Welcome to a GROUNDBREAKING mash-up of The SMonday Swindle Sheet and The Wednesday Review Roundup. There are two reasons behind my doing this: (a) I was tired last week and was not able to finish The Wednesday Review Roundup, and (b) in case you hadn’t noticed, our server was down on Sunday and Monday, and those are he two days when I usually finalize The SMonday Swindle Sheet. After finding out that the server was jacked up, I stopped writing after whatever I had gotten done up until Saturday night. So, since I had part of a The SMonday Swindle Sheet from the weekend and part of a The Wednesday Review Roundup from last week, I decided to combine them into a GROUNDBREAKING mash-up. I am more prolific than Henry Miller.
Also, on a side note, Widro has curtailed all swearing and pr0n from the site, since it not only makes potential advertisers a bit weary to give us their money, but also gives the site a less professional look. I agree with this to an extent, so I will from this point forward be cutting back on the potty-mouth, and will also keep the NOT WORK SAFE photos out of the column. That’s a shame, too, as High School Musical‘s Vanessa Hudgens recently had a naked photo spread all over the Internet and I was planning on featuring it. But considering Widro’s decree, I’m opting against posting the pic; however, here is a link to a message board which may or may not have the photo embedded somewhere on it.
The-DREAM – “Shorty Is Da Sh-t! (10)”
From the album LOVEHATE (release date TBA)
Rap / Hip-hop
Stream it here and/or here
I hate giving bad reviews. I really do. No… I take that back, I enjoy giving bad reviews when it’s not something that I was specifically asked by the marketing company to review. They’re usually such nice people that I feel like an ass when I want to say that something sucks. That said, I really do not like this song at all. But what if I was able to shed my personal bias against current urban radio and give this a honest review? Would the majority of the people who read this column like this song? I guess that all depends on if you’re happy with the current state of urban radio (excluding Kanye West). If you are, then chances are the uninspired beat, littered with a melange of vocals including the R. Kelly-meets-T-Pain lead, and some guy in the background going “eh, eh, eh”, as well as some other schmuck going “AAYYYY!!!” (which is has become so incredibly played out that Henry Winkler should start getting royalties) will whet your appetite for more of the same old thing. Yes, it beats Sean Kingston and Soulja Boy, but I could rip ass into a microphone and loop it over anything in the Kenny G catalog and it would be better than either of those.
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
After repeatedly violating her probation over the past year, rapper FOXY BROWN was sentenced to a year in prison on Friday, by a judge in New York. It was ruled last month by Judge Melissa Jackson that Brown (née Inga Merchand) had been in violation of a three-year probation term—given to her after she attacked two employees at a manicure shop in 2004—over the past year in a group of incidents, including charges of battery and resisting arrest in February at a beauty store. Two of the incidents, however, happened just last month when she was accused of lying to police officers about her identity during a traffic stop and then attacking a neighbor with her cell phone, causing oral and dental injuries to the woman. While Foxy Brown is three months pregnant (which would be the perfect out for a sentence reduction, given her celebrity status), she might have to give birth in prison, which will give the child a great gimmick once he or she gets older and decides to pursue his or her own rap career.
Being the most patriotic man in America isn’t easy. In fact, it takes me 45 minutes just to get my hair this perfect, because much like democracy, a good head of hair must be earned. If I could send troops into Syria in the name of getting my hair as perfect as it could be, I would do it, because that’s the patriotic thing to do. That, and Syria is hiding all of Saddam’s WMDs. But regarding all of these rap singers and their legal woes, I think that rap music is one of the things that make the terrorists hate us in the first place, with their lyrics about guns and excessive swearing. I am with my friend Bill O’Reilly in saying that rap music serves no purpose and all rappers are probably breaking the law in some sort of way.
KANYE WEST recently insinuated in an interview (in which he both confirmed that he’s not gay as well as alienated any gay fans he might have had) that the reason why he’s been so successful in his rap career is because he’s got some feminine tendencies. “It’s like, what if your drawbacks ended up being your superpower?” West said in an interview. “I’ve always had an issue with masculinity. I’m like, ‘I hope this person isn’t looking at me like I’m a faggot ’cause I have some feminine ways.’ Maybe I’m not the guy who kicks off (a fight) in a club. Now I’m a 30-year-old, I’ve accepted that. … Because of that I’ve ended up having the No.1 album.” Yes, because we all know how much hip-hop fans love it when rappers act feminine.
Rapper TONY YAYO, who is accused of smacking the 14-year-old son of Czar Entertainment head Jimmy “Henchman” Rosemond back in March outside of the Czar Entertainment offices in New York City, apparently has a witness that claims that he saw the incident and Tony Yayo did not commit the act. Yayo’s lawyer, Scott Leemon, told reporters that the witness “clearly vindicates my client … [and] stated [in an affidavit] that he saw the entire thing and Yayo was not the person who slapped the kid.” While Leemon would not disclose the identity of the witness, he added that if he’s called to testify in court, the man has been advised by Tony Yayo’s legal team to not wear the Tony Yayo t-shirt and carry the large bag with a dollar sign on it, both of which he was seen with outside of the G-Unit offices late last month… by EXCLUSIVE private investigators for The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
For those of you were looking forward to THE GOSSIP‘s upcoming album, which was slated for a Nov. 20 release—as well as an accompanying tour in which you would have been able to singer Beth Ditto’s hairy armpits and sweaty, half-naked plus-size body—the album’s been pushed back, and the American tour has been cancelled as a result. I think I speak for everyone when I say that Beth Ditto’s armpits had better be extra hairy when they finally do decide to tour the U.S.
The Last Goodnight – Poison Kiss
Virgin Records (8/28/07)
Hip-hop
When I received this album in the mail this week, I was convinced that this was yet another cookie-cutter pop-punkish abomination who’d headline a Warped Tour or two before fading back into oblivion. From the band name, to the album name, to the cover art and the obligatory guy in the band with the emo haircut, I was already braced for the suckness before I even put the album in my CD-ROM drive. Luckily, however, I was wrong in my presumptions and this album ain’t half bad. Previously known as Renata, the Connecticut-based band changed its name by recommendation from Warner Brothers’ Vice President of A&R, Jeff Blue, who got the band their current record deal with Virgin. Some people might call that selling out, but… no, actually, that is almost the definition of selling out. In any event, I haven’t heard any of the band’s previous work (they won five awards over three years from the Hartford Advocate, for what it’s worth) so I can’t tell you if they’ve sold out with their music, too. While they’ve opened for Lifehouse, The Repugnant Cunt and Howie Day, I was mostly reminded of Maroon 5 and Ours, and the music, while nothing particularly prolific or pithy, is perfectly acceptable pop/rock. Several of the songs have jazzy elements, like the beginning of the title track and the end of “Back Where We Belong”. “This Is the Sound” and “Return to Me” are sultry pop ballads that show off singer Kurtis John’s vocal range, as his voice is certainly the most unique part of the group. “One Trust” would be the likely vanguard single, as it has the perfect pace and mixture of elements to be very marketable.
News Headline: Fergie to auction off Hummer
Well, this really comes as no surprise.
A song called “Mamacita”, which was aired on Pittsburgh pop station KIIS-FM last week, was being touted by the station as an EXCLUSIVE leak off of MICHAEL JACKSON‘s tentative upcoming album. However, Jacko’s spokesman Raymone Bain told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, shortly after the song was first leaked, that Jacko had no involvement in the song, and that it was all a hoax, adding that Jacko “has not released any music yet, and he is still too busy curling up inside of a cardboard castle while having a 12-year-old boy urinate on his face as a naked Verne Troyer throws peeled grapes at his buttocks to hit the studio.”
Singer FRANK BLACK recently told reporters that there would be no follow-up album to the PIXIES‘ 2004 reunion, which has since fallen apart due to lack of chemistry. He said that there had been plans to record a brand new album with band mates Kim Deal, Dave Lovering and Joey Santiago, but those plans were scrapped after the trio was unable to commit to such project, and that resulted in them once again going their separate ways. Black added that while he was disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to offer Pixies fans a new album, “at least I can give them Black Francis.” Oh great, just what we all wanted… more Frank Black solo material. Thanks a lot, Kim Deal, Dave Lovering and Joey Santiago, you’ve just ruined everything.
BLAUUGH!!! Look at me… I’m bloated!
News Headline: Barry Manilow cuts Rosie O’Donnell duet from new CD
Well, stone the crows. Maybe there is a God after all.
GWEN STEFANI recently told reporters that she’s shocked that she’s rumored to be on photographer/director David LaChapelle’s list of people with whom he’ll never work again. While MADONNA and CHRISTINA AGUILERA are confirmed to have been blacklisted by LaChapelle, Stefani claims that her inclusion on that list “is probably just rumors,” adding, “He’s very temperamental and that’s part of his charm. He’s hilarious… He’s one of the funniest characters I’ve ever met. … I’ve worked with him a lot and I love him… David is so talented and he’s such a character and I actually find him very, very attractive as well. I’m sure the next time I run into him I’ll give him a kiss on each cheek and we’ll laugh. After all, there’s no way that he could’ve been that upset about me trying to shove an umbrella up his ass during a photo shoot. Don’t gay guys like that kind of stuff?”
The very first acoustic concert on Mount Everest will take place on Oct. 13, and the proceeds from all downloads of the concert (available on iTunes) will go towards cancer research. The event, dubbed Everest Rocks, will feature singer/songwriter NICK HARPER, as well as SQUEEZE singer Glenn Tilbrook, STRAY CATS drummer Slim Jim Phantom, THE FIXX singer Cy Curnin and THE ALARM singer Mike Peters, showing that that’s where they’ve all been for the past 25 years—on Mount Everest.
Starkillers – Dirty Sound Vol. 1: The Injection
Made Records (8/28/07)
Dance / Electronic
Starkillers is the nom de plume of DJ/producer Nick Terranova (not to be confused with the German electronic group called Terranova), and this is a compilation of remixes that he’s done for artists including DJ Dan, Mr. Finger, iiO and himself. Opening track “Discoteka”, originally by and remixed by Starkillers is actually a pretty good club track that would be a floor-filler in most places were that’s the accepted fare. “Scream” is almost the same thing, except it integrates a nice electroclash element that ends up making it more original and therefore more inviting. The remix of DJ Dan’s club hit “Rok the Rhythm” is another nice one, while the Terranova & Austin Rework Edit of Angel Manuel’s remix of Mr. FIngers’ “Can U Feel It” is not only as much of fustercluck as it sounds, but it also does the original (a vanguard Chicago house track) absolutely no justice. In fact, it takes the original out into the street, anally rapes it, breaks a bottle over its head, spits on it and then doesn’t even call it the next morning. That marks the part where the album absolutely falls apart at the seams, with a mess of overly droning trance that even carries over into a remix of iiO’s “Is It Love”, and into the remainder of the album. The remix of “Rapture” (the last track) isn’t too bad, but it’s nowhere near the caliber of material at the beginning of the album. I wanted to hear more of what made the first three tracks exciting, but instead I became mired in a cesspool of crap trance. This album was like a crap sandwich, except instead of thicker whole-grain wheat (or perhaps pumpernickel) bread, it’s been wrapped in up in a thinner, more carb-conscious tortilla, which makes the taste of the crap a whole lot easier to detect.
Cheers
-JF2k7!
