THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE SUMMER
IF BY BIG PARTY YOU MEAN
GOOD WRESTLING AND
NO SURPRISES…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome to the Rabble! The wrestling review that talks to the show you probably talk to anyway. We are here at a bar in the middle of New Jersey with all the standard miscreants. I give to you:
JEFFREY – He who poureth the beer.
BILL – He who drinketh the Jack.
HERNANDEZ – He who one would assumeth orders cervesa.
MIKE – He who is more likely to orderth cervesa.
DANI – She who bringeth her own flavored seltzer.
And Me – Who is happy with a birch beer at the moment…eth.
Also lets not forget the rulers of the forum, the Insyders!
“Cena’s 19 days from holding the belt for a year…how soon till we get a Montreal Screw Drob?” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“Not soon enough I’m sure.” – Insyder SychoJason
Tonight the show is on the Sci-Fi Network.. Ooooo…
“RAW IS…Scientific Fiction!” – Insyder Captain Q
“Double feature?” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
So last night, no titles changed hands and Trips and Rey won their matches. All in all, a fairly good wrestling show, but a fairly bad ‘event’ show. I accept it for what it is, but let’s see what goes on tonight on Raw.
Trips – Vince on The Cabana – and Cena Orton rematch.
So we’re starting the show with Randy Orton. The crowd is booing the heck out of him. He explains that he spent the entire day in church because he is sure he witnessed a miracle.
“That’s called creative control.” – Hernandez
“While I was on my knees…” – Orton
“Ummm…” – Me
“..I had an epiphany!” – Orton
“Oh.” – Me
“I’m not a circus seal!” – Hernandez
Orton explains that Cena should be on his knees.
“Oh he is already.” – Me
“Taking care of Vince.” – Hernandez
Next time Cena won’t be so lucky.
“HE’LL BE DEAD!” – Me
So Orton wants his rematch… which we already knew about. Orton then calls out Cena. So here comes Cena and as a note, they are in Boston, Cena’s hometown. He goes and hugs his Dad… awww….
“Wait, maybe HE’S Vince’s son…” – Me
Sign of the moment: EVEN BOSTON HATES CENA!
“The only way I’d ever like Cena is if he came out in a radiation suit right now and stepped up to Orton and went: “My name is Darth Vader…I am an extraterrestrial from the planet VULCAN!”” – Insyder Captain Q
“And then comes down with parkinson’s.” – Insyder Crippie
“I’d say Orton’s brains are already melted though, so what can he be threatened with?” – Insyder DarkStar
Cena continues to mock on Orton, explaining that he failed to get the job done. Cena even has a statement for Orton.
“umm… the champ is here?” – Me
“No, it’s ‘Fuck you, I’m out!'” – Hernandez
Cena explains that since Orton lost, he might have to move out of the way for other people to fight! Maybe the someone who returned last night.
“Rey?” – Me
So Cena mentions himself vs. Triple H, so cue William Regal who exclaims that we will not be seeing Cena versus Triple ‘Haitch’ or Randy Orton… he will be facing King Bookah!
“That was very nice to give him a pretend shot.” – Dani
“The King Booker royal jobbing tour kicks into overdrive!” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
Book comes out pinky ablaze. Randy tries to hit the RKO out of nowhere while Book was standing at the top, but Cena pushes his way out of it and Orton bails all pissed off.
“The champ SELLS FOR NOBODYYYYYYY!” – Me
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:14
Heyyyy, it’s KENNEDY! He slips on his way in, and explains first that ‘He meant to do that!’ then he introduces himself!
“He said it with such authority, I believed him!” – Bill
Versus… Jeff Hardy!
“He’s back?” – Me
“I need another good look at your boots.” – Hernandez
Now the Insyders on Jeff’s new shorter haircut….
“With Jeff’s shorter hair he won’t miss spots no more.” – Insyder Crippie
“And by shorter hair, you mean stint in rehab, right?” – Insyder El Australiano
“Yeah, rehabbing his injuries. wrestlers don’t use drugs.” – Insyder Crippie
“Jeff lost the rest of his hair in a meth cooking accident” – Insyder Soak1313
“Dorothy Hamill says “Don’t steal my gimmick, douchebag!”” – Insyder Hardygrrl
“I would mark out for Dorothy Hamill actually saying douchebag!” – Insyder Captain Q
MR. KENNEDY vs. JEFF HARDY
The rematch we were waiting for……. teehee
Lock up to start, and a side headlock from Kennedy. Jeff fights out of it and reverses the lock, but Kennedy pushes him to the corner to break the hold.
Seems Jeff took his time off to tone up, he’s looking solid. They fight to the corner and they get into a slapfight.
“What kind of match is this?” – Hernandez
“A bitch fight.” – Me
Back to their feet, Kennedy clubs him and punches him into the corner. Throws him to the counter corner, Kennedy charges and Jeff leaps out, but Jeff steps to the side and pulls him down!
“Wow, I DO have nice boots.” – Hernandez
They lock up again, Kennedy throws some knees and a few big clubs to Hardy’s head and neck. Punches and kicks him to the corner, and Hardy fights back. Jeff now brings him to the corner and stomps Kennedy down..
Jeff rolls to the ropes and waits for a moment, Kennedy charges and Jeff drops the rope and Kennedy lands on the apron! Jeff dropkicks his leg and Kennedy falls to the outside.. Jeff hits the ropes and the suicide dive! Both men are out on the outside which meannnnnsssss….
“When did Jeff Hardy learn to wrestle well?!” – Dani
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:23
Back and Kennedy has Hardy in a bodyscissors and just donkey punching the hell out of Jeff. Jeff elbows his way out of it. Back on their feet they are kicking the hell out of each other..
“I don’t think they really like each other, or one owes the other money or scooby snacks.” – Hernandez
Kennedy throws Hardy to the corner and slides out to wrap his body around the corner. Jeff loops his arm on the rope and Kennedy charges into kick him down a bit. Goes for a pin and gets two.
Kennedy stomps his head, picks up Jeff and hits a few kicks – hits the ropes and eats a boot for two. Picks up Jeff again, and puts him in the abdominal stretch (using the rope for leverage of course!). Jeff fights out of it before the ref can catch him, but Kennedy grabs him and slams him into the corner for the tree of woe.
“It’s the Tree of Joey Lawrence!” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Kennedy leaps up onto the top and Jeff elbows his way out of it, and finally Kennedy falls… Jeff hits the whisper in the wind! Both are down. Kennedy goes for a punch, but Jeff side steps it and hits the side russian leg sweep, drops his legs for a pin for two.
Jeff now on top and hurls Kennedy into the corner and hits the arcing dropkick. Climbs to the top! Swanton! KENNEDY’S KNEES ARE UP! FUCK THAT HURT!
Kennedy pins him for a shocked two as Umanga heads on in!?! Umaga gets in the ring and picks up Jeff Hardy as Kennedy bails. Umaga and Kennedy yell to each other and out of nowhere Umaga hits the superkick on Hardy!
“So is he a heel again?” – Bill
“Tweener” – Hernandez and me at the same time.
“The mating dance of the Samoan Bulldozer can be very damaging for its prospective mates. One should avoid loud or bright colors, particularly when such colors are moving, as they taunt the Samoan Bulldozer like a bull.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
He hits Jeff with the buttbounce and shows Jeff’s dead face the belt.
“SHIIINNNYYYYYY!” – Hernandez
“They’re taking… my nameplate….” – Bill
WINNER: ….
“So is Umanga back heel now since Hardy has returned and the original Hardy/Umanga feud is going to happen? BACKSTAGE CONTINUITY!” – Insyder Captain Q
We end with Umaga seething at the camera.
“POooorrrkkkchoppppsss applllleesaaucceeeee…” – Me
“And finally, Jeff gets to rest.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:35
We get the inevitable Summerslam flashbacks… specifically Triple Haitch.
“I am really sick of hearing f*cking Lemmy. That guy sounds like he’s been smoking more fags than Pat Patterson.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
In the back, Vince and Coach discuss what Vince’s big announcement is going to be. They are stopped by Kennedy and Kennedy wishes him a happy birthday and Vince mentions ‘You recognize my middle name is Kennedy’ …doncha? Kennedy of course does recognize this and Kennedy struts away, and then Vince makes fun of his walk..
“OOOoooo A CLUE!” – Hernandez
“Are they being TOO obvious with the Kennedy/McMahon thing to have it actually happen?” – Insyder Captain Q
Now though, Carlito’s Cabana!
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:43
So we’re back and Carlito’s in the ring. He wastes no time introing McMahon. There he struts.
Vince is happy to be here at Carlito Cabana, and Carlito wishes Vince a happy belated birthday. He discusses how he is the young age of ’50’
“Is Vince trying to tell us that the character hasn’t aged?” – Hernandez
Vince explains that he can’t be intimidated by anyone. So he’s going to sue the woman who bore his bastard son if she doesn’t reveal it to him within two weeks.
So Carlito starts explaining how we ALL answer to Mr. McMahon… EVERYONE… oh… here comes Triple Haitch.
“Wait, so Trips is the mother of Vince’s son?” – Me
“……wait…. this isn’t the bathroom.” – Hernandez
“And the bastard child of reality has just arrived!” – Insyder Captain Q
“Trips has quite the rack going.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
“Instead of the juice, Trips apparently spent his rehab beholding the power of cheese.” – Insyder Hardygrrl
And here comes wearing a new shirt!
“It’s all about the swag, and how ya sell it!” – Bill
He gets on down to the ring. The crowd cheers. Vince tells them to shut up. Then he wants to know what Trips wants…
So Trips asks if THIS is the reception he gets. He understands Vince is celebrating his 75th birthday and is wondering if it’s time to change his bedpan. Trips had plenty of time to do research.
“And he’s got a nose like a bloodhound” – Bill
He apparently found all these women who could be the mother of the bastard son. He has the final four here tonight.
“Miss Elizabeth…. Sensational Sherri… Woman…” – Hernandez
Trips now introduces the woman he slept with during Wrestlemania 3 who he thought was Aretha Franklin.
“It’s Big Viscera’s Mom!?” – Bill
The next woman Vince apparently ‘missed the target’ so here’s One-eyed Wendy.
The next one is Carlito’s Sister! A chick with huge teased hair comes out eating an apple. Vince apologizes of course to Carlito as he swears in spanish. Trips explains that EVERYONE has been with Carlito’s sister… and hey, she’s not spitting!
Finally, he believes this one is the mother of his bastard son. So he knew her has Francis… everyone else calls her ‘Frank’.
“Hey, is that Brian Gerwitz?” – Hernandez
“I think it’s Buddy Rose’s Mom…” – Me
“Wheres Judy Bagwell?” – Insyder Razor Mike
“On a pole!” – Insyder Captain Q
So Trips asks them all if they had relations. They all raise their hands. Then if anyone of them had a child with Vince McMahon… three raise their hand. Finally, if any of them have a penis….. the last one raises his hand.
Vince gets mad at Trips, but Trips explains that the rest of the world already knows about his OTHER problem.
What problem? Well it seems Vince is running illegal rooster fighting ring. This all ends with Vince saying ‘I Love Cock’ and the crowd cheers for Frank again.
“Ok, go out to the back… get in the limo again…” – Hernandez
“Vince LOVES animals…after all, he married the Chicken Lady.” – Insyder Hardygrrl
Vince as he’s about to leave the ring says, “I wish you never came back. I hate you.” His delivery is golden.
“Dad, come back, I was only joking” – Insyder Khali Sucks
Trips turns around and there is Carlito yelling at him. He threatens to screw up his bad quads for the next 8 months. Trips then says that not only does he spit apple.. he’s sucked a couple of grapefruits.
Of course, this is where Carlito spits apple all over him and A perfect timed moment annnnnd Trips decks him. Hits the spinebuster.
“OWWWWWWWWWW!” – Hernandez
He throws the ‘Suck It’ – then it’s Kick, Wham, Pedigree… it’s been awhile, eh?
“At this rate triple h will be out of heels to “jerichoize” by next month” – Insyder Black Scorpion
“…And then he gets the title” – Insyder Razor Mike
He then amusingly sits down and enjoys a fruity pineapple drink. Hunter is looking naturally ripped now.
“He looks…. very NORSE.” – Hernandez
“Verily.” – Me
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:05
So we’re back…. and Shelton has blonde hair?!
“Did Shelton lose a bet or something?” – Insyder Khali Sucks
“Shelton is the new Kerwin White…errr Black!” – Insyder Captain Q
“Shelton looks like either Dennis Rodman or one of Madonna’s backup dancers.” – Insyder hardygrrl
“Shelton Benjamin = Koko B Ware, minus Frankie, plus talent?” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
…and Davairi is there?! Strange.
Here comes Cody, and it’s not getting more normal.
“Cryme Tyme?” – Hernandez
THE HOOLIGANZ!
“Even better!” – Hernandez
THE WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM & DAVAIRI vs. HOOLIGANZ & CODY
Davairi and Kendrick starting with a hammerlock set up and Davari gets a bodyslam, misses an elbow and an armdrag from London with a tag to Kendrick. Double japanese armdrags with a pin for one.
Kendrick locks up Davairi, but he hits the rope, there is a leapfrog spot and Davairi hits an elbow. He leg locks him and tags in Haas who immediately THROWS Kendrick with a belly to belly for two.
Drags him to the corner and a tag to Shelty who kicks Kendrick, sets him up for a suplex and hits it. Pin for two as he picks him up and drags him to the corner for a tag to Davari.
“Is that Wesley Snipes? Murder Death Kill.” – Bill
“Illuminate!” – Me
Davairi and Kendrick lock up now Davairi keeps him down and as they get up, tries to hit a cloithesline he ducks it and a flying tag to Cody!
Cody comes in on fire and a powerslam with a roll-up for two as Shelty and Haas charge in and they eat the double dropkick from the Hooliganz! Then suicide dives!
Inside the ring, Cody hits the flying crossbody off the top for the win!
WINNER: CODY RHODES
Fast match.. no time to talk! Geez….
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:15
In the ring, Davairi is still there and he’s bibbling in his native tongue. He is of course stopped by… YO YO YO! CRYME TYME!
“I’m not going to understand a WORD of this segment.” – Bill
JTG gets in the ring yelling ‘Yo – what are you saying?’ Shad gets in there and explains all he knows is that ‘Money money, yeah yeah’ they grab his headpiece and Shad slugs him one.
“DONKEY PUNCH!” – Hernandez
They begin to sell it as we get interrupted by Cade & Murdoch who get in the ring and start calling out Cryme Tyme. Cryme Tyme heads up into the ring then pauses… grabs Cade’s cowboy hat and bail through the crowd!
“Them coloreds took mah cowboy hat!” – Insyder Captain Q
Shad explains that normally they would sell it.. but they’re just going to give it away and toss it into the crowd. Yep, the Rabble likes Cryme Tyme. Hell, Dani’s even dancing.
In the back though, Coach explains that Trips needs to be punished. This is stopped as Randy charges in the room. He wants his rematch with Cena and Vince can make it happen.
“He neeeds it.” – Dani
“And needing something is an adult responsibility.” – Me
Vince explains that he has to deserve a title shot. Vince tells him to SHOW him he needs and deserves it. Until then, no.
“I’ll show you! I’ll show you all!” – Bill
In the back……. Maria… getting ready looking hot and pissed! Mother f*cker, screen capturers… BRING ME THAT!
“I’d like to believe that Ron Simmons is teaching her moves.” – Dani
“..huh.. moves..” – Hernandez
“She does not even have paint brush. She does not even know how to draw.” – Me
She’s facing Beth Phoenix after the break.
“Poor Maria is gonna lose to Beth Phoenix.” – Insyder Crippie
“No fair, you read ahead. Way to spoil it for us.” – Insyder SychoJason
“I love you Maria, I’m sorry you’re getting killed” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:24
Here comes MARIIIAAAAA! She’s in pink and silver sparkleys!
“She dyed her hair.” – Dani
“She took off her shirt!” – Hernandez
So Beth charges her against the apron and they get back in and fists fly. Maria gets two good punches in, but then Beth hangs her on the top turnbuckle and uppercuts her.
“That girl’s a bruiser!” – Dani
“She sure is!” – Hernandez
Picks her up and a stalled fisherman suplex! The ref then sends Beth away….. umm… why? Sure, what the hell.
“The ref didnt know how to react to a match on Raw where a wrestler dominated someone else with a clean finish that wasn’t Triple H or Hulk Cena and threw Beth out.” – Insyder Black Scorpion
Oh, ok – it seesm that since the match never started so the ref DQ’d her for cheating or something silly like that. No contest I guess.
“Where was Santino?” – Insyder Razor Mike
“In a pipe.” – Insyder Captain Q
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:30
In the back, Candice is here to talk to Todd.
“Nobody cares.” – Dani
“How do you stack up against against Beth Phoenix?” – Todd
“That’s a boob joke.” – Me
“..she doesn’t…” – Dani
Oh this was interrupted by Snitsky!?!??!
“I smell onions.” – Hernandez
Elsewhere, Vince and Coach are talking about how Vince feels that the woman will give up his bastard son within the next week or so. Regal shows up and he has something to tell Vince. Something’s happened, but won’t say it in front of Coach.
Finally, reveals that his attorney has called and the entire McMahon family is showing up to talk to him. They are all bringing their attorneys.
“Who are all strangely Pat Patterson..” – Me
For a strange comedic moment, they all stare at Coach demeaningly. Brilliant.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:37
Bookah’s big entrance. Pinky and all!
“King Booker extends his pinky to point to where the flying pink elephants are at.” – Insyder Black Scorpion
“Naah, it was his tribute to Macho Man. Next, Sharmell will do a tribute to Miss Elizabeth by banging Lex Luger while washing down some Vicodins with a bottle of Stoli.” – Insyder Hardygrrl
“Mmm… Vicodin & Stoli” – Insyder SychoJason
‘Introducing Boston’s own.. John Cena’ – Lillian
“ANYWAYY TO GET A CHEAAAAP POP!” – Me
KING BOOKAH vs. JOHN CENA
For the title? Probably not…
Cena runs the ropes a bit while his music is still playing. Then finally the bell rings. He kisses his dog tags…. why?
Lock up to start and they push to the ropes and roll into the corner. Book hits a knee or three and throws John to the ropes, misses the axe kick and eats a combo of punches.
Book gets thrown to the corner turnbuckle and the crossrope bulldog for two.
“Any chance Booker’s gonna take this?” – Bill
“Is this a title match?” – Me
“Yep.” – Bill
“Then nope.” – Me
Kick to the gut from Book stops his assault. They fight it out some more with Cena taking the top of it, hits the fisherman suplex and locks Book into a kneeling armlock. Book gets to his feet, Cena wraps up the arm and one smart fist drops Cena!
Book goes for the spinkick, ducked and Cena hits the ropes, russian leg sweep and the STFU from Cena as Book grabs the rope!
Booker crawls to the outside and that’s commercial time.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:48
We’re back – and Book hits the crescent kick on Booka… pins for two. Throws him to the ropes, reversed, and Cena charges to eat some MORE turnbuckle. Cena eats a spinning heel and gets a two count. Book puts Cena in a modified abdominal stretch.
Book hits a couple of HUGE punches to drop Cena. Book charges, and Cena out of NOWHERE hits the spinebuster for two.
“Sadly I have no interest in this match” – Hernande
“Me neither…” – Me
Cena charges and Book throws up his boot. Book picks him up for a solid sideslam for two.
“It’s a nice surprise match..” – Hernandez
“Yep, but since Orton is going to ruin it… meh.” – Me
Another top-loaded armlock from Booker, both lying on the mat. The ref checks Cena’s shoulders and he back bridges before a pin is counted. Now he fights up to his feet. He just PICKS Up Book… and a boot just LAYS OUT CENA! Not a superkick.. a boot to his face! Gets a two count anyway tho.
Book watches Cena, sizes him up. Hits the ropes, MISSES the axe kick… charges Cena, eats elbow. Gets up, eats a clothesline and as he charges Booker…
hey, look, i’m totally shocked, it’s orton…
Book and Orton doubleteam the hell out of Cena.
“Next week, Booker & Orton vs. Cena and Hunter” – Bill
Book hits the axe kick and gestures to Cena as he leaves the ring so Orton sets up the RKO.
“I like that Booker didn’t even WANT the belt.. I’m a king.. f*ck it.” – Hernandez
Orton continues to size up Cena…
“I’vvve got a turtlehead!” – Hernandez
“Oh no…Orton is going to deliver the vicious, the heinous, the horrendous….kick.” – Insyder Captain Q
Orton rears back for the fieldgoal shot – runs up and ssstops!
“The kick is up… WHY’D HE STOP?” – Insyder Crippie
“HIS DAD!” – Hernandez
Orton does in fact go, grabs Cena’s father annnnnd EL-KAFUCKING BONG! He caught him with tip AND heel…
The end. Yep, that’s how they ended it, with the medics going down for Mr. Cena.
“So was that the equivelant to Earthquake squishing Damien years ago?” – Insyder Captain Q
“Essentially, yeah, only, you know, less relevant” – Insyder Khali Sucks
“Does that count as an Orton face turn?” – Insyder Black Scorpion
First let’s find out what the Forumers though of it all!
CAPTAIN Q – Show was so so until the main event killed it.
KHALI SUCKS – Better show than last week,but overall, just….Meh
SYCHOJASON – RAW is barely keeping my attention anymore. They need to do something about this.
SARCASTICWOLF – Blah
A FACELESS NAME – Thanks to reruns of Daily Show and Colbert I am watching this. Why? At least I got some Umaga.
What did we think?
“I wasn’t watching.” – Dani
“I enjoyed, but I really liked the end.” – Jeffrey
“Two generations of Cena eating feet.” – Bill
“Started off really good near the end, but after he ate the foot… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD.” – Hernandez
“I wish more happened. I always seem to wish that more happens. Oh well.” – Me
“Kinda like a first date?” – Hernandez
“It was a set-up show ya know after last night..” – Bill
“Where NOTHING HAPPENED!” – Me
“..shut up..” – Bill
