Monday Night Rabble

WEEK ONE

AFTER THE FLOOD… so to speak…

LET’S FIND OUT WHAT’S LOOKING UP

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

For those that are joining us for the first time, let me explain the Rabble. We all watch professional wrestling. It’s a curse. Anyway, because professional wrestling is a high brow mix of physical prowess and complete insanity – we have taken a page from Mystery Science Theatre and are riffing on all we see.

The opinions and humor here is solely for entertainment purposes.

This is the Rabble – Starring:
The Spanish One – Hernandez
The Feminine Male One – Mike
The Arguey One – Bill
The Bartending One – Jeffrey
The Girly One – Dani
And the Hosty One – Me

Hey, it’s Mr. McMahon!

Vince already is discussing his ONE simple transcretion. We of course got the hint last week of ‘Things Are Looking Up’… nobody knows what it means though.
“It means that they don’t know either.” – Me
“Out of the three I heard.. I want none of them.” – Hernandez

He also tells us that the superstar is NOT from Green Bay, Wisconsin.
“Because he’s suspended for 30 days.” – Bill

‘Mr. Kennedy should be suspended for emulating a McMahon.’

So who is it? Vince wants to know!

Cue…. Khali?!?!?!?
“He might have been the bouncer at the bordello… but no.” – Hernandez
“His interpretor?” – Bill

So down comes Khali.
“That’s like… ten OUNCES of gold on him.” – Hernandez

Khali then begins to talk….
“IF I CAN GET ALONG….” – Me

He continues.
“…AND WE CAN GET ALONG…” – Me

The interpreter grabs the mic and says,
“He said.. he’s your son.” – Bill

Khali apparently has insight into this entire thing.
“HOW?” – Hernandez
“He can’t read!!!” – Me

Khali wants to be known as ‘The Great McMahon’. Now, cue JBL?!
“JBM?” – Bill

JBL comes on down talking to Vince about what he and JBL love the most.
“Nazis?” – Dani
“Fago?” – Hernandez
“Oil?” – Bill

Of course, money. He then says to put ‘Big Gulp’ on a leash. He explains that he’s made money all over the world and he can document that things are looking up. They are both selfmade millionaires and Vince is a billionaire. They are both sexual tyrannasauruses.
“I WANNA BE A TYRANNASAURUS! RawwwRRRRR” – Dani
“A sexual tyrannasaurus?” – Hernandez
“…no.” – Dani

So yeah, he wants to be JBM.
“John Bowel Movement?” – Me

Cue Jeff Hardy’s music…. how is this even possible!?!?
“Ironically, he just wants to announce he’s Lita’s brother.” – Me
“Don’t give him a mic!!!” – Dani

Coach asks him what he’s doing out here and his response is ‘I’m not really sure.’
“Why’s my shipment delayed?” – Hernandez
“I heard there was candy in the ring!” – Me

Vince tells him that he looks nothing like his brother, so maybe he could be Vince’s son – to which Jeff wants someone to tell him that he’s NOT Vince’s son. He and JBL then discuss each other’s haircuts.

Finally, the actor that plays the lawyer appears on the Titantron. So Vince finally asks him who is it. The lawyer explains that they aren’t going to show until she’s ready.. later in the show.
“Main event revealing?!” – Me
“She wants the ten o’clock spot?” – Me

So he then says that he will reveal that Jeff Hardy is NOT Vince’s son – Jeff cheers – and gets put in a match against The Great Khali.

COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15

Hey it’s the former Tag Team Champions! London & Kendrick. We get shots of them winning the titles and then them losing the titles.. so they are at least acknowledging them.

Seems it’s a rematch, as here comes Cade & Murdoch.

THE HOOLIGANZ vs. THE CRYME TYME KILLAHS
Nobody is on steroids…

Oh wait.. I’m wrong…

PAUL LONDON vs. LANCE CADE
Woo.

Cade and London starting together. Hammerlock exchanges. Headlock takedown from Cade. London gets to his feet and pushes Cade ot the ropes. A leapfrom drop spot. London takes it with a headscissors from London.

Annoyingly the ref gets in the way.
“He’s fired..” – Jeff
“Yeah, he touched a ref.” – Me

Cade now on top with a belly to back suplex from Cade who moves into the chinlock, but London gets up quickly. Cade charges in and London lifts up his feet. On top of the turnbuckle – missle dropkick for two.

Back on their feet now London throws him to the ropes and a back body drop has hangtime for days. Cade hits a big clothesline and London goes ass over head.
“HOW DO YOU BUMP LIKE THAT!?” – Hernandez
“HBK vs. Hogan?” – Jeffrey

Cade brings London to the turnbuckle and they fight up on the top turnbuckle. London punches him off. Murdoch is coming after him, when the ref notices him and in runs Kendrick to hit the Sliced Bread! London runs over and hits the standing moonsault for the win!
“Did they win the titles?” – Dani
“No it was a singles match.” – Me
“Oh…” – Dani

WINNER: PAUL LONDON

Triple H is writing something… oh, he’s writing for us to go buy his new shirt.

COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:24

Security is standing outside awaiting the arrival of John Cena.
“I like that all those guys think they are going to stop Cena.” – Dani

Now we’re back to Vince and Coach in the back area. Coach is not going to let Cena to do Coach what he did to Cena. Coach might have who it is behind this door based on the WWE.COM poll. The number two person isssss… Stevie Richards.
“Dancin Stevie Richards?” – Hernande
“Right To… WHA?” – Me

Vince laughs his ass off. Who was number one for who they voted for? Triple H. Oh, it is to laugh.

We get a little Trips package – and now we go to an interview with Carlito.
“Floo-bito?” – Dani

His hair at least looks like it’s been sculpted a little better. Carlito apparently has gotten to pick his opponent for Triple H… someone who has beaten him before!
“Shelton.” – Hernandez
“Yep.” – Me

COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:42

Long Trips intro.. I finish my cigarette.. and here comes… SHELTON!
“CALLED IT!” – Hernandez
“There’s going to be a bleach spot in the mat.” – Bill

TRIPLE H vs. SHELTON

Trips hits him. He falls. Shelty comes out and punches and reversed – Shelty thrown into the ropes and caught. Suplex, reversed! He lifts for a belly to back… denied. Trips just hurls him into the corner.
“New tights!” – Hernandez
“They match his dueling face shirt! He’s got dueling butt cheeks.” – Dani

Trips then rings his arm and pulls him down HARD.
“Those wins.. mean NOTHING.” – Hernandez

Trips now heads out and he and Carlito have some words. Shelty baseball slides.. denied. He decides instead to throw Shelton into Carlito.

Commercial time.

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:45

We’re back to a hold spot.. that NEVER happens. Shelty has it on Trips and it’s a slow burn to get Trips to fight out. He, of course, does though. Sends him to the ropes. Picks him up.. Shelty sends it into a DDT! Hard!
“And that’s for my f*cking ARM!” – Me

Shelty goes back to the chinlock spot.

Hunter fights out and goes for the pedigree. Blocked and Shelty hits a springboard back elbow! Gets only two.
“Since when are Carlito and Shelton friends?” – Bill
“Same hairdresser.” – Me

Trips pushes Shelt to the corner, fought out and hits the ropes to be clotheslined down HARD! Shelty gets back up and hits the ropes again and eats the high-knee! Ropes again, and spinebuster!

Pedigree. Done.

WINNER: SHELTON… HA! Right..

Carly runs in with a chair, misses and Trips grabs the chair. Out runs Carlito – and Coach comes out to explain that his match at Unforgiven is a one-sided DQ match. Cute.

Event Staff outside checking for Cena.
“No security? Just event staff.” – Dani
“That’s all Vince could pay for.” – Mike

Randy on his way.
“The Father-Killer” – Bill

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:54

The Packers are here.

Here comes Randy! He’s a bezerker…
“HEY!” – Bill

RANDY ORTON vs…. a Microphone!

So Randy is in the ring with security surrounding to protect him.
“Cena under the ring?” – Bill

So it’s the 1 year anniversary of Cena winning the title. The biggest longest title…
“Sho-nuff.” – Hernandez
“He’s got the Glow?” – Dani

Cena runs through the crowd… Event security barely gets him as he comes ina nd attacks Randy. They are rolling all over the ring.
“Man goes into the ring – Cena’s in the audience – Our Cena” – Bill
“Lifeless eyes.. like a dolls eyes.” – Me

Randy backs off and Cena is blocked by ten men in pink shirts.

In the back, Vince and Coach argue.. but we weren’t listening. They turn a corner and it’s Cena still fighting through the pink shirts. Finally Vince gets in Cena’s face. Cena yells to Vince and explains, “Think of YOUR father!” and goes off on Randy… etc.. yadda…

COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:05

Jamie at the moment is still outside smoking and the fun has started.

Candice just came out in some outfit that both me(dani) and Hernandez are wondering how the hell she is going to wrestle in that. But thankfully, or unfortunately, she isn’t.

Next coming down the ring in all her bouncy glory is Mickie. Followed by the blonde girl who sings or something. Who knows.

Now the two of them are wrestling. Don’t ask me what they are doing. I think they are throwing each other into ropes and doing pins and being all chick fighting like.

Jamie is trying to take the computer away from me and it’s not working. I don’t know how he does this. He types really fast.

Oh look, Mickie punched the other girl. And now they are doing———-

Jamie’s back. Mickie kicks whazzerface with a nice capoeira style kick for the win.
“That was very nice.” – Hernandez
“And then she almost fell out.” – Jeffrey
“And that too was VERY nice.” – Hernandez

WINNER: MICKIE JAMES

In runs Beth Phoenix – clocks Mickie. Candice comes and tries to clear house, but ends up eating the fisherman suplex.

That’s that I guess. Hope you enjoyed the Dani-Commentary.

Soon – we find out who Vince McMahon’s son is..
“HARDCORE HOLLY!?!?!?” – Me
“Black Hardcore Holly?” – Bill

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:15

Here comes SaaaanTIIIInnnoooo!
“Someone’s NOT suspended!” – Dani

Wow, Marella is f*cking scrawny! That’s awesome.
“The tiger looks fat.” – Bill
“He looks sad because his cheeks are drippy.” – Me

He explains that it is a sad time for Italy, as Luciano has passed. which is good so he doesn’t have to see THE CONDEMNED on DVD… f*cking brilliant!

This is all stopped by Sandman coming through the crowd.
“McMahon’s son?” – Bill

Bell rings.

Sandman beats him into the corner. Throws him to the ropes and Santino hits a back elbow. Kicks keep him down. Slams him down hard and goes for a splash and eats some knees.

Santino rolls him out, Sandman leaps off the top… CRAZY! Santino grabs the kendo stick and hits Sandman with it for the DQ.

He now breaks it over his knee. Fails amusingly.

WINNER via DQ: SANDMAN

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:25

Maria’s in the back with Ron… she’s talking about how they should see other people. In runs Santino. Throws Ron into some kegs, stares down at Ron and screams.. ‘DAMN!’

Oh.. Divas… wooptyf*ck.
“King’s looking for his new girlfriend.” – Mike
“His next ex-girlfriend.” – Hernandez

It’s the Great Khali now.
“Workrate is on!” – Me

COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:35

On Smackdown, Khali squashed Rey’s head til he bled. Ewwww.
“Like a mexican kumquat!” – Hernandez

Here comes Jeff ‘I survived the scandal’ Hardy!

THE GREAT KHALI vs. JEFF HARDY
The only two left…

Jeff starts whiffing kicks on Khali. Punches him in the chest. He gets shoved down. Jeff hits the ropes and crossbody gets punched down.

Back elbows to Jeff. Jeff runs up the ropes and misses the Whisper.
“The Whiff In The Wind!” – Hernandez

Jeff hits the ropes, and a leg clotheslines him.

Now Khali awaits and grabs Jeff’s head. Shoving it into his gut.
“LICK MY BELLLLLYYYYYYYY!” – Me
“I’m crushing your head!” – Dani
“Nobody’s therrrreeee!” – Jeffrey
“I’m pinching yo cheeks!” – Mike

WINNER: THE GREAT KHALI

Music hits… Dave has arrived!
“Why’s Dave here?” – Dani
“They’re in love.” – Jeffrey

He hits the ring, spears Khali down and kicks him out of the ring. Dave.

Here comes Vince and Coach… finally we can learn.. geezus.

COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:47

Vince is down and here comes every superstar.
“Another wrestler died..” – Hernandez

Here comes Trips in his new white shirt.
“It’s funny that the outside of the ring weighs a good few hundred pounds less than when he did this the first time!” – Me

Vince’s bastard son is standing outside the ring.
“It’s a new title.” – Mike

The lawyer stands at the top. First he’s going to tell us who he is not.
“He’s not EXTREME..”
“They’re playing Guess Who?” – Bill

So all the ECW folks head on out. He’s happy about that, no matter how Extreme Vince is.
“Your son has a fondness for gold.”

So we can only assume he is or was a champion. Hacksaw has to leave.
“Just Hacksaw.” – Me
“Val gets to stay!” – Mike

“Your son is skin is fair.”

He then invites whomever is left in the ring.
“GROUP HUG!” – Bill

“Your son’s skin is fair, as is his hair.”
“Shelton comes running back out.” – Bill

The Kennedy chant is raucous. Vince explains he’s been suspended for impersonating a McMahon.

“Individual.”
So it’s only somone who has won individual gold. Out goes Cade & Murdoch. We’re left with JBL, Triple H, Sandman. (And we can assume Hornswaggle is under the ring).

“One final clue. Your son loves to play the game.”
“Wait for the swerve….” – Me
“Dude.. you banged your sister.” – Mike

Hunter grabs the mic and says he doesn’t like this anymore than you do. Vince even almost says he’s ‘married’…

So this past week, his son likes to play marbles. His son is.. in fact… god f*cking dammit.. Hornswaggle.

The only saving moment of this is Triple H cackling at Vince as Hornswaggle climbs from under the ring and starts dancing around Vince as Triple H rubs his head.

Trips is saving this bit as Horny hugs on Vince’s leg. Horn runs corner to corner. Hifives Trips.
“He’s already been accepted by part of the family.” – Jeffrey
“Good ol’ Uncle Hornswaggle.” – Bill

So… that’s it… as Hunter puts on Hornswaggle’s hat.

What did we think?
“*shakes his head*” – Mike
“Myeh.” – Dani
“Triple H made the show, otherwise a waste of my life.” – Jeffrey
“The best Raw I’ve ever seen.” – Bill
“I think it sucks when you have to rewrite stories on the fly.” – Hernandez

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