So you’ll see two different sets of thoughts on the show tonight. My thoughts, and the thoughts of my wife, who doesn’t watch ECW ever. There’s a reason for this, as us wrestling fans don’t usually get to see the show from the opinion of someone who is watching for the first time. Yeah, I might complain about move selection for the match, but it’s something completely different when someone who hasn’t seen John Morrison makes his usual speech and calls it “boring”. Maybe every now and again, it’s good to hear a fresh voice.
His thoughts:
Okay, so why are we starting this show with something that happened on RAW last night? This is EXTREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING. Not RAW.
We’re back to the Marilyn Manson this week, which makes twice in a row. I dig the intro, which I couldn’t tell you if it is brand new, but it’s kinda new.
We’re starting the show with Jonathan Coachman??? ON RAW??? COME ON. This crap was off my show for so long. We were free from the crap booking of RAW for so so long. The Coach says that he’s got some business to attend to.
AN ECW GENERAL MANAGER. ARMANDO ESTRADA.
Double M spotted Estrada on RAW last night, and I suppose this is why. Estrada gets the “what” treatment as he’s reading from his script, staring at the C camera, talking to the people at home, but no one in the arena. He’s here to do the signing of the ECW title match between Punk and Morrison.
Morrison makes his entrance first, this time, finally without the Johnny Nitro jacket. I suppose he finally saved up enough money to buy himself a few jackets. Estrada announces Punk and my hometown goes nuts for Punk, as expected.
We get the WWE staredown over the table. Why do they feel the nee dto do these “signings” in public? Morrison spews his usual crap. He’s always got his sun glasses on, maybe so he can read the script a little better. Morrison signs without piquing my interest in the least and Punk gives the contract a look over. Morrison taunts a little bit before Punk reminds him that he won the match last night. Morrison comes back with more boring rhetoric. Punk tells him to “SHUT IT” and actually shows some life on the mic. Punk puts up some nice mic work before signing the contract.
The stare down some more before Estrada separates them and tells them both they have matches tonight. Punk has Big Daddy V and Morrison has the Boogeyman. Remember what I said about good matches last week? Forget it.
You know, with Punk, Estrada and Morrison, this is looking more and more like OVW. Let’s sign Brent Albright and have ourselves some fun!
Her thoughts:
i would think that vince mcmahon’s daughter would be hotter…
rob is mad because ecw is broadcasting about an hour from our house.
there’s an illegitimate child story-line, and i think this is stupid.
some guy with cigars in his pocket is ecw’s new general manager. his suit is white, and it’s faggy looking. his facial hair looks like pubes. i don’t get why there’s all this talking and bullshit when I’m supposed to be watching wrestling. I’m bored.
rob just told me ecw is an hour long… it’s 10:05 and feels like forever.
John Morrison is a macho hippie, which is just retarded.
cm punk looks like some greasy guy that i have nightmares about my daughter bringing home. it looks like he’s in a teeshirt and underpants. listening to these guys talk hurts my head. it’s like a slutty chick fight, except with deeper voices
His thoughts:
Big Daddy V over CM Punk by count out
Big Daddy V looks more buttery than usual this week. The CT crowd is firmly behind Punk, if they weren’t they wouldn’t be able to see past V. Punk tries a go behind, but V squashes him into the corner. V sends him to the other corner and slaps, head butts and kicks Punk a few times, but Punk turns around and hits two rising knees, but is caught on the second one and is sent to the canvas in a modified power bomb.
Punk goes for a ride in a gorilla press and is dropped to the canvas and V plods around the ring a bit more before screaming a few unintelligible words. V hits a rolling kick on Punk to send him out of the ring. Tazz and Joey are talking about how flexible V is. Gelatin is pretty flexible. Punk tries getting into the ring and is sent back out by V, who simply runs at the ropes and sends Punk into the announce table.
And… Punk is counted out? WHAT? CM PUNK JUST LOST BY COUNT OUT?
Pretty much Punk was just completely squashed by V shortly before fighting for the ECW championship. How does this make sense?
The replay of Big Daddy V running reveal the reason why the tides change. Big Daddy V’s always jiggly, always moving boobies.
Her Thoughts:
the guy with the tattoos on his stomach has stars on his underwear, and so do i. i’m never wearing these drawers again.
now there’s a fat guy that I don’t see the smaller guy with stars on his panties doing a very good job of taking down. yup. ok, there he goes. that was fast. the big fat guy looks angry.
ugh! jiggly man boobs! the big guy has a nasty, greasy body, and i’m pretty sure Star-panties is screwed.
big guy is holding Star-Panties package and threw him now, and now Star-Panties is being bitch slapped. I kind of have reached the conclusion that this match is sort of stupid, because it’s obvious that greasy Man Boobs is able to clobber Star Panties.
Yup. Sorry Star Panties. He doesn’t look so well. Man boobs is gloating over his win, like beating a guy 200 pounds less than you is something to be proud of. Stupid.
His thoughts:
Estrada meets with Dreamer, who wants an ECW championship shot after Summerslam. Estrada calls Dreamer lazy and gives him a minute to get to the ring. Tommy prett ymuch has everyone in his way including Stevie, Nunzia, a catering guy and Extreme Expose. When he gest to the ring he’s got to fight… BIG DADDY V?
Tommy Dreamer vs. Big Daddy V
So why do we have to watch fat bastard once more? As expected, V makes short work of Dreamer. This is depressing. The MSG crowd gets Saturday Night’s Main Event and the Connecticut crowd gets two Big Daddy V matches?
They tease the Morrison vs. Boogeyman match again before revealing Stevie vs. Thorn III.
Her Thoughts:
Talking. I really hate the “spontaneous” conversation in the hallways. It’s kinda dumb. Some guy is going to run to the ring, to fight whoever he finds there.
Some Guy is running to the ring in 60 seconds, limping. Ok, you’re a big wrestler. Quit limping.
Ha! he has to fight Greasy Man Boobs. He’s a little bigger than Star Panties, but I doubt this is going to go well. Yup. He’s done. Sorry Some Guy. Man Boobs is celebrating again. I’d like to see him take someone his own size. Wait, IS there anyone his own size?
His Thoughts:
We’re back at Mohegan Sun. We relive the moments last week seeing Balls getting his clock cleaned by the Miz. We cut backstage and Kelly Kelly is interrupted by Balls, who attempts to ask her out. The Miz interrupts with Brooke and Layla and… bullies Balls Mahoney? Balls gest serious and scares off the Miz, who takes Kelly with him. Poor Balls. He’s going to have to go to Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse by himself tonight. Or the Summer Shack, which is excellent.
Okay, now were going back to Stevie getting his ass kicked last week backstage before Arn Anderson and IRS stepped in.
Stephen Richards over Kevin Thorn by reversed decision
He’s “Stephen” Richards tonight. thorn overpowers Stevie and slaps him in the corner before Stevie presses on Thorn, giving a few punches before being clotheslines. thorn throws Stevie around the ring a little bit. Stevie nuts up and unloads some punches before being cut short and thrown with a nice body slam. Thorn attacks the back with some knees and hits Stevie with a diving clothesline. Thorn goes for a headlock and Stevie calls out for the yuppies of Connecticut to help him out of it. thorn hits him with a short clothesline and Thorn yells “How dare you beat me?”
That’s what’s known as a “bad attitude”.
Thorn hits a nasty clothesline and Stevie still kicks out at two. TWO!
thorn sends Stevie to the ropes and Stevie comes back with a forearm, them a few kicks and something that looks like a backstabber from the front, but for a two. TWO! Sunset flip for a two. TWO!
Thorn hits a big spine buster and… gets a three? What? What’s with the endings this week?
Thorn hits Stevie with a crucifix power bomb and the ref reverses his decision. So… STEVIE WINS! Three in a row. Color me surprised.
Her Thoughts:
Mohegan Sun.
It’s not a nice restaurant. the food there sucks. my PSA of the night.
OOO, wrestling again. Now there’s a goth looking guy wrestler. He looks like those losers from highschool that are “misunderstood” and “going though a phase”.
Looser.
He’s fighting a skinny guy in red boyshorts. Now it’s interesting; they look pretty well matched, even though Goth Looser is kind of “doughy”.
Goth Looser looks like he’s kicking the crap out of Red Shorts, and I’m surprised. My money was on the guy who had discernible muscles.
Headlock…
“How dare you beat me!” declared the Goth Looser. REALLY? Isn’t that the point?
Red Shorts is coming back, and it’s about time! ooo, no. Red Shorts is going down.
Goth Looser WON?! What the f*ck?!
Slowly, Goth Looser caressed his opponent’s stomach… homo. What’s THAT move called? Ah, now he’s kicking his ass some more, even after being declared the winner.
Oh, now the decision is reversed by the ref. because of “bad attitude”, and angry Goth Looser is glaring through his eyeliner. Ha! I liked Red Shorts best anyway. Too bad he looks like he has a broken neck and can’t celebrate.
His Thoughts:
Elijah Burke is talking with the Coach about his childhood. Blah.
Tazz and Joey go into hard sell mode for Summerslam before John Morrison makes his way to the ring. Why does he have a furry coat again? I just got finished saying that he dropped that stupid shit.
Her Thoughts:
I’m going to be excited, and this is going to be way more fun, if I can see John Cena wrestle. I just saw a promo for something with his face on it, and now my interest is peaked. He’s the only wrestler who I know by sight, thanks to a lifesize cutout of him in the local Spencer Gifts. I usually have to restrain myself from humping it when I walk by.
You know how some couples have “the list” of famous people you can cheat on should the opportunity arise? John Cena is number one on mine.
His Thoughts:
We’re back and here comes the main event.
The Boogeyman over John Morrison by DQ
If I were in the audience, I’d be pissed. Boogey is back to his old makeup, not the straight red and black tonight. A shame, cause the black and red was pretty good compared to this Ultimate Wohyah stuff.
Boogey hits a firemans carry and leapfrogs Morrison. Morrison gets sent from one corner to the other gets his with a splash and a clothesline. Boogey hits a body slam and a running splash for a two. TWO!
Joey compares this McMahon shit to the sword of Damacles. Bleck.
Bogey goes up top, but Morrison kicks him to the outside, but throws him back in, but that only gets a two. TWO! Morrison pounds on the ground and goes for another pin. Two. TWO!
Oh. My. God. The crowd is chanting for the Boogeyman. It’s like they know exactly what I never thought would happen.
Morrison locks Boogey’s arm, but he powers out, throws a few punches and whips him to the ropes and hits a clothesline, a body slam and a leg drop for a two. TWO!
Boogey stalks Morrison, but Morrison thrusts into the throat of the Boogeyman to take control.
Morrison climbs up to the top rope and COMPLETELY BLOWS A TOP ROPE CORKSCREW MOONSAULT. He missed him by at least 4 or five feet. I’m talking about a completely blown spot. What does he follow it up with? ANOTHER BLOWN SPOT as Morrison can’t get a springboard kick. He cant pin Boogey near the ropes and attempts to drag him away as Boogey holds on tight. This has gotten bad.
Morrison shoves the ref and… gets disqualified? Post match Boogeyman goes for the worms and Morrison gets the hell out of Dodge. What a friggin mess of a match. Morrison missed two spots in HUGE ways. That’s the kinda thing that costs you titles in the minds of agents kid. Hope you enjoyed the run, cause you just messed up bad on live TV.
Her Thoughts:
From the “bottomless pit”, with worms coming out of his mouth… ugh. I don’t think I like this wrestler. He’s creepy.
Yup. This is disgusting. The Macho Hippie just got a worm spit at him. Really? How much does this guy get paid to drool worms? Does PETA know about this guy?
Hey, Macho Hippie! A guy who drools worms is kicking your ass! Maybe your velvet pants are getting in the way.
I don’t think I can root for either of these guys. They both deserve to have their asses kicked. Where’s greasy Man Boobs? I bet he can take both of them. I’m not into the creepy worm drooling, or the faggy velvet pants.
Now the Macho Hippie threw himself off of the top rope and MISSED the creepy guy completely. Now he’s stumbled off the rope trying to do a fancy foot kick. Maybe he should stay off the ropes?
Uh oh. Creepy guy won and now, post-win he has thrown Macho Hippie to the ground and is attempting to give him mouth-to-mouth worms. THAT? Is nasty. Worms? In your mouth? Twice? To spit in another man’s mouth?
Where I grew up, you got shot for trying stuff like this.
The Inside Pulse
Her final thoughts:
Ok, this wasn’t nearly as horrible as I thought. I was bitching all day about having to watch wrestling, and tried to get out of it, but Rob said that he already made a “special announcement” and said he was really looking forward to having me do his writeup/podcast with him. And we’re newlyweds and shit, so I’m doing nice stuff for him.
It’s still all looks like a bunch of guys running around and slamming each other. I know there are all these technical words for what’s happening each second, but to me it was “blah blah blah, fight fight fight” over and over again. Kind of like yesterday when I took Rob purse shopping. We hit the Coach store and he tuned out. I don’t think I can ever be “into” wrestling. I just don’t get it.
My other beef: NO JOHN CENA! Why? WHY? The one night I watch! John, I missed you! Call me, ok? I love you…
