Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
And a happy Labor Day to all of you Americans out there. I was considering celebrating Labor Day by not doing this column, but I did that last week. The entire week. All of us did.
Is he old enough to be drinking that?
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Showing again that the Brits have superior taste in music, a concertgoer at the Reading leg of the Carling Weekend music festival lashed out against the shitty music of PANIC! AT THE DISCO by throwing a bottle at the band as they were performing, hitting bassist Jon Walker in the head. Normally, I would dissuade this type of behavior, but after singer Brendon Urie was hit in the head by a bottle last year, requiring medical attention, they obviously failed to get the point. Urie even said, after the band’s first song (and after several fans had already tossed objects, albeit missing everyone), “All right, this is going better than last year. We made it through the first one,” and that may have been what prompted the fan to subsequently hurl the bottle. Walker continued to play after being hit by the projectile, later telling reporters, “I didn’t get knocked out; I got off lightly.” He was then squished by the giant foot from the beginning of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
Legendary blues musician BO DIDDLEY was hospitalized in Gainesville, Fla., last Friday after suffering a heart attack, ironically during a routine medical checkup (he had suffered a stroke in May). His publicist told reporters that he had spent the weekend in the North Florida Regional Medical Center’s intensive care unit, and was moved to the cardiac care unit shortly thereafter, adding that he “is conscious, [though the] situation is very serious.” The SMonday Swindle Sheet would like to send out a message to Bo Diddley to wish him a speedy recovery, and would also like to wish that FALL OUT BOY bassist Pete Wentz gets kneed in the groin by an overzealous fan at the band’s next concert, while another fan captures the entire thing on a cell phone camera.
After a ridiculous stunt that saw him toss a giant wad of cash into the audience during a concert at Morgan State University in Baltimore, LIL WEEZY is being sued by a woman who is no doubt looking for an easy way to pay off her student loans. According to the lawsuit, filed by Tyrique Layne on Tuesday, a subsequent fracas that followed the stunt as concertgoers scrambled to grab the cash resulted in her and two other women getting crushed by the crowd. Since the incident, which occurred last year, Layne says that she’s experienced “headaches, memory loss, fatigue and neck pain,” and is seeking $1 million to make it all better.
After throwing a now-infamous shit fit at last year’s MTV Europe Music Awards when was pwn3d by JUSTICE and SIMIAN for the Video of the Year award, KANYE WEST will be facing the former half, once again, at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. Also nominated for Video of the Year are BEYONCÃ‰ (“Irreplaceable”), RIHANNA (“Umbrella”), JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (What Goes Around… Comes Around”) and AMY WINEHOUSE (“Rehab”). West’s Hype-Williams-directed video for “Stronger” will go up against “D.A.N.C.E.”, a critically acclaimed video that is reminiscent of a 1970s Sesame Street segment teaching young children how to spell. Should Kanye West once again lose to Justice (or anyone else for that matter), I predict a full-blown meltdown that will ultimately result in a backpack being hurled into the audience, hitting the singer from Panic! at the Disco in the face. HAHA… and he thought he wouldn’t get hit by anything this year…
In other BeyoncÃ©-related news, when the nominees for the 2007 Latin Grammy Awards were announced last Wednesday, she and SHAKIRA were nominated for their duet, “Beautiful”. Meanwhile, merengue/bachata/salsa singer JUAN LUIS GUERRA led the list of musicians with five nominations, reggaetÃ³n group CALLE 13 received four nominations, and RICKY MARTIN is worthless little twink who needs to get the f*ck out of my Internet.
News Headline: Nicole Scherzinger: ‘Don’t judge me because I’m sexy’
Oh, shut up.
News Headline: Jared Leto thinks people will take his band seriously because they won an award
You shut up, too. Especially you.
TONI BRAXTON has squashed rumors that she has breast cancer. According to a reporter for The SMonday Swindle Sheet with whom Braxton spoke, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, she squashed the rumors with the broad side of a large snow shovel. And by “rumors”, she means the irritating little Filipino children who live next door. You heard it here first.
A THREE 6 MAFIA concert that was scheduled to take place at the Towson University in Towson, Md., on Sept. 8, has been cancelled because someone at the school realized that they suck. Well done. You heard it here first.
Rapper LIL KIM was pulled over by New York police on Thursday and cited for driving without license plates on her car, as well as failure to show proof of insurance. One time I ate two bags of Boston Baked Beans. Luckily they were not real baked beans, so instead of being really gassy I was only left with a minor stomachache and a bunch of red shit stuck in my teeth. You heard it here first.
In other useless news, CHER broke three of her toes after falling down the stairs at her home in Malibu, Calif. No, really.
In other falling-down-and-injured-oneself-related news, SUPERGRASS had to cancel an upcoming concert in Oxford, England, after bassist Mick Quinn fell out of a second-floor window (injuring his heel and two vertebrae) while sleepwalking in a rented villa in southern France. Nope. I didn’t make this one up, either.
Jack White of THE WHITE STRIPES was arrested in Cleveland on Friday, after he allegedly gave the Arabian Goggles to a homeless ten-year-old who was sleeping on a park bench. Yep, made that one up.
It would appear as if singer LILY ALLEN might be following in the footsteps of her fellow MARK RONSON acolyte, the aforementioned Amy Winehouse (who just cancelled all of her U.S. concert dates), as Allen was found passed out at the side of the road last Monday, after attending a carnival in London’s Notting Hill district. According to several witnesses, Allen was seen drinking heavily and puffing on what appeared to be a joint earlier in the day, and was later found motionless in a nearby gutter, as a witness told local reporters, “She was just asleep on the groundâ€”it didn’t look good. People were crowding around, taking pictures of her.” Luckily for the singer, some kind-hearted employees at a nearby restaurant picked her up, took her in, gave her water and washed off a permanent marker mustache that was mysteriously drawn on her face, before sending her on her way. … In a related story, earlier in the night Allen had gotten into an altercation with reggae singer Bobby Kray, after she shoved him (in Kray’s words, having “too much carnival spirit”) off of the stage while he was performing, injuring his neck and ankle, though he was able to get back up quickly in time to grab his microphone back from Allen and pour her can of Guinness over her head before pulling out a permanent marker and drawing a mustache on her face.
After a potential reunion of THE SMITHS for next year’s Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival was recently ruled out by a vehement MORRISSEY (whom Mexicans love), the organizers of the annual event have reportedly offered alt-rockers MY BLOODY VALENTINE an undisclosed amount of money to headline next year’s installment. While the group hasn’t performed together since 1995, lead singer Kevin Shields recently told Magnet magazine, “We are 100 percent going to make another My Bloody Valentine record unless [one of us dies] or something.” The reporter then told him that bassist Debbie Googe had been run over by a steamroller and was dead. After about 20 seconds of awkward silence, the reporter admitted that he had just been pulling Shields’ leg and that Googe was, in fact, alive and well. You should have seen his face, though.
1980s R&B singer EL DEBARGE was arrested on Wednesday on suspicion of domestic violence. Hoo boy… why am I even doing this? I will never get back the 11 seconds of my life that it took me to type that first sentence. I’m not even going to format the damn name. I should just delete the whole sentence, but I’ve just wasted another 12 seconds typing to the end of this sentence. I blame LIL JON for this. That f*cker. Shawn M. Smith said he could get me an interview with him, but I turned it down after we agreed it wouldn’t be a good interview if I just spent the entire time telling him all of the disasters and catastrophes for which he has been responsible throughout history. Fuck that guy. Maybe I’ll have Mathan do the interview.
After an extensive search to find a person to play the role of THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G. in an upcoming biopic, Voletta Wallace, the late rapper’s mother, as well as a small panel of people close to him, decided to give the part to teenage singer SEAN KINGSTON, who is best known for that dreadful “Beautiful Girls” song that’s been littering the airwaves all summer. Bullshit. From the sound of the aforementioned dreadful song, they’re going to need a voice-over for Kingston, who sounds more like a drowning cat trying to cough up a hairball than one of the best rappers of all-time. Hell, they should have just waited a few more years for SHYNE to get out of prison. He sounds pretty much exactly like Biggie, and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind eating three dozen doughnuts a day for two months or so in order to get the body type right.
PRETENDERS singer Chrissie Hynde is hopping mad after discovering that handbag designer Hogan has named a pony skin bag after her. Hynde, a devout animal rights advocate, told reporters, after finding out about the “Chrissie” bag, “I never thought I’d be moved to consider filing a lawsuit, but as soon as I heard my name was being used to promote bags made of dead-animal skin, I started exploring my legal options with my friends at PETA. … At first, I thought this must be a joke, it’s so outrageous and thoughtless.” I, of course, find this to be absolutely hilarious.