HOPEFULLY NEITHER IS STONE COLD
WELCOME TO:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
The wrestling commentary that comments on wrestling. We are the Alpha Dogs of wrestling verbage. We are the King of Kings of Kommenting Korragiously. We are in fact the end all be all of textual masterbation.
We are the Rabble…
JEFFREY – The Bartender Who Serves Us Our Drinks
BILL – The Guy Who Did Webcomics Now Feels That They Stink
HERNANDEZ – The Spanish Guy Who’s Currently Sick
DANI – My fiancee, Who Deals With This Prick
And Me, the Nipsey Russel of Wrestling Commentators, James Hatton
Let’s not forget the The Insyders over at the IP-Forums!
Hey wait a second… Tazz is hanging with Ross, what the hecks that about?! In the ring though, is Randy Orton.
“Antlers of DEATH!” – Bill
“Welcome to RAW is ORTON!” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“Welcome to RAW IS SCAT!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“And Orton’s got himself a destiny…” – JR
“ORTON DESTINY CHAMP!” – Me
So Randy grabs the mic and discusses how next time we see him he’ll have the WWE Championship Belt around his waist.
We see a flashback to SNME where Orton RKO’d Cena through a steel chair. Orton explains that the footage is VERY important. So we see it from a few different angles.
“Here’s the… KURT Angle… ha!” – Me
“No slow-mo?” – Bill
Randy then explains that the footage is going to be bigger than Hogan slamming Andre, or Austin 3:16, or the Montreal Screw Jrob.
“Jrob?” – Me
“What’s a Montreal Screw Drob? Is that like a Cleveland Steamer?” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“I think we need to use Montreal Screw Drob often.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
The crowd gets onto a Cena chant. Rumor has it that Cena isn’t here tonight.
“Randy started that rumor.” – Bill
Randy expects Cena to forfeit his WWE Championship and stares up at the top of the key. But no.. Vince time. Here he comes a’struttin’. Vince immediately explains that where the world title is important, Vince feels that his paternity suit is more important to him.
“I find that telling…” – Me
Vince would be proud to call Orton his son. He hopes that his new son is nothing like his other offspring. They are in it for all the money. He wants his new child to be magnanimous. He wants us to all open our arms to his son if he appears tonight.
The crowd boos and such, and Vince calls them sick for cheering the misfortune of others.
“BARK LIKE DOGS!” – Me
He hopes his son is NOT like John Cena.
“I hate black people..” – Me as Vince
Cena in the background is here and he’s on his way out. Vince chides Cena for not coming out to face Orton… and here he comes!
“I love the opening to Cena’s song, it gets you hyped up.. then he comes out and you go ‘oh yeah, nevermind’.” – Dani
“Randy lied to us…” – Me
“What did he say?” – Bill
“Cena wasn’t here.” – Me
“Well that’s what he heard…” – Bill
Cena gets into Vince’s face and says ‘these people don’t like you’. Vince chimes back ‘I don’t like you’ and it’s all interrupted back and forth.
“YOU’LL BE DEAD!” – Bill
So Cena discusses how he would be ashamed if he was Vince’s son.
“Wait, didn’t we meet Cena’s dad already?” – Me
Vince explains that if Cena doesn’t show up to Summerslam, he would be stripped of the title. McMahon then tells Cena that he might have had sex with Cena’s mom. Cena clubs Vince for that one.
Vince composes himself and explains that he has to face.. Snitsky?
“And the crowd immediately goes and simmers.” – Bill
“Crowd: “…(crickets)…”” – Insyder Darkstar who noticed too.
Next – Candice & Mickie vs. Melina & Beth… sure.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15
Heeere’s Melina, looking ok in Blue and Gold shinies.
Next, Beth in a black singlet thingy…
“She looks like a built Molly Holly.” – Hernandez
Now in jeans and boobs, Mickie James.
Finally, in pink and purple glittery with a remix of her theme song…. Candice.
“Why is Candice dancing like jeffykins.” – Insyder McLovin
“Wow, Candice is retarded. Like literally. I have always suspected, but tonight, yeah that dance proved.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Now, the most important person… REGAL!!!!!!
“I think Regal has the best hair in wrestling” – Insyder Dogfingers
“Regals Hair = Ratings.” – Insyder McLovin
He informs us that Summerslam is this Sunday and that you can’t have a party without Divas. So there will be a WWE Diva Battle Royal. The winner faces Candice at a later dat.e
“It’s like a breasts in the bank match.” – Me
“Isn’t that every match for you?” – Bill
“Wrong bank.” – Me
So in the ring, Beth is beating on Mickie, solid lil suplex and a pin for one. Mickie pushes Beth out ot the corner and a tag to Melina and Candice. Candice dropkicks Melina and hits the ropes with a clothesline for two.
Belly to back with a bridge.. OH GOD.. Melina didn’t die, amazing. Anyway, she hits a rolling leg lariet thingy for the win.
WINNER: CANDICE & MICKEY
So Mickey then snapkicks Candice and OUT she goes! Then Beth tosses out Melina. I see how it is…
Next Umaga on Carlito’s Cabana.
“Carlito’s Cabana, coming out for the NES.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
“So far… I should have stayed home.” – Hernandez
Last week, Santino sucked.
In the back, Regal is bugged by Santino. Santino claims that Regal is a homewrecker. Regal claims that the date is to be left alone.
Next, Bookah discusses the ‘Summer Slam Games’. He wants to meet Triple H in the ring tonight. Trips is invited to the official crowning of Bookah. Booker promises we shan’t be disappointed.
NAnnnd, Coach discusses Snitsky beating Cena. Vince discusses that he’s gotta son. Coach asks, ‘What if it’s Triple H’. They have a brief moment of ‘Naah’ before they see Val Venis with ‘Helloooo Daddy..’ Amusing.
“I like that every WWE wrestler doesn’t have a father.” – Dani
“I would enjoy Val being Vince’s son. He could call himself the Genetic Jackhammer Jr.” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Davairi in the background hugs Vince and kisses his cheeks and puts his turban on Vince’s head.
“Is it time for Cannonball Run again.” – Hernande
Vince continues on with Coach and goes face to face with Kennedy. It’s brief. They babble to fade to black.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:34
“Mr. Bean is McMahon’s son.” – Insyder SychoJason
Hey, it’s TWGTT!
“YO YO YO! Crryyyyy…” – Me
Cody Rhodes!
“..nevermind!” – Me
“He’s so small.” – Dani
“Cody looks like Bananaman” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“GOD DAMMIT, don’t tell me they’re going to job Shelton out to Erik Watts 2.0” – Insyder Khali Sucks
SHELTY vs. CODY RHODES
Two surprise wins!
Armdrags from Cody. Dropkick thrown, but Shelty holds the ropes. Belly to back suplex for two from Shelt.
Cody pulls Shelt legs out, and Shelt rolls it over. Ending in a knee in the back. Then Shelt throws him to the ropes and elbows him in the back a few times. Third time, Cody throws the elbow himself. Shelt tries to throw him in the corner, but he reverses it. Shouldercheck. Dropkick or two. Hits the ropes and kick to the gut. Bulldog from Cody for two!
Dusty fists now. Shelt stops it with the Shelty-Backbreaker. Now Shelty tries to throw a boston crab or Walls… but Cody rolls underneath for the pin!
WINNER: CODY RHODES
“Way to have a tag team feud with 1 guy. Go tag division” – Insyder Soak1313
So immediately Haas runs in and the doubleteam begins! They hit their leapfrog drop and Cody’s left in the ring in pain.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:43
Cade & Murdoch are here!
“Yo yo yo?” – Me
“Murdoch used to be a handsome lad, then JR had his way with him. No Trevor’s face is stuck like that, all because of a little taste of Oklahoma.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
We get a flash to last week where Cryme Tyme sold Lillian’s seat. Oh, and they also got a DQ against Cade & Murdoch.
No! IT’S THE HOOLIGANZ!
“Team Rocket on RAW?” – Insyder McLovin
“You think Lillian had to go to some kind of counciling to be able to be in the ring when guys are sliding in?” – Insyder Soak1313
CADE & MURDOCH vs. THE HOOLIGANZ
Z’s make things edgy…
Side headlock from Kendrick, pushes Cade into the corner and it’s pushed back out. Kendrick and Cade have a leapfrom drop down combo and a dropkick from Kendrick! Cade then shoulders him out, elbows.. then HUGE hiptosses from Kendrick. Tag to London.
“So why are they the Hooliganz and not the Djinn?” – Dani
Double forearm from them to drop Cade for the one. Cade hits a knee and a tag to Murdoch. Murdoch walks into a hiptos from Murdoch. London leaps out over the ropes and shoulderdrops Murdoch who kmakes the tag to Cade who comes in and one clubbing arm drops Paul.
Cade pushjes London into the corner. Throws London to the corner and charges in to eat an elbow. Ducks a clothesline. Springboard crossbody. They duck Murdoch who comes in. They clothesline Cade over the top. SUICIDE BOMB!
Cryme Tyme has run out!!! They have stolen Murdoch’s hat and are selling it while Cade is beating on London in the ring. Tag to Kendrick. CRUCIFIX FOR THE PIN! KENDRICK TAKES IT!
WINNER: LONDON & KENDRICK!
On the outside, Cryme Tyme sells Murdoch’s hat for two dollars.
“Greatest bit ever.” – Dani
“I think they are more annoying then Master P and his Hooty hoo or whatever the hell it was.” – Insyder McLovin
A Rabble Aside: Occasionally, we the Rabble differ in opinions to those on the forums, such as the merit of Cryme Tyme. We like em… the forumers seem to not dig on it as much. Either way, we agree that this match was interrupted unnecessarily.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:54
Maria and Ron Simmons Date time. They are at a Sports Bar… Maria in a slinky pink cocktail dress.
“I love that Ron goes to dinner in a nice place with a Tshirt with a curse word on it, and his wrists taped.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“The APA must always be ready for a fight” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Ron orders…
Chowder – CLAM
Meat – LAMB
Bread – w. JAM
And there is Santino with Jillian Hall.. whom he refers to as Lillian. Santino invites himself to the table. Ron then gets a vegetable… YAM.
Teehee.
Book’s out so is Dani’s pinky.
“The reason they had to cut away from the restaurant is they needed Mario to fix the plumbing in the men’s room.” – Insyder bluelobster
Sharmel introduces the King of the WWE, and the man who will be defeating Triple H at Summerslam.
“No he won’t.” – Dani
Book explains that last week Jerome Lawler didn’t crown Bookah. Jerome went as far as to stomp on the crown. Jerome then named Triple H as Book’s opponent at the Summer Slam Games.
Jerry’s apparently at home recuperating.
So now they wait for the entrance of Triple H….. we wait.
“Did they forget about Carlito’s Cabana?” – Hernandez
“..maybe.” – Me
The music starts! THE KING OF KINGS…….
“And, cue the midget” – Insyder Khali Sucks
Here comes SOMEONE in a big nose and purple robes. So it’s just some jobber, but he’s wearing Conan shorts.
“Jason Sensation?” – Hernandez
“Rehab hasn’t been good to HHH. He’s got a farmer’s tan now.” – Insyer SychoJason
Book explains that Triple H is not a coward anymore, but now he has to state that he isn’t a King by putting the crown on King Booker. The jobber plants the crown then kneels in fealty.
“Cue the Titantron in 3…” – Me
Book then explains to the fake Trips that he will make him bow down at Summerslam.
“He already DID bow down.” – Bill
Now as the fake Hunter leaves, Book has one other thing to deal with, he goes to JR and Tazz’s table. He tells ‘Tazzwell’ to leave and talks directly to ‘James Ross’. He makes a point of how JR called Book ‘repugnant’… Book slips a bit back into OLD Book for a moment. Book wants JR to kiss his ring.
JR stands, takes off his glasses. He says no.
“To be ready to be slapped.” – Me
Booker explains, in full Booker speak, ‘Lemme splain….’ and such. Sharmel pushes JR into the ring and he spits. Book pushes him into the chair. I love Book as a heel.
Later, Snitsky Cena. You can smell the enthusiasm.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:08
As you can see the commenting is light tonight.. Insyder Khali Sucks covers it quite well with this:
“Good Lord, this show sucks”
Tazz explains that if Booker hadn’t asked him to move, he would have had JR’s back…
Anyway, at the resturant, Jillian sings. A random guy asks Santino to sign his program. It’s actually a fairly funny bit. Go Youtube it.
“He’s got spaghetti and meatballs.” – Bill
Ron is not enjoying the date.
“I like that by the end of the month he’ll have run out of words for ‘Damn'” – Dani
Now Carlito invites Umaga into the ring.
“Think he’ll hit him in the head with a coconut?” – Dani
So Umaga is confused about the ring dressings while Carlito continues to praise Umaga. He wants an IC match at Summerslam.
Umaga looks up as Carlito says his name.
“So what do you say big guy?” – Carlito
“KENNNNNNNNNNEDDDYYYYYY!” – Kennedy
“So Umaga’s a pokemon too?” – Dani
So Kennedy asks Carlito if he has any idea who he is talking to. Umaga is a two time IC Champion and deserves respect. Kennedy has done something that Umaga can’t do and that was beat Bobby Lashley.
So he feels that he deserves the championship match at Summerslam. Kennedy says his name once.. and at the second time, eats a snapkick from Umaga who then goes out to destroy the set.
“UMAGA HATE HAMMOCK!” – Bill
“So wait, shouldn’t Umaga feel home there?” – Dani
“No, that’s the carribean..” – Hernandez
“So wait, where are Samoans from…” – Dani
“Samoa.” – Everyone
Regal at the top of the key, Carlito and Kennedy for the IC Championship match.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:23
So we’re back with the match goign on!
CARLITO vs. KENNEDY
For Umanga’s Title Match
Carlito throws Kennedy out, he lands on his feet and charges back in to drop Carlito and beat the snot out of him. Carlito bails.
They run after each other for a bit, and as Kennedy charges in, Carlito drops the elbow but misses. Kennedy goes to choke him on the top rope, but blocked.
Carlito chops Carlito in the corner, back elbow and a pin for two. Chinlock from Carlito and elbows to Kennedy’s head. As Kennedy rolls out of it, it moves to a front facelock. Throws Kennedy to the ropes. Reversed. Back bodydrop for two.
Kennedy now kicks Carlito into the corner and a bunch of right hands. Elbow to his face and tosses Carlito to the corner to throw the back elbow. Roll up for two. Carlito now clubbing Kennedy on the outside apron. They fight for the supex. Kennedy can’t get him over, but Carlito finally hits it bringing him back into the ring with a pin for two.
Punches back and forth now betwen the two. Slam from Carlito and he heads to the top for an elbow and MISSES. Kennedy gets two. Rollover and Carlito gets one.
Back on their feet, Kennedy hits the right hands again. Throws Carlito to the ropes and misses a clothesline, but DOES hit his own back elbow for two. Throws Carlito o the ropes again, drops down and eats the kick in the gut. Now Carlito on top with big fists on his back. Throws Kennedy to the ropes, reversed… Carlito hits the second rope for the leaping back elbow and MISSES. Kennedy throws him headfirst into the ringpost.
Carlito on the outside and Kennedy follows him. Carlito left on the stairs and a kick to the gut sends us to commercial.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:33
Back with Kennedy having armlocked Carlito. Slams Carlito into the corner. Sends him corner to corner. Boot to Carlito’s throat for a three count. Back on their feet, Carlito hits the chop, but gets thrown back into the corner for it. He stomps Carlito down and chokes the hell out of him.
So I miss a bit of the match as we’re discussing left-handedness… I didn’t miss much, it’s a touch of a boring match, even though I loke both guys. It’s just, as Hernandez puts it, plodding along.
Anyway, Kennedy has Carlito on the top rope, locked up for the Kennedy Roller. Carlito fights out of it and sets up with a superplex and HITS IT! Carlito locks him up with a pin, Kennedy locks legs so both sets of shoulders are down.
WINNERS: DRAW!
“Pointless.” – Hernandez
“..three way?” – Dani
So Regal gets up there and makes it a threeway. Duh.
“Twenty minute set-up for…….. that, what they could have set up at the Cabana.” – Me
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
At the resturant, Santino explains that if Ron Simmons ever lays his hands on him again, he’ll hurt him. So Ron dumps a tray of food on Santino for the ending… Damn.
“Not as good as the last two weeks.” – Dani
“Whole show’s been kinda boring.” – Me
So we are at 10:50 with one commercial break and a final match. What a boring damn Raw. Not even fun commedy crap to talk about. Just crappity crap.
In the back, Melina talking to Vince. Vince discusses how she mentioned that she was going to sue the pants off him if she was his daughter. blah blah blah.
“Also, why was Vince attmepting to proposition his son Melina? That’s really sick” – Insyder Sarcastic Wolf
So anyway, he shows her the WWE magazine with her and a supersoaker.
“Her penis?” – Me
Anyway, Snitsky shows up and says he never knew his parents…
“DAMN!” – Me
All he knew was pain. He then calls Vince dad. La la la.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:51
“They are going out of there way to make him look ugly now.” – Hernandez
“Yes, that much ugly doesn’t happen naturally.” – Me
“I’m just waiting for the “sneak peek” of Halloween at this point. (There couldn’t be a better opening for a Snitsky joke than that) ” – Insyder SychoJason
SNITSKY vs. CENA
Let’s make Snitsky lose!
“So this has to end in a DQ…” – Me
The bell rings.
“Are we done yet?” – Dani
Lock up and Snitsky drives Cena to a knee. Cena fights up and eats a knee in the gut.
“Snitsky’s head is perphectly spherical.” – Me
“It’s an optical illusion” – Hernandez
Cena hits the forearm and the bulldog for two.
“Is it done yet?” – Dani
Cena hits the ropes, eats a boot. Snitsky drags him into the center. Elbow drops. Now big fists throws Cena to the corner.
“Is it done yet?” – Dani
Cena fights back only long eough to eat a huge ‘smashmouth’ clothesline. Cena on the outside with them glazed eyes.
“Is it done yet?” – Dani
Snitsky drags him in. Slams.
“Am I supposed to care yet?” – Dani
Cena fights out again. Back elbow, and a front underhook headlock. Cena fights out of it…. and is clotheslined.
“LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME” – Me
Throws Cena to the corner hard.
“Can we go home please?” – Dani
Snitsky sizes up Snitsky, he throws a boot and MISSES. Cena charges in to clip the leg and heads up to the top turnbuckle. Whiffingly misses the legdrop, but covers it up well enough. Picks up Snitsky… FU set up and Snitsky fights out of it only to walk into the RKO.
Hey! DQ!
WINNER: CENA via DQ!
A little more happens with Randy being evil and Cena being knocked out. Nobody cares though.
Ok – so yeah – let’s see what the forumers thought in the end…
Soak1313 – “Regal couldn’t even have saved this week”
SychoJason – “After a few semi-ok weeks Raw wasn’t that good this week.”
A Faceless Name – “A decent Raw bookended with shitty.”
Darkstar – “Needed more moonsaults.”
BBrianBlair2 – “Definitely needed more Sandman.”
SarcasticWolf – “You know, they really ought to scrap their current booking plan, and just give us two hours of King Booker, Regal, Maria, Mario, and Ron Simmons. Otherwise, I found this episode obtuse and sluggish.”
So what did we think of Raw?
“My salad was more exciting than this.” – Dani
“For the first time… I should have stayed home.” – Hernandez
“The show was so bad, I organied 4,000 iPod songs, but it might have killed Ron Simmons for me.” – Jeffrey
Bill… went home a half hour ago.
We’ll see at RabbleSlam kids.
