Welcome to week 25.
First off, some of you e-mailed me checking up on my health status after my car accident. I am doing fine, just a few cracked ribs and some soreness in my shoulder. My car, on the other hand, is currently being crushed into a tiny cube. Heartbreaking.
Seeing as I am still swamped and in major pain, I will be keeping my pre-column stuff to a bare minimum. I’ll just say that my boy Eric is still going strong in Big Brother and I loved the finales of Entourage and Conchords. Oh, and the Florida Gators are undefeated and will repeat as National Champions behind the amazing being known as Tim Tebow. He15man, baby.
So, the Wellness Policy is in full effect, kicking ass and-for the first time ever-taking names. Heads seem to be rolling as Vince is sacrificing anyone he can to appease the Holy Order of Congress, and it is again the viewer that is suffering. Case in point, last night’s RAW. It is that contention that leads to today’s point:
For Your Consideration Things Aren’t Looking Up
Get it? Because they said the clue about Vince’s kid was that things are looking up! Hilarious. Play that fiddle while Rome is burning, I always say. This past week’s RAW was just one big punishment session. This was Vince’s way of killing off characters (but like any soap opera or comic you know they’ll come back) so that he could distance himself from the controversy.
After reading the ECW results, it became clear that if your name was associated with the online Ã¢â‚¬Ëœroids report that you were going to get screwed over. That theme was solidified as soon as I found out that there was going to be a Jeff Hardy/Umaga match. Apparently steroids is worse then unprofessional behavior (which makes Orton 0 for 2). When Umaga dropped the belt, the writing was etched into the wall.
William Regal was accosted by John Cena and with a simple line about Coach stepping up again, Regal was relieved of his GM slot.
With Cryme Time kicked to the curb (makes sense since they were getting over), the WWE needed #1 contenders. Again, the poor behavior of Paul London was supplanted by the drug abuse of Charlie Haas, and suddenly Haas was taking the pin in the middle of the ring.
Oh, and Orton? Not even in the building. Yeah, tape your little speech and go the f*ck home.
Then you had Hunter kill Umaga. I mean he slaughtered him. Multiple chair shots AND the sledgehammer? See you later, Jamal.
There was one name left, however. One guy they couldn’t f*ck over. That man was the worst kept secret in the history of storylines, Mister Kennedy McMahon. Would they really pull the trigger tonight and reveal that he was the bastard McKid? Yes! He came to the ring with the look of someone about to take over the most important storyline of his career. The WWE wasn’t going to f*ck this one up, were they?
Wait this is the WWE. They are the captains of the knee-jerk reaction. So, with a convenient twist of the plot, Kennedy was outed as not being the 3rd McMahon. Who can it be now?
Steroids are “badÃ¢â‚¬Â. I say that because there are many different types of steroids out there with various degrees of danger. People make a choice to take steroids. They do them in football and baseball and even golf. Steroids are bad, but they are not necessarily fatal. These people are making a decision to take a calculated risk. While they should be discouraged, this punishment is a bit extreme. It’s extreme not just to the wrestler but to the fans.
Now we have to suffer because of prior transgressions. These violations haven’t occurred since February according to the reports. This is the epitome of overkill here. The WWE laid the groundwork for the “missing childÃ¢â‚¬Â storyline so long ago that whatever half-cocked payoff they concoct is going to be subpar at best. This sucks if you’re a fan. And what good does this do? Everyone knows that wrestling isn’t clean. It doesn’t stop us from tuning in. What does stop us is bad storylines and crappy wrestling.
Who suffered here? Well, CM Punk for one. Instead of getting his big title win on a PPV, he gets it on a taped episode of ECW. Hopefully enough people will tune in to see this in an effort to pop the ratings, but since most people know what happened they probably will blow it off. Then, when it gets a low rating, creative can blame Punk’s lack of being over.
The mystique of Umaga took a hit. They spent all this time building up a mythical beast of a character and he loses his title to Jeff Hardy looking like a guy that can’t count and then gets decimated by Triple H.
Worst of all, Mister Kennedy is screwed again. His injuries cost him his MITB match and now this scandal has cost him the McMahon storyline. Not only that, it cost the WWE a new main event heel.
There’s a PPV next Sunday and I don’t know what’s going to draw the fans in. Taker? He can’t get me to tune into Friday Night Smackdown, let alone pay money to see him wrestle. Cena/Orton 2? Seen it. This PPV is shaping up to have no Kennedy, no Booker, no Morrison and no Umaga. With the exception of Booker, these are homegrown talent. They are the people that the WWE jammed down our throat to support. Now the WWE isn’t even supporting them.
The beauty of the old Wellness Policy was that even if someone was suspended, they were kept on camera to keep up their storylines. This new slash-and-burn technique will fail because it doesn’t accomplish any goals. It won’t appease Congress and it won’t placate fans. The fans don’t care who’s on steroids. We just assume everyone’s on the juice and are pleasantly surprised when they aren’t.
We hate Barry Bonds because his steroids cheapened the game. Wrestling’s so convoluted and phony that steroids didn’t corrupt the “sportÃ¢â‚¬Â, they built it.
This has been for your consideration.