The show opens up with an EXCLUSIVE performance by that person that I’ve sworn off writing about in The SMonday Swindle Sheet. Even though this isn’t The SMonday Swindle Sheet, I’ll keep it at a minimum by saying that she looked a bit less svelte than usual, and very awkward, and if this was supposed to be a comeback performance, it certainly didn’t cut the mustard. The song wasn’t even that good. Looks as if Rihanna’s having some laughs at her expense, and 50 Cent looks really confused. And that’s not all that he looks like…
And we are LIVE from The Palms in Las Vegas. Your host is Sarah Silverman, and 50 Cent again looks confused. Britney’s kids are the most adorable mistakes you’ll ever see. They’re as cute as the hairless vagina from which they came out.
Alicia Keys is here, as it’s apparently the BIGGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR. That’s an awkward silence, there. THat think I might have even some tumbleweed fly by the background. Well, it is in the middle of the desert. But somebody please throw her a bone out there. Kanye West is performing in his own private room upstairs, while Justin Timberlake and Timbaland are hosting the Southern Hospitality Party, Pete Wentz is hosting a Friends and Enemies Party, and his mic is broken. Maybe this is the best night of the year.
Here are Nicole Scherzinger and Eve. The nominees for Monster Single of the Year are:
The Repugnant Shunt “Girlfriend”
Fall Out Boy “Thnks fr th Mmrs” (because apparently emo kids don’t like vowels)
Rihanna f/Jay-Z “Umbrella” (ella)
Some Other Song That I Didn’t Catch
MIMS “This Is Why I Suck” (oops… I accidentally just typed what I was thinking instead of the actual title of the song)
Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah”
Shop Boyz “Party Like a Rockstar”
T-Pain f/Yung Joc “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)”
Timbaland f/A Whole Mess of People “The Way I Are”
Rihanna’s “Umbrella” is the winner, and she notes that the trophy is heavy. L.A. Reid gets props, as well as Jay-Z, who threatened to throw her out of a window if she didn’t sign with Def Jam. Looks like that was a good idea after all.
Kanye’s upstairs performing that Daft Punk rip-off song, while everyone’s wearing those ridiculous venetian-blind glasses. This program is brought to you by Pepsi Smash, Taco Bell, Chevy and Rhapsody.
Here’s Akon with the Max Weinberg 7 Featuring Mark Ronson, and Akon’s the first one to get bleeped all night. Trust me, Akon, I know what it’s like.
Seth Rogan and that guy from Saturday Night Live That Isn’t Andy Samberg are here to say that YOU can decide who wins Best New Artist by texting something to somewhere. Meh…
Gym Class Heroes
Peter, Bjorn and John
Jennifer Hudson and Robin Thicke are here to introduce the nominees for Quadruple Threat of the Year, which is awarded to singers who also do three other things besides sing. LAME. The nominees:
Jay-Z (isn’t CEO and businessman the same damn thing?)
Justin Timberlake is your winner, and he accepts his award amid a sea of women, as he challenges MTV to PLAY MORE VIDEOS.
Aw darn, they got Fall Out Boy’s microphones working again, as they’re performing “Thnks fr th Mmrs”. Are every single one of these performances going to take place in these small rooms instead of on the main stage? I wonder how many blowjobs that underage-looking chick in the sequin dress had to give to get here.
Foo Fighters are among the acts performing in cramped hotel suites, and has anyone else ever thought that the drummer kind of looks like a full-size midget?
Kanye and 50 are out together to present the award for Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration, and they look really uncomfortable, kind of like when you were a little kid and your grandma made you and your little sister hug for a picture on Christmas. The nominees:
Akon f/ Eminem “Smack That”
BeyoncÃ© f/Shakira “Beautiful Liar”
Gwen Stefani f/Akon “The Sweet Escape”
Justin Timberlake f/Timbaland “SexyBack”
U2 and Green Day “The Saints Are Coming”
Interesting to note, Kanye says “and the winner is…” and just as 50’s about to say it into his mic, Kanye cuts him off and announces that it’s BeyoncÃ© and Shakira’s “Beautiful Liar”. Hilarious. While Shakira’s not here, BeyoncÃ© thanks her, saying that she’s not able to be here because she’s in Canada. Isn’t that why Trevor Presiloski’s not here, too?
Adam Levine is singing with the Max Weinberg 7 Featuring Mark Ronson, and he looks like an absolute choad. Maybe Maria Sharapova will sleep with me, because while I’m no adonis, I’m certainly not a choad.
T.I. is performing in the Justin Timbaland room, and here’s Rosario Dawson telling you to go to MTV.com in case you missed anything from the show. She also introduces ONE OF THE BIGGEST STARS IN THE WORLDâ€”Chris Brown. He’s performs “Wall to Wall”, and he’s doing a Charlie Chaplin homage at the beginning to the song, before tearing off the mustache and CUTTING A RUG. Just when I start to get really irritated, here’s Rihanna with those fantastic legs to save the day. Memo to Eric S.: being a fan of legs (i.e., Stacy Keibler), you should really look into some Rihanna footage. BUT WAIT… Rihanna’s gone, and Chris Brown’s back with an impression of Jacko dancing to “Billie Jean” before finishing up with the end of “Wall to Wall”. That right there was one hell of a Chinese Firedrill, as Nelly looks completely confused by everything. Even his little Band-Aid on his cheek looks confused.
Soulja Boy is in the Kanye West Room, performing that horrible song that sucks more balls than that Lottery machine that sucks the balls into the tube so the person drawing them can turn the numbers toward the camera. And that thing sucks a lot of balls.
The sluts from The Hills are here to present the award for Male Artist of the Year. The nominees:
And YOUR winner is Justin Timberlake, as he comes up to the stage with Timbaland, who grabs the trophy from the sluts and presents it to Timberlake himself. Good show, old man. Justin still wants MTV to play more videos. I agree, but when Tila Tequila is getting her own reality show (where 16 lesbians and 16 straight guys have to compete for her bisexual love), I think that the network’s pretty much stumbled past the point of no return.
Cee-Lo is singing “Darling Nikki”, with the Foo Fighters as his backing band, and that’s awesome. This guy kicks all shades of ass. I can say “ass”, can’t I, Widro? Come on, if the University of Phoenix is going to turn down ad space because I said “ass,” then the University of Phoenix can kiss my ass. Meanwhile, 50 Cent is out of his suit and back in his streetwear (including the ubiquitous condom hat), as he’s performing in the Justin Timbaland Room.
Shia LaBouf is here, and the new Indiana Jones film will be called The Secret of the Crystal Skull or something like that. The nominees for Female Artist of the Year are:
Fergie is the winner, and she’s not here to accept her award, so Ludacris will accept… no, wait, he won’t. So Shia LaBouf is bumped off the stage quickly so Pam Anderson can introduce Kanye West’s performance of “Good Life”… featuring T-Pain. Ooh, that’s rough.
Lil Weezy is in the Fall Out Boy Room, and that right there, ladies and germs, is YOUR biggest fustercluck of the night.
Linkin Park is in the Justin Timbaland Room, as Mike Shinoda is the second person to get bleeped.
Kevin Connolly and Adrian Grenier are here is present the award for Best Group. Isn’t this supposed to be for particular videos? What’s the deal with these broad awards? Can this thing become any more of a mess? The nominees:
Fall Out Boy
Gym Class Heroes
The White Stripes
Fall Out Boy is the winner, and they’re happy that kids are picking up guitars to start crappy bands of their own, because it makes Fall Out Boy’s crappy music seem better. Well, I guess that’s one way of looking at it.
Serj Tankian is in the Foo Fighters Room, and he’s no doubt angry about something. Meanwhile, Rihanna is in the Fall Out Boy Room, and her hair is kind of similar to Pete Wentz’s, except she’s a girl, so she doesn’t look like a boner.
And here’s Nelly with a Solo cup full of beer, and he introduces Alicia Keys, who performs “No One”. She is hot tamales, but it seems as if she’s a bit off-key today. Of all people to be off-key, it sucks that the one person whose name is Keys would be the one. But wait… she regroups and it’s a cover of “Freedom ’90”, complete with gospel choir. That’s good stuff.
Let us take you back to the Kanye West room, where Common is performing. Interesting to note has recently eliminated swear words from all of his songs. Believe me, Common, I know what it’s like.
The Gym Class Heroes are in the Fall Out Boy Room doing something that I don’t care about.
Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner are here, Jamie Foxx needs to bring it down a notch. He gets bleeped, and believe me, Jamie Foxx… ah, never mind. They’re out to present that award for Best New Artist. I think I’d be entertaining if Peter, Bjorn and John won because of all the indie kids that would whine because they’ve been making music for over 5 years. But no, Gym Class Heroes are your winners, and Jamie Foxx starts jawing with The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain. Please, Jamie, kick the crap out of him.
That one Miss Teen USA chick who went on a long rambling speech about maps and South Africa is here to make fun of herself and tell you to vote for your favorite VMA moments at MTV.com.
Daniel Merriweather is singing that terrible Smiths rip-off with the Max Weinberg 7 Featuring Mark Ronson, and luckily it gets pulled pretty quickly so that we can have Mary J. Blige to introduce THE MOST IMPORTANT PRODUCER OF OUR TIME. Mathan will not be happy about this one, as it’s Dr. Dre, and he’d better watch out for any Suge Knight acolytes that might be hiding in the audience. Detox is coming eventually, but for now he’ll be announcing the Video of the Year. The nominees:
Rihanna f/Jay-Z “Umbrella”
Justin Timberlake “What Goes Around… Comes Around”
Kanye West “Stronger”
Amy Winehouse “Rehab”
Rihanna is the winner, and Kanye is thankfully nowhere to be seen. She forgot to thank her management earlier, so they get props now.
The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain is here with Yung Joc. The party won’t be over until Diddy says it’s over. Shut up, Diddy. Seriously. You are a waste of skin. Luckily his speech gets cut short and it’s Josh Homme and company in the Foo Fighters Room.
Oops… spoke too soon. The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain is back with Nelly to introduce a Timbaland medley, starting with Nelly Furtado, and some guy’s head gets in the shot. It’s kind of like that bootleg of Fahrenheit 9/11 that I bought from that guy in Chinatown. Here comes Timbaland, and Keri Hilson is here for a rendition of “The Way I Are”, and here’s that other guy to perform “Lovestoned”, as it’s become evident that he and Timbaland can’t be apart for too long. Poor Magoo… not only did Timbaland pretty much quit him like a bad habit, but now he has to watch Timbaland partying it up all night with his replacement. Magoo never got that kind of love.
That’s the end of the show. Sway will be hosting the after-party, and I will be taking a pass on that. This show was as a whole pretty lame, and the performance that was supposed to be the comeback for you-know-who ended up being a flaming pile of crap. Plus, the separate parties idea kind of took away from the awards show, as it was too much stuff going on all at one time.