WONDER WHO WON’T BE HERE TONIGHT!
WONDER WHO WON’T BE HERE NEXT WEEK!
WONDER WHO WILL BE SKINNY IN A MONTH!
WONDER WHO WON’T BE HERE IN A MONTH!
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Well here we are on what is going to be the most amazing few weeks of Raw we’ve ever considered. For those who aren’t aware, first.. welcome to the Monday Night Report that babbles back at the screen.
If you don’t know why wrestling is up shits creek, then I really appreciate your dedication to my report and nothing else.
Here’s the short list:
– 10 people are suspended.
– Eugene & Cryme Tyme are fired.
– Vince is heading to Congress soon.
Now let’s discuss who is Rabbling with us tonight:
Hernandez! – Addicted to Somotropin
Danielle! – Addicted to HGH
Jeffrey! – Addicted to Anabolics
Bill! – Addicted to Estrogen
..and the pharmacy of comments from the Insyders over at the Inside Pulse Forums! Join in the fun.
Coming to you live?
“Pre-recorded?” – Hernandez
“Pre-recorded.” – Me
“Welcome to RAW is on vacation and suspension!” – Insyder kromadas
“Welcome to RAW IS DEPLETED! Tonight it is JR vs. The King for the title!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
We get a flashback to last Raw where Orton nearly brained Cena… but instead brained Cena’s father.
“Eugene’s last match was versus the piano they’re playing.” – Me
We’re starting with the IC Title! Jeff versus Umaga…
“Does Umaga look smaller this week?” – Me
“His pants fit!” – Hernandez
“He DOES look smaller!” – Dani
“Because he’s been shitting bricks since yesterday.” – Me
JEFF HARDY vs. UMAGA
Who did Steroids?
“Oh look, Jeff Hardy looks so fab in his Posh Spice haircut.” – Insyder Ellie
Umaga hits Jeff, ducked and they fight it out, but Umaga charges Jeff into the corner. Throws him into the ropes and a choke chop. Umaga picks up Jeff and another back elbow. Stomps Jeff on down.
Tosses Jeff to the corner. Umaga just pummeling Jeff in the corner until finally he charges him and MOVED! Jeff climbs up on Umaga and counts punches to three. Jeff jumps to the outside and eats the superkick. He’s out..
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:09
“What kind of sick twisted universe is this that Jeff Hardy is *winning* the IC title belt due to the Wellness Policy? That’s like…that’s like Colonel Sanders winning an award from Peta….” – Insyder bluelobster
Back and Umaga is still beating the hell out of the Skittles Warrior, Jeff Hardy. Nerve pinch!
“Bite his leg!” – Hernandez
Jeff fights out of it…. annnd samoan drop.
He gives the flying headbutt annnnd WHIFF!
“Umaga’s not moving as fluidly as he used to… don’t know why!” – Me
Jeff out of nowhere hits his nice frontkick! Goes for the sunset flip, but Umaga sits… NOPE!
“Jeff Hardy: Wear the rainbow, taste the rainbow.” – Insyder Crippie
Jeff DOES hit the Whisper In The Wind! NO!
“Hey Umaga, remember when John Cena feared you?” – Dani
Jeff now hits the top rope, caught, black hole slam!
“Somehow Jeff is coming back from that?” – Dani
Pins for…. TWO!
“I never was able to lift him after that!” – Me
So Umaga climbs to the top… Jeff hits the ropes and Umaga TUMBLES!
JEFF HITS THE PIN! THE WIN! WE’RE NOT SURPRISED!
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
“Already this Raw, better than Summerslam.” – Me
Umaga stands stunned in the ring.
“Umaga can’t understand what just happened!” – Jim Ross
“Umaga can’t even read!” – Insyder Hardygrrl
Coming up is the McMahon Family Confrontation!
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:18
“All this trouble over steroids makes me think they should bring back makin a difference Fatu” – Insyder Razor Mike
So we see again Jeff’s … AMAZING … FLUKE … win over Umaga. Afterwards, Umaga just went nuts.
“I think that saying that this was a case of roid rage, might just be a touch insensitive.” – Me
So Vince is in the back with his lawyers and Coach. Carlito’s here… and his hair is different.
“What did he DO!?” – Dani
“..tried steroids..” – Hernandez
“He got into a fight with a flowbee!” – Dani
“CARLY LOST HIS MAGICAL POWERS!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia…it’s a new kinda cool!!!” – Insyder Captain Q
Vince explains that Carlito is going to team up with Umaga to face Hunter tonight… oooo…
Also in the back, Maria looking EXCELLENT>
“Is she auditioning for Flash Gordon?” – Hernandez
Santino apparently asked for Maria to have a rematch with Beth. Santino has some things to say first.
She looked excellent there. Anyway, here comes Regal, he’s a bezerker. So Regal wants to see Cena, but right now he’s talking to Regal. She whispers something dirty in Regal’s ear and he says that she should be ashamed of herself…
Hey Steph’s here! So are her boobies! Melina almost gets slapped by Steph.. turns and Linda gives her a lil slappy slap.
“How do you make a slap look f*cked up?” – Insyder Kromadas
“Linda McMahon’s acting abilities know no bounds.” – Insyder bluelobster
Ron then exclaims …
“STEROID… I mean… DAMN!” – Me
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:27
It’s time for SANNNTINNNO!
“See ya Santino.” – Dani
He’s with Maria, and she looks so cute with widdle hood!
“I’d LOVE to see her little hood.” – Me
“Wow, I didn’t get anything thrown at me.” – Me
Santino has something to say.
“I will be gone for 30 days.” – Dani
When his arm is better, he is going to beat up Ron Simmons. He then cracks a joke at a New Jersey senator and insults the crowd.
Hey! Who is here.. it’s… SANDMAN!
“And all this stuff going down, Sandman still unscathed.” – Hernandez
“Would YOU tell him he’s fired?” – Dani
“Everytime sandman gets airtime, a puppy dies.” – Insyder Razor Mike
“I thought every time sandman got airtime, a child passed out from alcohol consumption.” – Insyder El Australiano
He gets to the ring, stares around. Santino figured out his problem, it’s that Santino has Maria and Sandman makes love to his stick.
Then… EL KABONG! He gets beat up the ramp… and eats the flat of it quite a few times. This leaves my poor Maria standing in the ring awaiting her imminent demise.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:35
“Ya know, I respect that they didn’t put Milla in a half-naked outfit for the last Resident Evil.” – Dani
“Doesn’t mean she won’t in the film.” – Me
“She IS wearing white, so she’ll be at least be getting wet.” – Dani
We’re back.. and poor Maria looks worried. Here comes Beth. Now we know why.
“Did I just see fully defined labia through Beth’s pants?” – Insyder A Faceless Name
MARIA vs. BETH PHOENIX
…neither has done steroids…
Beth enters the ring her usual backwards way. Bell rings and Maria charges her. Leaps on her and tries to choke her or something. She charges again and gets thrown to the mat. Charges again and is heaved up on Beth’s shoulder. She then gets choked on the rope.
Beth hits Maria once in the back. Stalled fisherman’s suplex. We’re done.
“They treated Maria in that match like she did steroids.” – Me
Beth grabs a mic and says she’s facing Candice at Unforgiven. Candice is going to face a diva unlike she has ever faced before.
“Mt. Fiji?” – Me
She then hits Maria again with another fishermans. Candice runs on down and they go face to face.
“It’s like Hogan Andre in that ring!” – Me
We get a shot of Cena’s Dad with his black eye.
“I’D LIKE TO PLAY A GAME!” – Me (He looks like Jigsaw.)
“I wonder if young randall practices that kick on the wwe divas” – Insyder Razor Mike
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:42
We’re back and Regal is there! Let’s savor this time with him…
Orton pleaded his case to McMahon and Orton ended up kicking the hell out of John’s Dad.
“Let’s just savour… Umanga… Triple Haitch…” – Me
So we get the shitty piano’d video package again.
“Why did his father fall FORWARD!” – Hernandez
Regal gave Orton the night off, but he is here via satellite.
“Randy Orton live via satellite from behind the curtain” – Insyder Crippie
Orton is there to discuss how some people think what he did last week was ‘sick’. We can call him whatever we want.
“Bag shitter!” – Me
“Orton Destiny Champ!” – Hernandez
So Randy did that since the match was denied for him to face Cena.
“So Randy didn’t screw Cena…. Cena… screwed.. Bret?” – Me
“No.” – Hernandez
So yeah, Unforgiven – Orton vs. Cena.
Orton then gets an extreme close up.
“This is why HD will fail.” – Me
So he then says we’ll be seeing Triple Haitch vs Carlito and Humanga.
“WE GOT BOTH OF THEM!” – Me
“Two for one!” – Hernandez
Cena then shows up.. no music. Nice touch. He looks upset. He’s heading down to the ring with Regal defending himself as Cena climbs on in.
“Now John.. don’t do anything foolish..” – Regal
“Like steroids…” – Me
Cena just looks at Regal. Then his dog tags. Kisses them and charges Regal… all while the crowd chants ‘CM PUNK’.
Cena drags him on the outside. STFUs him on the mat. He’s screaming like Eugene, and he won’t let go!
“Unique way of getting Regal out for awhile…” – Me
“This could almost explain BOTH of them are being gone.” – Hernandez
“He’s attached to Regal for 30 days?” – Me
“No no no.. suspended.” – Hernandez
“Cena’s already beaten a double murderer. A drug addict like Regal didn’t stand a chance.” – Insyder BBrianBlair2
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:55
We’re back to see Cena beat the hell out of Regal again.
Here comes Cade and Murdoch sitting with Lawler and JR…
It’s a number one contender for Unforgiven.
“Cryyyyme Tyyy…. oh.. nevermind.” – Me
Hooliganz do joint backflips and do a five second pose!
TWGTT vs. HOOLIGANZ
ONE of them is on steroids!
Kendrick in there with Haas. Haas rolling with a front headlock. Charlie armbars him and shoulderchecks him down. They continue to fight it out, but Kendrick gets a reversal and tags to London. Top rope chop to Haas.
Tag back to Kendrick with his own top rope chop. Tag back. Double stomp to Charlie’s hand. Snap kick to his back and Haas sends him to the corner, but he leaps Charlie and hits a high kick. Charlie grabs him for a full release belly to back.
Running kick to London now and a tag to Shelty.
“Illuminate.” – Me
“What did Shelton do to his hair?” – Dani
“He was the first to fall asleep at the slumber party.” – Hernandez
Shelty picks up London and lets him hover in midair for a moment to fall down on his knee. He suplexes London down and Charlie flips toprope onto London for a two count. Now two counts back and forth.
London now fights out of lock-up. Hits the ropes and rolls over Shelty, he makes a dive to Kendrick, but his leg is caught! Charlie gets the tag and gets a back elbow in turn – both down now.
“Everytime I see Charlie I think.. byeeee…” – Dani
“Charlie’s leaving for Candy Mountain…” – Hernandez
London charges, Charlie catches him… London slips around and FINALLY gets the tag. Kendrick with three enzuigiris to Charlie. A dropkick to Shelty. A suicide dive to Benjamin. A top rope shot to Haas. A flying crossbody for two stopped by a shot from Shelton.
Shelton charges in to London, and he’s flipped to the outside while Kendrick hits the Sliced Bread!
WINNER: THE HOOLIGANZ!
So in come Murdoch and Cade. They clap for the Hooliganz, giving standing ovations. They also want to shake their hands. Kendrick shakes Cade. London shakes Murdoch. They then seperate all nicelike.
No Haas shot?
“Fired, fired, yeah yeah. Fired, fired, yeah yeah.” – Insyder bluelobster
In the back Regal is being checked out by the EMTs… but here’s THE MONEY! SHANE!
“Seems we’ve had a busy night.” – Says Shane
“NO SHIT!” – says the world.
We get a nice commercial spot for CM Punk.
“I don’t do drugs.. these man boobs are NATURAL.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL – 10:10
In the back, Carlito and Umaga are talking. Umaga is seething.. I tend to believe it’s over Carlito’s haircut.
Carlito tries to hype Umaga up for his match with Triple Haitch.
Now Vince in the back is talking with his team of lawyers. Discussing over his personal money in his Swiss accounts. He then asks how Regal is doing…. he’s pretty beat up, so Vince without missing a beat goes, ‘..yep, that’s too bad..’
Coach is our GM again. Just like that.
The middle lawyer suggests just hearing his family out first. Vince considers it and fires him on the spot. Dummy.
“Did that lawyer do steroids?” – Me
Vince wants to go out for blood!
COMMERCIAL – 10:20
Davairi and Jillian Hall are here? Strange…
“Shouldn’t she have a hood on?” – Hernandez
“Is she his genie in a bottle?” – Dani
“Poor Daivari, now he is Jillian’s valet…” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Wow, I never realized how OOGly she is.
“Botox much?” – Hernandez
On why Jillian’s face is messed up..
“Austin was at Summerslam…” – Insyder BBrianBlair2
She explains her wisdom teeth just came out. She’s going to sing tho… so she hands Davairi her bloody gauze. I’m not entirely sure what this is for… but Davairi sings WITH her.
“They’re going to BOLLYWOOD!” – Hernandez
Ok, Davairi saves this bit. As Cody Rhodes and Mickie come on down.. nice mix.
MICKIE & CODY vs. DAVAIRI vs. JILLIAN
Nobody in this match does steroids…
“Maybe the referee.” – Me
“Mickie though.. LOTS of ecstasy..” – Jeffrey
Jillian and Mickie start up, and Jillian asks for her to avoid her mouth. Pushes Jillian to the corner, pushed out and a kick. Hair pull down from Jillian. Clothesline from Mickie to respond.
Mickie throws Jillian to the corner, reversed and she eats a back kick as Jillian is crying over her mouth. Tag to Davairi.
In comes Cody. Armdrag to Davairi. Shouldercheck spot. Another armdrag set with Cody ending on top. Wrings the arm a few times. Davairi pushes him to the corner, and hits a shoulderblocker. Throws Cody to the corner, but Cody leaps him only to eat a dropkick for two.
Davairi hits a bodyslam, hits the Allah-Elbow.
“Davair’s elbows don’t look that effective.” – Hernandez
“They have Allah behind them!” – Me
Mickie bounces on the outside while Davairi continues on the offensive with Cody. Elbows driving into his shoulder and a kneedrive into Cody’s back.
Cody fights out of it, and drops Davairi, looks like a set-up for a figure four, but it’s pushed out. He gets thrown to the ropes and a bulldog! He pins Davairi! TWO with Jillian running in. She gets attacked by Mickie while Cody hits his DDT and the win.
“So Cody still doesn’t have any real finisher? wait did his dad have any real finisher?” – Insyder Soak1313
“FatDust had the Bionic Elbow and the Figure Four. Cody has the generic rookie finishers or the High-cross Body and the DDT.” – Insyder kromadas
WINNER: CODY & MICKIE
“New relationship angle?” – Jeffrey
“Na.. this was Cryme Tyme’s spot tonight.” – Me
Here comes Umaga & Carly…
“Umaga’s going to turn on Carlito isn’t he?” – Jeffrey
“If by turn on Carlito you mean don’t come back by 30 days..” – Dani
COMMERCIAL – 10:28
Ahh, here comes Hunter, looking amusingly more defined this week.
“It’s all about the water…and how you spray it!” – Insyder Madhatternalice2
Carlito’s here… it seriously looks like he fell asleep with gum in his hair.
“And Carlito ranks in at 6 inches shorter tonight.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Beware, Umanga broke out the grills again.” – Insyder SychoJason
“Well, he needs SOMETHING to do during his suspension.” – Insyder bluelobster
UMANGA & CARLITO vs. TRIPLE HAITCH
Someone is not WALKING out of this match..
“Carlito is still pumping Umaga up.” – Lawler
“Bad choice of words Jerry” – Me
So Carlito in the ring with Hunter throwing him corner to corner and Hunter hits a clothesline. Now in the corner he punches the hell out of Carly, and throws him by his short lil curly hairs.
“A move that doesn’t hurt my legs!” – Bill
Hunter throws Carly to the ropes and Carlito gets a hit in the gut. Now Hunter charges Umaga and in he comes. Umaga rips off his beads in an almost ‘roid’ like rage. Carlito comes on in and now there is the double attack and we get to DQ time.
WINNER: TRIPLE H via DQ
They continue to beat on him… Carlito hits the backstabber.
“MY KNEES MY KNEE… Wait.. no.. I’m ok.” – Hernandez as Hunter
Umaga then hits the flying headbutt and they set Trips in the corner. Umaga beats on him while Carlito grabs a few chairs. Carly sets the chair up on Hunter’s face while Umaga goes for the buttbounce.
Umaga charges. Trips moves. Hunter grabs a chair and hits Carlito once. Umaga eats a SOLID chair shot… then TWO. THREE.
“This is Hunter going… You f*cked up!” – Me
“BAD UMAGA! NO STEROIDS!” – Bill
Hunter looks at the chair and seeks a moment of compassion? Nope.. he heads to the outside and grabs the sledgehammer. Carlito, as a note, just bailed.
“I see that HGH + Samoan blood is like a +10 modifier against chairshots to the head.” – Insyder BBrianBlair2
Hunter sizes up Umaga… he turns and EL-KABONG! Umaga’s bleedin.
“Umaga jus pawn in chess game of Liiiiiiiiife.” – Me
Umaga fights to get to his feet as Hunter watches him… paces around him… ONE MORE SHOT! Umaga’s dead.
“SEE THIS… NO STEROIDS!” – Jeffrey
“Not RECENTLY anyway…” – Me
In the back.. here comes Vince and Coach!
“Bluest suit… ever.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – 10:44
“And we’re not even done yet! we still have mcmahon shennanigans!” – Insyder Madhatternallice2
“McMahonnigans?” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
Heeeereee’s Vince! No Chance kids! No Chance in Hell!
He tells us his name. He explains he is the patriarch of the McMahon family. It’s about one thing..
“Money money.. yeah yeah..” – Hernandez
“Not anymore.” – Dani
“We have to keep the faith alive.” – Hernandez
“You taking it back?” – Dani
Vince explains his family wants a hand out. Linda gets the old Wrestlemania music… here she is… strutting.
“STOP STRUTTING! CAMERA THREE TURN OFF!” – Hernandez
So Linda asks why she doesn’t have an attorney. She doesn’t NEED money. She’s the CEO of the WWE, INC. Now thanks to Coach, since he strutted all these women that Vince slept with, she could take him for everything he’s got.
“All this talk about money makes me miss ted dibiase” – Insyder Razor Mike
Vince explains that he was out on the road those LONELY nights..
“The excuse of EVERY wrestler from the 80s.” – Hernandez
…building this empire.
“Way to go Nero..” – Bill
And heeere’s Stephanie! Vince tries to stop her from talking before she starts. He calls her the ‘volatile’ one. Vince tries to explain what he’s done FOR you…
“Have the Undertaker kidnap you… letting Macho Man diddle you.” – Hernandez
“Dig it!” – Me
We get a Stephanie video package… fantastic… Vince wrestling his daughter. Brilliant.
“They play this during Father’s Day at the McMahon House.” – Hernandez
“Wait.. and VINCE was never on steroids?!” – Dani
“Aww, a video of Vince’s domestic battery. How sweet. Because 2007 is the year to be showing video packages with a dad strangling his children.” – Insyder bluelobster
“Why does it matter? Nobody has ever been famous in the WWE for a crossface-like choking technique which was allegedly used to kill his own son. I would remember that.” – Insyder El Australiano
Coach explains that the video was sabotaged with a perfect Triple H on the Titantron spot.
“GTV strikes again!” – Hernandez
He says he didn’t do it. Says hi to Stef and we go back to the ring. Steph explains she LOVES her father.
“Waaaait a moment..” – Hernandez
He needs help.
“And I’d liiike to help daddy..” – Me
So Steph thinks Vince should step down. Wait.. HERE COMES THE MONEY!
“It’s a serious moment, but there’s always time for Shane to bust a move.” – Bill
“Theme done by… Cryme Tyme.” – Hernandez
“There goes the monnneyyyy” – Jeffrey
So Shane gets in the ring and Vince asks if he thinks he should step down. Shane wants to know if this is the Vince that is a fearless leader and pioneer. OR! Is this the Vince with the arms flapping, death faking, egomaniacal lunatic.
Vince saves the ‘Asshole’ chant by explaining the fans are calling Linda that.
Shane explains that Vince DOES need some help, and if he wants to change, the family want to help. Shane then explains that he always DID want a brother. Steph looks at him oddly…
Vince explains that all the affairs that the Coach explained were all untrue. It was solely to build his own ego. He has been unfaithful to Linda only once.
“To Terry Bollea..” – Me
“I thought it was You.. it was Stephanie’s room.” – Hernandez
Vince DOES feel like he can change though. He feels like humbling himself before Linda. He gets down on one knee.
“HUMMMBLE!” – Hernandez as Iron Shiek
It should be noted that Soak1313 said the same thing, but all things being equal, Hernandez gets credit first. Just wanted to make sure Soak knew I saw and still love him.
“Vincent Kennedy McMahon = B. Brian Blair (not me)?” – Insyder BBrianBlair2
“Is he proposing to Shane?” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Henceforth, he vows to be a better father, a better dad..
“A better boss? naaah…” – Hernandez
All this is stopped byyyyy KENNEDY!!!!!!!
“…poor Kennedy…” – Dani
“Maybe Kennedy can save this crap” – Insyder madhatternalice2
“I don’t think so, and you know why?
SIGNATURE….PHARMACY. PHARMACY.” – Insyder bluelobster
He gets into the ring and struts around everyone. He explains that he is here because everything happens for a reason. Kennedy is under the assumption that ‘HE’ is in fact Vince’s son. He then explains I’m your son.
“But you won’t let me work for the next month.” – Jeffrey
Steph explains that he may be ‘A’ bastard, but he’s not ‘THIS’ bastard. Kennedy tells Vince he doesn’t have to change. If it was up to him, his Dad would be MORE outrageous. MORE over the top.
If Vince had NEVER been that maniac…
“We never would have had a Mantaur!” – Me
…he never would have been the greatest WWE superstar of all time. He could listen to his OLD family. He should though, listen to his son… MISSSSTERRR KENNNEDY …….KENNEDY…… McMAAAAHON…. brilliant.
Vince and Kennedy embrace, but we are stopped by a man directly from the 1970s.
“Kennedy Kennedy has fainted. Do you wish to choose another Pokemon to be your next main eventer?” – Insyder BBrianBlair2
The DNA tests are in.
It is a superstar.
It is NOT Mister Kennedy.
“I didn’t take them.. I swear..” – Hernandez
In accordance with his client, it will be revealed next week.
Here’s the clue though:
“Things are looking up.”
“Owen?” – Hernandez
“We all thought it..” – Me
So what did we all think?
“Decent show for what I saw.” – Jeffrey
“The McMahons, bringing back the bomb since Labor Day 2007.” – Hernandez
“All of the greatest reasons to watch Raw are now gone.” – Dani
“More title changes, than the last two PPVs combined… thank Chris Benoit for giving the writers a reason to be creative.” – Me