The show opens with a recap of last week, but even with heavy editing, it’s obvious that the Steiner Brothers just don’t have anything in the tank. Sorry, Nostalgia”¦you lose this round.
Before the official show intro, we see Adam “Pacman” Jones and Ron “The Truth” Killings backstage, who are telling some chick with a microphone that last week, Eric Young got a free celebrity autograph spray painted on his back, and someone else is going to get one tonight. Way to revitalize your image there, Pac.
The announcers give us a quick rundown of the main event for tonight: Sting vs. AJ Styles vs. Christian Cage vs. Samoa Joe. The lucky winner becomes one of the TNA Tag Team Champions, and Kurt Angle’s partner against Team Pacman at the PPV. Let it be noted that we will spend all evening trying to find one of these men who does not want to murder the world champion, and wear his skull as a hat.
We’re then sent backstage with Kurt Angle, Mrs. Angle, and Dr. Nash, who basically say that none of these guys are looking out for Kurt, then make some kind of joke about charity that I must have blinked and missed. However, Karen Angle tells hubby not to worry about it, and she’s going to go pay a visit to the usual suspects. Kurt is totally cool with that, although a second after she leaves, he realizes that she just may wind up confronting Samoa Joe. Which is probably bad.
Match #1:
Team 3D vs. The Motor City Machine Guns
This could be interesting. Oh wait, here comes Scott Steiner, who’s probably a bit miffed about his brother getting 3Ded through a table last week, and he pushes through the Guns, who back off, leading into…
“Match” #1:
Team 3D vs. Scott Steiner
Oh hell…
Scott runs in the ring, and gets pounded by Team 3D, although he comes back with a double clothesline, and follows up with a belly-to-belly on Devon. Having temporarily gotten the upper hand, Scott goes out to get a table, and brings it into the ring. Of course, there are TWO of Team 3D, and they quickly gain the advantage, and 3D him into the middle of next week. Ray and Devon then grab a couple of chairs, and chase away any refs in the area. Devon sets the top of the chair on the throat of Steiner, and Ray pounds it in like a railroad spike. Ow.
Scotty rolls out of the ring and is surrounded by referees, clutching his formerly injured trachea in pain, and sort of pushing away referees. However, Ray storms towards the gaggle of zebras with the timekeeper’s hammer, and he and Devon chase them away. Just to solidify what utter jerks they are, they bring Scott back into the ring, and, with a little assistance from Devon, Bubba superbombs him through a table. Is it a bad sign when I don’t make a big deal about a 300+ pound man being powerbombed off the second rope through a table?
Winner: Well, no one, really, as it wasn’t actually a match
I feel like this should be a bigger deal, but this feud was already settled last month, wasn’t it? How long do these feuds need to go on? We saw them wrestle, the match was a giant steaming pile of “meh,” and that was the end of it. Are the fans clamoring for a rematch? Is there any money to be made by putting these two teams against each other, when both are obviously past their glory days? You blew the nostalgia wad on this match, TNA”¦time to move on.
(Commercial)
During the commercial break, Scott Steiner was stretchered away, and Don West talks about he’s never been more disgusted in his life. Really? After watching Abyss get torn to shreds a few months ago with a barbed wire bat by the Christian Coalition? Or watching Rhino go super off-the-wagon at the last Pay-Per-View? Or all the horrific stuff that LAX have done over the course of their tenure here?
Anyway, the Motor City Machine Guns say that TNA needs heroes, just like Detroit needs heroes, and, “Let’s see if we can’t bump up the ratings a little bit!” Open challenge time!
Match #2:
The Motor City Machine Guns vs. VKM
Observe, as the match becomes a microcosm for everything wrong with the company right now. At first, MCMG just DECIMATES BG James with quick double teams, unloading their arsenal of kicks, springboard attacks, and high-impact, innovative moves, and just basically taking them out like they’re nothing. Sabin even takes out Kip on the apron with a dropkick off Shelley’s back! They might have a chance, right? No. Shelley slides under Kip’s legs while he’s on the apron, bringing him to the floor, but Kip quickly punches him down into the guardrail. Kip gets into the ring, hits Sabin with The One and Only, and BG pins him.
Winner: VKM
Loser: The Home Audience, Wrestling Fans Worldwide, Generally Everyone
And that’s the end. Do I even need to mention how wrong it is that this overrated, overaged team just basically jobbed out arguably the most exciting tag team in the company? Does this remind ANYONE of the dominance of WWF/WWE transfers and “Millionaire’s Club” of the old WCW? No wonder the morale backstage blows…
VKM, having quickly dispatched of the MCMG, issue an open challenge, and LAX is out to respond…and so are XXX…as well as…Eric Young and Shark Boy? Alright…aaaand then they all rush the ring and brawl. Yep, that’s the whole segment. Way to earn a paycheck, everyone! Now, into the back with you.
We’re sent back to Karen Angle as she’s about to enter Samoa Joe’s locker room. Jeremy Borash is concerned, but she says that the whole “costing him the titles thing” was two weeks ago, and Samoans have short memories. Really? Remember kids, it’s okay to make stereotypical statements if you’re playing a heel. That’s why I’m waiting for Kurt Angle to refer to Team Pacman as “your kind.” That’ll be a fun day.
(Commercial)
Christian Cage has the greatest logic in the world when Karen Angle comes to see Christian and AJ Styles. See, she offers to help Christian win, and he’ll be granted a World Title shot after he helps Angle defend the Tag Titles. Christian doesn’t bite, because the only liar in TNA bigger than Karen Angle…is him. Awesome. He says that he and Styles are going to take out Joe and Sting, and then they’ll settle it between them one on one. He and Tomko leave, but AJ sticks around.
“That offer was for both of us, right?”
“Of course.”
“So…if I win…I get a title shot.”
“Simple as that.”
“Y’know…I’m not…I’m not gullible, or stupid.”
AJ Styles leaves.
AJ Styles walks back in.
“Wait, so if I help Kurt win…”
“No, no…all you have to do, is win.”
Karen Angle kisses AJ on the cheek seductively.
AJ Styles looks at Borash.
“She TOTALLY wants me. Don’t tell Kurt.”
Thank you, AJ, for entertaining me. I’ll send you some candy in the mail or something.
Match #3: Winner Becomes Tag Team Champion and Kurt Angle’s Partner
Christian vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Sting
Joe’s got the fire dancers today. It’s not Pay-Per-View…huh. Backstage, we see Karen trying to get Sting to be his partner, saying that they’re both about family and children. Sting says, “If you want to think of the children, change your dress.” Oh, SNAP. So, then he enters, and then we go into the Impact Zone, and we get to watch Kurt and Karen Angle walk down to the ring, as they’re gonna be doin’ some spectatin’.
(Commercial)
Match #3: Winner Becomes Kurt Angle’s Partner
Christian vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Sting
Okay, for real this time…
The bell rings, and we’re off. Joe takes Christian, and Sting takes AJ, whose pants are remarkably shiny today. Styles gets the upper hand, and goes to help Cage with Joe, and then back to Sting. Just punching and kicking for awhile, until AJ and Christian toss Joe through the middle ropes to the floor. They’re then off to double team Sting, and take turns holding him for punches to the gut. They pick up Sting, then both run to the ropes, and so of course he double clotheslines them. Sting throws Styles to the floor, whips Cage against the ropes, and sets up for a back body drop, but Cage sees it and kicks him in the face. However, Christian runs to the ropes, and gets a Sting dropkick right in the mush. Sting goes for the deathlock, but Cage gets to the ropes, and Sting is pulled out of the ring by Styles, and Joe comes in and locks the Coquina Clutch on Cage. However, AJ comes in and breaks it up, but Joe just knocks his lights out with kicks and an enziguri in the corner. Cage is set up in the corner on the ground, and Joe tosses Styles’ head into Christian’s crotch like a bowling ball. Heh. Belly-to-back suplex on Styles, but it only gets two.
It’s looking good for Joe, but Styles recovers, and jumps up and backflips off the top turnbuckle to catch Joe in the reverse DDT. However, before he or Cage can take advantage, Sting arises from the outside, and tosses both Cage and Styles out of the ring, confronting Joe as we go to our sponsors.
(Commercial)
Sting cleared house during the commercial break, but misses a Stinger Splash on Joe, who sets him up on the top; however, Sting reverses it, and takes Joe down. Styles goes to pin Sting, but it’s a no-go. Then, Christian goes for a pin on him, and Styles breaks it up! Christian’s all like, “What the hell?” and Styles tries to get him in a small package. They go back and forth for awhile, and AJ goes to the top, but Cage sees it coming, so AJ just jumps over him, and when Cage charges him after landing, AJ kicks him in the gut and goes for the Styles Clash. Sting charges before he can hit it, but AJ ducks, and concusses him with a gorgeous Pele. Joe charges and they clothesline each other down. Cage, being…well, cagey, gets on the turnbuckle and tries to frogsplash them BOTH, but there’s nobody home. Sting backdrops Cage over the ropes, and then AJ tosses HIM out, and Joe throws AJ out of the ring. See where this is going? You should. Joe runs to the opposite side of the ring, and gives a crazy-fat-guy-outta-control rolling tope’ onto everyone, but he’s already up and ready to go.
(Commercial)
During the commercial break, Cage low-blowed Joe, and gave him an Unprettier on the concrete. Oucharoo.
Apparently, AJ and Cage have gotten over their differences, as they double suplex Sting, and they take turns choking and stomping on Sting. However, Sting finds his inner strength (i.e. Jesus), and pounds on both of them. He sets the heels up in the corner and goes for the Stinger Splash, but Cage moves out of the way, leaving AJ to take it. Cage tries to hit him with the Unprettier, but Sting reverses into the Scorpion Death Drop, which gets two before AJ breaks it up. Christian recovers fast enough, and goes out to ringside to get an empty chair from the audience (Ha!), but Samoa Joe stops him, and grabs the chair himself. He tries to smush his head against the turnbuckle with the chair, but Christian ducks, and they brawl to the back.
Back in the ring, we have AJ and Sting left. AJ goes to the corner to take off the turnbuckle pad, which of course gathers the attention of the referee. Naturally, as the ref is looking elsewhere, Sting gets up, only to have Tomko run in the ring and give him the good ol’ boot to the face. The dirty work done, AJ turns around, goes for the pin…and gets two. Frustrated, AJ goes to the apron, and jumps in with a springboard nothing-in-particular, and gets caught in an inverted atomic drop. Oooh…Sting takes him down, locks in the Scorpion Deathlock, and that’s all she wrote.
Winner, and NEW TNA Tag Team Champion: Sting
Post-match, Sting is, obviously, pretty well exhausted, and Kurt and Karen Angle walk into the ring to offer him the belt (which he takes), and a handshake (which he is slightly more hesitant about). However, they shake hands (as the crowd cheers…huh? Isn’t Angle a heel?), and Karen Angle raises both of their hands in the air. The Angles then leave, leaving Sting to celebrate alone in the ring…
So that he can get beaten down by the incoming Team Pacman, although Ron Killings obviously does all the work, taking him down with a scissor kick (looking like he lands on his head, but apparently he’s alright). Jones isn’t even allowed to roll him over, it seems, although he does spraypaint “PAC” onto Sting’s back, but Kurt Angle is back in the ring to clear house, hitting Killings and sending him to the outside, and chasing Jones, which makes me figure he’s allowed to run for a foot or two. Angle stands strong in the ring as Team Pacman makes threatening faces, and we’re out.
The Inside Pulse
This show really points out how much TNA needs to dig out of their own insane overbooking and side-switching. Karen Angle basically goes around to all of the guys wrestling in the main event, convincing them to be nice to Kurt. However, none of them like him. But, if that’s the case, and all they want is the world title, then why are they fighting to become Kurt’s partner? Samoa Joe has SOMETHING going, as he wants to be around to cost Angle the belts, but what is the inspiration for any of these guys to want to be Angle’s partner? Plus, at the end of the show, Angle, who plays a heel the whole show, makes the big save, which gets him cheered by the crowd. It’s just a HUGE mess, and they should have thought of a better way to make Sting his partner that doesn’t involve any kind of mutual respect or agreement.
And is there anything more depressing than watching The Motor City Machine Guns annihilated by the aging VKM? Remember, the thing that made the New Age Outlaws great was that they were sneaky motherfuckers who barely escaped matches by cheating like crazy and being lucky as sin. Once they had to become a legitimate force, they lost what made them special. Now, they’re far past a prime that was never based on in-ring prowess, and they get to make short work of young, super-talented guys that should be the building blocks of TNA homegrown talent.
Forgive them, lord, they know not what they do.
