D2 Review: Club VMAs

I don’t go to clubs for a reason. And the VMAs this year reminded me why. The sound quality is horrible, it’s overcrowded, and over-hyped. I think a blind and deaf person (or Helen Keller) was producing the award show no, Helen Keller would’ve done a better job. The hotel suites and lounges limited the artists to little or no movement except for the occasional sip of their cocktail. Crowds were screaming in the background and the sound quality was poor to begin with. Pete Wentz’s mike not turned on? Nice job, sound engineer #1. Now, back at the award show, the stages were set for incredible performances. Well, in theory.

Over-hyped is the understatement of the year as far as Brit Brit is concerned. “Hey, you know what would be great? If we began the show with a close up of the back of Britney’s head. And make sure you get a good shot of her matted extensions.” And where the hell was Chris Angel’s choreographed extravaganza? Wasn’t he supposed to make things disappear ‘n stuff? Oh, wait he did. It’s called Britney’s comeback. And apparently someone told her that sparkly lingerie makes you look thinner. Or maybe she was looking in one of those funny mirrors that distort your figure and she thought she was Gisele Bundchen’s twin. What she wore was only the first layer in the 7 layer disaster cake. I remember back in the day when Brit used to be a really good lip syncher. Hey, that’s how she got her reputation! Has this girl ever performed live? She used to flip her hair around so much you couldn’t even see her lip synching. Absolutely brilliant! Granted, she was fooling no one but it was a good cover. This time around, however, we didn’t get the hair flailing twirls. The hand or arm in front of her head. As a matter of fact, we didn’t really get any moves at all. She pretty much did a walk through of her routine, not even bringing her heartbeat up with her usual aerobic routines. Isn’t that the whole point of lip synching? Cause you’re dancing like you’re a gymnast doing a floor routine at the 2008 Olympics in China that you can’t even breathe, much less sing? Come on, Brit! Why you gotta keep making K-Fed look like the good one?

But enough about Britney. We had the hype before she performed and after she “performed”. Let’s talk about the winners of the night.

Chris Brown. Before he moved his big toe I said, “This kid can dance, lookout.” And he didn’t disappoint. He was moving like Plasticman. (Look that one up, kids. It was a great cartoon back in the day.) Now, here’s a perfect example of lip synching applied correctly. Even JT recognized it. Which brings me to the political statement of the night.

Justin Timberlake twice pleaded with MTV to bring back videos. And the most appropriate time was when he accepted his award for Best Male Artist by the 3 girls from The Hills. Just about slapped them in the face with the moonman with that comment, JT. But still, it was well noted and agreed that MTV should either play videos or change their name.

Rhianna won every award.
Kid Rock and Tommy fought cause they’re white trash. And what’s an award show without a fight?
Kanye West made an ass of himself again. His new song is so bad that he has to have dumb ole shades as props to distract you from his crappy song. Then he has to complain that he didn’t win an award again. And “can MTV give a black man a break?”. Yeah, Kanye, cause MTV is RACIST and doesn’t allow black people nor their music to be broadcast. Shut up, Kanye. And thank you for banning yourself from MTV. Please also ban yourself from radio, MySpace, Satellite television, cable television and all print media as well.

And the big winner of the night: Sarah Silverman. Not just for the comments about Britney, but for finally getting her hair did.

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