CPO: Where the Ruffalo Roam

Contradicting Popular Opinion

An Enquiry Concerning the Mark Ruffalo’s Inability to Justify his Existence

It is impossible for me to look at the above image and not think, “what a big ole bag of douche.” I hate his stupid face.

I don’t really know if this is an involuntary or irrational thing. It certainly feels that way. It feels like I hate him more than necessary. When all is said and done, he’s just some 40 year old shmuck from Kenosha. And Kenosha isn’t all bad right? Kenosha is the birthplace of Orson Wells.

So, at worst, Ruffalo’s a modestly talented and even less likable version of Vincent D’Onofrio. Or perhaps the poor man’s Joaquin Phoenix.

Yet, I hate him. I hate him like I hate parking tickets for street-cleaning. I hate him like I hate the band Rush or edamame.

I hate him like I hate stubbing my toe on a cold winter’s morning.

For his part, Mr. Ruffalo isn’t innocent. There are some key reasons to hate him.

First off, his last name makes me think of Buffalo ’66. Therefore, I often confuse him with Vince Gallo, who sure seems to be a despicable fella. Some of you might find him blameless in this regard. I consider those of you to be fools. As an actor, he could easily have changed his name to any number of things. He could have called himself something balls cool, like Kurt Awesome or Biff Headlock or Chisel von Uppercut. Yet he settled on the name arbitrarily doled out to him by his parents. What a tool.

Secondly, one must point to his performance in that 160 minute exercise in pointlessness, Zodiac. I realize that David Fincher is the most over-appreciated director this side of Tim Burton, but I can’t imagine that his direction is to blame for the strange ass, fakey voice put on by Ruffalo. This is unless, of course, Fincher advised Ruffalo to play the part as a 97 year old pedophile vampire with dementia. It’s like Mark Ruffalo is doing a bad Rod Stewart impersonation throughout the film. (I’m not trying to imply that Mr. Stewart is so young as 97.)

Third, he’s in 13 going on 30. No self respecting human being would see this film, let alone star in it. Not only is Ruffalo in the picture, his character’s name is even worse than his own: Matt Flamhaff. That’s not so much a name as something Jerry Lewis would shout for cheap French laughs. The Chisel von Uppercut sobriquet is looking pretty good now, huh?

Fourth, he’s also in Just Like Heaven. I don’t recommend viewing this film. If you do, however, I challenge you to sit through its 95 minute run time without wanting to irrevocably damage in some manner this Ruffalo creature.

I just want to shake him.

In all seriousness: Don’t let this happen to your movie.

He’s a mantard.

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