GRUT Presents ROH Presents This Means War II!

Reviews, Wrestling DVDs

DVD opens with Daizee Haze cutting a really crappy promo on Sara Del Ray. I mean it’s just horrible, but she’s very pretty. She mentions something about peace and love or something.

Pelle Primeau vs. Kevin Steen opens the show. Steen’s my favorite in ROH right now and Pelle is a tiny nothing so this should be quick. Pelle slaps Steen in the face, couple of lucha moves, goes for a tornado ddt and gets thrown 10 feet in the air to the mat. Steen with a senton. Eye poke by Steen. Steen beating the crap out of Pelle. Steen with a rolling senton into the corner. If you’re ever confused about wrestling being fake, remember that in real fights you don’t use your back as a weapon. Pelle with a bunch of tiny man comeback moves including the tornado DDT and double foot stomp, but he gets caught and squashed. Pumphandle slam to the knee, powerbomb to over the shoulder folded toss, and finally a package piledriver finishes it for Steen. Nice showcase for probably the best all around package in ROH right now.

After the match Kevin Steen shakes the lifeless hand of Pelle. Funny touch.

Next match is Daizee Haze vs. Sara Del Ray. Daizee is like the female RVD in that she likes weed. Everything else about the two is completely different. Big entrance for Sara Del Ray. She wears a shirt that says Death Ray which looks like it was made by hand with a black magic marker. Daizee is very pretty, Del Ray is a big woman who isn’t all roided up so she doesn’t look like Chyna. Some chain wrestling to start followed by three boob bashes by Sara in that she hit Daizee with her boobs. Daizee with an armdrag. Then another. Then Sara kicks the crap out of her when she tries it again. BODYSLAM by Sara. LEG DROP by Sara. CHINLOCK by Sara. All very high impact moves. They hang out in the chinlock for a bit. I heard Daizee sucks in the ring but she’s bumping pretty good. Suplex by Sara. Crossface by Sara from the Camel Clutch position. Whoever is providing commentary is bragging about how the chicks don’t take off their clothes in ROH. Super. Two fall away slams into pins by Sara. Chops by Daizee, but she runs into a boot in the corner. Top rope Hurracarana gets two for Daizee. Missle dropkick gets the same. Flipping German by Sara. Daizee’s bumping really well here. Odd butterfly submission into suplex, but Daizee lands on her feet, summersaults to nowhere and hits a sunset flip for the pin. Sara is an angry giantess.

The Briscoes cut a promo talking like black people, and why not? Oh, because they wear the confederate flag? Huh. Makes less sense now.

Erick Stevens vs. El Generico vs. Eddie Edwards vs. Jason Blade is next. Eddie Edwards has a horrible, horrible look. Someone yells out “WHITE ELIJAH BURKE!” Heh. Jason Blade gets too big an entrance. He looks like a member of the Heart Throbs. Crowd going nuts with the Ole’s for Generico. You want to get over in Ring of Honor? Give the fans something different to chant. I loved his recent match with Delirious, and his DDT where he leaps near a corner outside of the ring through the first and second rope and comes out the other side with a DDT made me lose my shit at a recent show. Blade and Edwards start it off. Arm drags and dropkicks abound. They tag in Generico and Stevens. They lock up, clean break with an OLE capper. Headlock by Stevens. Shoulder tackles by Stevens, arm drags by Generico. Chops and kicks exchanged until a powerslam by Stevens. Blade runs into an over the head belly to belly and Edwards gets his ass kicked as everyone attacks Stevens. Generico and Blade do a fun spot where Generico winds up dropkicking him in the back of the head. Stevens with a huge slam on Generico. Edwards back in to beat on Generico some more. Edwards unable to lift the 150 lbs of Generico in a suplex and winds up getting chopped. Generico tags in Blade. No one cares about Edwards or Blade, myself included. Erick Stevens tags in and beats on Edwards. They exchange chops. This is getting boring. More chops. Weak ass forearms by Edwards, they both no sell clotheslines, wind up on the floor and stereo dives from Generico and Blade. Very bored now. Generico with a rope climb and a tornado ddt. Everyone in and hits relatively big moves. Everyone down in the ring. Generico with a suplex into the corner on Edwards. Generico with a running big boot and brainbuster on Edwards. Stevens hits Blade with a top rope German which becomes a moonsault on Generico. Stevens with a pinning powerbomb on Blade and the match is over.

Austin Aries insults Generico’s chest hair and offers Stevens a chance to join the Resilience, his new group with the dumbest name EVER. What a dumb f*cking name. He then insults Erick’s Mohawk. This would set up the ultimate feud between Aries’ Resilience and Roderick Strong’s No Remorse Corps, the most awesome name for a stable EVER, until Aries left ROH to go fight Bob Backlund in TNA. Then Erick Stevens and Matt Cross got their asses kicked for about four months until Aries returned. Roderick comes out and the NRC attacks the R. “Welcome to Ring of Honor asshole,” Davey Richards greets Erick Stevens. Matt Cross comes out and does a cartwheel into a leap over the top rope flippy move, just like you would in a real life fight.

Delirious comes out to the ring, bahing and spitting and running. Colt Cabana’s music hits and the crowd goes nutty. Streamers for Colt, “Please don’t go,” chants. Colt shakes the stationary hand of Delirious, who goes nuts when the bell rings and rambles gibberish at Colt, but it’s a friendly gibberish ramble as he shakes Colt’s hand. Colt with an Indian deathlock but Delirious makes the ropes. He orders a break but Colt informs the ref he needs some help. Cute. Delirious rips off Colt’s boot, throws it at the ref. Colt then puts his boot back on. Thrilling. Lock up, Delirious with a neck pinch, Colt tickles him. They run the ropes until Colt tells Delirious to stop and look up. Delirious does and Colt takes him down. Ref gay jokes for a bit, then arm drags and a drop kick by Colt. Delirious goes under the ring. Colt waits a bit and then follows. Delirious comes back declares himself winner via countout, but it is not to be. Colt comes out wearing a yellow and red mask I’m sure has some significance. Delirious bails, goes under the ring and comes out wearing the yellow and red mask. Colt follows and comes out wearing the Delirious mask. He does the Delirious gibberish and then the never ending clotheslines. He throws Delirious to the corner, takes off the mask (to a great shocked crowd reaction) and misses a butt dive. Delirious with a kick to the butt, followed by punches to the butt, an atomic drop but that’s it. Delirious makes the ref kick Colt in the butt, Colt complains and Delirious roles him up for two. Double stomp to the butt by Delirious. Colt asks ref to check his ass. Delirious misses a top rope elbow. Colt with punches and a wind up punch to the ass. Delirious gets a cheap pin. Colt rubs his ass after the match. When Delirious hit the top rope elbow the ceiling was shown to have a lot of water damage. Someone get on that.

Next match is Claudio Castagnoli vs. Jay Briscoe. Mark has a concussion. Chain wrestling starts us off. Jay with a shoulder tackle and they do the bit where they stare at one another. See, they’re both so tough. Jay with a head scissor take down and then he stretches Claudio. Snap mare to drop kick by Jay. They do the chop bit followed by a body slam by Claudio. Shockingly it does not get three. Never ending giant swing by Claudio which ends earlier than usual. Snapmare and European uppercut to the back by Claudio. Jay misses a dropkick and Claudio drops an elbow. Suplex by Claudio. Jay runs into a European uppercut. They trade forearms, Claudio runs to the ropes but Jay chases him and clotheslines him to the outside. Jay throws Claudio into the STEEL barricade. Then he chops Claudio. He tries to throw Claudio inside the ring but Claudio leaps in the air, bounces off the ropes, turns around and clotheslines Jay into the crowd. Claudio puts the barricade on Jay and smashes it, hurting only himself one would assume. Jay back in the ring, Claudio takes too long to get in and Jay hits him with a flip over the top to the floor. Back in the ring and splash off the top by Jay gets two. Bicycle kick gets two for Claudio. German gets two for Claudio. DVD gets two for Jay. Looks like the back of Jay’s head is bleeding. Jay to the top and he’s caught with an uppercut. Rope climbing enziguri knocks out Jay. Claudio goes to the top with Jay and Jay hits a sit down suplex off the top. Claudio with a springboard European and the Waterslide for the pin.

Post match sees Claudio challenge for a tag title shot. Kevin Steen and El Generico come out and bitch about this. I have NO idea what Mark is saying. I heard the word reckon. They attack Mark Briscoe. Everyone fights. I love that El Generico is a good guy and Kevin Steen is a bad guy and for whatever reason they’re friends and tag team partners.

Brent Albright comes out for his match against Homicide. Julius Smokes is with Homicide and wearing a bullet proof vest. Smart decision. Albright attacks Homicide from behind. He kicks Homicide’s shoulder. Homicide turns it around. Homicide looks like a child in there with Brent. They take it outside and throw one another into the barricade. Homicide with a chair but the ref takes it away. Homicide turns to complain and Albright clotheslines him. Suplex gets two for Brent. Homicide with a bunch of punches and Albright sells ridiculously. Albright with an elbow which does not get three. More uppercuts. Shoulder tackle knocks Albright out of the ring and Homicide does a something con hilo into the front row. They are now fighting in the crowd. Albright suplexes Homicide onto a row of padded chairs. He then throws him onto another row of chairs. Albright throws Homicide into a wall. Albright places a chair on Homicide and screams at him. Homicide gets up and throws a plastic garbage can at Albright. Dive off a row of chairs by Homicide. He picks up and drinks garbage water. Ewww. Homicide throws Albright into more chairs. Thrilling. Homicide tries a dive off the guardrail but Albright catches him and tosses him into the guard rail. He does it again as Julius Smokes ejected for being too black. Chair to the throat by Albright. Homicide gets caught with a snap powerslam inside the ring. Albright with a big drop kick gets two. They fight on the top rope and Brent slips into the tree of woe. Dropkick to the face by Homicide. Swinging DDT by Homicide. Running elbow by Homicide. Knee strike by Homicide. This gets two. Homicide gets two with an ace crusher. Homicide back to the top rope but Albright meets him. Superplex by Albright. Neckbreaker by Albright. Homicide with the three amigos. Albright sent through the table he set up. These two counts are ridiculous. Whoever the ref is doesn’t commit to the 3 count. Brent blocks the cop killa. Homicide misses a spear and Brent nails a half nelson suplex. Homicide kicks out. A second one finishes it for Brent. Crowd BOOS. Shane Hagadorn runs out and get murdered by Julius and Homicide.

Rebecca Bayless interviews Chris Hero, Tank Toland and Larry Sweeney. “Get this thing in my mouth,” says Larry. Gay. I do think he’s excellent for what he does, and I especially like Tank Toland’s role.

Shingo comes out to fight Jack Evans, the blackest man in ROH. Jack is drinking some shitty energy drink. He dances. I don’t think Shingo is going to dance. Shingo is a monster compared to Jack. Flippy flips to headlock by Jack. More flippies leads to karate kick by Jack. Double stomp to moonsault botched by Jack. Kicks by Jack. Shingo is mad. Chop by Jack. Shingo is so mad he spinebusts Jack out of nowhere. Half crab by Shingo to pure choke. Shingo with a jump knee smash. Elbows to the head by Shingo. Shingo punches him in the guy. Jack reacted as though he was surprised by it too. Suplex by Shingo. Jack’s back and throwing forearms. Jack with headscissors off the top, then hits a 450 splash to the outside. Evans with a flippy for two. More flippies for two. More flippies for two. Shingo with a cool DDT for two. Spinning gut wrench suplex gets two for Shingo. Running knee gets two for Jack. Killer lariat only gets two for Shingo. That’s BS. Evans recovers immediately too. That takes me out of the match. Jack with his “I’M JACK” tree of woe double knee smash. He then hits the 630 and it’s over. Jack wins.

Here come the No Remorse Corps. It’s an elimination match. The Resilience charges the ring and a huge brawl breaks out. Cute spot as they fight around the ring and Davey Richards begs a fan for help. Rocky Romero and Matt Cross chop each other inside the ring. Crappy head scissors by Matt Cross. Stevens and Strong are tagged in. They beat on each other a bit, then Richards comes in. He chops Stevens a few times but Stevens no sells it. Cool clothesline bit by Stevens on Rocky. Matt Cross tagged in. It’s him and Richards, who thus far is impressing me with his heel mannerisms. Big kick by Aries to Richards. Stevens back in and the crowd is chanting Choo Choo at him. Double team by Aries and Stevens. Lots of action. Too much action. Ah, screw it. Good match. No Remorse Corps wins three to nothing in what could also be known as the Passion of Austin Aries.

In the main event Doug Williams and Nigel McGuiness defeat Morishima and Chris Hero when Nigel pins Hero after a pretty boring match featuring about a million f*cking European uppercuts. All you need to do is ban the European Uppercut and RoH would go out of business. Cool spot when Chris Hero called out some funny Japanese word and hit cool moves. What’s a kenta? Probably a Japanese dildo if I know Hero.

I like the company. I love the company. Skip this show.