Tonight, on TNA Impact! Big burly guys hit each other, sometimes with things! Now with the cleaning power of Test!
Letitia, along with Matt Morgan (who seems like he’s aged, like, ten years in the last three), are in Jim Cornette’s office, and he has an announcement that’s SO huge, he has to be interrupted by Team 3D, who demand a tag team title rematch, saying some stuff that has to be bleeped about Homicide and Rick Steiner. Cornette calls Brother Ray fat, then heads out to the ring to actually make his announcement, saying that no tag title shots will be given until after Hard Justice. Brother Ray and Devon say they’re not waiting for anything and, just to be a dick, Ray calls Letitia a skank. Well, THAT was uncalled for.
Video package featuring the ladder match from last week, and Andrew Martin’s debut from last week. Oh, and Kurt Angle’s wife wants a divorce…in storyline. Which is retarded beyond all belief. Doesn’t anyone remember what happened with Kevin Sullivan, Woman, and Chris Benoit when they did one of those stories back in WCW? There’s no joke there, I’m just saying that, sometimes, storylines in the ring sometimes have resonations in real life. Angle and his wife have already been through the ringer, so I just wonder about the good taste of all of this. Maybe I’m just being alarmist, but, whenever real life family is brought into the mix (Rey Misterio’s son Dominic, Torrie Wilson’s father, etc.), the story tends to either a) be terrible or b) have real-world consequences.
Cornette is out to make his big announcement, but he gets interrupted by Christian Cage and the Christian Coalition (which, I suppose, no longer has Scott Steiner in it), and Cornette tells Cage the match that Abyss has asked for: The Doomsday Chamber of Blood Match. Basically, it’s a Cage Match with barbed wire on the top of it, and your opponent must be bleeding before you can pin them. Okay, fine enough concepts, although didn’t Piper and Hogan have something like that, like, eight or nine years ago, and it totally blew? Oh wait, that was a First Blood match that stopped being a First Blood match mid-match and…oy. Anyway, the winner of this will get a title match at No Surrender. Cage is tired of Cornette giving him these crazy matches with Abyss, and says that if those guys had the stones, THEY’D come out…and, of course, the lights go out, and Andrew Martin, Sting, and Abyss clean house on the heels, beating them to the back.
So, we get Sting, Martin, and Abyss vs. The Christian Coalition in a match featuring whatever creepy words they could fit in. Why not Doomsday Blood Death Clawhammer Evil Darkness Universe of Painful Harmful Deadly Blood Deathmatch? I feel like that might bring the buyrate up a smidge.
Backstage, Jeremy Borash runs into Kurt Angle, who’s devastated about losing his wife and his kids, and wants a hug from Borash, who says, “When was the last time you took a bath?” Angle calls him an insensitive bastard (which he absolutely is for saying something like that…prick), and says that he needs to talk to Kevin Nash, as only he’d understand.
Rundown of the matches tonight, and a promo for Pacman Jones, who I couldn’t care less about. We’re getting a House of Fun match, a Tag Team match where no one is with their normal partner, and Samoa Joe with a special guest! I’m thinking it’s Tim Conway, as he’s hiLARious.
(Commercial)
PPV Rundown, then into the House of Fun match…hey, Raven is back to dressing like a grunge guy! Alright!
House of Fun Match:
Raven, “Cowboy” James Storm, and Robert Roode vs. Kaz, “Wildcat” Chris Harris, and Rhino
Kaz is attacked before he even gets in the ring, and the brawling continues as Harris and Rhino make their entrances. Roode smashes Rhino with a cookie tray, and moves Rhino into the corner to beat him with a crutch. Meanwhile, Raven beats on Kaz with the cookie tray and a hockey stick, and Rhino uses Roode’s momentum to get him partially out of the ring, and right into a trash can from Harris. Harris beats Raven in the ring with a trashcan, and then turns around to see Storm holding a trash can lid. Not to be outdone, Harris gets one too, and we have a face-off, as they trade headshots with the trash can lids, but they sound so tinny, it’s hard to imagine it hurts. Harris wins, so you know, then does a little battle cry with the tray. Raven, by the way, is all bleeding. Wuss. Roode hits Harris with a chair, but Kaz tosses a chair right at Roode’s face, and then Raven knocks down Kaz. Kaz and Roode brawl to the outside, and Kaz gets put on a table, and Raven jumps from the second turnbuckle with an elbow, putting Kaz through it. I like that the last thing we see before the break is Storm just sitting in a chair in the ring and chilling out. That man knows when a commercial is coming, and he’s going to enjoy it in style.
(Commercial)
We return to Kaz suicide diving right into a James Storm trashcan on the outside. Drop toehold by Rhino on Raven right to a chair. Harris messes around with a nunchuku, and Rhino, holding a chair, just chases him out. Tenay: “Does he even know how to use that thing?” Kaz springboard dropkicks onto Raven, then Van Daminates Roode. Raven hits Kaz with a kendo stick, but Harris comes in and beats on Raven. Raven and Roode try to double team, but Harris gives them a double clothesline. Harris follows Roode outside, but gets jumped by Ms. Brooks. In the ring, Kaz kicks Raven through a propped up table, but Roode comes in, hits him in the stomach with a mallet, then gives him the Perfectplex for the pin.
Fun match. I’m always happy to see Kaz, and AMW is usually good in the “hitting each other with crap” category of matches. It’s also nice to see Raven doing something quasi-interesting, as he can be a hell of a talent when used properly.
Letitia tries to get into Samoa Joe’s locker room to see his “special guest” for tonight, but she only gets a peek before the door is slammed in her face, and she rants about how we are NOT gonna believe who the guest is, and that we should stay tuned. Man, Brother Ray was right”¦skank.
(Commercial)
The Black Reign is coming to Hard Justice. Wha?
Kurt Angle is weeping to Kevin Nash backstage, basically saying that everything is Samoa Joe’s fault, and finally, Nash snaps on him, tells him to stop whining like a little bitch, and that he’s PERFECT, and that there’s something wrong with everyone else. He’s Kurt Angle, dammit. Kurt’s feeling better, until Jeremy Borash, who’s just sitting in the room with a microphone, mentions that Samoa Joe has a surprise guest, which gets Angle sobbing again. Nash escorts him out, saying, “No one cares about the surprise guest!” and then, eyes wide and interested, leans into Borash, who whispers something into his ear, and Nash remarks, “Ah, he doesn’t need that!” which, of course, makes Angle cry more. Heh.
Tag Team Clusterf*@k Match:
Kip James and Brother Devon vs. Homicide and Rick Steiner
Kip and Homicide start, with Kip charging and missing. Homicide hits him a few times, but it’s ineffectual, and Kip knocks him down. Homicide, however, uses his speed to hit some dropkicks (although he can’t Irish whip Kip, who’s too big), a jawbreaker, and a tilt-a-whirl headscissors to take Kip down. Tag to Steiner, who gets in some offense, but is ultimately taken down by Kip, who tags in Devon, and we go to commercial as Devon beats on him a bit.
I have to say, that really kind of made Homicide look like the good guy”¦which the audience seems fine with, as they totally cheered him over Kip.
(Commercial)
Another damn commercial for Adam “Pacman” Jones. He’s a goddamn football player, people. Remember Lawrence Taylor wrestling Bam Bam Bigelow? That’s the absolute best you’re gonna get. Go back and watch the tape. It’s entertaining, but he’s still not that good. It’s just a whole lot of punching, which wasn’t so bad then, but he’ll get demolished in TNA. Maybe I’m wrong; frankly, I hope I am.
As we return, Devon is beating on Rick, giving him a jawbreaker, then whipping him against the ropes, and Steiner catching him in a powerslam…sort of. Homicide and Kip tagged in, and Homicide is playing the fiery face, although he or Kip botches a wheelbarrow bulldog. Regardless, it looks terrible, possibly like Kip didn’t realize he had to fall down until about two seconds too late. Miscommunication leads to Devon giving an avalanche to Kip, and Homicide hits a crossbody onto Devon, who rolls to the outside. He runs against the ropes, but gets tripped up by Devon, allowing Kip to hit the Fameasser for the win.
Post-match, all the tag team partners come out, and everyone scatters. Yawn.
Letitia is in the back with Samoa Joe, who says that last week, he ruined Angle’s marriage, and this week, he’s going to ruin his life. This can only be disappointing, even if it IS Tim Conway. Best line of the night, from Letitia: “Angle isn’t the only one looking for you. Team 3D has been making some idle threats.”
Dear TNA Writers,
The term “idle threats” means that one should not be worried about them, because they’re idle, as in not moving. Please proceed to not be stupid in the future and utilize the magnificent invention of the dictionary before you rely on whatever cliche you here.
Hugs and Kisses,
Ivan Rushfield
(Commercial)
Samoa Joe comes up for, one presumes, a main event interview, although there’s almost fifteen minutes left. And his guest is…Karen Angle. Oh, what a lord of crap. This is the big deal? This is what shocked everyone? God, fifteen minutes of this…alright, let’s see what happens. Although, it should be noted, Karen’s quite the looker. Go Kurt.
Samoa Joe offers to give Karen a front row seat to the match at Hard Justice to watch him beat up her “estranged husband,” which of course means that she’s going to turn on Joe and help Angle win. This announcement, naturally, brings out Kurt Angle, disheveled as he is, and he wants to talk to his wife. He says that, for the last twelve years, that wasn’t the real Kurt Angle, and that he treated her wrong, and that he treated their kids wrong. Actually, THAT might be the line of the night (“For the last twelve years, that wasn’t the real Kurt Angle.”). He begs her to give him another chance. Karen says she wants to believe him, and he says she should, and that, if for no other reason, they should do it for the kids. She said that she IS doing this for the kids, which is why the marriage is over, which the audience applauds. Barbarians…so, basically it’s the same angle from last week, in case you weren’t watching.
Samoa Joe rubs it in, talking about how much he’s enjoying Angle’s misery, even rubbing in how awesome his kids are and how they’re no longer his. He says he’s coming for the title, and his music plays, but we still have seven minutes left…so out comes Team 3D, who says that Angle is a good man, and that they’re back for their tag belts. They tell Joe to put the belts down and walk away like a good little Samoan boy. He puts the belt down, and, almost teasing walking way, decides to start fighting them both. He’s doing okay, but Angle joins in, and locks the ankle lock on Joe, as Brother Ray and Devon whip him with the tag belts. Huh, interesting imagery. Angle releases the hold, and Devon blasts Joe with a chair. Then, the Steiners come out, and they attack Team 3D, and actually help Samoa Joe up. Oh, so the Steiners are nice now. Whatever. I don’t care how humbling the injury was, Scott Steiner can’t go from being one of the most vicious, evil, dastardly heels in the company to being a friendly nice guy over the course of one injury, unless he were out for, say, eight months.
We’re out, except for a rundown of the Pay-Per-View, which is looking”¦quasi-interesting.
The Inside Pulse
House of Fun match was…well, fun, but I really get a bad taste in my mouth in relation to the Karen Angle, er, angle. Hopefully, when she inevitably turns on Samoa Joe this weekend, being at ringside and all, she’ll show up on television MAYBE one more time, and that will be the end of it.
The Pay-Per-View looks fine, I suppose. Main event should be the usual Joe/Angle goodness, I’m sure Rhino and Storm can have a decent little brawl, and anything that gets Kaz a bigger spotlight is worthwhile, and I imagine Raven is more than up to the task of going one-on-one with him.
I warn you now, though, do NOT expect an amazing tag team match from Team 3D/Steiner Brothers. The Steiners were amazing when Scott Steiner was the future of the industry, not when he was an over-sized, ‘roided out nutcase. Rick has always been average at best, and happened to have great partners, such as Eddie Gilbert or, at a time, Scottie. So, all I ask is that you take that match with a grain of salt, and maybe make a sandwich.
