Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
When someone says “Today was a good day”, and you feel tempted to follow up with, “And you didn’t even have to use your AK”, be sure that the other party isn’t from South Africa. That line sometimes seems to hit a little too close to home.
—Ryan B.
Oops.
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
UNCLE KRACKER, best known as KID ROCK‘s former DJ who later became a terrible country singer, was arrested early Friday morning after allegedly committing a lewd sexual act against a female patron at the Ess Lounge in downtown Raleigh, N.C., where he had been slated to perform Thursday night. While Kracker (né Matthew Shafer) had left the club by the time the complaint was filed with local police, they were later able to obtain a warrant and arrest him at a nearby hotel, on charges of second-degree forcible sexual offense. He was released shortly thereafter after posting a discounted bond of $75,000. While the exact act committed by the singer was unspecified, being a second-degree forcible sexual offense, it could be anything from sexual assault with a foreign object to forcible fondling to even singing a terrible rendition of DOBIE GRAY‘s “Drift Away” into the woman’s unsuspecting vagina. That’s one sick individual.
Astronomically overrated rapper LIL WAYNE has pushed back the release date of his upcoming album, The Carter III, after discovering that it was leaked online after a copy was stolen out of his vehicle. While it was originally to be released this fall, Weezy has decided to re-record some of the album (as well as add and omit other parts) and now plans to release it early next year. He told reporters that he thinks that a valet had stolen it after hearing it while parking his car, adding, “Never let another dude park your car when your CD’s in the stereo.” As for the valet who stole and leaked the album, your check’s in the mail.
DANNII MINOGUE (a.k.a. The Larger-Breasted Version of KYLIE MINOGUE) has told reporters that she felt humiliated when she found out that pictures of her enjoying a lap-dance at a London strip club had been printed in London’s News of the World early last year, claiming that she was “set up” by people looking to stir up some controversy. She added that she had a hard time relaxing in public after the incident, telling the British edition of Cosmopolitan, “When the lap-dancer story came out in the tabloids, the first thing I thought was, ‘I don’t want my grandparents to see this.’ … I was totally set up, but it woke me up to the fact that there are some creepy, nasty people out there willing to do anything take advantage of someone famous. I now keep my guard up because I’ve realized not everyone has my best interests at heart.” In the interest of journalistic integrity, The SMonday Swindle Sheet has procured the EXCLUSIVE images of Minogue in the back room of the club with a supply-endowed dancer ( 1 :: 2 :: 3 ).
AGAINST ME! singer Tom Gabel was arrested for battery on Monday night while drinking at the Saints Cafe in Tallahassee, Fla., after he slammed another man’s head into the countertop of the bar. The two had been involved in an argument after Gabel tore down an article on the band that had been defaced with obscenities and probably pictures of cocks and the usual fare, and Gabel reportedly was not too happy with what the man had to say. Police were called and Gabel was arrested, though he posted a scant $500 bail and was released after being charged with simple battery. In other Against Me!-related news, Rolling Stone has posted a blurb to its Web site, referring to the band as a “breaking artist,” despite the fact that they’ve been around for ten years. You’ll never see that kind of shoddy journalism here at MachineGunFunk.com, though you will see some more photos of Danii Minogue getting a lap-dance from a stripper, right here, in the interest of journalistic integrity ( 1 :: 2 :: 3 ).
After having just receiving probation in June after throwing a container of hair product at a beauty shop employee earlier in the year, rapper FOXY BROWN has once again displayed her explosive temper, this time throwing her BlackBerry mobile phone at a neighbor. This was the latest in a string of violent incidents that started back in 2004, when the rapper (née Inga Merchand, who recently parted ways Def Jam Records) assaulted a manicurist over a payment dispute, and according to a spokesperson for the New York Department of Probation, they are seeking to have the probation revoked. Arlene Raymond, who lives in the same Brooklyn neighborhood as Brown, had gotten into an altercation last month with Brown over her car stereo, after Raymond asked her to turn it down and she refused. In a complaint filed with local police just a few days later, Raymond claims that while she passed Brown as the two walked down on the street, Brown viciously threw her cell phone at her face, causing a laceration on her lip and one of her teeth to be knocked loose. Brown then climbed a nearby telephone poll and performed an Asai Moonsault off of one of the telephone cables. OK, maybe a made part of that up, but I just had to end the story with some SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT. Hey, if Jones Soda Co. came out with an açaà berry-flavored beverage, they should call it Açaà Moonsault.
In a recent interview with Blender magazine, MÖTLEY CRÃœE bassist Nikki Sixx told a reporter that he took a fan backstage and punched him after the fan threw a plastic water bottle filled with urine at singer VINCE NEIL whlie the band was performing at a stop on their 2005 tour. He had been asked by the magazine when the last time was that he had punched someone, to which he replied, “[S]omebody threw a bottle of piss and it hit Vince in the head. And I asked the audience to find him and bring him backstage. … He was brought back, and I told the security guys to leave us alone. I had a word or two with him. And, yeah… he apologized.” While this isn’t the first time that Nikki Sixx has done something questionable during a concert (in 1997 he incited a racially-charged attack on a black security guard at Greenboro Coliseum, something that is deplorable for several reasons), I’d have to side with him this time, since I have a vehement hatred for people who throw shit and do other idiotic things that disrupt concerts. If you’re going to act like an ass, stay home. And if you insist on disrupting a concert, at least do something like throwing yourself off of a balcony.
A New Jersey contractor has dropped a lawsuit against THE RETARDED DMX amid fears for the safety of his family and himself. Joel Tobia, who had fixed a severe leak at the rapper’s home in Saddle River, N.J., earlier in the year, had been seeking the balance of a $13,000 bill, of which had only received $5,000. However, in a not-so-cryptic testimony at Hackensack Municipal Court, Tobia told the judge that he was “extremely uncomfortable going forward with this case”, and that several friends and family members had brought it to his attention that The Retarded DMX is close friends with Irv Gotti, who is friends with convicted New York drug lord Kenneth “Supreme” McGriff, and many other shady characters. “People are asking me, ‘Do you know what you are doing?'” Tobia said. “I have two children. I am concerned. I hope you are reading between the lines. I have smacked a puppy in the face before, and while Ja Rule does look like a puppy that got smacked in the face, the puppy that I previously had smacked in the face did not know anyone that would be willing to cap my ass while I’m out mowing the lawn.” Well, he does have a point.
After challenging KANYE WEST to a record sell-off on when both of their albums drop on Sept. 11, and saying that he’d retire from his solo career if West beats him, 50 CENT has reneged his offer, perhaps after coming to the realization that Kanye might actually beat him. However, while he probably realized that he seemed a little hasty in proclaiming himself the Greatest Rapper To Ever Release An Album This September, he’s instead proved that he is, indeed, a big giant talking vagina, by saying that the “contest” isn’t fair because Kanye West isn’t even in the same league as he is. “Look at how you’re talking to me, like Kanye West is my equal right now,” the puffin puffed to MTV.com. “That’s like me putting myself against MICHAEL JACKSON‘s [album release] date and then acting like, ‘Woah, it’s a battle between 50 Cent and Michael Jackson!’, when Thriller sold 30 million records and 50 Cent’s biggest album sold 12 [million records]. You feel what I’m saying? Don’t get lost in the hype. I got the right records, so we’re gonna sit here and I’ll see you next time. Maybe next time they can send me off to the pastures. But right now, I’m gonna stick around and sell this record—and I will be number one on September 11.” Will someone please shoot this guy already so that we can be done with him? CAM’RON, perhaps? I promise I won’t snitch on you.
Tom Araya, frontman and founding member of thrash metal pioneers SLAYER recently hinted during an interview that the group might be getting ready to disband after their next album. “Well, there have been remarks made about seeing an old man headbang, and I have to agree,” the 46-year-old singer said. “It’s actually pretty strenuous. That’s why I don’t see it going any further than a certain point in time. … We have one more record to do, which is our deal with Rick Rubin, and [then] we’ll have to sit down and discuss the future. But I can’t really see myself doing this at a later age.” Bullshit.
As part of a plea bargain for recent drug possession charges, rapper METHOD MAN will be visiting 15 high schools in the New York metropolitan area to give motivational speeches on the dangers of drugs, and how you should really try your best not to get caught with them.
NICOLE SCHERZINGER, who is essentially the PUSSYCAT DOLLS‘ version of BEYONCÉ (sans the halitosis), has reportedly broken off her ongoing relationship with Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero, in order to focus on promoting her upcoming solo album, Her Name Is Nicole, which is slated for an October release. She told German magazine Yam (no relation to Eric S.’s ongoing feature of the same name), “We’re not together anymore. I’m totally focused on my career at the moment and I have to make sacrifices.” Of course, in the meantime, this writer can only hope that “my career at the moment” is code for “trying to track down Jeff Fernandez and getting him to make sweet love to me, much to the dismay of my fellow Pussycat Dolls singers, and especially to the dismay of The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Sack of Shit”.
News Headline: In a surprise move, Fed cuts discount rate
News Headline: In a surprise move, Fed cuts key rate
News Headline: In a surprise move, Fed cuts off 50 Cent’s ears, replacing them with ping-pong paddles
OK, OK… you got me.
Pop-punk band NEW FOUND GLORY were involved in a drug bust earlier this month when Indiana state police raid their tour bus while they were performing in Indianapolis, finding a cache of marijuana and mushrooms. The band’s roadie was thought by authorities to be the main perpetrator, and was arrested, while the members of the band were free to go. I think I speak for everyone out there when I say that I am shocked and appalled that New Found Glory is still around.
Two people died of drug overdoses at the New Jersey leg of Ozzfest last Thursday night, but unfortunately they were neither Jack nor Kelly Osbourne.
Country singer KENNY CHESNEY worked out with the New Orleans Saints on Friday, as he is friends with head coach Sean Payton, and both Chesney and team were in Cincinnati (Chesney for a concert, and the team to play the Bengals). While he doesn’t plan on joining the team, Chesney and Payton agreed that it might be a good morale boost for the team, and as Chesney told reporters, “Turns out a lot of the guys on the team were fans, and Sean said they really wanted to do it.” Asked early on Friday by The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, if he was worried that he might get hurt, he said, “Hey, Scott Fujita could fold me in half with a tackle and it still wouldn’t be as bad as having to perform a duet with Uncle Kracker.”
After growing weary of becoming a favorite target by paparazzi (especially since a recent incident in which her U.S. visa was revoked) while out partying at all hours of the night, singer LILY ALLEN had her friends wrap her up in a giant shopping bag and carry her out of London’s Punk nightclub this past week. They carried Allen off to a nearby building where a car was waiting, and shortly drove off. Of course, the plan backfired because it resulted in photographers snapping extra pictures to document the strange spectacle, though Lily Allen later told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that she was just glad that there would be no photographic proof that she had fallen victim to the dreaded Dirty Sanchez just before leaving the nightclub. You heard it here first.
Cheers
-JF2k7!
