Welcome! Join us for Cena & Umaga vs. Carlito & Orton, plus a hell of a lot more!
My mixture of Red Bull & Lemonade is chilled, my Pizza is waiting to be devoured… everything is good. BUT WILL RAW BE? LOLROFLLOL! I’m filling in for PK tonight, but if you fancy becoming the permanent replacement for PK send an email to baddasspk@gmail.com
We start with a recap of the whole Vince McMahon Limo angle, and also from what he said last week about Congress. This is very dramatic music I must say. Then it leads into Coachman informing Vince about the Paternity Suit he’s been served with.
The Raw theme kicks in, the fireworks EXPLODE and JR introduces us to RAW, coming from Madison Square Garden. JR and King run down the card, including Jerry Lawler crowning King Booker the “King†of the WWE.
Dozens and dozens of WWE Superstars are gathered around the ring (from Raw, Smackdown and ECW) and Vince makes his way down to the ring. He says he’s shocked about having an illegitimate child, and he doesn’t remember her name or what she looks like… then goes on to say he won’t be intimidated by her, just like he’s not imtimidated by Congress and the US Government. (Way to tell them Vince).
The crowd start an “Who’s Your Daddy†chant, which makes no sense what-so-ever, as Vince ask for the understanding of us, the viewers, in his time of need. Nothing bothers him, apparently, and here comes Stephanie McMahon walking down to the ring.
Oh crap, Steph’s got a mike.
Stephanie addresses her Dad, and has a go at Vince for putting Shane, Stephanie and Linda through his “deathâ€Â. Vince makes an awesome “It’s all about the moneeeey†speech, but Stephanie has apparently been to an attorney and has found out that the very person Vince has fathered is standing around this ring, right now. The crowd start a small “Kennedy†chant. No way is it Kennedy… my pick is Viscera.
Stephanie then leaves, and Vince walks rather slowly around the ring looking at all the WWE SuperStarz… but as he leaves, he stops and looks at Kennedy for a while… then does the same thing to Mark Henry. I love this show!
We’re back from the break, and straight into Black Lesner’s Surgery video… apparently he blames himself for his injury, but he’s going to make Kennedy pay. Does the WWE proof read/watch ANYTHING?
Speaking of Kennedy, here he comes. OOOOO… Sandman’s music hits as Kennedy makes his entrance talky talky, and he’s not best pleased about it!
Sandman vs. Ken Kennedy
They lock up, and trade bear and body hugs, all looking rather manly. Sandman using a fair few “wrestling†moves before being caught on the top rope as Kennedy snapmare’s him to the mat. Kennedy catches Sandman with a running knee to the corner ala Samoa Joe, then hits him with whatever his finishing move is called and that’s it.
Winner: Ken Kennedy
Coach and Vinney Mac are in the back, and Vince is annoyed at Stephanie for breaking the news about his illegitimate child being on the WWE roster.
Coach has an idea how to work out who the child is, by working out when Vince first became sexually active. Pretty damn young, apparently. Flair interrupts and just say’s WOOO a few times, with a big cheesy grin on his face. We cut to a Randy Orton: Legend Killer promo video showing us which “Legend’s†he’s killed.
We’re back from the break, and JR and Jerry Lawler talk about William Regal’s new Game Show – WWE Idol!
Oh man, you’ve gotta see this to get the full effect. Regal’s dressed like Simon Cowell, and he introduces us to JBL and Michael Cole with funny wigs on, dressed like they’re from the 80’s, as they start to sing. Ron Simmons and Maria interrupt, Regal asks Maria to be the judge on the new show, which she accepts. As a thank you for that, Regal tells Ron and Maria they can go out on their date next week, at which point Santino rudely interrupts and complains about the date. Santino says that he will sing tonight on WWE Idol, and if he’s successful then the Maria-Simmons date is off the cards.
Cryme Tyme make their way down to the ring, and after some great crowd interaction (including selling Lillian Garcia’s chair for $1,000), Cade and Murdoch’s music hits and it looks like we’ve got a match.
Cade & Murdoch vs. Cryme Tyme
After an ad-break, we join Raw with the match already in progress with Trevor Murdoch pummelling one of the CT boys (I missed which one) in the corner. Quick tags between Cade and Murdoch, as they have isolated Shad on their side of the ring, and are wearing him down.
Shad fights back eventually, and scores the hot tag to JTG, who hits a leg drop on Trevor Murdoch and goes for the pin, which Lance Cade breaks up. Cade beats down JTG and goes for the pin, but Shad jumps back in the ring with the Chair they auctioned off earlier on tonight and clocks Cade with it resulting in a DQ.
Winners – Cade & Murdoch via DQ
Another Randy Orton “Legend Killer†promo video, this time it shows him killing RVD.
We return from another ad-break to see that Triple H returns at SummerSlam. As if we didn’t know.
It’s time… it’s time… it’s VADER TIME.
Only joking… it’s Snitsky time. I love his music. It’s like Jaws… only a bit different.
Snitsky vs. Robbie McCallister
Big Boot, Pumphandle slam and it’s over…
Winner – Snitsky
Joy… Snitsky then continues his “unpredictability†by destroying Rory McCallister as well.
We cut to Vince and Coach in the back still talking about ways to find out who his son is. They bump into Cody Rhodes, who hands Vince some condoms. Vince uses Magnum Trojan Condoms apparently. As Cody leaves, The Boogeyman’s music plays and he makes an appearance from behind a dumpster. Boogey does his usual crap, then Coach says that Boogeyman does have Vince’s eyes. Vince pretty much no-sells Boogey while he contemplates having Boogey as a son, but makes a quick getaway anyway.
After another friggin’ ad-break, here’s Todd Grisham with WWE Idol, introducing the celebrity judges. Up first, William Regal. Regal insults Grisham, then we go to Maria, who is Judge number 2. Mick Foley is judge number 3, much to the delight of the crowd.
Foley nails his cheap pop, and will also do anything for money apparently. Foley rules.
Jillian Hall is up first in the contest… WOW… her boobs are huge. She sings an awful song about beating Candice Michelle, but Foley interrupts and is actually glad he had his ear ripped off the side of his head. Maria avoids answering the question, but says Jillian looks really nice. Regal slates her performance and tells her to get off the stage.
Up next… The Iron Shiek and Nicoli Volkoff! Howard Finkel is out to introduce them, and asks for the crowd to stand up while Volkff sings the Russian National Anthem. Volkoff sings, and the crowd chants USA, USA, USA. Foley and Maria don’t rate them, Regal says it was bloody awful, and then Sheik goes on a rampage with a live microphone, (oh crap) and after kind of insulting Regal, security escort them off the stage.
Lillian Garcia is up next, and starts to sing “New York, New York†but Santino Marella interupts, calls Lillian a prostitute and starts singing “When the Moon Hit’s Your Eye†to Maria.
Foley insults Santino, Santino asks Maria to leave with him but Maria can’t as she’s still got judging to do. Ron Simmons music hits, and as my wrists are hurting from typing this I hope this is near the end of the segment.
Yup… Simmons rams Santino into the Stage, and Regal declares Simmons the winner of WWE Idol.
Another damn Randy Orton “Legend Killer†video is show, this time it’s good old Dusty Rhodes who is getting the ass-whupping.
Cody Rhodes, with pretty damn good theme music, makes his way to the ring as it’s time for his match.
Cody Rhodes vs. Charlie Haas
Hass doesn’t even get a proper entrance as he’s already in the ring (with Shelton). Hip-lock takeover by Cody and a quick roll-up gets a two count. Hass has Rhodes in the corner and stamps away before taking him to the mat with a couple of stiff shots to the back. Reverse chinlock by Hass leads into a few knees to the head, and Hass goes for a pin and gets a two.
Hass continues to dish out the punishment to that young wippersnapper Cody, and rams him into the Turnbuckle. Cody turns things around slightly, but not for long as Hass locks him into a body scissors before going after a headlock. Cody counters using the ropes, and mounts a comeback with a series of punches and dropkicks. Cody hits a sloppy Bulldog, before trying a crossbody from the top turnbuckle, which Hass rolls over with and tries to pin Cody but to no avail. Cody take control and goes for a roll up and gets the win!
Winner – Cody Rhodes
Jerry Lawler’s music hits, and it’s time for King Bookers coronation.
Back from an ad-snap, King Booker is getting in the ring, where Lawler and his crown await his royal majesty.
Sharmell introduces us to King Booker. Booker goes on to say that he defeated Jerome Lawler, and is the one true King of the WWE and demands Lawler to place to crown on the head of King Booker. This should be were we get a Triple H video or something like that. Lawler stalls for time, gets a microphone and says that he was handed a note from William Regal saying Booker has a match at SummerSlam against this man…
Cue Triple H entrance video.
Booker doesn’t look too pleased with that. Lawler places the crown on the mat and stamps it flat. Booker attacks Lawler and they brawl before a Sharmell assistance turns the tide in Bookers favour. Booker smacks a TV monitor over Lawler’s bonce and starts going crazy as Sharmell tries to calm her man down.
Todd Grisham replaces Jerry Lawler in the announce booth, and both he and JR run down the SummerSlam card.
Another boring Randy Orton video, this time it’s good old Sergeant Slaughter getting the Legend Killing treatment.
Orton makes his way down to the ring, and with there only being roughly 20 minutes left I’m guessing it’s Main Event time. He’s got some mike time, so we’ve got Orton cutting a promo on John Cena, talking guff about their SummerSlam match and he actually gets a few cheers when he says he’ll end Cena’s lengthy title reign.
Carlito, Umaga and Cena all make their own entrances to the ring, and I do believe it’s time for the Main Event.
John Cena & Umaga vs. Randy Orton & Carlito
Crowd start a duelling “Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks†chant, which is so passé. Umaga and Orton start out, but all four men quickly get in the ring for a mass brawl, before Umaga and Cena clear the ring as we go to an ad-smash.
We’re BACK, and we’ve got Carlito face-first in the corner, and Cena and Umaga are having their way with him. Todd sounds excited by that fact. I wonder if the rumours are true? Irish Whip to the turnbuckle from Cena and a back suplex onto Carlito earns a two count.
Carlito and Orton take control and double team John Cena, then Randy nails a sweet dropkick on Cena and goes for the cover, but gets a two count. Tag to Carlito, and Carlito goes to work on the back, goes for a quick unsuccessful cover, but Cena kicks out so Carly locks on a sleeperhold, which Cena promptly reverses.
Orton tags in and starts attacking the head area of John Cena, hitting a stiff kick to the head. Randy goes for a kneedrop, but Cena, playing possum, moves out of the way. Randy tags out to Carlito and they keep him isolated and double team him.
The crowd start a duelling “Randy Orton/Sucks!†chant, which is pretty unique, at least for a Wrestling show. Randy must be tired, as he puts Cena into a dreaded headlock. Cena eventually fights out of it, bulldogs Randy Orton and both men are down on the mat.
After fending of Carlito, Cena makes the “hot†tag to Umaga, and the Samoan Bulldozer cleans house. Tag in to Cena, (I think, I missed it) and Cena nails an F-U on Carlito for the win!
Vince and Coach are shown talking in the back, and have all Vince’s indiscretions… in the 1970’s. Vince starts reliving memories about his sexual conquests. Coach stops Vince McMahon, and points over his shoulder. It’s good old Linda McMahon. As of right now, Vince no longer has a home. So much for bringing his family back together, eh?
That’s all she wrote folks, thanks for joining me. I’m off to bed. Peace!
