HORNSWAGGLE…
NUFF’ SAID
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So at Unforgiven, as far as Raw is concerned, nothing happened. So we shall assume it’s much like the last few months of PPVs… a loser. Cena now has the 7th longest title reign of all time. Next week, he moves past Savage.
Tonight, Vince talks to Hornswaggle. The f*ck.
Joining us tonight:
MIKE – Vince’s pool boy
BILL – Vince’s gardner
JEFFREY – Vince’s bartender
DANI – Vince’s french maid
Finally, your host and Vince’s secret idea fountain… James Hatton.
…Oh! I almost forgot, the Inside Pulse Rabblers – The Insyders! You too can be a Rabbler, head over to the forums and join us.. JOIN US!
We start with the field goal kick to Cena’s father’s head. Followed by Cena getting DQ’d because of his father last night. Followed up with the Last Man Standing moment from the Coach.
“That’s family.. that means..” – Cena
“Mohala.” – Mike
Starting the show with the Tennessee crowd mixed for Cena coming on out. He’s got the mic, and not even Lawler can sell Unforgiven.
“…and WHAT an Unforgiven it was” – Lawler
“He sounded sarcastic…” – Me
“Ladeef*ckingdah” – Bill
Cena comes out and wants to apologize for the last few weeks.
“I don’t accept.” – Mike
“Crowd booing Cena, What a GREAT start to RAW!” – Insyder Crippie
Tonight though, Cena feels great. He feels FABULOUS!
“..huh?” – Mike
“Be humbled!” – Bill
He wants to thank his father, he made him feel like the proudest son on earth.
“Unlike Hornswaggle…” – Me
Cena goes on to explain that he was not an intentional distraction. Randy Orton is stupid enough that he wants a rematch with John Cena.
“Wait.. but.. you’re the champ.. of course he wants a match..” – Me
So at No Mercy… it’s a Last Man Standing match. No rules. No DQ. No Countout.
“Wait.. that’s a lot of rules for no rules…” – Bill
At No Mercy he can do whatever he wants… he will go through Orton like a knife through hot butter.
“A hot knife through butter, John.” – Bill
Hey, here comes Coach at the top of the key.
“Remember when he just hosted Shopzone?” – Mike
Coach feels that since Cena got a modicum of revenge last night, Orton will get his tonight.
“A fieldgoal kick to the head match.” – Me
So Coach makes a match tonight, Orton versus Cena tonight. Coach met with Mister Cena this morning.
“Cena’s Dad on a pole match?” – Dani
Coach explained that he was going to strip Cena of the title, so Cena’s Dad begged. He said he would do anything to stop Coach from stripping the title.
“Diddling?” – Mike
“Annnnyyyything?” – Bill
“Coach could have stripped Cena of the title??? And why didn’t he?” – Insyder Crippie
“Because you touch yourself at night.” – Insyder DarkStar
“No, there has to be some other reasoning than that.” – Insyder Crippie
So, Orton is facing Cena’s Dad tonight. Oooooooooooooh.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
We’re back! Ross explains the crowd is still buzzing over the news we just heard.. HA, oh he’s a card. Later tonight McMahon will meet up with Hornswaggle. Now though, Jeff Hardy.
“Feel like dancin’ feel like dancin'” – Bill
“Jeff fight last night?” – Bill
“Nope. So, he too, did not lose his title.” – Me
And his opponent…
“Shelton shelton shelton shelton…” – Mike
SHELTON!
“Shelton vs. Hardy is a match to determine once and for all whose hair color looks the most fake. I’d to see this feud extended to No Mercy with a “Just For Men on a Pole” match.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
JEFF HARDY vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Shelton thanking Charlie Haas right now…
“Is this strange hair vs. strange hair?” – Bill
“On a pole.” – Me
Lock to start and Shelty knees Jeff and tosses him to the corner, grabs into a nice backbridge belly to belly for two.
Shelty continues to punch Jeff down. They get up and Jeff ducks a clothesline and then hits the double leg drop for two. Picks up Shelt and armwrings Shelton.
Ross makes a good point that between these two we’ve seen 7 Intercontinental titles. Sadly, neither have ever made the main event.
Shelty reverses the armbar into his own elbowlock. Hardy fights out of that, and Shelty backbridges down. Knees into Shelts arm. Throws Shelt into the corner and they fight against the ropes. Jeff gets hurled – holds on. Shelt charges, is thrown to the apron. They now fight for a suplex.
He dropkicks Shelt out and suicide dive!
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:21
We’re back… and a chinlock… shocker.
Shelty throws Jeff to the ropes and a face first drop for two. Kicks Jeff in the corner. Chokes him on the ropes. Tries for a pin and fails. Right back into the chinlock.
“Shades of Orton..” – Me
Jeff fights. Dragged down by the hair. Two count. Back on their feet, Jeff catches Shelt’s leg. Shelt goes for the spinning leg – Jeff ducks – double clothesline… DONE!
They both get up, and Jeff hits the spinning clothesline and the whisper in the wind. Goes for the twist of fate – DENIED GRABBED – BACKBREAKER! Ouchies! Two count.
Jeff tries to charge Shelty in the corner, WHIFF – Missed and the side russian leg sweep. Two count. Jeff now goes for a suplex, beautiful reverse DDT forrrrr TWO!
Shelton getting frustrated and pinning again for two.
“So the rest of the show is going to suck right?” – Dani
“Yep.” – Me
Shelty charges to the corner, Jeff LEAPS out of the way by a hair. He heads to the top and Shelton leaaaa MISSSES and SAVES himself as he heads up to the top for the suplex.
Fighting on the top turnbuckle, Jeff hits the Swanton! THAT’S DONE!
“Did his shirt break during the Swanton? How come that never happens during woman’s matches?” – Mike
“They don’t do Swantons..” – Bill
“They should.” – Mike
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
Diva Beachball… Lame.
(Dani here)
And hey look, it’s Vince McMahnon in a limo. He’s talking with coach about that whole illegitimate son thing. As you can see, the boys really care about the whole story line being that they are outside smoking right now.
“They have a framed picture of The Lucky Charms mascot! How could anyone possibly dislike this angle?” – Outsider Cash Kerouac
“Anyone who watches this and doesn’t laugh has no soul.” – Insyder DarkStar
And look who else happens to be in the car with him, Hornswoggle and he’s eating some lucky charms taped to an infant seat.
Commercial Break Four 9:37
Thanks Dani.
A recap of Maria talking to Ron. Damn.
“That beatdown brought to you by Subway!” – Bill
In the back Mister Cena talking to John. Cena then says sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.
“That’s the most amusing thing said all night.” – Me
“They won’t take the belt.. I sell too much merch.” – Bill
Santino elsewhere wants to talk to Maria. Jillian Hall stops him from knocking on the Diva Locker Room. We get a cheap pop shot in at Stone Cold, whom Jillian loves – as well as Jillian doing a ‘Leave Britney Alone’ bit. God, I hate pop culture.
Santino has come up with an idea…
“To kill myself.” – Me
“Can we call her Boobage McBotox?” – Dani
Elsewhere, Vince is walking with Coach… he can hear MUSIC!
“Ring ring ring Bananaphone!” – Bill
He enters his office and it’s decked in green decorations, and there is jig music playing. He wants Coach to take care of this.
“EAT ALL OF THOSE LUCKY CHARMS!” – Bill
“I’ll take all the potatoes! He’ll leave for America!” – Me
Hornswaggle is of course hiding behind the balloons… throws some gold and Vince sees a unicorn!??!
“Wait.. Vince can’t be a virgin!” – Me
“Was that Test with a horn on his head?” – Bill
So… are Unicorns Irish?
“WE’RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE VINCE!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:45
Oh, and later… Trips vs. Cade & Murdoch.
Now though, there are flags set on the corners.
“A POLE MATCH!” – Mike
Davari in one corner with the Iraq Flag… versus Hacksaw?!!??!
“What is the point of this?!” – Me
“Everyone got suspended..” – Mike
“Because they are in a red state?” – Dani
“What does that mean?” – Mike
“Southerners mark for this bullshit.” – Me
DAVAIRI vs. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN
Flags… Poles…. WHA?!?!?!
“…And Vince is counting down the days until Umaga, Regal, Haas, Kennedy, and the gang are back….so we get Hacksaw the Heat main eventer against the dark match jobber? im in!” – Insyder Razor Mike
“You know he’s been in the E forever, but I hereto had no idea there was an “i” in Daivari.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
“There is? wow” – Insyder Crippie
(Me too! Who knew!)
So Davari charges for his flag, Hacksaw grabs him and slams him down. He gets up to the top turnbuckle and Davari beats on Hacksaw’s back and brings him to the mat.
“Because I really believe that Davari doesn’t like America.” – Dani
“Maybe it’s because he’s sick of being victimized in this state of the cou……. This is a STUPID MATCH!” – Bill
So they go back and forth for their flags and each time athe other guy gets dropped down. Even Davari climbs up to the top and Hacksaw pulls him so he goes nuts to the turnbuckle. Hacksaw then clubs him down and limps to his flag.
He then gets balled by Davari.
“Is Hacksaw going to win the match?” – Jeffrey
“He has to, there’s a flag.” – Me
So Davari charges Hacksaw and gets hit once to the outside… Hacksaw grabs his flag… the end.
WINNER: HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN
“It’s our fault, we said there hasn’t been anything on a pole match.” – Bill
Cody in the back wants to talk to Coach about a match. Coach says no.
“Off to OVW goes Cody.” – Me
Cena talks Coach out of the match… so Cena has to fight a match. If he loses, his father has to face Orton. So face to face, Coach is eyes over John’s head.
“Is it bad when the Coach is taller than the champ?” – Mike
“When did Coach get a spine?” – Bill
COMMERCIAL BREAK FIVE – 9:55
Here comes Vince! The Hornswaggle Ten O Clock Spot!
Vince explains that his grapefruits borne a…
“ABOMINATION!” – Me
..leprachaun. He is going to welcome him into his family.. so here comes Hornswaggle.
“He does have great opening music.” – Me
He dances around Vince a bit. The crowd is… umm.. dead.
“Nashville wanted Kennedy Kennedy.” – Bill
Vince has something to say, so he gets on his knee.
“Will you marry me?” – Bill
So when Horny dies, he’ll get a lot of Vince’s money.
“So instead of money, I’m going to give you a Playmates Lil Tykes house.” – Me
So Vince explains that he’s got some legal documentation here.
“He’s going to give him the XFL” – Bill
Vince is actually putting Hornswaggle up for adoption.
“I don’t think he can do that..” – Dani
“He tried to have his mistress have a 36th trimester abortion too” – Me
So here come the nice family that want Hornswaggle. Two upstanding white bread people. They love him. The husband loves him. The wife loves him.
“Awww.. she’s barren.” – Bill
Hornswaggle then pants his new father. Flying crossbodies. The white bread family bails as Hornswaggle bites her ass.
“This is not the way to treat a World Champion.” – Me
Vince then yells at Hornswaggle… tells him he doesn’t want him in his family or his life.
“BARK LIKE A LITTLE DOG!” – Me
“Cue Trips?” – Bill
So Horny heads on out crying while the chant cheers asshole. Vince explains that not one person out there would do the same. And THERE’S Trips music.
“Wow, he’s getting smaller by the day.” – Mike
“This angle isn’t funny anymore.” – Insyder DarkStar
Vince wants to know what he’s doing there.
“Getting more cheers.” – Bill
Trips explains that he went through a lot of trouble decorating Vince’s office. ‘Do you know how hard it is to find a unicorn in Nashville, Tennessee?’ …funny… Trips was surprised that Vince has slept with faeries and hobgoblins.
Trips then puts on a great promo ending in Trips telling Vince he has a ‘microscopic penis’. Youtube it. Seriously.
“Hornswaggles Mom.. was she magically delicious?” – Triple H
Trips wins.
Vince then explains that he is leaving so Hunter can face the Tag Team Champs… next.
“Trips on screen, Care-O-Meter too low, trying to eat a care bear to compensate.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:16
TRIPLE H vs. CADE & MURDOCH
Tag belts.. what are those?
So we’re mid match already as Trips double clotheslines Cade & Murdoch. Cade gets clotheslined over the tops. Mudoch charges and HE goes over the top. Carlito watches from the outside.
Cade runs in and Hunter catches him and Trips gets hurled to the ropes and eats a neckbreaker for two.
“He’s sooo tiny!” – Mike
Tag to Murdoch and Cade lifts him up for a legdrop. Murdoch continues to beat on Hunter in the corner. Picks up Hunter and hurls him counter corner. Heads to the middle buckle and he hits a leaping neckbreaker!? Wow, nice.
The big heat right now is the chant that ‘Carlito Sucks’. Tag to Cade and elbow for two. Chinlock from Cade. Hunter fights out of it into the corner. He gets hurled counter corner, but then Cade eats some boot. Tag to Murdoch.
Murdoch heads up to the top for a double axe, jumps into Hunter’s boot. Back on their feet, Hunter now hits his moves of Doom. High Knee. Knee lift to the face. Clothesline. Murdoch charges in and he throws a clothesline – Cade holds Hunter and he ducks it!
SPINEBUSTER TO CADE! THE WIN!?!?!??!?!
WINNER: TRIPLE H
Carlito runs in and helps the beatdown on Hunter. Here come the Hooliganz! They blow out the tag champs. Leaving Carlito to throw a spinebuster on him and that leaves Hunter with the Hooliganz!
“WHO ARE YOU GUYS?!?!” – Me as Hunter
So they do a double backflip… Hunter goes and shakes their hand annnnnnnnnnd PEDIGREES ALL AROUND!
“Tweener Achievement has been unlocked.” – Me
“Wow I was just thinking how awesome London and Kendrick would be in DX and they get squashed by his HHHness. bullshit.” – Razor Mike
“That’s right. You show those talented athletes how to work, Tripper John. I just get more and more disgusted every time he’s on screen.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
“Vince: So hunter, you are back from an injury, what do you want to do now?
HHH: Same thing I do every time I recover from an injury. Go over the entire tag division in one night!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:27
Hey.. Beth Phoenix looking attractive on the outside. They show us her not win the tag title somehow.
“You are telling me that Candice beat… that?” – Dani
Here comes Melina though with Jillian Hall.
MELINA & JILLIAN vs. MICKIE & CANDICE
Boob boob boob boob.. Beth.
“I almost didn’t recognize Mickie.” – Bill
“She’s the talented one.” – Dani
“She looked better with her original nose.” – Mike
“She looked better with her original career.” – Me
“As the GoDaddy Girl?” – Dani
“As not on my TV.” – Me
Melina and Mickie starting it off. Mickie elbows back and forth on both of them. Hits the flying headscissors. Gets tossed ot the corner, reverses out of it and Melina beats down on Mickie on the top turnbuckle. Melina charges up for the suplex, but she’s pushed out. Jillian then flips her off the top turnbuckle.
Melina now with the face slams to the mat. Tag to Jillian. She throws a few more hairpull twirls. Tag to Melina and Mickie gets tossed into Melina’s feet. Double clothesline from the girls.
Tag to Candice now. Couple clotheslines to Melina. Back bodydrop and Melina lands on Candice’s foot. Northern Lights with the bridge. Candice then hits an Unprettier?!?!?!
Holy shit!
WINNER: CANDICE & MELINA
“The divas are stealing all of Christian’s shit. Maria got her hood and now Candice got his move!” – Bill
Beth then comes in and hands Candice the belt, then shoves her. THen leaves.. a showing of respect. Ballsy respect.
“Ballsy that she might have testicles.” – Me
“Clenis.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:36
(Dani has left as she is bored.)
Condemned Commercial.
“Dani left just in time.” – Bill
“Look the condemned… zzzzzz….” – Insyder Soak1313
(I put this in so you all realize just how boring this show has been)
Vince and Coach time again. Horny apparently has disappeared though. Coach seems to think he’s scarred him for life. Vince gets in his limo.
“The limo explodes.” – Me
“Pop the trunk..” – Mike
Hey, trunk pops. Hornswaggle.
Cena is facing….. A BLACK LINED MYSTERY MAN! ..Kennedy’s outline.
“DARK Kennedy.” – Bill
“You have to capture him in a DARK Pokeball.” – Me
“And love him so he’ll turn into a LIGHT pokemon.” – Bill
Here comes Cena..
“Who is it gonna be?” – Mike
“He’s beaten Khali.” – Bill
“It’s not Umaga…” – Me
“Big Daddy V?” – Mike
“Snitsky?” – Bill
SANTINO!?!?!?!?
JOHN CENA vs. SANTINO MARELLA
chrisssssstiaaaaaaaaaan
Ok… so this seems legit… somehow. Cena hits a side headlock. Gets thrown to the ropes. Couple of shoulder tackles. Blue thunder. You Can’t See Me.
“Gauntlet!” – Mike
Santino then bails and gets hurled into the ring. Sized up. Picked up. Randy has charged in and a doubleteam attack begins.
Randy has handcuffs, locks Cena to the ropes as Orton and Santino just beat him as Orton is in the middle of the ring. Cena’s locked on the outside.. and umm… huh?
“Man, a stable of Santino and Orton would actually be kinda fun. Can’t understand either when they talk.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
NO CONTEST
Coach at the top. He explains that Cena technically won his match by DQ.. it doesn’t count.. he had to win by a pin.
So Orton versus Daddy.. next.
“What’s John Cena’s Dad’s Music?” – Mike
“My time was then?” – Bill
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:53
Hey, the show’s back on and Randy’s in the ring.
Remember, John Cena is handcuffed to the outside ropes.
“MISSSTERRRR CENA… CENA..” – Bill
RANDY ORTON vs. MISTER CENA
Mister Cena gets no music…. sad.
“Hey, Mister Cena’s pyro is set-up.” – Bill
He shakes his son’s hand before he gets in.
“You are dead to me, son.” – Me
Bell rings. Randy grabs Dad. Locked up… sort of. One knee to the gut drops the old man.
“my heartttttt” – Me
Orton kicks him once. Garvin stomps on Cena’s Dad. He sells it. More stomping. Chinlock!
RANDY ORTON CHINLOCK COUNT: 1
Stompy. Dead Dad.
In runs Cody Rhodes!?
“Cena’s going to give him a pedigree after this.” – Me
Cody gets tossed to the outside. Randy throws him to the stairs. All while Cena is taking apart the ring. Randy gets back in and they fight it out in the corner. Cena’s Dad eats an RKO. Cena removes the turnbuckle and charges in after Orton!
“Loud “You can’t wrestle” chants to end the show. that was almost worth the crapfest this show was.” – Insyder Crippie
Welp.. that’s it with Cena sitting over his father as Orton watches from outside.
“Cena loses.. he blinked first.” – Me
“Cena was doing the hold your breath contest..” – Bill
“I thought Randy was doing the no laughter..” – Jeffrey
“No no no, that’s the audience.” – Me
Ok.. so… umm… we’re done.
“Umm… Triple H wasn’t even that funny tonight.” – Jeffrey
“That was over at Hardy/Benjamin” – Bill
“I like Gene Simmons… I think he was in the audience.” – Mike
..and I say.. umm.. yep. G’nite all.
