ve hit momentary pay dirt. Something tells me that TNA will treat Jones the same way they’ve treated all their celebrity cameos; give them a relationship with a lower-caste hero (role most recently played by Jerry Lynn), put them in an antagonistic scene with a lower-caste villain (role most recently played by James Storm) and have the hero and villain fight it out while Jones stands on the apron and looks like a celebrity. If he’s not allowed to do the compulsory spear/clothesline/dropkick combo that every cameo celebrity learns (reports say he can’t actually compete, which is ridiculous because nobody in a wrestling ring “competes†in the same way a football player competes) then I’m sure he’ll simply smile his way through the proceedings and come out with slightly better PR. The question of why he simply doesn’t go start up a charity or volunteer at a few homeless shelters springs to mind (Schmitz brings this up as well), but one man’s six-sided ring is another’s chance for public redemption, I suppose.
Going to TNA does two things for Jones, but they are immediately disqualified by the simplest usage of reason. First off, Jones is going there so that he can stay on television (hence why he’s not appearing at your local soup kitchen). Yes, TNA is on television, but so is Attack of the Show, and nobody watches that either. The paltry 1.0 ratings they seem to celebrate mean jack all in the “real world,†where Jones is supposedly from. As well, that 1.0 is what’s known as the “core wrestling audience.†These are the people who are also watching WWE on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. TNA’s entire reason for existing is as a commentary on what WWE is doing (at least, that’s what people who write about it would have you believe) and in all likelihood wouldn’t exist if not for the mishandling and demise of WCW and ECW in 2001. Wrestling is about conflict on every scale. Two people wrestle (good guy and bad guy). Two shows compete for wrestlers (Raw and Smackdown). Two companies compete for viewers (WWE and WCW, and now TNA). Two kinds of viewers compete for the writers’ attention (casual and hardcore). On every level, wrestling is based on contrasting opposition, and one has to wonder what a football player who won’t wrestle will fit into that.
Secondly, TNA provides an avenue for Jones to retain his “reputation,†which, according to Wikipedia (I have to look these things up because I don’t follow football) includes being charged five times for assault (mostly in strip clubs). For a simpleton, the math works. A football player can’t play football because he’s been suspended for being too violent, so he signs up with a wrestling company because they celebrate violence. Straight from a press release quote of Jones’, he says “I am a big fan of wrestling, so I wanted to give it a try. I respect wrestling and I’m not coming in like it’s just a show.†If we’re to believe this statement, then Jones wants to treat wrestling like it’s real, as if it’s realness is what makes him respect it so much. Nobody is going to gain anything with this kind of logic. First of all, TNA is just as “fake†as anything else out there (moreso, because it’s taped and edited weeks in advance) and they haven’t once claimed that they weren’t. Secondly, Jones won’t be wrestling, so what of his reputation can be put on display? His grimace? His ability to scare the daylights out of strippers?
So we’ve covered why Jones would want to show up on TNA (and why those ideas are idiotic), and we’ve touched on why TNA would want Jones to show up (equally idiotic), but a giant and pressing question arises: why are pro wrestling and pro football so enamored with one another? On one hand, we’ve got an extensive number of injured or bored football players finding various stages of fame and appreciation in pro wrestling; on the other, we have the recipients of that talent, as well as an aesthetic approach to television that often imitates Fox sports’ style (though it’s difficult to tell who began using animated VS screens first), as well as the ever-haunting ghost of the XFL.
Does it come down to similar physical and mental demands? This might come off as blasphemy towards the sports-loving crowd, but the “greatest athletes in the world†slang that Ric Flair used to deliver in the 80’s finally came true: pro wrestlers have, by far, the toughest physical and mental strain compared to any other sport. Maybe if they took a few weeks off every year (something I’m sure everyone would agree is a necessary next step in progressing past the three-ring kayfabe legacy they’ve supposedly left) then we could discuss particulars. You can see the strain on their bodies, week in and week out. I remember going to a live show in 2002 and watching Stone Cold Steve Austin drink beers in the ring after the cameras went off. This was a week before he quit the company, and you could literally see the weight on his shoulders as he moved around. He looked like a dying wolf. It was enough to make me stop watching for almost two years.
One can imagine that the adrenaline rush is similar in terms of the runners high. But again, football is a sport. Football players are paid to be good at a single, specialized skill. Football players don’t have to be able to enunciate with grace or be role models to kids. Football players don’t have to deal with the weight of having a character placed on them. “Pacman†Jones has nothing on “The King of Kings†HHH in terms of significance. I’m assuming Jones earned the nickname because he “eats through his competition†or something similar. “The King of Kings†is a moniker that could be the topic of an entire thesis, it’s so deep a tagline. So could “Hollywood†Hulk Hogan. So could “Kane.†So could “The Sandman,†if only to prove that you can be a deep character and not be a top name. Characters have depth and significance. Athletes have stat records and gold-plated trophies that don’t get the honour of being smashed to bits by your worst enemy. Quite simply, wrestling is a deep and almost impenetrable art form (to the point that people who don’t understand often mock it) and football is simply a competition of physical skill with cheerleaders on the side.
But maybe it’s because some wrestlers (and some wrestling promotions) really want to be football players (or football promotions). We’ve seen this with Brock Lesner, a multi-time wrestling champion in both amateur and professional settings. He left to play football, a “real†sport. Vince McMahon thought the XFL would be a good idea. It’s a bit like Pinocchio wanting to be a real boy. Fact of the matter is, he was a hell of a lot more entertaining when his nose grew as he lied.
